Gatzby Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 This is my first post here, and figured since the site seems so helpful that I would reach out and give it a shot... Here goes... I was recently told by my girlfriend of over 2 years that she wasn't sure if I made her happy. We have been dating long distance because of graduate school for some time now, and it has been very difficult not being able to physically be there for one another. Despite everyone saying it wouldn't work, we made it work for over a year... well, sort of. She cheated on me with one of her "friends" about 6 months ago and lied about it to me for about 2 months... I actually received a random message from the girlfriend of the guy asking me about it and then presented it to her in which she finally came clean. I was livid, as I am sure most would be. She blamed it on her feeling that I wasn't doing enough in the relationship- which is a current theme - despite me doing all sorts of romantic things and surprises - nothing seems good enough. She initially decided she wanted to be with him despite me saying that I was willing to try and work through things. I had never felt so down. She called me repeatedly a week later - I ignored her but she continued to call and leave messages, or text. I responded, finally, saying that I did not think it was good for us to talk anymore... but she insisted and I eventually gave in. She told me that she had made a huge, unforgivable mistake and would do anything to have me back. We started talking again and saw each other over the Holidays and naturally things were great. We decided to give it a try again... Things were great for awhile, then they sort of cooled off - not necessarily in a bad way, but we just calmed down from the whole incident. We were seeing each other about once a month, and had plans on living together after this year when she completed her studies. She was here visiting me for about two weeks, and at first things were a little off because we had an argument a short while before she came - but eventually we discussed it and moved on and had an overall great time together. The night before she left she became upset and asked if I thought that she made me totally happy, and I explained that she made me happy, but the distance did not. I could tell something was off... it sort of felt like that throughout her visit. Feeling something was off, I broached the subject of a break up. She cried and insisted she did not want to, and stated that she couldn't imagine a future without me. I asked if it would be better to end things now v. running them into the ground by continually pressing on if she wasn't sure of things - she insisted she wanted to continue and move forward. The next morning we said our tearful goodbyes per usual and wished it wasn't time to say goodbye again. We exchanged loving words and kisses and finally she was on her way. I called her a few hours later after texting back and fourth about how much we'd already missed each other - because naturally I'd wanted to hear her voice and tell her I was missing her... she started crying again and we went through the exact conversation we had the night before - with her asking if she made me totally happy - and then stated she wasn't sure if I made her feel that way... and said sorry. That was a few days ago and consequently the last time we spoke. I assume it's over - but there was something else strange of note. I handed her the phone after it buzzed from a text one evening and it was a number with no name associated. She got really weird about it and wasnt curious who it was or wanted to check it or anything... later I asked who it was and she stated it was one of her friends... but I think maybe she started talking to the guy she cheated on me with again or something... not that it matters now. I guess I am reaching out for words of encouragement - it's been tough and we were talking about planning our wedding someday and all of that - so I thought this was the person I was going to be with and I feel as though the rug was pulled out from under me after all we have gone through. I know the sad feelings will pass eventually, but my mind keeps going back to "could I have done more?" but I tried as hard as I could - and nothing was ever good enough - there was always some criticism for anything nice I ever did for her - of how I could have done it better or made it more special - which always really hurt. Now I just have this void - so used to talking to her first thing in the mornings and at night before bed - it's almost like withdrawal - it's all I can think about and I just feel so down! Thanks in advance to anyone with any sage wisdom - and to all those who have been there before, cheers!
eucalyptus Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Hey Gatzby, Sorry to hear about your situation. I know that you may still have her way high up on a pedestal and are feeling a huge void at this point, but I wanted to comment on the part about her tendency to criticize your nice deeds for her. I too suffered this criticism with my EX. I hadn't really experienced this kind of behavior before in other relationships, so it would really kind of mess with my head in the moments that it would happen. I've since come to believe that this is likely just their own projection. Meaning that they have a hard time truly feeling good/satisfied about doing things for others, so they assume that your intentions are similar, and thus could be improved. My feeling is that this is something that they learned as a kid, and is likely to not ever go away without a significant amount of realization and effort. I'm not saying that this is something to necessarily give up on a relationship for, but rather that it will likely be a source of frustration for anyone who is in a relationship with her. I don't know about you, but I kind of like the feeling of being appreciated for the things that I do for others. Stay strong.
Author Gatzby Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 Thanks for your response - sorry to hear that you were in a similar situation of feeling unappreciated. You're right - I definitely want to be appreciated and deserve to be so... and it will likely be a point of contention with anyone she is with. I thought this quote summed it up somewhat nicely: "If someone tells you that you can't do something, it's because they themselves can't". If these people constantly said we didnt make them happy or were constantly criticizing us it's because they are unable to make themselves happy; thus they are the one with flawed thinking - it's not our actions. I hope that you were able to move on and find someone great who appreciates the things you do for them - I hope to find that person as well! Thanks so much for the reply! Cheers! Gatzby
eucalyptus Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Back at ya, man. Sounds like you're on the right track.
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