lamaga Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 I am dating a guy for almost a month now and today we had lunch with my male best friend. I think he might be intimidated by him, even though they got along great... for example when my friend went to the toilet, the guy i am dating finally took my hand and showed some affection. Does this mean he felt intimidated by my best friend, who is overall pretty masculine, tall, wide shoulders, beard (whereas the guy I am seeing is more fragile, short and clean shaven). Did you make experiences like that? Why is this? It bothers me a bit and I wonder why he is acting so strange... Maybe this is a common thing?
SmileFace Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Quick question Why aren't you and your male best friend together? 1
Author lamaga Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 Quick question Why aren't you and your male best friend together? My male best friend and me met two years ago, I met him at the same time as my ex-boyfriend, they were traveling together and living together at the time... He has always been more like a brother and we just don't see each other 'that way'. It's not even up for debate for me, I guess. Just platonic friends.
ThaWholigan Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 It's possible that he's asking the same question that SmileFace just asked you - maybe not exactly intimidation but inferiority to a certain degree......seems to be an increasing trend of men who are wary of tall men who aren't ugly, as evidenced on this forum and the internet at large .
HuffmanMontana Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 I am dating a guy for almost a month now and today we had lunch with my male best friend. I think he might be intimidated by him, even though they got along great... for example when my friend went to the toilet, the guy i am dating finally took my hand and showed some affection. Does this mean he felt intimidated by my best friend, who is overall pretty masculine, tall, wide shoulders, beard (whereas the guy I am seeing is more fragile, short and clean shaven). Did you make experiences like that? Why is this? It bothers me a bit and I wonder why he is acting so strange... Maybe this is a common thing? Maybe he felt it would look like the affection was forced out of jealousy. Funny how two sides could read the same action at two different sides of the spectrum.
HuffmanMontana Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 What you are picking up on, is what your date is picking up from your 'male best friend' The friend wants to bang you, and the date knows it. Why do women insist on having male 'best' friends? The only reason for the male to be your friend is sex. PERIOD the end. I have just as female best friends and male best friends and I have not slept with all these women so you're opinion is not 100% accurate.
ThaWholigan Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 What you are picking up on, is what your date is picking up from your 'male best friend' The friend wants to bang you, and the date knows it. Why do women insist on having male 'best' friends? The only reason for the male to be your friend is sex. PERIOD the end. I didn't even think that - maybe your "best" friend does want to bang you? Although I slightly disagree with your last statement - I can and do have female friends for reasons independent of wanting to bang them (whether I want to bang them or not ).
SmileFace Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Unless you know your boyfriend has a reason to be jealous dont worry about it. He was just feeling a little intimidated - it happens to all of us. However I am interested with you and your best friends history since you may be projecting. 2
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 I would be intimidated. But I'm not the average guy so...
hppr Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 What you did was really really bad and you don't even know it. First off you never introduce a guy to your boyfriend as being your 'best guy friend' and then describe him in happy-gooey terms. If I introduced a hot girl to my girlfriend as being the 'best girl friend ever' I'd be single pretty quick. You simply don't do that. You can have buddies of the opposite sex but not BEST FRIEND OF ALL TIME. Bad bad bad bad... Second of all your best-male-friend isn't your best GAY friend. He probably wants to **** you and your boyfriend picks up on it, you don't because you're convinced that you are brother-sister (unless you are related by blood you aren't brother/sister). You can try to convince your boyfriend that there's nothing there and you really like him over this guy where romance is concerned but he probably won't believe you. He will put up with it but your hunky best friend will always be a sore subject from now on. 5
Author lamaga Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 (edited) Wow, lot's of replies. Well, first of all, I never introduced my best male friend as my best friend. Also,he is living in New York, I live in Berlin, and he is only visiting for a week, hence why I had to bring him along to the lunch (which the guy I am seeing initiated). I said 'one of my good friends from New York is visiting' (where I lived for 4 years), never said 'oh my god, this is my very best friend, beware!', just to make that clear... So, he's only around for a week to catch up on what's going on in our lives, and of course I wanted him to meet my love interest (it was important to me). Also, I always put the guy i am seeing first (still reserved about calling him boyfriend though, he hasn't asked me yet, but I wish he would soon). I usually don't have any friends here since I just moved back from New York a few months ago. Also, again, my friend and me have no history romantically or sexually. There is no tension and never has been and never will be. Just on a sidenote. I don't think it was a mistake, at some point I guess you just meet the friends of the people you're dating. We also ran into this couple I know and we all agreed to have drinks on Friday so I wonder how the situation progresses (maybe the guy I am seeing will be less intimidated when more friends of mine are around). Edited May 15, 2013 by lamaga 3
Infnitysign Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 I don't believe there is such a thing as a "male best friend". A girl's best friend should be her boyfriend or her girlfriends.
SmileFace Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Yeah don't worry about a little intimidation it is normal. As long as you respect your relationship and so does your best friend you should be fine. 1
therhythm Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Wow, lot's of replies. Well, first of all, I never introduced my best male friend as my best friend. Also,he is living in New York, I live in Berlin, and he is only visiting for a week, hence why I had to bring him along to the lunch (which the guy I am seeing initiated). I said 'one of my good friends from New York is visiting' (where I lived for 4 years), never said 'oh my god, this is my very best friend, beware!', just to make that clear... So, he's only around for a week to catch up on what's going on in our lives, and of course I wanted him to meet my love interest (it was important to me). Also, I always put the guy i am seeing first (still reserved about calling him boyfriend though, he hasn't asked me yet, but I wish he would soon). I usually don't have any friends here since I just moved back from New York a few months ago. Also, again, my friend and me have no history romantically or sexually. There is no tension and never has been and never will be. Just on a sidenote. I don't think it was a mistake, at some point I guess you just meet the friends of the people you're dating. We also ran into this couple I know and we all agreed to have drinks on Friday so I wonder how the situation progresses (maybe the guy I am seeing will be less intimidated when more friends of mine are around). You have all the right to have friends and just because you have a boyfriend now there is no reason for you stopping the friendship with someone who has been a good friend to you but if I would be you I would avoid going with him in 1 to 1 set ups. While I think it can be totally inoffensive if you put yourself in the place of your bf probably even when he trust you he will find it threatening, after all we are humans and jealousy is a part of our nature we can't avoid . 1
KungFuJoe Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Op, First of all...don't listen to anyone who says they wouldn't date someone with a best friend of the opposite sex. I mean, you gotta be freakin kidding me with that. You expect your partner to either have NO friends of the opposite sex or to just drop any friends of the opposite sex the moment you start dating them? Yeah right. How about not being so damn insecure? Second of all...from what you described in your opening post, I don't see anything that says he's insecure or intimidated by your best friend. So he grabbed your hand when your friend left...big deal. Gonna need a lot more information than just that ONE isolated incident to see if there's any underlying issues here. 4
Imajerk17 Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 I am dating a guy for almost a month now and today we had lunch with my male best friend. I think he might be intimidated by him, even though they got along great... for example when my friend went to the toilet, the guy i am dating finally took my hand and showed some affection. Does this mean he felt intimidated by my best friend, who is overall pretty masculine, tall, wide shoulders, beard (whereas the guy I am seeing is more fragile, short and clean shaven). Did you make experiences like that? Why is this? It bothers me a bit and I wonder why he is acting so strange... Maybe this is a common thing? I think you're just overthinking things. As women are prone to do...
Treasa Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 I don't think any of my boyfriends have ever felt intimidated by my best friend. I think they might have felt uncomfortable if they were insecure, but that's about it. When it comes to me and my male best friend, he's the really overly sweet one, and I'm the intimidating one.
BoneyHadger Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 I am dating a guy for almost a month now and today we had lunch with my male best friend. I think he might be intimidated by him, even though they got along great... for example when my friend went to the toilet, the guy i am dating finally took my hand and showed some affection. Does this mean he felt intimidated by my best friend, who is overall pretty masculine, tall, wide shoulders, beard (whereas the guy I am seeing is more fragile, short and clean shaven). Did you make experiences like that? Why is this? It bothers me a bit and I wonder why he is acting so strange... Maybe this is a common thing? There may be other explanation: He wasn't comfortable with initiating affection when someone else was there and looking. And it wouldn't matter, who it was, it could go the same way if it was eg. your petite, female friend.
tbf Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 There are plenty of people not into PDA, when there's a third wheel around. It's called being considerate. If you're concerned, why not ask your b/f about his feelings towards your opposite gender friend? Avoid any reference to intimidation or jealousy and let him explain his concern, if any.
phineas Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 IDk, i've never met a woman with a close guy friend who didn't interfere in one way or another. If your guy friend doesn't do that, ok. but a lot of time the women claimed they didn't see it so I just bailed on them because it was just annoying having some friendzoned dude trying to compete with me all the time. 2
hppr Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 IDk, i've never met a woman with a close guy friend who didn't interfere in one way or another. If your guy friend doesn't do that, ok. but a lot of time the women claimed they didn't see it so I just bailed on them because it was just annoying having some friendzoned dude trying to compete with me all the time. I don't have a problem with guy friends until there are either a ton of em chasing her around with their tongues hanging out or the guy friend is 'my best friend forever I would marry him if I could' stuff. I don't do either of those.
ChessPieceFace Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 your best-male-friend isn't your best GAY friend. He probably wants to **** you ... So many psychics on this board, I am just in awe. You really want to screw every single girl in your age range that you aren't related to? I don't. I don't have a "best female friend" but if I did, I'm sure it's not at all a certainty that I'd "want" her. Some people, like me, are interested in more than just satisfying their penis at all times. I know that's hard for you to comprehend. But a guy and girl being "best friends" doesn't necessarily mean he wants her. There's also such a thing as physical attraction without the desire for physical things to happen. OP, not sure what to add except to say I personally wouldn't like showing affection in public or around others. It would have less to do with being intimidated by someone and more to do with it being something that I find to be a private thing. Of course that would be much worse if I had to be around someone's "male best friend." Maybe he was "intimidated" or maybe just "uncomfortable." Or both. I'm not even really sure why you're coming here to ask the question. Was it a big problem for you? Perhaps you aren't on the same page in terms of PDA. I'm generally against PDA as I find it to be both embarrassing, and rude to those around me (i.e. "get a room.") I also know girls who are against it.
Eggplant Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 I think men and women can be friends when the friendship is alliance-like in nature and revolves around something practical or a common interest like needing a tennis buddy, or playing music together. But a "best" friend implies dear friend, with emotional intimacy. If you are sharing vulnerabilities and opening yourself up emotionally, I'm not sure you're in control of where your subconscious may lead you. The brain is complicated and the conscious part only one layer ... it's hard to avoid crossing wires with the sexual desire category. I've heard some psychologists even believe there is a small amount of sexual attraction even between good friends of the same gender (even straight people). I for this reason I do not advise having "good" friends of the opposite gender, unless you're separated by at least 4 decades.
USMCHokie Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 It appears no one has asked the most important question...OP, is your best friend hot...?
MalachiX Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Well, first of all, most of us guys are in some way intimidated by ANY best friend. It just goes with the territory. The bottom line is that this person has known your significant other way longer than you have. They may even have enough "clout" that their disapproval can sour the whole relationship. That's always going to be intimidating whether it's a friend of the same sex, a gay best friend, or (worst) a straight friend of the opposite sex. And, it's of course way worse in the latter category because (as others have mentioned); your BF may worry that there are feelings between you and your best bud. I have no idea if there is any sexual chemistry/tension but, when you're in new relationship territory, it's certainly hard not to worry about stuff like that.
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