The timing of everything in dating

[jussie]

I'm currently getting over a guy that dumped me several weeks ago, and I got to thinking about the timing of the milestones in the relationship. I would like everyone's opinion about what is the appropriate timing for the following things:

 

1. We became official after about two weeks of meeting/dating (we met on OkCupid and went on quite a few dates before this; but maybe this is still too soon?), but I was the one that initiated this by asking, "So are you my boyfriend?" and he replied, "Do you want me to be?" THIS WAS NOT THE ANSWER I WAS HOPING FOR. Was I wrong to be the initiator? Everyone has told me that I should let the guy lead on this, but I have no idea how long I should wait before I decide, "He's not serious about me, so I should stop seeing him." Any advice? I get very impatient because I'm ready to get married and have kids. I never date a guy unless I can see a serious future with him. I never date just to date (casually) or to avoid loneliness or just to get laid.

2. We slept together after about 5 weeks of knowing each other. I thought I waited long enough, but I noticed that after I slept with him, he started getting "lazy" in the relationship - he didn't really plan dates (I did most of it) and he stopped asking me questions to get to know me and mostly stopped sharing about himself (being overly secretive). I'm not sure if sleeping together and loss of interest are necessarily correlated (half my friends say yes, half say no), but both happened around the same time. I feel there is a big dilemma in this: women don't want to have sex until they get commitment, but men don't want to commit until they know you're sexually compatible (i.e. the sex is good and worth the commitment). How do you balance this?! How do you know when it's ok to sleep with some and they aren't going to just start being lazy in the relationship?

3. Commitment and expectations. I noticed that after I slept with him, I expected a lot more from him. I expected him to be as serious about the relationship (i.e. committed to me) as I was. How long are you supposed to date a person before you can expect more serious commitment?

4. Meeting the parents. My mother came to visit around 2 months after we started dating, and so around the 1.5 month mark (a little after we started sleeping together) I asked him if he would be up for meeting my mom. He said that it make him uncomfortable, but if I really wanted him there he would go. What kind of answer is that?! So I told him that I didn't want him to be uncomfortable, at which time we had a discussion and he felt that it was just too soon to be meeting the parents, and that for him it wasn't until he was serious about me that he would introduce me. To me, that was very heartbreaking because I was already serious about him - I could see us getting married, having kids, and being together forever, because everything just fit well. So he didn't meet my mom. Two weeks later, HIS mom was in town, and he didn't want me to meet her, but he did let me know that she asked if she was going to meet me (he told her no). My friends have varied *widely* on this. Some have met their bf/gf's parents within a month or two and had no problem about this, others have waited about 5-6 months, and still others over a year. What is the common practice for this? (FYI, I've only introduced one other boyfriend to my parents, and that was 10 years ago in college. I wanted to introduce my last bf because I was REALLY serious about him and I was very excited about him.) Should I have dumped my bf at the time when I found out he didn't want to meet my mom and didn't want me to meet his mom? I felt at the time that maybe we weren't on the same page in the relationship, which I think turned out to be true and might have been the main reason why he dumped me (still unsure of the exact reasons).

 

I'm asking these questions because I don't want to make the same mistake(s) in my next relationship (i.e. rushing the progression/development of the relationship), but at the same time, if a guy is dragging his feet or being "lazy" in the relationship, I want to be able to spot the signs and know to get out of the relationship so I'm not wasting my time.

[nerd]

I like to have these things planned out too. Unfortunately I think it depends entirely on how the relationship develops between the two of you, and if you try to orchestrate things it'll just fall apart.

[jussie]

I'm not trying to orchestrate or plan anything. I'm just trying to get a sense of what is appropriate and inappropriate. My main problem is that I rush everything. I would like to slow things down (for myself) so that I don't scare the guy away or overwhelm him, but I'm just not sure *how much* I should slow things down.

 

I wasn't allowed to date in high school, so I feel like I didn't get any "practice" and there are a lot of basics that I don't know. When I started dating in college, I made a lot of rookie mistakes, like dating a guy (and taking him seriously) even though he just broke up with someone and was on the rebound. I didn't know about that rule at the time, and I had to learn it the hard way. I feel like most things in dating I've been learning the hard way and I'm sick of it. I'm 29 years old and have very little substantive dating experience. Most of my friends are either married, engaged, or have been in long-term relationships. I feel like they must know something that I don't. I'm just trying to get more information.

[candie13]

men feel if you like them and enjoy their company as opposed to seeing them an marriage material and potential sperm donors. You cannot build a relationship unless there's magic in the air. When there's magic in the air, you won't care less about time, because you'll be enjoying yourself too much.

 

Sure, if after 6 months nothing more tangible happens, you're right to worry, but usually these things get talked over / solved. Can't do that mechanically.

[nerd]

And since I'd prefer to be in an interracial marriage and my parents would definitely be against it, I'd rather wait until I'm certain our relationship will endure the hell that would be meeting the parents.

 

Part of the problem is that everyone has different definitions for everything. I would be comfortable not seeing anyone else after a couple of weeks, but the boyfriend/girlfriend label implies things like, if you're sick and need someone to look after you, call me up - if you're in an accident and need someone to drive a couple hours to pick you up and calm you down and whatever else - I'm the first you'd try to call. Etc. That's more commitment than I'm looking for after dating someone for just a couple weeks.

 

But maybe you and your b/f didn't see things that way. Or maybe you did. I don't know.

 

You're correct that you are inclined to take things faster and more seriously than most others. But here's the thing - there's nothing that guarantees that you won't find someone who's willing to move at exactly the pace you want. I suppose the chances of it aren't good, but strange things happen in life all the time. The only thing stranger than fiction is reality.

 

On the other hand, if this is something that you really feel you can slow down without revealing lots of ugly insecurities, your available pool will widen.

 

I doubt I can take things as casually as candie suggests. I wish I could, but I'm always considering whether whomever I'm dating is someone I can see as a life partner. I've never been the person who can just have casual fun, even though I'm painfully aware of what I'm missing out on because of it. But we do what we can with what we've got.

[todreaminblue]

I like to have these things planned out too. Unfortunately I think it depends entirely on how the relationship develops between the two of you, and if you try to orchestrate things it'll just fall apart.

 

 

i agree, i think it should happen naturally and you know in your heart when things are going well or they arent, i don't feel anything should be pushed.....as long as two people are being honest and open there should be no problem, to me a red flag is when a guy doesn't want to meet your family......especially if you have been dating a while, its normal to have nerves about it however.......i normally meet the family fo the guys i date,fairly early in the relationship and I dont have to ask , they take me there because they want me to meet their family, a guy who seems off to me meeting his family shows to me, a lack of wanting me in their life...i would be hesitant to think it had longevity attached to the relationship.....i never push, because i have never had to....i dont think you should ever have to push for anything ...it should be a happy time.. natural and feel good moments..if someone has to push...that means one is digging their feet in....honesty and openness is the only way to go....deb

Edited May 15, 2013 by todreaminblue

[jussie]

I really appreciate all the feedback. (Sorry it took me so long to reply!)

 

After some time away to reflect on what happened in the relationship and taking all your feedback into account, it seems like he wasn't very serious about the relationship, or at least not as serious as me. I think what hurt the most was that he kept denying this AND I kept believing he was, even though the red flags were there: He didn't want to meet my mom, he didn't want me to meet his mom (and both were in town from CA within 2 weeks of each other), and he wouldn't be Facebook friends with me. I guess those were all signs that he didn't see me in his future. I should have read the writing on the wall and dumped him, but I liked him so much, and I believed all the things he told me, so I stuck around, and then he beat me to the punch by dumping me with barely any explanation.

 

I think the reason why I rushed things in this relationship is because he is being deployed to Bulgaria in Oct/Nov (we got together in Feb) and I wanted to solidify our relationship early on so that I knew I wasn't wasting my time with him. Perhaps the pressure I put on him drove him away. At the same time, however, a friend of mine said that he probably shouldn't have agreed to a serious relationship in the first place because he didn't really know what he wanted and didn't think about what would happen with our relationship when he leaves for Bulgaria. I think he went on OkCupid with an open mind, and had no idea he'd meet someone who was willing to be serious and do long-distance while he is in Bulgaria, and he didn't quite know what he wanted. By the time he figured it out, we had been dating a while. =(

[Cutiepie1976]

Every relationship is different. My advice: lose the time schedule and the type A impatience about what he must do by when. Stop forcing things. Stop pushing and trying to create something artificially just because you want to be at point X by time Y. Human nature doesn't work that way. Your friends are right in your case. You would benefit from letting the guy lead. Right now, your need to rush things has turned you into your own worst enemy.

 

...it seems like he wasn't very serious about the relationship

You had very different ideas about what a relationship entails and how it develops. That has no bearing on whether he is looking for something serious.

 

the red flags were there: He didn't want to meet my mom, he didn't want me to meet his mom (and both were in town from CA within 2 weeks of each other)

I had a boyfriend a few years back who wanted me to meet his parents about six weeks in while they were visiting from out of town. NO!!! For me, that was just such a nutty expectation, and I was having no part of it. It had no bearing on how serious I was about making the relationship work. When people feel comfortable meeting family will differ. But for most people, insisting they meet your mother a month or two in will meet resistance. You've barely started dating. Were you genuinely interested in getting to know him, the person, or was it just that he was an XY and you were now a "girlfriend?"

 

...he wouldn't be Facebook friends with me.

Well, I'm not FB friends with my boyfriend. He asked me to be his girlfriend at three weeks and was serious from the get-go. Facebook has no bearing on our relationship. I speak with him at least twice daily. We don't need each other's status updates. We already know what we are doing though real-time, one-on-one communication.