sm Posted September 28, 2004 Posted September 28, 2004 hi i have been reading thru a few of the threads here cos i - like mant here am having a bit of turbulence in my relationship and i wanted some opinions etc. i will try to keep it short: im 25 shes 24, she has a 3yr old daughter with another guy who is 37 he's also a drug addict and they were really on the rocks when i met her, sleeping in separate beds and trying to avoid each other when at home just a really bad time. when we met it was instant attraction/passion/love and we couldnt stay away from each other since that night despite the fact that at that point she was still living with this guy. that was almost 2yrs ago - since then she has broken off with him, gotten her own place with her daughter and we have had the most amazing relationship, we have had our problems, we did actually start seeing each other when she was still in a relationship with the father of her kid and i was definitely a catalyst for their inevitable break up which made things very hard at first. we have always had a very heady, passionate connection and have always been very serious - planning our marriage, discussing how many kids we want and when. in those first few months things were hard but every obstacle just brought us closer and it has been really beautiful, i love her with all my heart and i know that she loves me too - its not possible that what we have shared could have been one sided. she and her ex have not been in contact for most of the time, it has been something that she feels really badly for and i understand that, i also love her little girl like my own and understand the need for her to know her father -hes not dead after all, he just makes no effort to see her cos if he cant have her mother then he can use the child to hurt her by being absent. that have seen each other on and off and at one time she broke off with me saying she 'needs space' and actually went so far as to get back with him to 'start over for the kid'. i was devastated, it only lasted tree weeks and she was crying on the hone with me that she loves him but shes not 'in love' with him shes in love with me - please will i come see her. i found out that she had tried to have sex with him but broke down halfway through which brought her to the realisation that she could not be with him - it killed me, really i could not take it but i survived cos im a tough peanut and i thought that if thats what it took to show her where she needed to be then thats just the way it is and i should be glad were are together now. well that was some time ago, it feels like much longer than it is i suppose but since then we have had a fantastic relationship in every way. just recently we bot had a bad week and felt quite moody, it wasnt a fun time. also we went to a party where the ex was and the 2 of them seemed to hit it off - dancin together and talking and drinking, i felt quite left out and paranoid but i thought to myself that this is what i want and they will always have a connection and maybe if they are friends the he will see his daughter more which will be great for her, she and i have a great relationship and love each other very much but im not her daddy, he is and she should know that and so should he. anyway, after that and a bad week she started avoiding me - lacklustre txt msgs and not wanting me to come over, also went out one night and asked me to staty behind cos she wanted to hang with her friend - not that that is a problem but just with everything else going on... the last night i was at her place she slept with her clothes on and pretended to fall asleep really quickly so as to avoid any intimacy between us- thats when i started to worry, that was wednesday. so on saturday she was still avoiding me and said i should go alone to a dinner with our best friends so i asked her if she was avoiding me and she said that she needs some time off from 'us' and that i do too even if i may not want to but that with whats going on in her head she cant be with me the way it should be when we are together and she'd rather not have me around than have me around feeling weird. she also said that i made her feel responisble for my happiness and that she cant 'be there' all the time like i want her to and if she isnt then i am having a bad time. i think its normal if your lover starts to withdraw that u ask whats up, am i wrong? i know the score, this is not the first time she has done this so i said: ok babe, take your time that you need and i will hear from you when i hear from u. its pointless trying to force her to talk it thru etc. and i respect her enought to understand that she wants some time to herself, i dont have a problem with it but its not easy for me not knowing whats up. is she seeing him again? did she mean when she said that she cant be with me the way it should be when we are together that she wants to be together like that but just feels spaced out right now? ..all of this is constantly turning thru my mind. its pretty obvious that i love her madly, i want her to be my wife, i want to give her my smile on the face of our child and spend our lives together. i believe that she will be back but i just want some feedback, maybe from another woman/mother to try and help me understand what she must be going thru and how i can help her? thanks for reading all of this, it got longet than i thought. M
Author sm Posted September 28, 2004 Author Posted September 28, 2004 hi, just an update - i got an email from her saying that is the old ex/child/broken home guilt, here is an excerpt: "i know we'v through this b4 and thought it was all in place, but i still stuggle with the guilt feelings (my cosious) i dont know why, but now more than ever its is so in my face, not necceserely the fact that my family isnt together but the way i went about it all. i know that i cant live in the shadow of guilt all my life, but its very hard for me to think about my life in the past 2 years. and it sometimes feels wrong for us to b 2gether - because of the way it come 2gether. if u know what i meen? " i really want to be there for this woman, she is the one person on earth who i love more than life itself, how can i help her? how can i care for her? how can i help her feel good about our love and not guily? if there is someone out there who is dating someone other than the father of their child who could give me some advice i would really help. m
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