Dealing with an anti-social non-talking sister-in-law!

[understanding4you]

So my brother-in-laws wife, whom he's been married to for less than a year has been pretty unfriendly with me since day one. Just a little background—my now husband used to hang out with this woman during a period of time when we separated (before getting married). When we got back together, within weeks we find out that she was pregnant with my husbands brothers child.

 

Story has it told, when she started hanging out with my DH, she became "interested" in his brother (I've been told she's the type of girl that hangs out mostly with guys). Before she even came forth about being pregnant and even openly being with my brother-in-law, my husband asked me to go out with a couple of his friends, her being one of them, which is where I was formally introduced to her as just that—my husbands friend. And then too was a lot of awkward silent moments. I'd ask her what she did for a living, about school, etc. & she was very short worded in her responses and wouldn't reciprocate back in conversation. Weeks later is when i found out that she had a thing going on with my BIL & that he had gotten her pregnant. At this time, my BIL was in a 10 yr relationship with another woman, so the fact that he just impregnated this girl was a total shock to the whole family, but he at this point decided to make it work, married her, moved out, and the family welcomed her with open arms and treated her like gold because she was pregnant with their soon to be grandchild/nephew.

 

Although I felt uneasy about this situation, I didn't want any tension to build and I would always greet her (they both started living with my in-laws) and try small talking with her but it always felt like a one-way conversation. The only way I can get her to speak to me is when asking her a question and although she does have a friendly tone, she's very one-worded and will NEVER initiate a convo. I notice when she speaks to others in the family, she is more sociable, even to the wife of the other brother, but will NEVER start her own conversation. It's always just agreeing to what someone else is saying. Sometimes I wonder if the reason why she doesn't speak to me is because everyone else has kids and I don't, so there's less things she finds able to talk to me about??? Who knows.

 

I honestly wasn't fond of her to begin with bc of how she came about, as well as little things like never thanking my husband and I for the gifts we've given them for their wedding, pamper party, and baby shower (BIL nor her ever thanked us for all gifts given to them over that 9month span). This gave me the impression that she's the type of person that was perhaps spoiled growing up/expects things and is not thankful for them. When I had a couple family gatherings at my house, she would come in, make herself comfortable by putting her feet up on my couch, have a nice meal, not say a word to me the entire time and when she was ready to leave I would just get a "bye" out of her. Also, if she has the rest of the family over her house, she will never personally invite us too—someone that's already there will usually text or call us saying "everyone is over here" and to come over her place. Things about her just rub me wrong. I did find these things rude, but being that we're all "in the family" now and my DH is very family-oriented, I'm trying to get along with her and have a relationship with her. However, it just doesn't seem to be working.

 

The baby is now a few months old and whenever we go to visit them, my husband likes to leave me alone with her while he goes off in another room with his brother. I always play with the baby and she's usually there too in the room with me & it's just so awkward. I'm at a point where I really have nothing to say to this girl. I'll ask her questions about the baby as I'm playing with him, but there's only so much you can say at a given time and like I stated before, she just answers your questions but will never be forthcoming in return so of course the conversation will not continue to flow and will be dry! If I didn't have to see my in-laws that often, I'm sure this wouldn't even be an issue, but we see them every week, sometimes even multiple times!

 

I'm just looking for some advice from an outsider on this. Maybe someone could give good tips for this type of situation, have been in something similar, or just input on what you think about all this! Thanks.

Edited May 15, 2013 by understanding4you

[vanhalenfan]

I was thinking along the lines that it may have something to do with your husband. NOT blaming your husband; I think it's all on her side. Do you think she may have feelings for him, considering their past? It's just a thought. Sure she ended up pregnant by his brother...But maybe she just went to him because your husband was obviously taken. Especially since she seems to really be more stand-offish to you than others.

 

Since it's been going on for quite awhile, maybe just flat-out ask her? Or, if you are really bold, tell her that you're seeking a closer relationship with her as family. That may be a little awkward. I have personally done this with a family member and fortunately it worked and we are really close now. It was hard to do, without it being awkward. Breaking the ice did it, though.

[understanding4you]

I was thinking along the lines that it may have something to do with your husband. NOT blaming your husband; I think it's all on her side. Do you think she may have feelings for him, considering their past? It's just a thought. Sure she ended up pregnant by his brother...But maybe she just went to him because your husband was obviously taken. Especially since she seems to really be more stand-offish to you than others.

 

Idk. Of course, I've thought about it. Like why was she hanging out so much with my at the time boyfriend, while we were separated? It was a little weird to me because I had never heard about her prior and I've known my DH for a total of 8 years. Never once have I known them to ever be friends. I do know she went to the same high school as us and she knows my husband and some of his brothers from our high school days, but that was as far as it went. I don't know how she came into the mix within that 5 month separation of ours.

 

I've mentioned to my other SIL, whom the girl is more sociable with how I feel indifferent around her because she never shows any interest in me what so ever & I'm around her so frequently. She agreed that she see's where I'm coming from & that she thinks she's "shy" and the reason why they're relationship seems closer is probably because they both share that connection of their kids being cousins, so there's more of that bond there.

 

I get that, but at the same time, it makes me feel a little bad that I'm not "worthy" of much interest because, what? I don't have a baby too? And that's if that's the real reason, which to me is a bit silly. Not to mention, I miscarried 5 months ago, and even then, she said nothing to me. To make it worse my MIL brought her, pregnant and all to the hospital where I was miscarrying & she just stood there. It was so awkward and it upset me that she would even bring her around me when she doesn't say $&!@ to me—not an "I'm sorry", nothing. She's just cold to me & it's frustrating. I feel like no one else really acknowledges it, even if its just to me.