Sweetnothing Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 My ex and I were together for 2 years. For the last few months we have broken up and gotten back together several times. About a week ago I decided to end it for good and went NC immediately. Neither of us contacted the other and I was fine for a while and then I started to miss him dreadfully. I spent the last few days checking his Facebook constantly to see what he's been up to and he rarely updates. Then I start to wonder if maybe he signed up for any dating sites so I anonymously made some profiles and sure enough there he was! Now I desperately wish I could go back to being blissfully ignorant, but I can't unlearn the fact that he's ALREADY on a dating site!!! I've already decided I'm NOT going to confront him about it and I will keep going with NC, but now it's all I can think about and I'm SO upset I knew he was a selfish jerk, but I hoped he'd at least have the decency to wait a month or two. Deep down I knew this is EXACTLY the type of thing he would do and it HURTS. How do I move on and stop obsessing over this guy?!?
HuffmanMontana Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Why should he have to wait for finding someone he feels is compatible? It would be one thing if he started posting stuff on FB immediately while you were still a friend or something like that but you went and sought him out. This is all on you.
Author Sweetnothing Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 Why should he have to wait for finding someone he feels is compatible? It would be one thing if he started posting stuff on FB immediately while you were still a friend or something like that but you went and sought him out. This is all on you. Obviously he doesn't HAVE to do anything. I realize that it's his life and he can do what he wants (which is why I mentioned that I am not going to confront him about this). I was looking for advice on how to cope with the situation emotionally, not scrutiny on my poor decision.
GI_Joy Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 I spent the last few days checking his Facebook constantly to see what he's been up to and he rarely updates. Then I start to wonder if maybe he signed up for any dating sites so I anonymously made some profiles and sure enough there he was! Ok, checking him up on FB, that's kind of understandable and almost expected after a break-up. But signing up on a dating site, just to check to see if your ex signed up? And being extremely bothered by it afterwared, even entertaining the thought of confronting him about it? No. if you want a sure-fire direct path to confinement of your own wallowing and misery, then by all means go for it. Otherwise, if you really want to move on, stop the facebook checks, stop checking up on him, ANYWHERE. He is just a figment of the past now. think of it this way. Your relationship was some awesome dinner meal you guys made together, but somewhere along the way the dinner got spoiled, so you have to throw it away. Now would you really keep going back to the trash can to grab a bite of it because you miss how much it tasted? Hell no! Leave it in the trash where it belongs and go make a new dinner with someone else! It'll taste a helluva lot better and it will be good for your health 2
Author Sweetnothing Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 Ok, checking him up on FB, that's kind of understandable and almost expected after a break-up. But signing up on a dating site, just to check to see if your ex signed up? And being extremely bothered by it afterwared, even entertaining the thought of confronting him about it? No. if you want a sure-fire direct path to confinement of your own wallowing and misery, then by all means go for it. Otherwise, if you really want to move on, stop the facebook checks, stop checking up on him, ANYWHERE. He is just a figment of the past now. think of it this way. Your relationship was some awesome dinner meal you guys made together, but somewhere along the way the dinner got spoiled, so you have to throw it away. Now would you really keep going back to the trash can to grab a bite of it because you miss how much it tasted? Hell no! Leave it in the trash where it belongs and go make a new dinner with someone else! It'll taste a helluva lot better and it will be good for your health Again, I said I was NOT going to confront him about it. I know it wouldn't do me any good. I'm not speaking to him at all, but how does someone just STOP looking at their ex's profiles? Breakups undoubtedly make people act crazy and I'm giving myself a lot of credit getting through No Contact without any slip-ups. I KNOW that by checking up on him on the Internet I am making myself upset but what can I do? I still love him. I want to get over him BEFORE I start dating and work on my own issues. I am just asking for advice on how to move on I really don't need any more criticism about what I've done!!!
HuffmanMontana Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Obviously he doesn't HAVE to do anything. I realize that it's his life and he can do what he wants (which is why I mentioned that I am not going to confront him about this). I was looking for advice on how to cope with the situation emotionally, not scrutiny on my poor decision. No contact. Find a new hobby, make new friends. Become happy without him again. After my ex dumped me I took on two new hobbies and met some new women. Of course I still miss her but I don't need her as much as she needs me. She has texted me every 1-2 weeks the last 4.5 months even though she's on atleast her 2nd BF and I haven't reached out to initiate contact once. My point is... Fill your life with things that make you truly happy and soon you will move on before you know it.
Author Sweetnothing Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 No contact. Find a new hobby, make new friends. Become happy without him again. After my ex dumped me I took on two new hobbies and met some new women. Of course I still miss her but I don't need her as much as she needs me. She has texted me every 1-2 weeks the last 4.5 months even though she's on atleast her 2nd BF and I haven't reached out to initiate contact once. My point is... Fill your life with things that make you truly happy and soon you will move on before you know it. I guess I have been lacking on the physical efforts. The no contact was easy to get the hang of but it doesn't help that I've been avoiding people like the plague. I really need to get out. Thanks for your help and sharing your experience
Hockeyguy19 Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 My ex and I were together for 2 years. For the last few months we have broken up and gotten back together several times. About a week ago I decided to end it for good and went NC immediately. Neither of us contacted the other and I was fine for a while and then I started to miss him dreadfully. I spent the last few days checking his Facebook constantly to see what he's been up to and he rarely updates. Then I start to wonder if maybe he signed up for any dating sites so I anonymously made some profiles and sure enough there he was! Now I desperately wish I could go back to being blissfully ignorant, but I can't unlearn the fact that he's ALREADY on a dating site!!! I've already decided I'm NOT going to confront him about it and I will keep going with NC, but now it's all I can think about and I'm SO upset I knew he was a selfish jerk, but I hoped he'd at least have the decency to wait a month or two. Deep down I knew this is EXACTLY the type of thing he would do and it HURTS. How do I move on and stop obsessing over this guy?!? You already started to move on by going NC but you need to stop checking up on him if you want to stop obsessing. Think of it like scab, the more you pick it, the longer it will take to heal. If you feel the urge to check up on him, ask yourself "is this going to help or hurt? Am I going to feel better after I find out?" Take a step back and really ask yourself if this is going to change anything. It won't and will just make your pain and hurt stay and build more. Text a friend instead, go for a walk, call your family, just fight the urge, and eventually the obsession will slowly go away. 1
Author Sweetnothing Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 You already started to move on by going NC but you need to stop checking up on him if you want to stop obsessing. Think of it like scab, the more you pick it, the longer it will take to heal. If you feel the urge to check up on him, ask yourself "is this going to help or hurt? Am I going to feel better after I find out?" Take a step back and really ask yourself if this is going to change anything. It won't and will just make your pain and hurt stay and build more. Text a friend instead, go for a walk, call your family, just fight the urge, and eventually the obsession will slowly go away. Yes, I definitely need to be more aware of how my actions affect me. This is a great strategy thank you! I hope the obsession dies down because I quickly went from "normal" breakup obsession to completely irrational "oh my god what if he's on dating websites?!" kinds of thinking and that lead me to complete misery. I looked for an answer I knew I wasn't going to like, but I did it anyway. I'm going to focus on what decisions will be best for my healing instead of getting information on me. He obviously doesn't want me and even if he did, he was bad for me.
Hockeyguy19 Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Yes, I definitely need to be more aware of how my actions affect me. This is a great strategy thank you! I hope the obsession dies down because I quickly went from "normal" breakup obsession to completely irrational "oh my god what if he's on dating websites?!" kinds of thinking and that lead me to complete misery. I looked for an answer I knew I wasn't going to like, but I did it anyway. I'm going to focus on what decisions will be best for my healing instead of getting information on me. He obviously doesn't want me and even if he did, he was bad for me. No problem, it's normal to wonder what they are doing, but to actually find out is much more painful, I know this from experience. I can tell you everything my ex has planned for the next month because she told me, after I broke nc and met up with her. It did not help and pretty much put me back at week 1 of the BU. You think you want to know what they are upto, but you don't, it's a heart killer. If he was bad for you then you already have your closure/answers you need. Everything in his life from this point on is irrelevant, focus on you and your great things in your life. You had great strength to build Nc from the beginning and you have the strength to get past this as well. 1
Author Sweetnothing Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 No problem, it's normal to wonder what they are doing, but to actually find out is much more painful, I know this from experience. I can tell you everything my ex has planned for the next month because she told me, after I broke nc and met up with her. It did not help and pretty much put me back at week 1 of the BU. You think you want to know what they are upto, but you don't, it's a heart killer. If he was bad for you then you already have your closure/answers you need. Everything in his life from this point on is irrelevant, focus on you and your great things in your life. You had great strength to build Nc from the beginning and you have the strength to get past this as well. The no contact part was easy. I just kept reminding myself why we broke up and realized I didn't want to be with him. Am I ready for him to see someone else? No way I'm trying to stop myself from checking on him but the information is so easily accessible with the Internet; just a few clicks and I can see what he's up to. It's hard to resist it's hard to keep myself distracted 24 hours a day. I just need to be strong ughhhhh.
BC1980 Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 It's so hard in the beginning, but it's really like a habit. I used to call my ex after work everyday on the way home. I had to break the habit. Literally, I had to force myself not to call him because he was all about us being friends. It was so hard, but it had gotten easier. About 3 weeks after the breakup, my ex called me, and I foolishly answered. . . . breadcrumbs. It was okay at first, but I got upset when he mentioned buying plane tickets for his family vacation this summer. I was supposed to go on that trip. Just hearing that reminded my why I should never have picked up the phone. It gets better each day. Even 2 weeks ago was worse than today. 1
Own Worst Enemy Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 (edited) You go from sane and sensible to panicking sickened irrational "what if" in the snap of a finger, and there's no reason for it. I think deep down you are looking for reassurance that they are still single, still thinking they made a mistake. When the reality is: that may or may not be true, but even if it is, they aren't going to put that online. And the second reality is, they aren't missing us enough, or in the right way, therefore it's academic. And thirdly, it's not our problem now. Let them be someone else's problem! The way I learned to stop looking was that I could honestly say to myself that I felt a million times worse afterwards, and even my dumb brain finally got that. Ignorance is much better. So grab a coffee, go for a walk, text a friend, eat a chocolate bar... Anything. The urge will pass. You're not an animal, so you can control it! Anyway, online dating sucks. Let him go through the rigmarole of filtering out emails from weirdos, emailing the girls whose pics he thinks look ok, just to get ignored, then finally to make the effort of going in a few boring, hard-work dates with strangers that he has nothing in common with.... Edited May 16, 2013 by Own Worst Enemy 1
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 (edited) OP: Oh how I have been there. It's a hard road to try and stop especially if you are the type to wonder. I can assure you nothing good comes out of it. NOTHING. Its easier said than done, but block things if need to. What I did was have my computer friend block websites on my computer (ie Facebook Instagram, etc) and on my phone. That way, I had no choice. After a while, you won't care at all. I could give two flying f**** what my ex is doing. It does work itself out. Edited May 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Response to deleted post
Own Worst Enemy Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 i KNOW my ex will be online dating. i'm "the only person on the planet he wants to spend any time with", but he juuuuuuuust wants to keep those options open "in case there is a thinner version of me out there". i need to keep thinking it hardly ever works, otherwise i will get very upset by the thought of him meeting someone amazing, effortlessly and instantly. to be fair, everything works for someone. but i was thinking about the stats that match use - they say 1 in 5 relationships start online. 20%? and that must include all the ways people meet online that aren't through dating websites, eg my friend met her husband on a work-based forum, and another friend met her bf through her mate's facebook... when you look at it that way, 20% in the current day and age, when so much is online, doesn't seem that high to me? or am i just prejudiced? either way, if i were in match's marketing team, i'm not sure it's a stat i'd use on my expensive adverts!
Leigh 87 Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 man, that would have hurt! I am so sorry, this must really sting! Ouch.. Look, either way you have to move on. You knew deep down that if your not together, he WOULD or WILL have moved on to other people albeit not necessarily serious. You did know, right? What overcame you that made you have to check up on him? Why do you think your curiosity overcame the fact you KNEW you would get hurt? If it is any consolation: he may still have strong feelings for you, yet know that since things are over, he may as well see what is out there.
Own Worst Enemy Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 said it took away the impossible first step of approaching a girl if you're shy. which is fine, and let's face it, online dating is certainly here to stay and it's only going to get bigger. but it does lead to a false sense of tonnes of choice, which makes people act like douches. and it feels like putting yourself on ebay, only for people to make a snap judgment based on your profile pic. i think it's pretty soul destroying from that aspect. but...... i guess i'll still end up doing it again!!!!!!! 1
BLo7687 Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 My ex did the same thing immediately right after we broke up and this is where he met his new gf. Of course at that time I did not know but I did suspect that he was talking to somebody (intuition) while we were still trying to see if we can work things out, still hooking up, breadcrumbs etc. I thought he would of at least met someone at the gym, school, or through friends. He didn't tell me until about 2 months later that he met this girl at a dating website. Once he told me this, I wasn't surprise to be honest because he's the type of person that can't be alone. All those times he was wishy washy about getting back together now made sense and it was because of this girl. And that's the way the cookie crumbles...
Author Sweetnothing Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 Well I haven't checked up on him in 2 days and the urges are becoming less frequent and it is getting easier. I still want to know what he's up to but at the same time I don't. I hope I get to a point soon where I don't care anymore. I am going to remain single for at least 3 months I decided. I've already realized I don't NEED a relationship to be happy and I'm noticing a lot of the benefits of being single! Like I can do what I want when I want and I don't have to let anyone know what my plans are. I can make spur of the moment plans with friends and not have to worry about his work schedule, etc. I can text guy friends without wondering if I'm making anyone jealous. I can hang out with guys without the fear of making anyone suspicious. I am definitely a pleaser when I'm in a relationship and I always worry about my partner's feelings so it's relaxing to only focus on myself
TaraMaiden Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 ... think of it this way. Your relationship was some awesome dinner meal you guys made together, but somewhere along the way the dinner got spoiled, so you have to throw it away. Now would you really keep going back to the trash can to grab a bite of it because you miss how much it tasted? Hell no! Leave it in the trash where it belongs and go make a new dinner with someone else! It'll taste a helluva lot better and it will be good for your health Great analogy! I will probably make use of it in future, as appropriate - and be sure to give you credit!
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