GuyInLimbo Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 I've noticed that a lot of people on here react in self-destructive ways when a spouse is caught cheating and/or give people harmful advice when it comes to how someone should deal with a cheating spouse. I'm fortunate enough to not have gone through this. But for those who think the kids should know, or whatever, I found this article today that should be seriously considered: Kate Scharff: My Husband Cheated and I'm Telling the Kids! 1
TaraMaiden Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Good article. I've always advocated 'leaving the kids out of it'. 2
PoopHappens Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 The woman is out to lunch. blame |blām| verb [ trans. ] assign responsibility for a fault or wrong. This does not preclude carrying on as you should, which is involving both parents appropriately. My daughter absolutely needs her mother but there isn't a chance in that hot spot way down low that I won't mention why things went sideways. She wants you to treat your kid like an idiot which is not unlike how most cheating spouses treat the SO.
Shocked Suzie Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 This is a great link I however truly believe that depending on a child's age to what they are told...the most important part is "what is said and how things are dealt with after this" you can't treat young adults the same as young children, young adults need to be able and have the right to digest the facts and deal with them how they wish...the facts should be given by both parents, "discussed prior to the chat".... for me if we hadn't have told our children the truth, the behavior of my Ex when he left would have left my children extremely confused and more than likely question how their father felt about them over a two week period "over Xmas" he came, he went...he cried...i actually supported him! even knowing he was going back and forth to another woman...i wanted to try to save my marriage, the children were confused and overwhelmed... When he finally left, we told the children...didn't go into detail, just gave simple facts and explained that sadly sometimes these things happen... didn't go on about it, more so gave them reassurance after a week of him leaving, he took off on holiday with the GF, 'we have no money' at the end of his holiday he tried to a couple of times talk the kids into meeting the GF "this was AWFUL for them as they were still in total shock"....he done many no shows....acted like a total twat! my kids didn't think that his poor father performance was because he didn't love them...they understood he was in the moment....he would get over this and dad would settle...I was able to talk to them openly about this because they knew, i didnt have to lie to them...we could discuss what was happening you cant wrap young adults in cotton wool, it insults their intelligence... ..HOWEVER the most important part of all is how it is handled after the event this is not a time to score points or screw with young minds....it a time for support and allowing them expressing themselves... suppressed confusion and anger is not healthy
coaches24 Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 I don't think you can "leave the kids out of it" per se. What you tell them depends on how old they are and how much they can understand. I talk to my daughter about our situation but I do it by asking her questions about what she sees and feels and that gets her asking questions that she might have been scared to ask otherwise. What I don't do is make my wife out to be the bad guy. My daughter is only 4 so what she hears from me is that sometimes mommy's and daddy's have problems and they just have to try and work on those problems and that's what is going on with us. And I (and my wife does as well) spend a lot of time with my daughter and tell her constantly how much we both love her. Using the kids "against" your husband or wife is where the real problems lie. My parents divorced when I was 17 and even at that age there was MUCH I didn't know about until I was alot older. Im almost 40 now and I still don't think I know everything that happened with my parents. But what they did do was answer my questions at the time which helped me cope with what was going on. Wasn't a good time for me by any means but I think it would have been worse had they tried to keep me completely in the dark and or lie to me about what was going on. 1
Steadfast Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 I've noticed that a lot of people on here react in self-destructive ways when a spouse is caught cheating... I see the point in your post, but must remind you if you've never been there, you have no idea. Fact: Divorce brings out the worst in most people. In my case and very specifically, my decision not to tell my children that their mother had stepped out (and wanted out of the marriage) was based on several factors. My motivation was a mix of common sense, a true desire and heartfelt need to not make things even worse, and to prove my ex wrong. I didn't then and still don't like being labeled a manipulator, and in the heat of her justification process, predicted the path I'd take when she refused to reconcile. I'd round the troops. Turn the kids against her. I did none of it, but watched in amazement as she tortured their relationship. They pressed and she eventually told them what she'd done, then punished them for years after they rejected her plan to leave me and live with her. At times, it was very hard to keep my mouth shut, but I did. And guess what? She blamed me anyway. I 'manipulated' them by not saying anything and making myself look like a 'better, more stable person in their eyes.' In time, she came off this crazy story. If was even too much for her to believe, and that's from someone who was cranking out lies like M&Ms. Like I said, divorce brings out the worst in people. It took me some time to realize that it brought out the worst in her too. That's life. Live and learn. 1
Author GuyInLimbo Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 Steadfast, you are absolutely right. I guess my hope was that this would even help ONE family. I have in-laws that have been divorced and I'm really sick at how people treat each other and makes the kids so sad and unhappy. I'm on the cusp of this and HOPE that things can remain amicable. I really only worry about people on my wife's side. But my plan is to include consequences in our agreement if another family member interferes with the kids in this way.
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