thetroublewithme Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 (edited) Moderation note - See also: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/393462-why-won-t-she-introduce-me#post4889539 It just all came to a head. I told her to get out and she took all her stuff and left. 2 years..... She has had a group of male friends since we first met, never could introduce me to a single one. In fact it took her 6 months to tell them we were dating. From the time we started dating she phased out contact with them. One of them admitted to liking her, and one was a teenage boyfriend. She always maintained facebook contact with all of them, which always bothered me. Last year she went to the guy who liked her's bday party, I wasn't invited so she said I shouldn't go. I should have dumped her then. Today she told me she is taking Saturday off work to go to the teenage boyfriends party. She told me she couldn't come to my friends party last saturday (which I asked her weeks in advance) because she couldn't take the time off work. I am not invited to this party. She said it would be rude to bring me along because he didn't mention me nor does he know me and its his birthday. I told her I'd had it, to grab her stuff and get out. When I first started dating her these guys bugged me, they showered her with attention. She never could bring me to meet them, always some excuse. I just couldn't bear the thought of her going to hang out with all these guys after 2 years. She tried to make me feel bad and say that she hasn't barely seen them either. I said the only reason you haven't seen them is because of me. Now you can go get them to shower you with attention. Edited May 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
siankat Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 I'm really sorry she was like that. If i was like that with my boyfriend then yeah, it could be for a lot of reasons and none of them good
Author thetroublewithme Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 I just sick of being made to feel crazy or jealous over this. I know that 10 years from now it would be the same. She would have these guys in the background. Nothing would be going on with them physically or emotionally, yet she would never want me to be friends with them. 2
Author thetroublewithme Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 Do you think? She will probably do what she did a year ago and go to the party then try and make things better after
bdizzle Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 She only had 10 minutes worth of stuff to take? Anyway, condolences.
Author thetroublewithme Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 Basically all the stuff she leaves at my house. I helped her pack it....
Calvin's wagon Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Hi. Wow, she was really really really disrespectful to you, lacked basic empathy and relationship logic, seriously jeopardized/broken the relationship trust, lacked healthy boundaries,..., and I kept on expecting to read that you found she had cheated on you... Hanging out with her ex, with guys that liked her, not introducing you to them, not mentioning for a long time that she is dating you, going to their parties without you (and with extremely lame excuses) etc. I hope I'm wrong (maybe I'm seeing too many similarities between her and my cheating ex), but I got the feeling that there was quite a chance that sooner or later she would have cheated on you. Honestly, I hope you will go strict/full NC today and very soon figure out that breaking up with her was one of the best things you've ever done for yourself, and that you will not go back to her nor doubt yourself (too much) for breaking up with her. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself! Wish I had done so sooner for myself... You've mentioned "I should have dumped her then" - I'm glad that you're seeing this, and that you'll continue to think for yourself, talk to people here & talk to your friends, so that you will fully realize just how bad all these things that she did were. Another thing - I'd strongly recommend you use this opportunity for personal growth - to learn more about yourself, to work on yourself (not so she will see, but for your own sake!) both physically and emotionally/mentally. Read books about psychology, try to learn to be happy on your own. Also, try to figure out why/which issues caused you to tolerate her outrageous behaviour for so long, so that you will resolve those issues and that in the future you'll be better at protecting yourself and cutting off people like her from your life much sooner. Best of luck! 1
Calvin's wagon Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 P.S.: If I were in your shoes, I'd never ever let her back in my life again, no matter what bullsh-t and what sweet words she would offer in apology. After disrespecting you and destroying your trust for so long, I would never be able to trust anything she said or done ever again (or I would, but only after many many years of very painful and hard work, better spent on myself, my friends and someone who has never hurt me that much). So there would be no point in talking to her, because you'd never know if it were lies/BS. Also, once someone hurts you so badly, violates trust&basic relationship stuff like she did, it's (at least for me) impossible to forget that, no matter how great they act afterwards, how much they seem to change for the better. Some things, for me, cannot be undone, and it's better to move on and find someone else who hasn't hurt the relationship, trust,..., beyond repair. Aargh, just reading about her actions makes me cringe! I really hope you'll never ever spend any more of your life on her. I'd strongly advise against ever getting involved with her (even in the slightest bit). Enlist your friends to keep you maintain NC and her out of your life permanently. There are so many awesome girls out there waiting for you, and even more importantly, there's a much more happier, experienced, stronger,..., you waiting out there in the near future to enjoy life and be truly happy, with or without someone else! No point in wasting your life on someone who treats you this badly! Also, consider reading the book "No more mr. Nice guy" - available for free in PDF online (google it and start reading it)!
Chief Wiggum Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Whoa, so there's a hell of a lot more to this than what you mentioned in your other thread? Excellent decision in dumping her. Best thing you've done. Do not give her any chance to get back with you. Cut her off completely. Again, well done for taking any more of her crap. 2
Author thetroublewithme Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 The thing is that our relationship is quite good otherwise. We are normally happy and these guys don't even exist. She is a very loving girlfriend. This guy who's bday party it is isn't really an ex in my book, they dated for 2 weeks and nothing sexual ever occurred. It's just the logic behind it all. I think there is something she is embarrassed of, or perhaps she is embarrassed of me. I am struggling to cope right now. I feel physically ill, just knowing she is probably going shopping for a present for him today makes me so angry and upset, and I want to tell her that if she goes through with going that is effectively ending any chance of salvaging our relationship. Should I tell her that?
Chief Wiggum Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Honestly, going by what you've said in the opening post, she's really not worth the hassle. If you can't trust her now -- I mean, who f***in' would! -- then you never will. Like you've already said, do you really wanna' be in a relationship like that? You're getting second thoughts, but that's very normal. Don't make the mistake in letting her back. Even if she doesn't go to this party, there is enough evidence above to suggest that 3 or 4 months down the line you will again be having this same issue. The fact that she -- your girlfriend! -- has had hidden male friends that she's kept away from you, is massive no-no. And, sorry to sound like a prick here (because this will sound harsh), but it's possible that, somewhere deep down, she's only still with you because she feels she hasn't met anyone better for herself. That could be why she always has these male friends that she's kept away from you. While she's got you secured as her current boyfriend, she's probably still on the market looking for an improved one. That sounds cruel, I know, but a lot of partners do that. They can appear as though they're all into you and in love, but deep down they harbour these feelings and can at some point act on them. That's what could be happening with this old friend. They have a history -- a history that's stronger than she's let on -- and he could well be that guy who she feels is an improvement on you. Sorry, man, just had to throw that possibility out there.
todreaminblue Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 (edited) In my opinion if you dont integrate your bf in with your friends or your family...there's something wrong.....if you are a couple that are committed to each other, than people who know and care about you should be aware of that.......there shouldnt be any question of meeting friends.....you should want for a partner to meet who mean the most to you......you did the right thing..it seems this is on the bloveshack board a lot, about people not wanting others to meet family and friends maybe it is todays dating world...but to me it was a normal thing to meet friends and family it wasnt hidden and there were no agendas.....less trouble..............deb Edited May 16, 2013 by todreaminblue
Author thetroublewithme Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 There is definitely some truth there. To address both posts: She hasn't met any of these male friends for a good year. I have met all her family and to me everyone of importance in her life. I guess I am second guessing because our relationship felt quite normal, these guys don't exist to me. I agree about meeting friends, never been a problem in past relationships, she has met all mine. 1
candie13 Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 I think you were wrong to break up, in a fit of anger. Adults talk about things that bother them. Did you ask her to introduce you to these people? Did you ask her why she is not making them part of your life and why she is so private about having a bf? Indeed, it is her decision to make, her decision to open up and let you become part of all her life. And indeed, it is a major red flag not to let you be part of that. It's a pity to have simply given up at 2 years of your life, without talking things through. I also believe that it was disrespectful to not accompany you to your party and prefer to go to her friend's birthday, but it's not that the issue. The issue is she made that decision by herself, leaving you out of it. Not cool. I'll repeat myself - having fits and getting angry is childish. You need to sit together and talk about these things. If she's not willing to explore them, if she's not willing to open up and let you in, indeed, you should break up. But like adults, after a heart-to-heart discussion about expectations and desires... and future, why not... If I were you, I'd call her back. I'd apologize for having acted so rude, but you felt rejected. I would ask her to have a cup of coffee and then see if there's anything to save - and of course, if she is willing to make any efforts in that direction. You cannot trap a person in a relationship, she needs to want it, just as badly as you. Just... make sure you are making all the right moves and trying your very best not to let if go to hell. I believe that you will regret not giving this a proper shot, in the long run. If she's unwilling to set contact with you, you'd know that you've tried to reason with her and did your part of the job.
Author thetroublewithme Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 The thing is she is never willing to compromise or even discuss this issue. She always gets defensive, and then does the silent treatment until as she says I get over it. Then we pretend everything is back to normal. Other issues she is very open, on this topic she is not willing to even discuss it. I have to always take it. I've asked her so many times why she can't introduce me to these people. Excuses, excuses, excuses. I'm always grovelling back to her on this. The last time she went to one of these parties I got mad then apologised, she then said she was going anyway. Then held it against me. She never cared about how I felt
candie13 Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 You are right to stand your ground. If you've already talked and she refused to let you in, you are right to cut her from your life. Go NC fully and totally. Don't give in. There is a chance of her coming back to you, after Saturday's party, like nothing happened. Be strong. I am sorry this happened to you. Best of luck 1
TaraMaiden Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 D'oh.... This thread is soooooo 'ten minutes ago'.....! OP, Steer clear. Implement No Contact (see my signature) and stay strong, determined and resolved. She's played you and pushed it to far, and I agree. This sucks. But you're right to split.
serial muse Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Ha, just replied to your other thread but I see I was behind the times, as Tara says. Anyway, OP, reading this makes it still clearer: I don't know why she felt she had to keep you separate from them, and maybe you'll never fully know why. But I can't think of a reason that is OK, and for her to never try to figure it out, but instead to blame-shift via your very natural frustration over it, is really a bad sign. I'm sorry. But this would have been a constant source of irritation to you. It would have to me too, by the way.
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