Scheherezade Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Hello, I’m new here so if I inadvertently do something wrong, I do apologize. This is going to be a long post, but I’d really appreciate any help and insight that anyone has to offer because I’m truly at a loss as to what to do next. My relationship of two years ended 9 weeks ago, with my ex saying it just wasn’t working anymore. The announcement didn’t come out of the blue, things had been falling apart for the last six months of the relationship and I’d actually been thinking along the very same lines the day he ended it. A little bit of background; I met him properly in early 2011 (we’d met once three years earlier, but he was in a relationship so I barely noticed him although he’s adamant I was coming onto him at the time) through mutual friends. At the time I was in my last year of university, set to do really well in my degree, with a large social circle and constantly busy with a variety of different activities. He’d just come out of a six year relationship and was in a fragile place so we started out just chatting to each other at group events or having the occasional conversation on facebook. At first I wasn’t attracted to him at all; he was the exact opposite of everything that normally attracts me in a man. He wasn’t particularly worldly, well-read or intellectual. He knew very little about things I was passionate about, and never got any of my references. He was beautiful, but if was a particularly feminine beauty that I’ve never been particularly attracted to and he was at least half a foot shorter than the shortest man I’d ever been with. Yet something just clicked, and we started spending more time with each other without anything romantic ever happening until the day before he was set to go away for a couple of months, when we ended up sleeping together. I’m not in any way inexperienced, but it completely blew my mind, to the extent where I opened up to him about things I’d not shared with anyone else. The next day I felt completely ridiculous, and I put it down to the oxytocin and decided to keep my distance. That summer we both went traveling in different parts of the world, and he had a rebound fling with an older woman, and he later told me that the fact that he couldn’t stop thinking about me the entire two months meant that this was something he had to pursue. So he wooed me, for want of a better term. I was reluctant, I insisted that we keep seeing other people despite spending most of our time together, hoping that we could keep whatever we were doing casual, but he got under my skin. He wasn’t my type, not by a long shot, but he was so funny, so generous, kind and compassionate to everyone around him and anyone that knew him absolutely adored him. The kind of person that has no hint of malice or guile, yet is incredibly emotionally intelligent at the same time. So one day I woke up and that was it. He was under my skin and there was nothing I could do about it. Once my emotional barriers came down I fell for him and I fell hard. For a year, everything was incredible. It wasn’t like we never fought, especially since I have a pretty short fuse and tend to flare up quickly, but it was still blissful. He became my best friend as well as my lover and it was the first time I’d experienced something like that. The cracks began to show a year afterwards when I finished university. I had month with no where to stay before I left the country for a couple of months so we decided to live together for that time. It wasn’t living together that was the problem; finishing university and having to face up to the fact that you now have to find something to do with the rest of your life is tough enough as it is (especially with an Arts degree) but all my friends either moved away or left for the summer and suddenly I had no one. All the extra curricular activities I was involved with also stopped, because none of them were open to non-students and I was also excruciatingly homesick as I hadn’t seen my family for over a year. So I spiraled into depression and he became my emotional punching bag. I wanted him to be with me all the time and I’d get annoyed when he had to go to work or if he hung out with his friends. I was miserable all the time and I’d take it out on him by being snappy and distant. Our sex life ground to a halt and because I was in such a bad place, I kept blaming him for everything. So he cut down on his hours, stopped seeing his friends and spent all his time with me, but I’d still find something to blow up about and accuse him of not caring about me. (I feel incredibly embarrassed writing all this; I was so in the wrong but I genuinely couldn't see it at the time, and it got even worse). Seeing my family over the summer was such a relief. I told my ultra conservative parents about him and gradually brought them round to the idea of us being together. He kissed while I was away, but I forgave him. It was just a kiss and he told me about it straightaway and was incredibly remorseful he was going through a hell of a lot at the time, both at his workplace and finding out his mother had stage 4 cancer. Coming back was like waking up from a wonderful dream. My depression got even worse, I felt like I had no friends, no job and no future. I was diagnosed with ADHD and Anxiety and put on medication that made me even worse. Taking Ritalin was horrific, it made me irritable, paranoid and socially anxious. I never left the house, and became constantly paranoid that his friends hated me so I refused to speak to them. At the time, I thought that he had changed, that he didn’t love me anymore, that he always prioritized his friends over me, but looking back, although he wasn’t faultless and he did do a lot of things wrong, I can truly appreciate the position I put him in. I had turned into a horrible, nasty person who would put him down and belittle him constantly. I’d make snide, sarcastic remarks in front of other people and I every little thing he did irritated and grated on me. I should mention that at this point did try to walk away, as although I was still blind as to the extent of my own issues, I was beginning to realize that the relationship had become toxic. He begged me to stay, that he would make up for everything, and that it would be different. It was ok for a couple of weeks after that but then reverted to the way it was. Even at times when I had a valid reason to be upset about something, I’d become so hysterical and demeaning towards him that it was no surprise that he gradually began to pull away. I never asked him what his problems were, I just assumed I knew all there was to know about them and would then get really angry when he wouldn’t do anything about them. So he just shut down, and I got more and more frustrated. I expected him to put up with everything and anything because I was in a really dark place and yet I never put his transgressions in the same context. He started to distance himself from me about a month before the end. He would lie about working just so he could hang out with his friends, he stopped saying he loved me as often, which would make even more paranoid and erratic. Every sign of doubt on his part would turn me into a sobbing, accusing mess. So I told him that I needed a week to think about things, but called him half way through it, because I was desperate and lonely. He came round and we had a fight. At that point, he completely broke down. He told me how he constantly felt he wasn’t good enough for me, how I made him feel worthless and that he was constantly irritating me and getting on my nerves. How he desperately wanted to make me happy, but that nothing he did seemed to work, and how much that was eating at him emotionally. We’d gone from being two people who completely, totally just ‘got’ one another to having no idea what the other person was thinking or feeling. I got angry and reminded him of all his promises, tried to logically argue why he should stay with me but he just said that we obviously weren’t compatible. The fact that we were constantly arguing, that I was always miserable and nothing he did made me happy and that I treated him with so much contempt, must mean that we just weren’t meant to be. I wasn’t as upset as I thought I would be. I cried uncontrollably and ate my own body weight in chocolate for a night, but after that I was fine. Well I wasn’t fine, but it seemed that the break up was the kick up the backside that I needed. I immediately quit smoking and moved into a lovely new house (my housemates in the old one were contributing to my negativity), I started therapy, started working out again, joined a couple of clubs and an ADHD support group, made new friends and reconnected with old ones. I even started getting paid pretty well for what I love to do. As a result, my confidence came back with a vengeance, and for the first time in months I started to feel like my old self again, like the person I was before and during the first year we were together. (I’d really let myself go over the past six months). None of this was to get him back, I didn’t even miss him at that point, all I felt was relief. Neither of us contacted the other, there was an unspoken NC rule that we both implemented. About a month after the break up I started thinking about him. It was just the occasional memory here and there, but they started to become more frequent. Reading back over my old journal entries from when we were together, and thinking long and hard about the relationship finally made me own up to my own role in its demise; something I’d been in complete denial about. I know what I’ve written makes me look like an awful person, and I fully admit I did horrible things that I’m terribly ashamed of and sorry for and would take back if I could, but apparently I’m not terribly self-aware and just didn’t understand at the time. Then I bumped into him. I was at a street party with some friends and was trying to make my way through the crowd when I found myself standing directly opposite him. He gave me a long stare and then just turned away, and I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. It was all I could do stop having a panic attack right there and then. I thought he was ignoring me, something he said he’d never do, and I was heartbroken. The intensity of my feelings came as a shock, as I’d fully convinced myself that I cared very little if I never spoke to him again. So I sent him a text; it was very polite, hoping he and his family were well and reassuring him that I didn’t want anything from him, but that I’d very much appreciate it if we could remain civil. He replied, apologizing repeatedly and said that he honestly hadn’t seen me, (I can believe this, as I’ve changed my hair, updated my wardrobe and am generally looking after myself miles better. I was also wearing sunglasses that covered half my face) and would have definitely approached me if he had. He said that of course he wanted to be civil; he still cared about me and wondered and worried about how I was doing. He was ok, just working a lot. I responded by telling him it was not to worry about it, I was just under the misapprehension that he’d ignored me and that he needn’t worry, as I was doing much better than I had in a really long time. Which was all true, it wasn’t said for his benefit. He said he was glad I was well and that he was again really sorry for not recognising me. Now ever since then, I can’t stop thinking about him. It hasn’t impaired my day to day function, and I’m not crying into my cereal every morning, but I do miss him. I feel like such a fool; I know that after everything I did I have no right wanting him back but I do, so very much. It seems he’s got it into his head that we’re somehow incompatible, which I think is a cop out; we were both going through really stressful times and the relationship may well have gone past the point of no return, but I absolutely don’t believe it was because we were incompatible. If we did get back together, I would be absolutely prepared to put in the leg work and make sure that things never got to the stage they did before. I didn’t think the post would be this long! I’m so sorry, and so grateful to anyone who managed to read it in its incoherent entirety. My question is this, is there any way he would give a second chance? Or would I be hurting him and making a fool of myself by even trying? Any suggestions on how I would go about it? Thanks!
Author Scheherezade Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 This is a tough situation to be in! Here's a great article, Is there hope for reconciliation after a breakup?, from where I work that addresses this way better than I could and offers some insight and advice. I hope it helps!! Thanks oscarsmom. It's difficult, especially as I now realise how much of the blame rests on my shoulders... I ended up texting him earlier, purely because something reminded me of a really funny memory of when he was teaching me how to ride a bike. He responded immediately, and it was light-hearted and friendly. He'd been in a cycling accident but wasn't too hurt. I don't know where to go from here. I feel more in emotional and in turmoil now than when we broke up.
ChelleBelle08 Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 im right there with you, i didn't realize how intense my feelings were until he dumped me...I took his love for granted and in turn he doesn't feel good enough for me. I have kept in contact with him almost on a daily basis, things are not much better. NC probably would have been better because 2 days of not talking to him made him call me wanting me back to "try". Im not sure, my guy is so stubborn that im not sure he will ever admit he made a mistake... i wish i had the strength to move on and get over this..i hope you can figure out the same...making a guy feel like that (even though not our intention) is a huge blow to their self esteem and ego making them very defensive... 1
Author Scheherezade Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 im right there with you, i didn't realize how intense my feelings were until he dumped me...I took his love for granted and in turn he doesn't feel good enough for me. I have kept in contact with him almost on a daily basis, things are not much better. NC probably would have been better because 2 days of not talking to him made him call me wanting me back to "try". Im not sure, my guy is so stubborn that im not sure he will ever admit he made a mistake... i wish i had the strength to move on and get over this..i hope you can figure out the same...making a guy feel like that (even though not our intention) is a huge blow to their self esteem and ego making them very defensive... You're absolutely right. Even though a lot of the things he did still bug me, I'm now able to put it in the context of his crushed self-esteem; something that was entirely my doing. Thinking about this morning, I realised with horror that when in the relationship I'd become what I feared the most. I turned into my mother. Not just my mother, but my grandmother and my great-grandmother. All fierce, strong and independent women, which is great, but also real ball-breakers that completely emasculate and denigrate the men in their lives. Unfortunately I seem to have only inherited the latter traits. Accepting that made me want to jump put of a window. The weird thing about going NC with my ex was that everything seemed to happen the other way around; stopping contact and working on myself wasn't to get him back. I didn't care much about him at that point. What I find strange is that I'm only beginning to miss him now I'm at the stage where everyone is telling me I should be over him, because I everything's going so well. Not only do I feel like I have my life back, but that I've found myself again. It's confusing me.... If your ex wants you back, do you think you could forget about stuff he did that upset you and start off with a clean slate? Instead of reviving the old relationship, you could focus on creating a whole new one, where neither of your past transgressions matter and no apologies are necessary?
ChelleBelle08 Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 You're absolutely right. Even though a lot of the things he did still bug me, I'm now able to put it in the context of his crushed self-esteem; something that was entirely my doing. Thinking about this morning, I realised with horror that when in the relationship I'd become what I feared the most. I turned into my mother. Not just my mother, but my grandmother and my great-grandmother. All fierce, strong and independent women, which is great, but also real ball-breakers that completely emasculate and denigrate the men in their lives. Unfortunately I seem to have only inherited the latter traits. Accepting that made me want to jump put of a window. The weird thing about going NC with my ex was that everything seemed to happen the other way around; stopping contact and working on myself wasn't to get him back. I didn't care much about him at that point. What I find strange is that I'm only beginning to miss him now I'm at the stage where everyone is telling me I should be over him, because I everything's going so well. Not only do I feel like I have my life back, but that I've found myself again. It's confusing me.... If your ex wants you back, do you think you could forget about stuff he did that upset you and start off with a clean slate? Instead of reviving the old relationship, you could focus on creating a whole new one, where neither of your past transgressions matter and no apologies are necessary? I was raised to be independent and not depend on men. He knows this, but he told me he wishes i was clingy...now that i am, i feel like i am driving him nuts, and i feel degraded. Everyone is telling me to stop talking to him, im being desperate (which i am) but i have told him how i felt, and it didn't fix things....But he has been the only man to give me the chance, and give me time to get to the point of being in love with him...but i was too late and completely regret it. I know he's upset and nervous, i can forgive him for things he's doing while we are broken up. I wish i could have my old guy back but i do understand it's hard right now.. we have both apologized to each other, him for being "mean" to me throughout all this...but im still confused as to where his mind is at. I can start over, i have opened up to him and i feel wonderful about it..i feel i am the person he wanted me to be ( and deep down i wanted to be) and getting over my fears and telling him how i feel was all i needed, and it was 100% him that got me to that place.. but i feel im too late...he is angry and doesn't fully trust me, or totally over us to begin with.. I feel if we tried again it would be totally better, i feel a weight is off my chest and i can say these things to a man without penalty. it is up to him now, but i am putting in all the effort, not sure how much more i can handle..
Author Scheherezade Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 I was raised to be independent and not depend on men. He knows this, but he told me he wishes i was clingy...now that i am, i feel like i am driving him nuts, and i feel degraded. Everyone is telling me to stop talking to him, im being desperate (which i am) but i have told him how i felt, and it didn't fix things....But he has been the only man to give me the chance, and give me time to get to the point of being in love with him...but i was too late and completely regret it. I know he's upset and nervous, i can forgive him for things he's doing while we are broken up. I wish i could have my old guy back but i do understand it's hard right now.. we have both apologized to each other, him for being "mean" to me throughout all this...but im still confused as to where his mind is at. I can start over, i have opened up to him and i feel wonderful about it..i feel i am the person he wanted me to be ( and deep down i wanted to be) and getting over my fears and telling him how i feel was all i needed, and it was 100% him that got me to that place.. but i feel im too late...he is angry and doesn't fully trust me, or totally over us to begin with.. I feel if we tried again it would be totally better, i feel a weight is off my chest and i can say these things to a man without penalty. it is up to him now, but i am putting in all the effort, not sure how much more i can handle.. Seriously, I may as well have written this. I completely relate to everything you've said. It was so liberating to be able to tell someone I love them without fear of seeming weak or that I was giving up a part of myself, so I absolutely understand how difficult it is to feel that you've lost the person that broke down your walls and made you feel that way. I don't mean to give advice; that would be a bit rich since I've made such a mess of my own relationship and am totally at a loss what to do about it, but I think it may be best to now give him a little space. He knows how you feel, but it seems like his pride is still hurt and he's confused and scared of getting hurt again. If my ex ever gets to the point where he started entertaining thoughts of us getting back together again as yours seems to be doing, I've decided that I'll let him know how I feel, but keep my distance until he's had a chance to work through things in his own head. I won't break contact with him, I'll still show him I can be the fiery, happy and independent person he fell in love with, but it's a decision he needs to make on his own. Without me constantly giving him reasons as to why he should be with me. Distance will help you too. Desperation and fear of losing someone can make us do things we may regret later, and you should give yourself some clarity as well. Although I despair of my ex ever reaching that conclusion. I haven't spoken to him, but I feel like he's convinced himself that we just weren't compatible, which I think is a total cop-out. That doesn't mean I don't think the relationship hadn't passed its breaking point, but we wouldn't have clicked so well for such a long time if that had been the case. It's a blessing that I'm currently in a place where I wouldn't be devastated if he didn't want me anymore, but I would find it hard and terribly painful.
ChelleBelle08 Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Seriously, I may as well have written this. I completely relate to everything you've said. It was so liberating to be able to tell someone I love them without fear of seeming weak or that I was giving up a part of myself, so I absolutely understand how difficult it is to feel that you've lost the person that broke down your walls and made you feel that way. I don't mean to give advice; that would be a bit rich since I've made such a mess of my own relationship and am totally at a loss what to do about it, but I think it may be best to now give him a little space. He knows how you feel, but it seems like his pride is still hurt and he's confused and scared of getting hurt again. If my ex ever gets to the point where he started entertaining thoughts of us getting back together again as yours seems to be doing, I've decided that I'll let him know how I feel, but keep my distance until he's had a chance to work through things in his own head. I won't break contact with him, I'll still show him I can be the fiery, happy and independent person he fell in love with, but it's a decision he needs to make on his own. Without me constantly giving him reasons as to why he should be with me. Distance will help you too. Desperation and fear of losing someone can make us do things we may regret later, and you should give yourself some clarity as well. Although I despair of my ex ever reaching that conclusion. I haven't spoken to him, but I feel like he's convinced himself that we just weren't compatible, which I think is a total cop-out. That doesn't mean I don't think the relationship hadn't passed its breaking point, but we wouldn't have clicked so well for such a long time if that had been the case. It's a blessing that I'm currently in a place where I wouldn't be devastated if he didn't want me anymore, but I would find it hard and terribly painful. I agree he needs space and time, he has told me that, and then 2 days later calls me up and "misses" me. And i feel if we are "trying" why would i not talk to him? I told myself i will talk to him if he initiates or asks me to do something, but i didn't talk to him yesterday so when i woke up today decided to call him to ask him something (that i had to, couldn't avoid) and ended up asking him to a concert tonight, which he is "unsure" if he can make it. I havn't kept my distance very much as we have been going through periods of talking and seeing each other to this confusing part again. I don't have the strength right now to "pretend" i have better things to do or dont want to see him, because that just kills me. I have told myself i will stop being crazy but then i contacted him this morning.... i feel like i just keep screwing up. You are correct, he knows exactly how i feel and what i want. I just want constant reassurance from him that i know is too much for me to ask right now...hence me acting crazy. His "i love you's and want to try" just make me feel 100% better. His pride is very hurt, and he doesn't want to get hurt again.. i guess im desperate to prove i won't, yet i keep pushing him to get upset and fight with me. I hope i havn't pushed to far.. You have great advice despite what is happening in your own life...i know what i need to do but its so hard for me. You know what you need to do if it happens for you, and please stick with it. I wouldn't want other people to mess things up the way I am...I know i just need to be myself because thats what he told me i need to do, but if he's not talking to me or seeing me...how can i do that??? it is a big mess..... I guess the hanging out right after a break up is not the best idea... it makes me need more time and space to be myself again (not crazy) and prove to him that im not going anywhere. i hope i get a second chance, and i hope you do as well. It is great having someone like me to talk to who understands why it is so hard to say "i love you" for some people.
Author Scheherezade Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 I agree he needs space and time, he has told me that, and then 2 days later calls me up and "misses" me. And i feel if we are "trying" why would i not talk to him? I told myself i will talk to him if he initiates or asks me to do something, but i didn't talk to him yesterday so when i woke up today decided to call him to ask him something (that i had to, couldn't avoid) and ended up asking him to a concert tonight, which he is "unsure" if he can make it. I havn't kept my distance very much as we have been going through periods of talking and seeing each other to this confusing part again. I don't have the strength right now to "pretend" i have better things to do or dont want to see him, because that just kills me. I have told myself i will stop being crazy but then i contacted him this morning.... i feel like i just keep screwing up. You are correct, he knows exactly how i feel and what i want. I just want constant reassurance from him that i know is too much for me to ask right now...hence me acting crazy. His "i love you's and want to try" just make me feel 100% better. His pride is very hurt, and he doesn't want to get hurt again.. i guess im desperate to prove i won't, yet i keep pushing him to get upset and fight with me. I hope i havn't pushed to far.. You have great advice despite what is happening in your own life...i know what i need to do but its so hard for me. You know what you need to do if it happens for you, and please stick with it. I wouldn't want other people to mess things up the way I am...I know i just need to be myself because thats what he told me i need to do, but if he's not talking to me or seeing me...how can i do that??? it is a big mess..... I guess the hanging out right after a break up is not the best idea... it makes me need more time and space to be myself again (not crazy) and prove to him that im not going anywhere. i hope i get a second chance, and i hope you do as well. It is great having someone like me to talk to who understands why it is so hard to say "i love you" for some people. I do completely understand, and it sounds like he's behaving really erratically and confusing and hurting you even further. It would be easy to dismiss him and say, "He's a w***er, he's treating you like crap and you need to forget him!" but to be honest it just sounds like you're both incredibly emotional at the moment, which is probably taking its toll on both of you. You need to take a step back. It's hard, incredibly hard, but you're hurting so badly that I feel you need to do so for your own sanity and emotional well-being. I know how excruciating the prospect can be; trust me I was in the exact same situation you are when my first relationship broke up. He was my first love, and the overwhelming panic I felt at losing him clouded my judgement to the extent which when I now look back on the things we said and did I just want to cringe in shame. You feel like you have to be in the picture constantly, or else he may forget about you or move onto someone else. But every break up NEEDS at least a period of NC afterwards, to let the dust settle and the fog diminish. Things may work out and you may get back together or they may not, but right now you have to give yourself the time and space to get your head sorted. Even if you got back together right now, it probably wouldn't last because neither of you are thinking straight. You may even come to the conclusion that he wasn't worth all the heartache anyway, but even if you don't your first priority has to be YOU not your relationship. I hope that makes sense. I know you're hurting, it's a terribly painful situation to be in and my heart goes out to you, but you need to step away for a while for your own sake.
Author Scheherezade Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 I've been looking at some of the threads on this forum, and the way some people have described their dumper's behaviour post-break up is upsetting me even more. My ex may not want to be with me anymore, but I know he misses me. Yet he was considerate enough to not leave me any breadcrumbs; I said I wouldn't be able to be friends after we broke up and he's respected that to the letter. I could tell he was really happy to talk to me when I initiated contact, but he also knew it would be selfish to do so before I'd indicated I was ready, as well as self-preservation. Some people say DO NOT CONTACT YOUR EX, IF THEY WANT TO GET BACK WITH YOU THEY KNOW WHERE YOU ARE, but that's not applicable to every situation. What if someone is just a truly decent person, and feels doing so would be inconsiderate and worries about messing with your head all over again? My ex broke up with me feeling deep down that he wasn't good enough, that he'd never been good enough and that he would never be able to do anything right by me; all sentiments I fostered in him. So even if he did decide he wanted me back, he would never say anything unless he was 100% sure it wouldn't hurt or upset me in any way. (He would probably also be worried about me laughing in his face. There have been times when my fear and pride led me to be far nastier than I ever thought I was capable of.) Which leaves me in a bit of a conundrum when trying to figure out what he might be thinking once we re-establish contact. Does he still love me but is worried about the outcome of a declaration, or does he just feel sorry for me? I know I'm the one that got dumped, but considering my past behaviour I feel like I have a lot of work and making up to do, even if we never reconcile. Anyway, I'm rambling. I think for now I'm just going to take little, tiny baby steps and see where it gets me. There's no point in rushing into anything; I'm not going to regain his trust and respect overnight. I'll keep posting updates, even if no one reads them. It's surprisingly cathartic.
ChelleBelle08 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 I've been looking at some of the threads on this forum, and the way some people have described their dumper's behaviour post-break up is upsetting me even more. My ex may not want to be with me anymore, but I know he misses me. Yet he was considerate enough to not leave me any breadcrumbs; I said I wouldn't be able to be friends after we broke up and he's respected that to the letter. I could tell he was really happy to talk to me when I initiated contact, but he also knew it would be selfish to do so before I'd indicated I was ready, as well as self-preservation. Some people say DO NOT CONTACT YOUR EX, IF THEY WANT TO GET BACK WITH YOU THEY KNOW WHERE YOU ARE, but that's not applicable to every situation. What if someone is just a truly decent person, and feels doing so would be inconsiderate and worries about messing with your head all over again? My ex broke up with me feeling deep down that he wasn't good enough, that he'd never been good enough and that he would never be able to do anything right by me; all sentiments I fostered in him. So even if he did decide he wanted me back, he would never say anything unless he was 100% sure it wouldn't hurt or upset me in any way. (He would probably also be worried about me laughing in his face. There have been times when my fear and pride led me to be far nastier than I ever thought I was capable of.) Which leaves me in a bit of a conundrum when trying to figure out what he might be thinking once we re-establish contact. Does he still love me but is worried about the outcome of a declaration, or does he just feel sorry for me? I know I'm the one that got dumped, but considering my past behaviour I feel like I have a lot of work and making up to do, even if we never reconcile. Anyway, I'm rambling. I think for now I'm just going to take little, tiny baby steps and see where it gets me. There's no point in rushing into anything; I'm not going to regain his trust and respect overnight. I'll keep posting updates, even if no one reads them. It's surprisingly cathartic. I agree and thinking about this from every angle is hard... He could totally be a decent person who doesn't want to cause you more pain, i have done it as have people i have ended things with have. There has to come a point where you decide to fight though, some people you just need to do it for. As you know, my ex thought he wasn't good enough but we kept in contact, trying to win back his trust and to change his thinking is proving to be impossible.... Even though i never thought he was less then me i somehow made him feel that way which is hard to change..
Author Scheherezade Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 I agree and thinking about this from every angle is hard... He could totally be a decent person who doesn't want to cause you more pain, i have done it as have people i have ended things with have. There has to come a point where you decide to fight though, some people you just need to do it for. As you know, my ex thought he wasn't good enough but we kept in contact, trying to win back his trust and to change his thinking is proving to be impossible.... Even though i never thought he was less then me i somehow made him feel that way which is hard to change.. That's true, which is why I think I'm going to take it really slowly. The onus is on me to show that he can talk about his feelings without hurting me or being shot down. Btw, I replied to you in the post above the one you quoted. I really think it may be best if you take some time out for yourself.
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