johan Posted September 28, 2004 Posted September 28, 2004 I'm wavering. We've degenerated into a no-contact standoff. Guess I get what I deserve. What I asked for. I was hoping for a different outcome. The fact is, you can't make someone love you. If they don't love you the way you expect, then it's going to build up over time. It was building up on me. I've been feeling worse, because my convictions are weaker than they were. I'm losing touch with the harsh feelings I was having. I remember the nice things that I miss. I think I'm justified staying away, because I told her I would give her time and space to figure out how she felt about me. I need a better explanation for why we've had such a hard time with intimacy. Emotional intimacy and time together. Physical intimacy was fine. All I wanted was for her to join my life. To want to. Why can't I describe it, anyway? Everyone knows how relationships go, after all. You fall for someone and then you start merging your lives. You stay over and you take spare things for sleeping. You hang out and goof off and do nothing together. You do everything together. You don't want to be apart. I always invited her over to stay with me. I always wanted to to everyday things together. Anything you can imagine doing together, I'd do it. I'd arrange my time and space to include her. I'd come to be a part of hers. She never took my offers. She made few offers to me. She made time for me in her spare time. She was consistent about it for over 2 years. She invited me for dinner or came over with her daughter. We did things together, but it was by arrangement, and she was ALWAYS late. It wasn't because we were just together. It's hard to describe. I understand it wasn't practical for her to get closer. She has a place of her own and her daughter to take care of. But I just wanted her to WANT to. I just wanted her to say at the end of the night she wished it would go on forever. I just wanted her to fall asleep in my arms. That never happened. Pile on the trust issues she had. All the doubts and accusations and total lack of forgiveness for things that only proved betrayal in her mind. After she used her imagination to fill in my motivations and whatever I was doing in between the facts. She always chose the worst. How can I believe a girl like that really loves me? She stopped emailing last week. No phone calls. No love. Her emails accused me of a lack of understanding. My responses just re-stated my position: I get the feeling that our relationship is fine with her the way it is. I feel like Aidan: Carrie loved him but not enough. I couldn't just watch time pass without finding out the truth. I didn't handle it perfectly. I got mad at her for being so exasperating. I don't express myself well these days. There is always a hole in my logic that lets everything I want so bad leak out. So here I am alone and I'm wondering: did I destroy us? Have I sacrificed her feelings for me out of pride? Were my expectations based on an immature concept of relationships? I'd like to think I'm doing this because I'm protecting myself from a heartache that will pounce on me someday. But I have to admit I'm trying to force her hand, I'm manipulating her, I need to know is it as easy for her to live without me as I thought? Why doesn't she call and try? Is it fair for me to expect her to? I don't fcking know. I'm a sweet smart funny guy, dammit. I try really hard. I'm just not sure what to do. I can feel her love dying. I'm afraid to call her and hear it in her voice. I'd rather stay away forever than to hear even a hint of that coldness in her voice that tells me it's all over. That voice makes me feel like a puppy left out in the rain at night.
moimeme Posted September 28, 2004 Posted September 28, 2004 You deserve someone who wants to be with you as much as you do her. Who does all the things you wished this girl would do, but didn't. You will find one. First, you have to go through withdrawal from this relationship. Then you have to heal. Then you will find someone who loves you back without you having to chase her for it. Don't settle for less.
Author johan Posted September 28, 2004 Author Posted September 28, 2004 Thanks for the nice words, moi. I've been feeling pretty crappy about this. Makes me whiny.
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