dichotomy Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 For any BS (or OW your free to post here) - did NC simply involve NC - that is stopping the contact to the OM/OW or was there a demand some sort of Mea Culpa to OM/OW and anyone associated with it? That is did you ask your WS to go beyond NC and express regret and shame to OM/OW or those that also knew about affair. Does it matter to a BS, what OM/OW thinks or understands of how WS now thinks of them and the affair ....after NC and repair has begun?
underwater2010 Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 I just wanted all contact with MOW to end. I was lucky in that the affair had already ended. But they were still friends on facebook. The only guilt that was expressed, besides to me, was to MOW's BH. I did not hesitate to give him my FWH's phone number. I just asked that he treat my FWH with the same respect that I treated his WW. No yelling and/or name calling.
Owl Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 The goal was to get contact to end, in both directions. To that goal, typically the OW/OM has to understand clearly that the affair is OVER. They also have to understand why NC is required...why a "friendship" can't be maintained post-affair. They need to understand that...beyond that, I know I most certainly didn't care what OM thought that my wife was 'thinking' or not. 3
waterwoman Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 As far as I know there was no contact after the text message saying I had found out and it was over, apart from a very brief conversation at work the following Monday at which point she told him he was a 'f&cking idiot' for not deleteing the texts. They have to work in the same place but no longer together. I did find it hard not to have seen and heard their last conversation. I would hate to think it was the same as some of the MM/OW conversations I read on here. I wanted him to send her a NC letter but he wouldn't. At first because it was unneccesarily unkind (couldn't give a stuff at that time!!) but later because it would reopen communications. He wrote one in the end because I was driving myself mad with feelings of doubt and insecurity. It was written for my benefit entirely and never sent - it was a love letter to his wife to all intents and purposes. Now I am a bit more settled I can find the room to feel sorry for her and hope she is OK. H is largely indifferent as far as I can tell. As far as I can concerned if there was a Mea Culpa it should have been a two-way one - they were both married and both screwed up. The bus throwing might have happened either way. 1
Spark1111 Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 For any BS (or OW your free to post here) - did NC simply involve NC - that is stopping the contact to the OM/OW or was there a demand some sort of Mea Culpa to OM/OW and anyone associated with it? That is did you ask your WS to go beyond NC and express regret and shame to OM/OW or those that also knew about affair. Does it matter to a BS, what OM/OW thinks or understands of how WS now thinks of them and the affair ....after NC and repair has begun? I didn't ask for any of it. HE HAD to end it with her or we were over for good. Actually, I was ending it with him, and he ended it with her. No, they could not still be friends. She told him she understood, but I believe she was way too nice in the hopes I would divorce him and they would wind up together. She also expressed indignant outrage that I would be upset with their affair. HE was in control of mending us, mending his relationship with his children, his family and his friends. He's a grown man fercryin'outloud! And I am not his mother. As for the OW, why would I care if he was a good bf in how he broke up with her? Yes, he did lie to her too....let her down gently. He WAS MARRIED. She knew he was MARRIED. We went on romantic weekends away. She knew this. She worked very, very hard to "win" him away from me and our children. In MC, he said he realized he was in too deep and did not how to extract himself from her about 6 months before dday. I called him a coward for NOT telling her that. 4
Author dichotomy Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 (edited) Waterwoman, I get much of your feelings. Edited May 15, 2013 by dichotomy
Author dichotomy Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 I really don't think he cares what she thinks, after she attacked our child I think he saw the real her. Holly crap! Physically? emotionally? I would gone have wild with rage.
ladydesigner Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 I didn't ask for any of it. HE HAD to end it with her or we were over for good. Actually, I was ending it with him, and he ended it with her. No, they could not still be friends. She told him she understood, but I believe she was way too nice in the hopes I would divorce him and they would wind up together. She also expressed indignant outrage that I would be upset with their affair. HE was in control of mending us, mending his relationship with his children, his family and his friends. He's a grown man fercryin'outloud! And I am not his mother. As for the OW, why would I care if he was a good bf in how he broke up with her? Yes, he did lie to her too....let her down gently. He WAS MARRIED. She knew he was MARRIED. We went on romantic weekends away. She knew this. She worked very, very hard to "win" him away from me and our children. In MC, he said he realized he was in too deep and did not how to extract himself from her about 6 months before dday. I called him a coward for NOT telling her that. The bolded above is much how our situation panned out. But as far as the NC...Yep it was that or I was done. No ifs and or buts FINITO!
Athens Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Just NC. What she thinks is immaterial, so he does not have to tell her he regrets the affair. It's not about them ending, it's about he and I beginning. We are what counts and from DDay forward, there was no them. His regret of the affair has nothing to do with it being over, it's over because he is with me. 2
Benedictatu Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 I told him I would take him back but I wanted him to tell his friends horrile things about her too because I was tired of hearing from others about horrible things his friends were saying about me. I wanted his friends to know what kind of person she was and what he had chosen to break up his family for. It mattered to me. I wanted them to know.
Its_MEE Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 This is my first post in "your side of town" and I'll understand outrage if it comes to me.. I was the OW for about a year. DDAY was 4/27/13. It was a Saturday. He was helping me pick some couches up and I noticed his face. Asked him what was up and he told me she knew... She knew that he was acting different for months but didn't know with who or if there really was someone else. Although... I'm POSITIVE she knew he was having an A. Me and MM work together. The Monday after DDAY we met for lunch as we always did and he told me something along the lines of "we have to chill out for a while". I cried. I got it. But not really... We met for lunch almost everyday for a week after that. We texted each other that Friday night. He called me Saturday and Sunday(mothers day). At which point I asked why he was calling me and to not call me anymore. She was back home and got a hold of my number Monday night. Calls me at 11pm telling me to seize all contact with her husband and that she doesn't give a F what he's been telling me... This Monday I saw him.. I told him that if he was reeeeally trying to R. Then he needs to let me go. Let me go. Let me go. I repeated that a million times that day. But it crushed me... I stopped meeting him for lunch... Yesterday he brings me breakfast to work. I snapped and asked why?? I said you're still cheating and she would NOT be ok with you bringing me food... That he needs to stay away from me if he really truly wants his marriage to work.. He then tells me that he is trying but he can't stop thinking about me... I schooled him a little and explained that this is grieving.. We are both grieving but that he would forget, as would I. He can't stay away. He even seemed OFFENDED when I told him there was NO WAY we'd be "friends". He explained that a friend told him that he got married to his W an left his ex W because he was afraid that he would look back in 20 yrs and think that she was the one that got away.. And tht he thinks that with me... And I'm just like shut up... I won't sit here and lie.. I am in love with this man. I believe he loves me also... But he has made his choice to be with his family.. A commendable choice.. But all I do is sit and think about him. I am having a terrible time letting go. But he knows now... As long as you are still married, we are OVER. You're all probably reason this in disgust.. "Why would you so stupidly fall in love with a MARRIED MAN"?!! I know guys.. I ask myself the same thing. But what's done is done and cannot be undone. He has not made any official letter telling me anything.. She hasn't either since that night. I don't believe he is bad mouthing me but he doesn't need to. I am bowing out as quietly as possible. I get filled with rage at times.. "Why"!?! You ask?? "Why, when you hurt her!? She was an unwilling participant"! I know... She wishes I would die right now. She knows her H loves someone else.. But he knows he is saying home. So she doesn't feel the need to contact me any longer... I sometimes, selfishly, wish she would.
Its_MEE Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 I'm sorry for all of the typos. I'm on my phone and type pretty fast....
Goodbye Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 I just wanted all contact with MOW to end. I was lucky in that the affair had already ended. But they were still friends on facebook. The only guilt that was expressed, besides to me, was to MOW's BH. I did not hesitate to give him my FWH's phone number. I just asked that he treat my FWH with the same respect that I treated his WW. No yelling and/or name calling. I was curious how your D day occurred so late after the end of the affair?
underwater2010 Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I am hyper vigilant about checking on my 14 yrs old daughter's facebook page. I happen to use my husband's computer one night and it was open to his facebook page, so I looked in the messages. What I found the first night was the tip of the iceberg. I called him out on it and left my ring on his computer. He left his computer at home again and I happened to open outlook which was linked to his email, but not recently updated. That is where I found the pics and videos. I dug into his email and found tons of messages between him and his MOW. It was long over for them, but fresh to me. I called her twice and she said she told her husband. I didn't believe it so I texted him (cell number found on facebook) and asked him to call me. The rest is history. And yes I still have the emails, videos, and pics from her. Locked away.
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