tell the truth... and look where it gets you!

[chupichulo]

Hi everyone,

 

Just got to let off some steam.

So back in February she dumps me, after three years... some on and off, but I count three years. This time it's OFF. No way I can get back with her.

 

So what do I do ? I start looking at some dating websites. Maybe it's time to move on and find somebody else.

 

Went out for dinner with another woman I met online and then after....

we did the thing that people do in the evening after dinner.

This was in mid-March I think. So let's count 1.5 months I've been single.

I admit it was a bit quick, but after 1.5 months of being told there was no way we would ever get back together, I thought why the hell not ???

 

It was just a one-off. If anything it did nothing but convince me more that I wanted to stay with my ex. But she remained adamant that we would never get back together this time......

 

Until last week.

 

kisses and into bed. I'm very happy. We're back on.

 

 

She says to me, while we were apart, I went out with another guy, just for a drink. What do you think ?

 

I said, "Fine, If we're not in a relationship, what you do with other guys is nothing to do with me."

 

Now you know what's coming.......

 

"...and you, have you been out with anyone else ?"

 

What do I do? Do I tell the truth, or do I lie ?

 

Out of respect for this person that I really love, I decided to tell the truth.

You don't get a lot of time to think about it.

And I'd like to think I'm not a liar.

 

did she take it well ? No, she did not.

 

She's acting just like I screwed somebody else while we were together.

"How can you go with somebody else and then still expect me to believe you love me?"

 

Uh, excuse me, you finished with me. I was a single man.

 

What bothers her is the ease with which I, and all men, will put out, on the first date. No emotional value to the thing. Just sex.

 

well yeah. I much prefer to make love with somebody in a relationship, somebody I love. ie her.

 

but if that's not possible, I will look elsewhere.

 

All of this I have said to her, in the last few days, before we reached the point of shouting #### YOU at each other last night.

 

It seems at the moment there's no way back.

so much for telling the truth, huh?

 

I welcome any comments. Anybody been in the same situation?

Any suggestions for making things better?

[Treasa]

Yeah, don't get back together with this girl who threw you away at least once and then had the gall to get mad at you for actually moving on with your life and not crying into your Cheerios.

 

I'm glad you told the truth.

[ChelleBelle08]

nice job, glad you told the truth, thats all i want in a relationship and i never get it...sometimes it helps you move on..sometimes it doesnt. She has no right to be mad...if it was me, i would have probably done the same freaking out bit, and then after i got over it would be back...i think you could have a chance but now up to you...girls will be girls...

[youngnlove89]

I can understand how that would bother her and in that situation I wouldn't have said that I slept with someone. I would have lied. Let me tell you why...

 

We are human beings...if she told you that she slept with a guy, it would bug you right? <graphic sexual content redacted>

 

Yes, you were single and so was she. It's fair. You didn't do wrong. She knows that. But sex is a very intimate thing and when someone you love f.cks someone else it is painful to hear. End of story.

 

"Did you sleep with someone while we were broken up?" That question is so hard to avoid because you want to know, but you really don't, but we have to ask just in case. Even though knowing that the answer will harm us if it's not what we want to hear.

 

It's sometimes better not to ask, not to know. What we don't know can't kill us.

Edited May 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[crederer]

I probably would have just said "I don't want to talk about what either of us did during our break up".

[chupichulo]

Thanks for your replies.

 

Things have not changed much in the last week. Still talking...on facebook mostly.

 

Last week I was saying "We were split!!! I can do what I want!"

She says that's not the problem. It's how can I do that and still go on about how much I love her. And that's what I really don't understand.

Sure, I love you, but if you dump me, I'm gonna go find someone else.

.... and that indicates I don't love you ???

 

I simply don't see any logic there.

 

She has this idea that you should not sleep with someone on the first date, or even the second or third. There has to be relationship of commitment before there can be sex. That's fine. That seems to me a rather old-fashioned way to carry on but if that's what she believes then I've got no problem with it.

I say it's old-fashioned and I don't imagine a lot of MEN share the same attitude. The vast majority of men and some women will sleep with someone on the first date, and why not ??

So because I don't share the same ideas, because I will and did sleep with someone on the first date, that invalidates three years of our relationship.

And every time I say I love her it's bull**** !

[Frank13]

I would have said to her "Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies".

[JustALittleBit]

To be honest I think it sounds like you have different values, and a situation such as this is throwing it in your face. As much as you indicate that all men will sleep with someone on the first date, there are a lot of guys out there who won't, particularly if things haven't been cleared up entirely with someone they love and they consider that they might want a chance with them in the future (yes I know that she dumped you, but I am quite sure you contributed to it as much as she did).

 

The whole thing does sound unfortunate. You didn't really do anything wrong, because what you want to do when you're single is up to you, but honestly I can see where she is coming from. I think it suggests far deeper incompatibilities between the two of you and I doubt you are a good long term match.

[chupichulo]

Hi folks,

For any who might be interested, here's an update.

I continue to say hi on FB and I might get a hi back but not much more.

On Saturday she said she was out for the day and I said "Oh, where?"

 

"WHERE ?? WHO WITH? Do I ask you who you're with and what you're doing ?"

 

 

I wrote a pretty angry message back saying, You've got some bloody cheek to dump me for three months and then say you miss me and you want to start again. Of course, I'm going to see someone else. What did you think I was going to do ? etc etc

 

....and I got an equally angry message back.

 

On Sunday, feeling a little more composed I said hi, do you want to go out for a little walk ? and lo and behold, we did.

 

We went out for just an hour or so and 95% was in silence. I was determined not to say anything that might start us fighting and I was happy just to walk next to her in silence. Maybe I'm clutching at straws but I regard this as a small step forward. She could easily have said no.

So.... it seems for the moment we can continue...as friends... and we'll see where we are some weeks or months down the line.

I hope that some time in the distant future we can get back together but it's going to be a long process. That's where we were before and the return came a lot sooner than I expected, but I put a big spanner in the works by shagging somebody else, and then telling her about it. This time I'm NOT going to look for somebody else.

 

There is no magic wand. If I had one I'd erase my mistake.

 

I wish I had some foolproof plan to win her back. I need a little more than flowers or chocolates. If we can go out together sometimes and do some cool things, then.... I hope...she will come back to me.... because evidently, she still loves me. Seems to me that in order to protect herself from getting hurt, she hides her feelings. Problem is, that only served to make me think she doesn't care about me and so I looked for another.

 

 

 

Be yourself, and be patient. That's all I can do.

 

But if anyone has a magic wand, can I borrow it ?

Any stunning, original ideas to convince a woman that you really love her, when she is convinced that you don't ???

 

thanks for "listening."

[SimonSerenade]

Man you are in a tough spot right now, it's hard to advise you on this, I can see where your both coming from, only I could understand her side if you dumped her but she ran the risk of dumping you and all that could possibly follow, sounds like double standards to me.

 

Right now wether you like it or understand it, your in the dog house, if you want this to work you got to put your pride somewhere and apologise to her, I know you were in the right but you hurt her feelings and she probably has doubts as to what she means right now and if she's hurting she needs some remorse on your side.

 

She's probably looking for you to be mr dependable whos going to stand by her and understand her, be that for her but don't let her take advantage of it, I don't know what else to tell you, if its worth anything I think you did the right thing and that my friend shows your a real man, honest and nothing to hide, true as the day is blue so don't beat yourself up for what you did, how was you to know what the future held for you?

[chupichulo]

Too many whiney emails. I thought I was communicating but turns out I was whining. Got told not to send any more messages or call.

Heard that before but something tells me this time I'd better give it a few weeks, or even months, and then see where we are.

 

Can't talk to her for a while, so I'll shout and scream on here for a bit. Get it out of my system and maybe feel a little better after.

 

So our relationship wasn't working, Yeah? You've been saying that since February and then last month you said maybe it wasn't so bad.

So what am I supposed to believe? Which view represents your true feelings?

 

Hide your feelings inside because that way nobody can hurt you. Great idea! Make me think that our relationship doesn't mean anything to you. I don't mean anything to you! And look what happens...

I hurt you - badly - precisely because you made me think I didn't mean anything to you. You don't cross me out of your life so easily you said.

Well, excuse me but yes you did! That's exactly I what I thought you had done.

 

Yes, I went out with someone else and yes we had sex, but don't worry it was rubbish.

 

SO WHAT ???

 

SO ****ING WHAT ???

 

It's not the end of the world. You think I'm in love with her now??

You can't ever be with me again because there will always be the spectre of this other woman with us ??

 

Come on ! If I was unfaithful while we were still together, you can treat me like I'm a worthless piece of ****, but when you've finished the relationship - two months - it's not like that.

Obviously I don't love you ? How do you arrive at that conclusion?

If I loved you, I wouldn't go with somebody else ?? That doesn't make any sense. I still love you, but you're telling me every day that we're finished, so why shouldn't I move on and try to find somebody else ?

That doesn't mean I don't love you. That's... I love you, but you don't want to know !

 

 

 

 

Writing this, I get a strong feeling of... I've said all this 100 times already but none of it makes any difference. Probably repeating the same things I've said in my previous posts. So we can see where she's coming from from with the "Shut up about it already !" attitude.

 

I'd say I'm normally a pretty well-adjusted guy, but when I get dumped I turn into some kind of obsessive monster. I tell myself, (and her!) that I'm showing the kind of dedication and commitment that is necessary to make the relationship work, but she just thinks I've become a stalker.

And there 's always the burning, oh-so-frustrating feeling that a short while ago, everything was fine. You said you loved me, not so long ago... so what went wrong?? Why can't we at least talk about what went wrong and try to find the way back?

 

and so it goes on.....

 

Let it go! Maybe she will come back, maybe she won't, but writing heavy emails longer than the Bible is not helping. If what you're doing isn't working, try something else. And something else in this instance means doing the complete opposite.

 

So, I'm going NC. Don't know how long it will be. NC is not for me to get her back, I get that. Still in the first three days, and like giving up smoking it ain't easy.

 

Who holds the record ?