vic Posted September 28, 2004 Posted September 28, 2004 Hey, i have been dating my girlfriend for about 2 months now and ever since we started dating, her urge to be with me all the time has been rising and now it has reached a point where i can't take it anymore. She wants me to talk to her 24/7 and always wants to spend time with me. Whenever i tell her i need to go do my homework or even sleep she gets angry/sad and says something along the lines of "fine go". Lately she's been trying to do everything to get my attention, saying i don't like her, telling me she's bad and she knows i'll break up with her and worser things. I tried talking to her a couple of times and for the moment she seems to get it, but afterwards it all gets back to normal. Before dating she was in a relationship with a guy for about 2 years and she really loved him and he started drifting away from her for the same reason, so when i tell her to take it easier and that we should try to spend a little less time together, she doesn't take it too well. What's even worse is that when i try to get her to stop liking me so much it actually makes like me more (go figure..) and making me like her less. Right now i care about her a lot, and i would hate to break up with her over this since everything else if fine about her. If anyone has any suggestion i would very much appreciate them.
Jilly10340 Posted September 28, 2004 Posted September 28, 2004 The times that you tell her you have to go do something else and she get's mad/sad, do you break and stay with her anyway? Because if you do, this may be why she keeps acting that way, because it gets you to stay with her. When you talk to her about these things and she seems to get it, don't let your relationship fall back into the same routine it was in before the "talk." If you need more time for yourself, then stick to it and don't let her talk you out of it or make you feel bad for it. If you continue to talk to her and she just doesn't seem to want to give you your space, is it a possibility that you would want to just move on. Do you want to be in a relationship in which you have no freedom to do your own thing sometimes. You could also try to talk to her again and tell her that you're feeling suffocated and instead of drawing you closer to her it's pushing you away. That may get her to stop.
savethedrama4allama Posted September 28, 2004 Posted September 28, 2004 Since this is a recurring pattern with you and her previous relationship, she may have an actual disorder. Check out this link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dependent_personality_disorder And if you google dependent personality disorder or borderline personality disorder, you'll find more information. I think she may need help!
Jilly10340 Posted September 28, 2004 Posted September 28, 2004 I read that link just out of curiousity. That's pretty scary. From what I get from the guys question, it kind of sounds like his girl. But what exactly does it mean when it says that the two people become one? Does it mean the dependent person becomes just like the supportive person? That confused me.
savethedrama4allama Posted September 28, 2004 Posted September 28, 2004 Jilly, I think they mean that the dependent person cannot separate his or her identity from their partner. They are so dependent on their partner that they might as well be them because they want to control what they think, say, and do. My boyfriend's ex has this disorder. It is why she is such a pain and still, after 1.5 years, will not leave him alone. But I figure it is her own fault because she quit seeing her psychologist and taking her Paxil, so she is not trying to help the situation.
SoReady Posted September 28, 2004 Posted September 28, 2004 It sounds like your girlfriend just wants a lot of attention. That's not a bad thing though. Definitely do not break up with her (unless you feel like you really need to) because I'm sure that would really hurt her. I know where she's coming from, it sounds like she just really really likes you and wants to be with you all the time. Maybe you could just reassure her how much you care about her and want to be with her and that she has nothing to worry about and maybe she'll calm down a little bit.
savethedrama4allama Posted September 28, 2004 Posted September 28, 2004 She may just really like him...but not wanting him to leave to sleep? I'm just telling you, it sounds exactly like my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend's behavior and he let it control him and he is STILL paying the price.
Jilly10340 Posted September 28, 2004 Posted September 28, 2004 Everyone needs a little time for themselves. You can't be joined at the hip, at least not while dating. If she doesn't want to respect his space then he needs to tell her or move on. If it's effecting his life so that he can't even leave her to go do necessary things (sleeping, homework, etc.) then he really needs to confront her about it.
savethedrama4allama Posted September 28, 2004 Posted September 28, 2004 Obviously I'm a little irritated because I am the focus of the ex-girlfriend's anger since she thinks I am the one keeping him from her. Sorry if I get a little spirited here.
Jilly10340 Posted September 28, 2004 Posted September 28, 2004 I hate when the ex girlfriend feels as if you "stole him away" from her. As if he had no choice in the matter and you've got him caged up or something. I understand your irritation savethedrama
savethedrama4allama Posted September 28, 2004 Posted September 28, 2004 Yeah especially when they had been broken up already for almost a year and a half before I came along... LOL, what a nutcase she is. Thanks Jilly
bulldoggirl Posted September 28, 2004 Posted September 28, 2004 Originally posted by SoReady It sounds like your girlfriend just wants a lot of attention. That's not a bad thing though. Definitely do not break up with her (unless you feel like you really need to) because I'm sure that would really hurt her. I don't think he should stay with her just to prevent hurting her! Vic, you need to do what's best for you...I completely understand that you don't want to hurt her, but I'd definatly have another talk with her & let her know that she needs to chill out, or you will have to break it off. I dated an older guy when I was in high school and he was alot like your girlfriend....wanted to be with me all the time, wanted to pick me up from school, called alot, etc....I'm a very independent person, so that drove me insane and I had to end the relationship. It was VERY hard when I broke it off, because I hate hurting people, but just a few months later I was so glad that I did. I'm now married to a great guy & to think that I could've ended up marrying that old bf just makes my stomach turn. Good luck!
faux Posted September 28, 2004 Posted September 28, 2004 I have been involved with these types before, and unfortunately, these types usually seem to be fairly problematic. She may have very deep self-esteem issues that are not just going to "go away" any time soon. Tell her exactly how you feel; that you feel you have absolutely no time to yourself, that your school work is suffering, and that you simply are not able to feel content and happy at this point in the relationship, and especially not if her behavior continues. She needs to know that you are your own person, and that you deserve to have some alone time as well. She has to realize that you are not always going to be able to see her, or be there to pick up your telephone, and she has to be prepared to deal with these things without bursting into tears and feeling horrible about herself. If you want time alone, then take that time alone. Don't answer your phone if that is how you can get away for a few hours. If you want to stay in and eat dinner with the family, watch a movie, read a book then fall asleep early, do not let her interfere. If she truly cares about you, she should understand that a person needs to have some time alone! I recommend being blunt with her. If she does not fully understand what you are getting at, things will just keep repeating until you finally leave the relationship, or she gets tired of you in the future. I think it is a very good idea for you to do everything to maintain your independence now. I have, in the past, fallen into situations with women such as this, where I would "give in" and spend every waking moment talking to them, or spending time with them. They eventually got bored of me, and transitioning out of the relationship, and dealing with having been broken up with, was so much more difficult. The behavior of your girlfriend really does seem problematic. Keep your independence and alone time sacred, and do not let her, or anyone else interfere in that. If she cannot understand or accept this, I am afraid that a relationship with her may not work out. This is obviously an important issue to you, and I am sure it would be to anyone else. In this situation, I think you should put yourself first, and make sure that you get enough breathing room to be happy and productive in your life, and in your relationship.
Mr Spock Posted September 28, 2004 Posted September 28, 2004 I think that you need to be TOTALLY honest with her, as withdrawing will only intensify her behaviour and make her go nuts. Tell her she's too clingy. Set down rules, like we'll see each other the day after tomorrow, but tonight I'm busy. Be gentle....it's obviously something she can't help doing.
Vic Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 Thank you all for your help, i'm pretty sure she doesn't have a disorder and i think she just really likes me and is afraid i'll break up with her since she asks me if i like her quite often. I think i will try to do what Jill said and stop giving in when she acts like that because i think that's why she keeps doing it.. because it works. In any case, i will try to get my point across and if it doesn't work i guess i'll have to break up with her.
applechic26 Posted October 18, 2004 Posted October 18, 2004 Wow, its amazing to hear this story right now. I hope we can talk. I, am just like your girlfriend. My problem is that I don't think I trust my boyfriend, therefore I am wanting to be with him all the time. From my perspective, me and your girlfriend sound very much alike. Please don't break up with her unless you truly don't love her anymore. This is something that can easily be fixed by giving her some reassurance that you do in fact care and love her very much but it hurts you that you have no time alone. That's what my beau said to me. Trust me, it may be hard for her at first.....its killing me right now. If you'd like to chat about it I think we can possibly help each other. You can help me take a step back from my man and I can help you see how she's feeling and maybe help you help her take a step back from you. You can email me at [email protected]
Jimmy56 Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 My girlfriend is like this too she never wantsme to do anything away from her and sure she gets mad when I don't be with her at times but I don't think its as bad as your case. At the end of the day I want to be with her a lot anyway, and I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her eventhough she is like this. So it really depends on how you look at the sitiaution its not also a bad thing and could well be an indicataion of the love she has for you. I know it is with my gf. Jimmy
Starnette83 Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 i think your gf is just insecure because of what happened in her last realtionship, if u really care about her u need to be understanding and not just shut her out..do u tell her u love her? do u show her u care? maybe she senses ure indifference, if u truly dont wanna be with her, dont waste her time and just break up.... but if u do care, show her u care but also tell her that doesnt mean u have to spend every waking moment totgether..goodluck!
ella Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 Give her a little bit of her own medicine.... Stalk her, send her flowers, surprise her with little details, exagerate your love expressions, give her more of what she wants--- Who knows! Human beings react to stimuli-- you are trying to pull away and she wants you close. So, give her a different stimuli: try to get closer, closer, and perhaps she will start pulling away and give you some space. It would be a good experiment and it follows the principle of what we have we don't want and what we don't have we want or we like someone who doesn't like us and when they like us we don't like them anymore.... We humans are very weird creatures and sometimes talking and trying to be logic doesn't work... Let me know if you try this...
ellabella Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 Give her a little bit of her own medicine.... Stalk her, send her flowers, surprise her with little details, exagerate your love expressions, give her more of what she wants--- Who knows! Human beings react to stimuli-- you are trying to pull away and she wants you close. So, give her a different stimuli: try to get closer, closer, and perhaps she will start pulling away and give you some space. It would be a good experiment and it follows the principle of what we have we don't want and what we don't have we want or we like someone who doesn't like us and when they like us we don't like them anymore.... We humans are very weird creatures and sometimes talking and trying to be logic doesn't work... Let me know if you try this...
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