Final chapter to an unhapppy story

[bob the brave]

They didn't have loser categroy so I'll just put my question here.

 

Sorry, one of thos lengthy ones, but I will shorten as much as possilbe.

 

I need advice on closure for myself. I have had heartbreak with a girl at work and I will finally now being leaving. She and another guy hurt me a lot, made work very unpleasent. She knows this and I know it bothered her, but I haven't spoken to her in a year although we work not 20 feet from each other.

 

IF YOU KNOW THE STORY YOU CAN SKIP DOWN TO CONTINUE

 

ME: Collge educated, good physical shape. Average looks. Of course I picture myself the good guy, but I think most would agree. I truly care for and respect others.

 

HER: Wonderful girl in many ways. Great sense of humor. Attractive. But likes to drink, smoke, DWI and 3 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I think out of wedlock.

 

PLAYER: Married with 2 small daughters. No education or skils. Has a paper route at 34 yrs of age. Drinks excessively, smokes, vulgar humor. Cheats on his wife with craigslist hookups, gang-bang orgies and happy ending masssage parlors. He gambles all night and lies to his wife about. He shoots his dogs with a BB gun just for fun.

 

She first came to me as we got along great at work. I am very positive, funny and caring with other people. Then we went out after work to a bar. I was lame. The player ran the show and I was totally out of place. I don't frequent bars and this was his second home. She found me lame in this case and I guess that closed the deal for her.

 

At work she then declined my interest after asking my height by literally running to the player, making short jokes (5'9" she is 5'7" and player is 5'10"), saying I couldn't help the way I was born and both of them made fun of the fact that I like her.

 

I let it go. Was still nice to both, but refrained from any further social events with them.

 

Then, after they hooked up, P came to me, got up in my face real insulting like and said, "I ****** her and there is nothing you can do about it." I blew it off and continued on.

 

For months after, she politely avoided me and I her, while she and P where best buddies. But I know from what other girls had told me that the fact we didn't joke any more did bother her.

 

Anyway, one day she bursts into my office, saying this guy is a zero and wanting to know if I still cared for her? She really is serious. I know now that I love her and should have reacted differently, but I felt her previous actions revealed a very selfish character void of integrity, morals or compasion. I thought she must be no different than P. So, I simply said no. She seemed very hurt, like I had really let her down.

 

We continued to be cordial and friendly, but distant. Then one day P braiged agian about his conquest with her and something just snapped. It wasn't jelousy. I realized I loved her and my heart just broke. I stopped speaking to or even acknowledging either one completely. This was perhaps immature and surprized both of them. But I was disrespeced and in pain. I just had to distance myself. It was also a way of protesting against their actions.

 

She then met a new guy outside the company and got married 5 months later. Five months after that she became pregnant. I sat with them at our boss's daughter's bat mitzva. This is the first time I had seen her husband. He is tall, 6'1-6'2". Average looks and pretty boring. Complete opposite of the player.

 

CONTINUE

 

Basically, my heart is broken. There is something uniquely, intensely painful about losing someone forever. Especially losing them to someone else. I know she was conflicted with her actions regarding the player. I now believe she had come to me wanting to end the partying and came to me for help. But at the time, I was hurt and there was no way to no this.

 

Problem is this. I need closure for myself. I loved this girl and it was intensely painful for me. She dosen't know what the player said to me, nor why I told her I didn't care and stopped talking to her. I don't want to interfere in her life, nor disrepect her, but I want her to know.

 

Should I talk to her about this before I leave just so she knows? Is there a way to say this without sounding creepy?

Edited May 15, 2013 by bob the brave

[TaintedPixie]

If it were me, I would walk away from this. You need to ask yourself, "What good can come from telling her anything?". She has moved on and sadly, you need to as well. I am sure once you have left the company, and not in her presence so much you will be able to heal.

 

Stay strong

[Treasa]

Sorry, why and when were you "in love" with her? Before or after she made fun of you?

 

Why would you even want to be with someone like this? She doesn't exactly sound like a prize.

[BoneyHadger]

HER: Wonderful girl in many ways.

 

And those ways would be...?

[christine_b]

walking away would be best. sorry to hear you had this hurtful experience

[bob the brave]

And those ways would be...?

 

She can be very affectionate and kind. She has great interpersonal skills and a fantastic sense of humor, very low maintenance and inner strength. If is wasn't for the fact that she was a selfish whore, she would have been my soul mate.

 

I just hate it when people purposely, selfishly hurt others and just do bad things and nobody says or does anything. We just look away or forgive it only because we fear we will do the same or we just don't want to cause trouble.

 

She has a family now. But so does the player and I know it is a mess. Social Services has his number on fast dial. She thinks I am a jerk, just a mean jealous guy. I feel this just reinforces her view that everyone is just selfish. I want her to know why I did what I did. To see the player (and her choice in friends) for what he is, to see her actions from another's point of view may help her to be a better wife and mother. She does have a heart, she does want to be a better person. I have seen it.

[BoneyHadger]

She can be very affectionate and kind.

Maybe. But apparently not for you.

 

She has great interpersonal skills and a fantastic sense of humor

Proved by making fun of your height...

 

inner strength.

Proved by running back to you, the guy she made fun of and found lame, right after it didn't work out with a player.

[todreaminblue]

someone who is compassionate and kind wouldnt make fun of you, i dont think it is very kind or compassionate to do so,I feel for you , she doesnt sound very nice at all, how she treated you was not nice......its easy to be nice to people when you want what they have to offer, it is easy to treat them well, to be truly nice compassionate and kind, you have to be nice when there is nothing that you gain.........you are nice when that person isnt around and when that person has no idea what you are doing or will ever likely find out.stealth appreciation and respect...that's nice.......thats having great interpersonal skills..fostering positivity in others.....

 

this girl was not right for you, and she is not your concern now........you dont have to defend her in your own mind..you can let her go..she treated you badly....and now you are free to find someone who wont treat you badly...i wish you well..and may you find the woman who treats you how you deserve to be treated..deb

[thefooloftheyear]

I read these threads all the time and if I assume the stories are true...

 

Why the heck does logic/intellect fall behind emotion? This is so obvious..This woman is a pile of ****..If you are a decent guy you will be glad she is off your back. And you call the other guy a "player"? Why, because he can attract the interest of a shallow, dopey woman?

 

They deserve each other...

 

She has tits and a vagina ...Whoop de doo.. Let me fill you in on a secret..They ALL do!!

 

Carry on...

 

TFY

[Mrlonelyone]

Dude I am notorious for hanging in there in situations which, as I describe only the bad aspects of them on the board, others would run away from.

 

I am telling you to just walk away from this woman. She sounds like she really isn't a great catch. She spent her time banging a real looser who, thank God, she didn't get pregnant by this time.

 

 

Then she found and married a tall but as you put it "boring" guy... a nice guy. Meanwhile you have been pining over this woman who is just no good at all.

 

 

If you had some sex with her yourself at some point that would make a difference. That would mean there was, at one time, something real and mutual there. Right now it sounds like she knew you cared, and gained amusement from torturing you. Her husband just got to be attached for life to someone who will eventually show him her true colors and hurt him really bad.

 

Short answer: walk away and learn to be thankful you did not "win" such a woman.

[bob the brave]

Short answer: walk away and learn to be thankful you did not "win" such a woman.

 

They deserve each other...

 

She has tits and a vagina ...Whoop de doo.. Let me fill you in on a secret..They ALL do!!

 

Carry on...

 

This is no longer about her or me. It is about integrity, about people learning to act responsibly. Let me give a brief example:

 

At the last company Christmas party, the player introduces his new 'love' to everyone at the table. The girl I liked and he banged, pulled up a chair for this girl to sit next to her and hugged her like a sister. Everyone knows the guy is married and no one cares! This is a CHRISTmas party! (I am not religious btw, just see the hipcroacy) They were all happy for him like they were newly weds. I was the only one who knew this was a trophy and would be gone at the first sign of tarnish. I actually got up, wished everyone a Merry Christmas and left. Apparently, the party really heated up after that and I missed a good time. Was that my fault? What do you think?

 

She was a nice, shy, unassuming woman. For weeks prior to that he showed everyone cell phone pictures and gifts she had got him. Everyone even my boss was happy, giving him an atta boy. I asked him, "So have you introduced her to your wife yet?" His face got red and he said under his breath, "I have an arrangement were I can see other women." He didn't say WE have an open marriage or WE have an arrangement. He said I have an arrangement. I wonder if his wife knows about it. That new love has now long since disappeared into the rear view mirror. I imagine her heart was broken.

 

I usually am pretty good counceling people. I knew this girl was making a mistake and I should have helped her when she came to me. But this time I was caught up in the frey. I was hurt and couldn't think objectively myself. Now I can.

 

The problem is the player still struts around like a manly stud with his gelled hair, ear ring and cool dude walk, completely void of well almost everything. She looks to have married a meal ticket she could manipulate, as you said a good guy. They both know they do bad things. I can tell by their body language and the way they try to hide or minize attention to certain actions. They don't want to take the high road, the hard road that leads to true happiness. They keep grasping at prizes and trying drown their emptiness in sex and liquor.

 

I thnk at the time she came to me, I was her fix it guy to suck up the pain brought by the player. A sure thing. I think telling her no (she is very attractive and used to guys hitting on her) shocked her into some realization. I think it may have been some of the reason she got married only 5 months later. She now is like a soccer mom, completely different.

 

I want to tell her this, so she will understand, see the bigger picture. I posted a few times about whether or not I should kick the player's ***. His macho image is all he has. I thought taking it from him and leaving a few black eyes he would have to explain to coworkers and his wife my help him to change his ways. I was advised against it here and by others at work.

 

So, I want to tell her for the benefit of all, her, her husband, her children, the player and me. It's easy to say it's no longer my problem. But it's not about winning or losing. I feel to simply move on and leave things unspoken is a loss to humanity. People should be told when we do wrong, counceled and corrected so we can improve.

Edited May 16, 2013 by bob the brave

[Mrlonelyone]

Bob we all understand how you feel.

 

The thing is how is you saying something going to change her? You can't. Don't be a white knight, be Rehtt Butler and just stop giving a damn