serial muse Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Well I'm sorry everyone. I broke.... I expect heavy criticism. I took the encouragement and the words of advice given and ignored them. I met up with her last night. We didn't talk for an hour, as I was upset at her for obvious reasons, and she was upset I kicked her out. As soon as I brought up this issue she got angry. She said she would take me if he invited me. But I had the same arguement with her again. She put out the same old excuses "theres been no time to meet him, I am always with you" . I don't make her spend time with me. It was just a ploy to turn the arguement around. When I started telling her how upset I was, and demonstrating the many times we have discussed this and how it has bothered me for 2 years. She said she understood my arguement and that she disagrees, then said she is sick of it and we should break up for good. ...... I felt suddenly helpless, and I cried, and sobbed uncontrollably. I begged for us to find a solution. I even apologised for causing problems. I was pitiful. I ended up staying at her place, and things were suddenly normal again. In the morning she was begging me not to leave. I woke up early with my heart pounding because I knew she was still going tonight. I then mentioned as I was leaving in the morning if she had a present for the party (since she had no money left this week). She said no. Then immediately said I think we should take a break. I had crossed the line and annoyed her about the topic again. How dare I. I realised that everytime I have brought up this situation over 2 years she has threatened to dump me over it, and I have backed down. I felt myself starting to crumble again. Then I picked myself up and told her off for doing it. She said she was going to come stay with me tonight after the party and treat our relationship in an adult way. I don't expect her to come... If she comes I'm sure I have another post or two in me coming. It was a bad move to meet up with her and I am sorry for that. Hey, OP - I agree with the above poster who said don't worry about apologizing to people on LS; it's more about apologizing to yourself for letting you down. We've all been there. Just try to remember that you don't have to accept something that consistently makes you unhappy - that is a choice. Anyway, the bday party night came and went - hope you come back to update us. I'm sure it was a rough weekend for you, either way.
Chief Wiggum Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 (edited) I'm just gonna' lay it to you straight, brah. Here's what she's thinking: "What a friggin' loser! He dumps me, and I still manage to make him take me back so I can dump HIM! Lmao! And he actually expects me to respect his feelings and the concerns he's had over the last 2 years? Pfft, fat chance. I'm going to this party without him whether he likes it or not. Hopefully I might be able to hook up with this cute friend of mine, but if not, it's ok - because I still have my weak-ass boyfriend at home who'll be there no matter how crappy I treat him. Until I find me a man who I'm really in to and want to show off to my friends and everyone, he'll do. Better than nothing, right?" Tut tut, she's playing you for a fool. Now, you can do one of two things here: 1. Stay with her and forever continue thinking she's being untrue to you, before eventually being officially shat on when she dumps you after finding someone else. 2. Or you can wake and up and realise you're on borrowed time, end her before she ends you, and move on with your life to find someone who will treat you like a real girlfriend should. Edited May 20, 2013 by Chief Wiggum 1
Author thetroublewithme Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 Thanks guys. Not too much has changed I guess, and that isn't a good thing.
Calvin's wagon Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Hi:) Glad to hear from you! 1. Have how you been feeling? 2. Have you been doing (or trying to do) stuff to keep you occupied, that make you happy (like going to run, hang out with friends, play videogames,...)? 3. What are your plans about the situation? 4. Have you considered starting to read that book that I recommend to you? Best wishes!
serial muse Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Thanks guys. Not too much has changed I guess, and that isn't a good thing. So what happened that night??
Author thetroublewithme Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 (edited) Calvin: No I haven't read that book yet. I couldn't find it actually, only a shortened version of it. I have been feeling upset and angry. He had posted something on her facebook about a concert we had been intending to go to. She hid it on her Facebook, and only unhid it after I saw it while I was sitting next to her.All I know is once I said something, it miraculously appeared for me to view 5 minutes later. Note: I actual saw that she had gone into the settings and done this. When I questioned her she denied it. I don't know if she hid it because she didn't want another argument about this guy or what. Instead of having a negative conversation about it I decided to positively insist that to ensure we do not have the same problems again with this friend that we do something together soon. I said because he wanted to go to this concert too, how about we all go together. So now the three of us will be going to a concert together in just over 2 months. That night... I have asked her many questions about what she did, who she spent her time with. She the bday boy was all over the place, his friend that liked her and doesn't talk to her anymore only spoke to her briefly. She said the party was divided into groups and she spent the time talking to a couple most of the night. She came to see me after. Got to my place about 1am. The place she came from was about an hour away. On reflection over the last few days, I am still upset and angry. I didn't mention that I had seen the invite and it basically said "bring a +1 if you like". I really want to mention this to her and ask why she lied to me about not being invited. But at the same time I know it would be starting a fight. I asked her straight out, if he had invited me would you have taken me and she said yes. Perhaps she didn't view the +1 as matching that criteria. I want honesty in our relationship, and I don't trust her anymore. When I say that I don't mean trust not to cheat, I mean trust her not hide things from me. I feel like she is ashamed to be my boyfriend. Well I asked her a lot of questions about Edited May 22, 2013 by thetroublewithme
hppr Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 I really want to mention this to her and ask why she lied to me about not being invited. Pfft don't bother. She'll call you up eventually because you're the best she can get and she knows it. I wouldn't want her back though unless you are desperate for sex in which case she is bootycall material only. Don't let her back into your life unless you are fine with her hiding things and generally calling the shots. 2
hppr Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Instead of having a negative conversation about it I decided to positively insist that to ensure we do not have the same problems again with this friend that we do something together soon. I said because he wanted to go to this concert too, how about we all go together. So now the three of us will be going to a concert together in just over 2 months. This reads like a woman who is accommodating a no-good, cheating husband's wishes. I was the same way when I was younger, I always figured that I couldn't get a better woman than one who was like you described so that was my life. It sucked. Eventually I grew a backbone but it took awhile. 1
Keke1 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 This reads like a woman who is accommodating a no-good, cheating husband's wishes. I was the same way when I was younger, I always figured that I couldn't get a better woman than one who was like you described so that was my life. It sucked. Eventually I grew a backbone but it took awhile. Me2 lol. Stayed in a relationship with a sneaky liar just like this. It just gets worse. Its going to wreck you OP please leave now. You wont regret it man im telling you.
Calvin's wagon Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Hi, Calvin: No I haven't read that book yet. I couldn't find it actually, only a shortened version of it. Type (including quotation marks) "no more mr nice guy glover pdf" into Google, click the first link (7chan.org)! On reflection over the last few days, I am still upset and angry. I didn't mention that I had seen the invite and it basically said "bring a +1 if you like". I really want to mention this to her and ask why she lied to me about not being invited. But at the same time I know it would be starting a fight. I asked her straight out, if he had invited me would you have taken me and she said yes. Perhaps she didn't view the +1 as matching that criteria. Another proof that she has been lying to you, didn't want you to come to the party and interfere with her "alone time" with her "friend(s)". I want honesty in our relationship, and I don't trust her anymore. When I say that I don't mean trust not to cheat, I mean trust her not hide things from me. I feel like she is ashamed to be my boyfriend. In my experience and opinion, the moment the trust is gone in the relationship, I would walk away. I had my ex-gf lie and betray my trust about so many things, and I made the mistake of sticking around, trying to fix things. It only made things worse, and it really messed me up. I should have walked away the moment the trust was gone, and I hope you do too. (now, if you had kids, or would have been married for many years etc., I'd perhaps think differently, but this is a perfect opportunity to leave this toxic relationship in the past!). And one more thing - from what you've written, I would be suspicious that she's not introducing me because she'd be ashamed of me, but because she's cheating on me or wants to keep on flirting/keeping her options open with other guys. I'm sorry to say this, and I hope I'm wrong... // Again, I'm really proud of you for not sticking your head into the sand, but are thinking about this, fighting for yourself, that you're here talking to us, seeking help. A big part of you knows your relationship with her is toxic and a big part of you wants to protect you from being further hurt by her, that's why you're her! I hope you will let yourself protect yourself! Best wishes!
Chief Wiggum Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 I didn't mention that I had seen the invite and it basically said "bring a +1 if you like". ^^ Lol! The evidence before you is overwhelming. You know she can't be trusted. You know she lies to you. You know she's not treating you as the boyfriend she desires. And most importantly, you KNOW she's not good for you. Yet the thought of losing her and being on your own is too difficult to face. So much so, that you're willing to continue torturing yourself in a relationship with ZERO potential.
MsSmurf Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Instead of having a negative conversation about it I decided to positively insist that to ensure we do not have the same problems again with this friend that we do something together soon. I said because he wanted to go to this concert too, how about we all go together. So now the three of us will be going to a concert together in just over 2 months. Interesting how the only opportunity she's agreed to introduce the two of you is so far away. My guess is this get together will never happen because she'll either claim he's busy or she'll just refuse to bring you along. At this point all you have is her word saying it's cool if the three of you go, you don't know that she actually mentioned it to him and he agreed. On reflection over the last few days, I am still upset and angry. I didn't mention that I had seen the invite and it basically said "bring a +1 if you like". I really want to mention this to her and ask why she lied to me about not being invited. But at the same time I know it would be starting a fight. I asked her straight out, if he had invited me would you have taken me and she said yes. Perhaps she didn't view the +1 as matching that criteria. There is no other way to interpret this. It very clearly states that there are no limits on the +1 an invited guest can bring. She could have brought you, a gal pal, her mom, or a coworker and that person would have been welcomed. If she really didn't get that meant SO's she could have contacted the host and asked for clarification. I want honesty in our relationship, and I don't trust her anymore. When I say that I don't mean trust not to cheat, I mean trust her not hide things from me. I feel like she is ashamed to be my boyfriend. Perhaps she is and if so that is never going to change. Regardless nothing has changed here. She has done nothing to reassure you or improve your relationship and she has made it clear she isn't going to because she disagrees with your opinion. What you're doing now is just a waste of time and making your own emotional state worse. 1
serial muse Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 I have been feeling upset and angry. He had posted something on her facebook about a concert we had been intending to go to. She hid it on her Facebook, and only unhid it after I saw it while I was sitting next to her.All I know is once I said something, it miraculously appeared for me to view 5 minutes later. Note: I actual saw that she had gone into the settings and done this. When I questioned her she denied it. I don't know if she hid it because she didn't want another argument about this guy or what. Oh dear. OP, I understand that this has shaken you up, but honestly it sounds like it was inevitable. I went back to read your earlier posts, and she's been hiding him all along...in fact, you said she cut off communication with him for your sake, but I'd venture to guess that never happened, or at least didn't last very long. She just didn't keep you in the loop. The fact that he said to bring a +1 is pretty damning, IMO. THere's no ambiguous way to interpret that; you were invited, and she chose not to bring you. It was all her, not him. To me, that suggests that this isn't about his wishes at all; she has been deciding all along that she doesn't want you to meet him. I agree with the poster who said that this concert isn't likely to happen, either. She clearly didn't want you to know about it in the first place. I'm sorry. I know you don't want to break up - that's clear - and you don't want to precipitate another fight. But hiding from this isn't going to make you happy either. What's going on here is really not OK. Just take some time to think about the kind of relationship you really want to have. 1
candie13 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 as you put it so clearly, you're upset and angry. You're hurt. Love isn't supposed to be this difficult... I understand you have a very very difficult time letting go of this relationship, since it went on for so long, so I suggest you just... give yourself a break. Some time off to think, to heal... like a detox session. It'y not your fault that she acts this way, she is plain weird. To me, it actually sounds like she is holding a strong torch for this "friend". I mean, look at facts, at how much trouble she's going into, to hide things from you, to keep the two of you away while not really letting her "friend" go. It's not healthy. Love isn't supposed to be like this, it's not supposed to be this complicated, it's not supposed to hurt that much... take your time to think about it. I mean it, take some time away, some weekends by yourself or with your mates... cheers 1
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