Why won't she introduce me?

May 16, 2013

I don't know what .... means

May 16, 2013

Her intentions most definitely are not good. I'm gonna' copy and paste what I wrote in your other thread (a thread which told us more about her history....

Honestly, going by what you've said in the opening post, she's really not worth the hassle. If you can't trust her now -- I mean, who f***in' would! -- then you never will. Like you've already said, do you really wanna' be in a relationship like that 10 years down the line when you have kids, etc?

You're getting second thoughts, but that's very normal. Don't make the mistake in letting her back. Even if she doesn't go to this party, there is enough evidence above to suggest that 3 or 4 months down the line you will again be having this same issue. The fact that she -- your girlfriend! -- has had hidden male friends that she's kept away from you, is massive no-no.

And, sorry to sound like a prick here (because this will sound harsh), but it's possible that, somewhere deep down, she's only still with you because she feels she hasn't met anyone better for herself. That could be why she always has these male friends that she's kept away from you. While she's got you secured as her current boyfriend, she's probably still on the market looking for an improved one. That sounds cruel, I know, but a lot of partners do that. They can appear as though they're all into you and in love, but deep down they harbour these feelings and can at some point act on them. That's what could be happening with this old friend. They have a history -- a history that's stronger than she's let on -- and he could well be that guy who she feels is an improvement on you.

Sorry, man, just had to throw that possibility out there.

May 16, 2013

I wasn't mentioned as not being invited. I just wasn't invited. She said it would be rude for me to come because he doesn't know me.

Being a boyfriend of 2 years isn't enough I guess. What annoys me right now is that she is angry at me. I am the one making a problem out of this.

I'm wondering if she isn't bringing you along to keep her guy friend in check. I've been in her shoes having a boyfriend and close guy friends, its a hard balance. Sometimes guy friends start acting crazy and all of a sudden they pop up and say they're into when you're serious about someone else. Maybe she used to have feelings for him and doesn't now, maybe she never had that strong of feelings for him and still doesn't, it really doesn't matter.

She's with you, she's at your house all the time, she's talking about moving your relationship forward, and she has significantly reduced her communication with this guy out of respect for you, and the fact that you know about this guy at all means that she isn't hiding him from you. If she was hiding him you'd have no clue he existed and there would be nothing on facebook.

So perhaps this guy friend already hates you even though he doesn't know you, is carrying a torch for her, and would start something if you showed up at his house uninvited and your gf just doesn't want any drama. It is rude to just bring someone the hosts don't know to an event they're hosting without their express permission. Now she could ask to bring you, but maybe she just wants to drop by wish him a happy birthday, chat with his family (she already does that so it would be weird if she didn't now), greet any other friends, and then leave to hang with you without risking this guy making a fool of himself.

Do you really want to hang out with this guy anyway? I sure as hell wouldn't want to hang out with someone who was carrying a torch for someone I was into and was just waiting for me to screw up so they could make a move. I think your best bet is to keep the lines of communication open with her about him. If you start acting like a jealous bf and demand she cut him and his family off completely you'll drive her straight into his arms which is exactly what this guy wants.

If getting to know him is important to you than you can still indicate your openness to that without seeming jealous. You and your gf must have friends that you hang out with right? Ok so when you guys are putting together a casual gathering suggest she invite him. She'll probably say no, but at least you're giving her the message that you're ok with him being around when the 2 of you are together.

May 16, 2013

Smurf. I've been through this all already. She maintains contact through Facebook. She isn't just dropping by, she is taking the whole night off work so she can spend the whole night there.

I have never said do not see the friend. I have tried to make opportunities to get together. All shot down.

She is with me, she is talking about the future, but at the same time there is always that guy on Facebook who she has to check and see what he is doing every day. So it makes it right to just drop me whenever its his birthday for the rest of my life? No...

May 16, 2013

This contest won't even need to go beyond the second round if you stick by your guns and KO the whole thing.

May 16, 2013

I wasn't mentioned as not being invited. I just wasn't invited. She said it would be rude for me to come because he doesn't know me.

Oh horse****. Girls who really like you will want to take you places with them, they will want to show you off to their friends etc. Especially life-long friends. Now that can cause friction too but this is just weird, her hiding this guy, telling you to SHUT UP and STAY HOME like a GOOD BOY I wouldn't have any of that.

May 16, 2013

I wasn't mentioned as not being invited. I just wasn't invited. She said it would be rude for me to come because he doesn't know me.

What BS. He doesn't know you because she refused to introduce you for two years!

Edited to add: It's not surprising that she would use the "you're being controlling" defense here; pretty predictable actually.

If you still want to talk to her about it (your choice) I would suggest that the best defense is a good offense. In other words, brush away the "controlling" charge for the nonsense it is and say instead, "I feel like you're jerking me around here, and have been for years when it comes to this guy. The reason he doesn't know me is because you have consistently refused to introduce us. I've been patient with all of this, but now I've had enough."

And then follow through.

Edited May 16, 2013 by serial muse

May 16, 2013

If anyone invites me anywhere, it is automatically inviting my SO along also. Unless it's strictly a guys/girls night out, then that's different.

May 16, 2013

If anyone invites me anywhere, it is automatically inviting my SO along also. Unless it's strictly a guys/girls night out, then that's different.

Yup.

Clearly she's backing off the friend because she can't have both and he won't have her.

May 16, 2013

I read this thread. What your girlfriend is doing is wrong. And whether or not your gf's feelings for her best friend are romantic is actually besides the point.

A big part of honouring a serious relationship is RESPECT. Respect includes not physically cheating but it also includes not doing anything that makes it look like you are putting someone else before your partner. Having this secret relationship with this other guy where you are not included at all? No bueno. There is nothing romantic between them? Hahaha yeah right but even still, it doesn't matter. Your girlfriend is putting someone else ahead of you.

Since your girlfriend is either unable or unwilling to get this, I'd be devising an exit strategy if I were you.

May 16, 2013

Smurf. I've been through this all already. She maintains contact through Facebook. She isn't just dropping by, she is taking the whole night off work so she can spend the whole night there.

This is understandably upsetting and I see nothing wrong with you expressing that to her, otherwise she'll just play the "oh I didn't think you'd care" card. At the same time forcing her to bring you is going to lead to the "you're just jealous" card. Neither get you anywhere.

I have never said do not see the friend. I have tried to make opportunities to get together. All shot down.

And again I'm not surprised that she shot down those suggestions. I still wonder if some of that has to do with how she expects the guy friend to react to your presence. I'm not saying that should continue to be an acceptable excuse for all of eternity, but it does make me wonder.

She is with me, she is talking about the future, but at the same time there is always that guy on Facebook who she has to check and see what he is doing every day. So it makes it right to just drop me whenever its his birthday for the rest of my life? No...

I'm not saying that an invitation to the guy friends birthday should not have been extended to you. Sometimes hosts automatically do that or the invited guest (in this case your girlfriend) would ask the host if their significant other may attend as well.

If you're concerned that on this guy friends future birthdays you will still be excluded (or whatever other event you were picturing) and you want to stay in this relationship, then that is what you need to discuss with your girlfriend. Explain to her that it concerns you that important people in her life (such as this guy and his family) aren't aware of the seriousness of your relationship. Explain that you had hoped that after such a long commitment to each other that important people just automatically included the other because you 2 are viewed as a package. Its certainly necessary for people to view you that way once you get married and the fact that you 2 are considering moving in together is a step toward that.

You've said she's a little naive so maybe you do need to literally spell out your feelings on the matter because maybe her interpretation is just that you're jealous and overreacting when its more than that. I'm not sure what you're actually saying when you've tried bringing this up with her but if you're stating that you're angry, ticked off, or something similar then she'll just shut down and stop listening. I'm not suggesting you don't have a right to feel that way, but if you want to have an actual discussion and hopefully make some progress on this matter you need to set the tone for a more rational conversation. If she isn't willing to try harder to see your point of view and make some adjustments so that your relationship can continue to grow then you'll have to decide if you really want to stay in this relationship.

May 17, 2013

What BS. He doesn't know you because she refused to introduce you for two years!

Edited to add: It's not surprising that she would use the "you're being controlling" defense here; pretty predictable actually.

If you still want to talk to her about it (your choice) I would suggest that the best defense is a good offense. In other words, brush away the "controlling" charge for the nonsense it is and say instead, "I feel like you're jerking me around here, and have been for years when it comes to this guy. The reason he doesn't know me is because you have consistently refused to introduce us. I've been patient with all of this, but now I've had enough."

And then follow through.

This ^^^^^^^

May 17, 2013

Wow. This is actually encouraging me to call her. I just tried actually and it went straight to voice mail so I just hung up.

I guess I've kind of already said those words and just got told I was wrong.

I threw up today just from this whole situation. The thought that she is out searching for a present for this guy. I want to call her up and somehow talk her into me going, or her not going.

May 17, 2013

I am certain her intentions are good and I am certain that she doesn't have feelings for him. Perhaps she is embarrassed about what I would think about him, I don't know.

But it is disrespectful and downright absurd. I just need to make sure that there isn't something I am missing.

Take your blinders off man. Time to look around

May 17, 2013

Moderation note - See also:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/393520-i-just-broke-up-my-girlfriend-10-minutes-ago

I have been with my girlfriend for 2 years. In two years she has introduced me to most of her friends (guys and girls), apart from ones that don't live nearby.

However, there is one guy that she used to call her one of best friends when we started dating, he is even listed as her brother on facebook (no other friends are). They actually dated when they were 16, although and she assured me when we first started dating nothing sexual occurred, and on reflection the whole thought of ever dating him makes her want to vomit(hence the brother designation).

When we started dating she would also contact him for advice, meet up on occasion. That all faded away after a few months of us dating. She has only seen him once since, at a mutual friends birthday (which I wasn't invited to). She has never introduced me to him.

You may be thinking, so what's the problem, it happens with girls and guy friends once they get a boyfriend. She has always maintained contact via facebook. Regulary liking and commenting on his statuses, enlarging any picture he puts up. She is friends with his whole family and obsesses over them on Facebook (she does not do this over anyone else). The thing is she will never do this when I am in the room, and I have noticed that she will scroll quickly by if she sees me looking and then go back when I walk out of the room. When I have brought this up she has called me crazy. I am certain she is not cheating, she barely even talks to him, I just don't get her need to hide him from me. They don't talk on the phone or text message.

I have tried bringing up me meeting him over the 2 years. She has always got defensive and called me jealous, or said he is busy, she is busy. Always a different excuse, but she assures me that one day I will... He once every few months for the past 2 years puts a message on her wall inviting her to go on a weekend away with him and his buddies, or to a music gig. She always declines saying she is busy. A mutual girl friend asked me if I had met him, because my gf talks about him all the time. My gf never mentions his name to me, he doesn't exist to me. It makes me feel like I don't know my girlfriend.

I am writing this thread, because his birthday is coming up this weekend. I found out due to my computer being broken and I jumped on hers, went to facebook (was logged in on hers) and saw that she commented that she is going. I saw this because facebook sorts your better friends at the top, so guess who was at top. My gf hasn't mentioned it. I know she doesn't want me there or she would have said something. I haven't mentioned it to her too. If I do it just makes me look bad and makes a better case in her head for me not going. She works nights on the weekends, then goes to my house after, so I assume that she will just say she is dropping by a friends party, make it seem spur of the moment.

To be honest this situation has bothered me for 2 years. She is friends with all his friends (they are all guys and his family) and it has always bothered me. She is closer to his friends and his family than mine. She is talking about us moving in together next year (although she spends every night at my house now), I don't know If I want a future with a girl that keeps a part of her life a secret.

2 years is just about the right time you should know your girlfriend quite well. They always say honesty and integrity are what makes the relationship work so well. Without honesty and lack of integrity, I say those are valid red flags. To be honest with you, you could have done the choosing for her during the first few dates when going into exclusivity. When she asked you to be her boyfriend, you should have asked her if she has any lurking exes or male friends etc. If she said yes, then you need to be authentic then and put your foot down and say, you've got my number -- call me when you decide you want me. I've done that for the most part, they won't call back. 2 that did and promised no exes lied to me later. But you see, that's the best way to filter them.

I think the best approach is to just let it unfold and you need to be a little cautious and a successful relationship requires a transparent understanding between the two. Your heart is saying to you to be cautious. Be it.

Edited May 17, 2013 by happydate

May 17, 2013

Wow. This is actually encouraging me to call her. I just tried actually and it went straight to voice mail so I just hung up.

I guess I've kind of already said those words and just got told I was wrong.

I threw up today just from this whole situation. The thought that she is out searching for a present for this guy. I want to call her up and somehow talk her into me going, or her not going.

Noooooooooo she will resent you forever. You really are in a lose lose situation. Bail man. Jump ship. I know its not easy but please wake the F up. It's not okay for this to be happenning at all.

May 17, 2013

You know, reading through this thread, I don't think it's possible to give you the correct advice. We're only hearing one side of the story. At times you're portraying her as a person who values her relationship with you, and in the next post she comes across as the opposite. It's too hard to measure her feelings towards you.

May 17, 2013

Oh horse****. Girls who really like you will want to take you places with them, they will want to show you off to their friends etc. Especially life-long friends. Now that can cause friction too but this is just weird, her hiding this guy, telling you to SHUT UP and STAY HOME like a GOOD BOY I wouldn't have any of that.

yeah... i have to agree with that. i have no friends that i wouldn't introduce my boyfriend to.

May 17, 2013

Wow. This is actually encouraging me to call her. I just tried actually and it went straight to voice mail so I just hung up.

I guess I've kind of already said those words and just got told I was wrong.

I threw up today just from this whole situation. The thought that she is out searching for a present for this guy. I want to call her up and somehow talk her into me going, or her not going.

Wow, this is really going to eat at you. You're physically ill over it. I hope you get some kind of resolution soon. I don't think forcing her to invite you is the answer. As others have said, when you're in a healthy relationship, you are PROUD to have your SO at your side wherever you go. You WANT your friends to meet her, and vice versa. Something's way off here, and indeed we're not getting a consistent picture of her. The word "naive" bothers me, can you elaborate on that? It seems she's pretty hell bent and stubborn on this one issue, something that takes deliberate thought, so the naive part is throwing me. In any case, I hope you get some peace soon.

May 18, 2013

Well I'm sorry everyone. I broke.... I expect heavy criticism. I took the encouragement and the words of advice given and ignored them. I met up with her last night. We didn't talk for an hour, as I was upset at her for obvious reasons, and she was upset I kicked her out. As soon as I brought up this issue she got angry. She said she would take me if he invited me. But I had the same arguement with her again. She put out the same old excuses "theres been no time to meet him, I am always with you" . I don't make her spend time with me. It was just a ploy to turn the arguement around.

When I started telling her how upset I was, and demonstrating the many times we have discussed this and how it has bothered me for 2 years. She said she understood my arguement and that she disagrees, then said she is sick of it and we should break up for good.

...... I felt suddenly helpless, and I cried, and sobbed uncontrollably. I begged for us to find a solution. I even apologised for causing problems. I was pitiful.

I ended up staying at her place, and things were suddenly normal again. In the morning she was begging me not to leave. I woke up early with my heart pounding because I knew she was still going tonight. I then mentioned as I was leaving in the morning if she had a present for the party (since she had no money left this week). She said no. Then immediately said I think we should take a break. I had crossed the line and annoyed her about the topic again. How dare I.

I realised that everytime I have brought up this situation over 2 years she has threatened to dump me over it, and I have backed down. I felt myself starting to crumble again. Then I picked myself up and told her off for doing it. She said she was going to come stay with me tonight after the party and treat our relationship in an adult way. I don't expect her to come... If she comes I'm sure I have another post or two in me coming.

It was a bad move to meet up with her and I am sorry for that.

May 18, 2013

Well I'm sorry everyone. I broke.... I expect heavy criticism. I took the encouragement and the words of advice given and ignored them. I met up with her last night. We didn't talk for an hour, as I was upset at her for obvious reasons, and she was upset I kicked her out. As soon as I brought up this issue she got angry. She said she would take me if he invited me. But I had the same arguement with her again. She put out the same old excuses "theres been no time to meet him, I am always with you" . I don't make her spend time with me. It was just a ploy to turn the arguement around.

When I started telling her how upset I was, and demonstrating the many times we have discussed this and how it has bothered me for 2 years. She said she understood my arguement and that she disagrees, then said she is sick of it and we should break up for good.

...... I felt suddenly helpless, and I cried, and sobbed uncontrollably. I begged for us to find a solution. I even apologised for causing problems. I was pitiful.

I ended up staying at her place, and things were suddenly normal again. In the morning she was begging me not to leave. I woke up early with my heart pounding because I knew she was still going tonight. I then mentioned as I was leaving in the morning if she had a present for the party (since she had no money left this week). She said no. Then immediately said I think we should take a break. I had crossed the line and annoyed her about the topic again. How dare I.

I realised that everytime I have brought up this situation over 2 years she has threatened to dump me over it, and I have backed down. I felt myself starting to crumble again. Then I picked myself up and told her off for doing it. She said she was going to come stay with me tonight after the party and treat our relationship in an adult way. I don't expect her to come... If she comes I'm sure I have another post or two in me coming.

It was a bad move to meet up with her and I am sorry for that.

Well you did what you felt. You're wrong Imo for backing down. Right is Right man. Its a ploy she keeps using. I think she knows she has you mentally ****ed up a bit

May 18, 2013

Hi.

You needn't say sorry to everyone here, you should apologize to yourself for letting yourself get hurt, disrespected, manipulated, ... , by her over and over.

I don't mean to be harsh on you, I guess I was like you - I didn't listen to advice of other people until my ex hurt me more than anyone else ever did and left me so messed up I'm still not fully recovered. I guess I needed to really be hurt utterly for my thick&inexperienced head&heart to realize how horribly I let myself be treated. And I also needed individual counselling, psychology books (like "No more mr. Nice guy" - available online for pdf download) etc. to realize why I kept on enabling her and staying in the relationship - low self-esteem, etc. After I started working on that, I got better and I continue to get better.

So that's my advice. Go NC & start immediately to work on yourself, with the help of friends, therapy, people here & books.

But if you'll continue to be with her until you get it (like it took me for a long time, and luckily she dumped me for good eventually for someone else), I have this most important piece of advice - be really careful to not get her pregnant. Imagine having to be connected to someone for the rest of your life who has humiliated, disrespected, manipulated, ..., you!

Best of luck!

May 18, 2013

Moderation note - See also:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/393520-i-just-broke-up-my-girlfriend-10-minutes-ago

I have been with my girlfriend for 2 years. In two years she has introduced me to most of her friends (guys and girls), apart from ones that don't live nearby.

However, there is one guy that she used to call her one of best friends when we started dating, he is even listed as her brother on facebook (no other friends are). They actually dated when they were 16, although and she assured me when we first started dating nothing sexual occurred, and on reflection the whole thought of ever dating him makes her want to vomit(hence the brother designation).

When we started dating she would also contact him for advice, meet up on occasion. That all faded away after a few months of us dating. She has only seen him once since, at a mutual friends birthday (which I wasn't invited to). She has never introduced me to him.

You may be thinking, so what's the problem, it happens with girls and guy friends once they get a boyfriend. She has always maintained contact via facebook. Regulary liking and commenting on his statuses, enlarging any picture he puts up. She is friends with his whole family and obsesses over them on Facebook (she does not do this over anyone else). The thing is she will never do this when I am in the room, and I have noticed that she will scroll quickly by if she sees me looking and then go back when I walk out of the room. When I have brought this up she has called me crazy. I am certain she is not cheating, she barely even talks to him, I just don't get her need to hide him from me. They don't talk on the phone or text message.

I have tried bringing up me meeting him over the 2 years. She has always got defensive and called me jealous, or said he is busy, she is busy. Always a different excuse, but she assures me that one day I will... He once every few months for the past 2 years puts a message on her wall inviting her to go on a weekend away with him and his buddies, or to a music gig. She always declines saying she is busy. A mutual girl friend asked me if I had met him, because my gf talks about him all the time. My gf never mentions his name to me, he doesn't exist to me. It makes me feel like I don't know my girlfriend.

I am writing this thread, because his birthday is coming up this weekend. I found out due to my computer being broken and I jumped on hers, went to facebook (was logged in on hers) and saw that she commented that she is going. I saw this because facebook sorts your better friends at the top, so guess who was at top. My gf hasn't mentioned it. I know she doesn't want me there or she would have said something. I haven't mentioned it to her too. If I do it just makes me look bad and makes a better case in her head for me not going. She works nights on the weekends, then goes to my house after, so I assume that she will just say she is dropping by a friends party, make it seem spur of the moment.

To be honest this situation has bothered me for 2 years. She is friends with all his friends (they are all guys and his family) and it has always bothered me. She is closer to his friends and his family than mine. She is talking about us moving in together next year (although she spends every night at my house now), I don't know If I want a future with a girl that keeps a part of her life a secret.

It's good you kicked her to the curb. It's like I have learned if a woman lies to you whether by avoiding the truth or omitting it she doesn't respect you. A mature person whether it was good or bad would give you the respect to tell you something and not hide it from you. If they don't respect you who knows what else they would do. In the context of a relationship they will never be loyal because they don't respect you

May 18, 2013

Tell her not to bother coming man. She doesn't respect you and there need to be consequences for that or it will keep happening.

May 18, 2013

When I started telling her how upset I was, and demonstrating the many times we have discussed this and how it has bothered me for 2 years. She said she understood my arguement and that she disagrees, then said she is sick of it and we should break up for good.

This right here is your answer. She isn't naive at all. She fully understands that her actions are negatively affecting you and therefore negatively affecting your relationship. She is not interested in making any adjustments so that your relationship can continue to grow and that is exactly why she brought up breaking up. She's offering you two choices.....1) put up and shut up or 2) ship out. You've tried option 1 and been miserable so perhaps it is time to consider option 2. It isn't my place to tell you what to do, but understand if you continue to stick with option 1 nothing will change.

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Why won't she introduce me?

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