Why won't she introduce me?

May 15, 2013

Moderation note - See also:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/393520-i-just-broke-up-my-girlfriend-10-minutes-ago

I have been with my girlfriend for 2 years. In two years she has introduced me to most of her friends (guys and girls), apart from ones that don't live nearby.

However, there is one guy that she used to call her one of best friends when we started dating, he is even listed as her brother on facebook (no other friends are). They actually dated when they were 16, although and she assured me when we first started dating nothing sexual occurred, and on reflection the whole thought of ever dating him makes her want to vomit(hence the brother designation).

When we started dating she would also contact him for advice, meet up on occasion. That all faded away after a few months of us dating. She has only seen him once since, at a mutual friends birthday (which I wasn't invited to). She has never introduced me to him.

You may be thinking, so what's the problem, it happens with girls and guy friends once they get a boyfriend. She has always maintained contact via facebook. Regulary liking and commenting on his statuses, enlarging any picture he puts up. She is friends with his whole family and obsesses over them on Facebook (she does not do this over anyone else). The thing is she will never do this when I am in the room, and I have noticed that she will scroll quickly by if she sees me looking and then go back when I walk out of the room. When I have brought this up she has called me crazy. I am certain she is not cheating, she barely even talks to him, I just don't get her need to hide him from me. They don't talk on the phone or text message.

I have tried bringing up me meeting him over the 2 years. She has always got defensive and called me jealous, or said he is busy, she is busy. Always a different excuse, but she assures me that one day I will... He once every few months for the past 2 years puts a message on her wall inviting her to go on a weekend away with him and his buddies, or to a music gig. She always declines saying she is busy. A mutual girl friend asked me if I had met him, because my gf talks about him all the time. My gf never mentions his name to me, he doesn't exist to me. It makes me feel like I don't know my girlfriend.

I am writing this thread, because his birthday is coming up this weekend. I found out due to my computer being broken and I jumped on hers, went to facebook (was logged in on hers) and saw that she commented that she is going. I saw this because facebook sorts your better friends at the top, so guess who was at top. My gf hasn't mentioned it. I know she doesn't want me there or she would have said something. I haven't mentioned it to her too. If I do it just makes me look bad and makes a better case in her head for me not going. She works nights on the weekends, then goes to my house after, so I assume that she will just say she is dropping by a friends party, make it seem spur of the moment.

To be honest this situation has bothered me for 2 years. She is friends with all his friends (they are all guys and his family) and it has always bothered me. She is closer to his friends and his family than mine. She is talking about us moving in together next year (although she spends every night at my house now), I don't know If I want a future with a girl that keeps a part of her life a secret.

Edited May 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

May 15, 2013

Safe to assume she's not cheating on you. That's the good news.

However, it's obvious she has some sort of chemistry and history with this guy. More than what you've been told. She values his friendship and cares for him, and perhaps the reason why she doesn't want to introduce you to him is because, a) he doesn't know about you, or b) she doesn't want to hurt his feelings by reminding him she's with someone. I can understand the position she's in and I actually agree with her decision not to introduce you two. What would be the point of it? It's not like she hangs out with him in person. It'll just open a can of worms for no reason.

But having said that, there are still a few warning signs there that you need to be conscious of. Many will disagree with me, but, I'm a firm believer of not remaining in regular contact with former lovers/dating partners if I'm in a committed relationship. And I absolutely expect the same thing from my partner, too. What your missus is doing is very wrong, in my opinion. She's opening up the door of opportunity for him, her friend, to get in with her. I'm pretty certain that she's aware of this and, maybe, to some extent, she approves of it (y'know, just in case you two never work out and she can have someone to fall back on). He's her safety net now and you have to be very careful how you handle the situation. The more jealous you become and the more you ask about him, the more you'll drive a wedge between yourselves and push her into his direction.

My advice to you would be to try and stop showing your concern over their friendship. You have very good reasons to be concerned, but don't show it! Be grateful for the fact that, at the moment, she's been turning away his invitations to hang out; proving she values what she has with you. This birthday that she's going to may present a problem, but you have to handle it like a gentleman, dude. You have to try and make sure that, after the birthday, she reverts back to not wanting to hang out with him in person. Otherwise I fear this may be the beginning of a slope which sees her be driven away from you.

Edited May 15, 2013 by Chief Wiggum

May 15, 2013

I know that he knows about me and I get the impression he doesn't have any feelings for her at all. I'm not worried about him at all, it's more her.

I haven't shown any concern for over 10 months or so. That was the last time we discussed it, and she pointed out that I would never meet him if I brought it up again. In my head I just ignored it, she didn't seem to communicate with him in real life, she didn't tell him we were going on holidays together, she never saw him, spent every night with me, whats the worry.

But it has always nagged me, every time I see her use Facebook I have always felt this sense of angst. I have always felt like he is the backup. I am actually quite certain that if we were to break up today, she would be hanging out with him.

May 15, 2013

You're absolutely correct in thinking that, as soon as you break up, she'd be hanging out with him. But I have to disagree about him not having feelings for her. You know better, obviously, but, it wouldn't surprise me one bit that he's ready to pounce on her should you two finish. Or at least try to, anyway.

On a positive note, it does seem like she's quite open about her friendship with him. I mean, if he's freely writing on her Facebook wall and she on his (and his friends and family's), then it at least goes to show she's got nothing to hide. You should be glad she's they're not messaging in private or anything.

And it's good that you've not shown your concerns over the past 10 months. Keep it that way, otherwise you'll give her a reason to accuse you of being the jealous boyfriend. And that's when the real problems begin. But right now, you're letting your concerns consume you too much. You're correct to be aware of what's going on, but be in control of it.

May 15, 2013

All I know is that I am struggling to deal with this. She keeps these people from me intentionally. On Saturday she will be going to a party for him. 2 years and she is going to a strangers birthday and keeping it a secret from me.

Where does this stop? Are we going to be married and have kids, 10 years from now she be heading off to see her male friend her husband has never met.

I feel like I have known pretty soon into the relationship that the not introducing me thing is going to end up destroying the relationship.

May 15, 2013

"Keeps these people from me intentionally"...hmmm, I feel you. But at the moment she's just writing on their Facebook walls, so she may not see it as that big of a deal to mention them to you. It's not like she hangs out with them in person.

Regarding the party, yes, it is a bit of a concern. But it is possible that she's not plucked up the courage to tell you yet. Or, she may not be planning to if she's aware of what your reaction would be. In any case, it will be wrong if she ended up going and not telling you about it. That would be evidence of her having wrong intentions, in my opinion.

I think you should try and make plans with her on the night of his party, and see what her answer will be. Basically give her the opportunity to not hide this event from you. If she comes up with an excuse and doesn't tell you the real reason why can't hang out with you, then your suspicions will be confirmed. Something is there that she's hiding.

May 15, 2013

Well she just told me she is going and that I am not invited. I snapped... I am sick of it. 2 years and she can't bring me to a big party because I wasn't specifically invited. I guess being her boyfriend means nothing

May 15, 2013

I would have snapped too. There is no place for this in a loving, trusting relationship. My husband has no "friends" that I haven't been told about, goes nowhere without letting me know where he is, and is basically incapable of withholding any type of information from me (even if it's sometimes TMI) So sorry you are going thru this.

May 15, 2013

She's has a thing for him and doesn't want you to know about it. Us guys always think sex=cheating but for women cheating is more about emotional contacts, fantasies, that sort of thing. Her talking to this guy, obsessing over the curse on humanity that is Facebook, going to his b-day party, it's her way of cheating without cheating if you understand what I am getting at.

Snapped? I have found that once you get into this territory with a girl who thinks that secret male friends/crushes are okay you always lose. This is make or break because she obviously thinks it's okay to hide a former romantic interest (as well as his whole family to whom she is enamored) from you. In her head what she is doing is perfectly okay and you're the jealous, controlling, a-hole boyfriend.

Actual cheating? Maybe. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if months after some messy breakup you find out she had a few flings with this guy. She obviously is full of fantasies about him and his family so acting them out is the next logical step.

May 15, 2013

curse on humanity, LOL. Describes Facebook to a T. Thanks!

May 15, 2013

Well she just told me she is going and that I am not invited. I snapped... I am sick of it. 2 years and she can't bring me to a big party because I wasn't specifically invited. I guess being her boyfriend means nothing

OP, I just wanted to say that I feel your pain, and this makes me angry on your behalf. It sounds like you've been more than patient with this. What she's doing is Not OK. She should have invited you; it's the perfect opportunity to introduce you to him at last, and really shows up all that "she's busy, he's busy" crap for the nonsense it is. I have no problem with people having opposite-sex friends, but hidden opposite-sex friends is another matter entirely.

I don't know that she's cheating, but she's certainly making an issue of something that didn't have to be one. It's childish and destructive to the relationship. An adult should know better.

I'm sorry.

Edited May 15, 2013 by serial muse

May 15, 2013

You're not invited? That's a bit f**#ed up. I was expecting her to either say she wasn't going any more, or take you with with her. Looks like this thing she has with this guy is stronger than I initially thought. It's not looking good, OP. Sorry to say, she's not to be trusted.

May 15, 2013

I have been with my girlfriend for 2 years. In two years she has introduced me to most of her friends (guys and girls), apart from ones that don't live nearby.

However, there is one guy that she used to call her one of best friends when we started dating, he is even listed as her brother on facebook (no other friends are). They actually dated when they were 16, although and she assured me when we first started dating nothing sexual occurred, and on reflection the whole thought of ever dating him makes her want to vomit(hence the brother designation).

When we started dating she would also contact him for advice, meet up on occasion. That all faded away after a few months of us dating. She has only seen him once since, at a mutual friends birthday (which I wasn't invited to). She has never introduced me to him.

You may be thinking, so what's the problem, it happens with girls and guy friends once they get a boyfriend. She has always maintained contact via facebook. Regulary liking and commenting on his statuses, enlarging any picture he puts up. She is friends with his whole family and obsesses over them on Facebook (she does not do this over anyone else). The thing is she will never do this when I am in the room, and I have noticed that she will scroll quickly by if she sees me looking and then go back when I walk out of the room. When I have brought this up she has called me crazy. I am certain she is not cheating, she barely even talks to him, I just don't get her need to hide him from me. They don't talk on the phone or text message.

I have tried bringing up me meeting him over the 2 years. She has always got defensive and called me jealous, or said he is busy, she is busy. Always a different excuse, but she assures me that one day I will... He once every few months for the past 2 years puts a message on her wall inviting her to go on a weekend away with him and his buddies, or to a music gig. She always declines saying she is busy. A mutual girl friend asked me if I had met him, because my gf talks about him all the time. My gf never mentions his name to me, he doesn't exist to me. It makes me feel like I don't know my girlfriend.

I am writing this thread, because his birthday is coming up this weekend. I found out due to my computer being broken and I jumped on hers, went to facebook (was logged in on hers) and saw that she commented that she is going. I saw this because facebook sorts your better friends at the top, so guess who was at top. My gf hasn't mentioned it. I know she doesn't want me there or she would have said something. I haven't mentioned it to her too. If I do it just makes me look bad and makes a better case in her head for me not going. She works nights on the weekends, then goes to my house after, so I assume that she will just say she is dropping by a friends party, make it seem spur of the moment.

To be honest this situation has bothered me for 2 years. She is friends with all his friends (they are all guys and his family) and it has always bothered me. She is closer to his friends and his family than mine. She is talking about us moving in together next year (although she spends every night at my house now), I don't know If I want a future with a girl that keeps a part of her life a secret.

She's in love with him. After 2 years if she won't take you to hid Bday bash than she's not fully committed to you.

May 15, 2013

She isn't in love with him. I'm certain about that and she hasn't ever held any information from me. She has basically cut off initiating her communication with him because of me. However, since it's is birthday... she has to go!

She considers the fact that she hasn't seen him in a year to be reason enough to go and well I'm just inconsiderate and over reacting.

I don't see a single reason why she couldn't bring her BF of 2 years along to meet a bunch of friends.

May 15, 2013

sounds a little suspect to me...

May 15, 2013

She isn't in love with him. I'm certain about that and she hasn't ever held any information from me. She has basically cut off initiating her communication with him because of me. However, since it's is birthday... she has to go!

She considers the fact that she hasn't seen him in a year to be reason enough to go and well I'm just inconsiderate and over reacting.

I don't see a single reason why she couldn't bring her BF of 2 years along to meet a bunch of friends.

She's cutting off communication with him? That right there tells me she does indeed view him as more than a friend.

Only an ******* with dissolve a friendship over a lover.

She can't bring you because she likes him. Sorry, that's pretty easy to see.

May 15, 2013

Well she just told me she is going and that I am not invited. I snapped... I am sick of it. 2 years and she can't bring me to a big party because I wasn't specifically invited. I guess being her boyfriend means nothing

That is a problem if she specifically told you you weren't invited, in my opinion if someone discluded a boyfriend who was with me,even if he didnt end up going or didn't want to go , the invite should still be there in my opinion , she should have declined the invitation, it is a bit strange...i have never told in my life anyway, any boyfriend or long term partner, "oh no you arent invited"....people know me i guess no one has even suggested i not bring my partner when i had one........i feel for you...i wish you luck....deb

May 15, 2013

She's cutting off communication with him? That right there tells me she does indeed view him as more than a friend.

Only an ******* with dissolve a friendship over a lover.

She can't bring you because she likes him. Sorry, that's pretty easy to see.

And you can bet she's holding OP responsible for the fact that she HAD TO cut off communication. This is a lose-lose, sorry to say.

May 16, 2013

I wasn't mentioned as not being invited. I just wasn't invited. She said it would be rude for me to come because he doesn't know me.

Being a boyfriend of 2 years isn't enough I guess. What annoys me right now is that she is angry at me. I am the one making a problem out of this.

May 16, 2013

I wasn't mentioned as not being invited. I just wasn't invited. She said it would be rude for me to come because he doesn't know me.

Being a boyfriend of 2 years isn't enough I guess. What annoys me right now is that she is angry at me. I am the one making a problem out of this.

Dude, this is a really bad situation and I feel for you.

But you really should end it. If you don't, it will get MUCH worse.

May 16, 2013

What if her intentions are good? That is what has kept me in it so long. Her intentions are good, she means well, she is just naive

May 16, 2013

What if her intentions are good? That is what has kept me in it so long. Her intentions are good, she means well, she is just naive

You know her better than we do.

But from what you wrote here, it doesn't sound like her intentions are good.

How old is she btw?

May 16, 2013

She isn't in love with him

At the very least she likes him as more than a friend...

She's not bringing you because she has strong feelings for this guy. Wake up. She's not to be trusted. 2 years and she can't bring you to a guy friend's Bday party because "you weren't invited". That's disrespectful and downright absurd. Ditch her.

May 16, 2013

I am certain her intentions are good and I am certain that she doesn't have feelings for him. Perhaps she is embarrassed about what I would think about him, I don't know.

But it is disrespectful and downright absurd. I just need to make sure that there isn't something I am missing.

May 16, 2013

i am certain her intentions are good and i am certain that she doesn't have feelings for him. Perhaps she is embarrassed about what i would think about him, i don't know.

But it is disrespectful and downright absurd. I just need to make sure that there isn't something i am missing.

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Why won't she introduce me?

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