Does he still like me?

[Tinie]

Arg I need some help before I do something stupid.

 

So I have a friend, let's call him B. I was in a class with him, and he often would say things that hinted he had feelings for me, and he'd do things for me and help me. He invited me for coffee once but I couldn't go because I was having a terrible semester and I didn't have any free time at all (I was barely staying afloat as it was). He knew it though. I suspected he had feelings for me, but he was really subtle so I just told myself I was being delusional.

 

After we went on winter holidays, I didn't hear anything from him. Or for the next two months for that matter, so I sent him an email and invited him for coffee. He ignored the invite and wrote a few lame sentences and that was it. I replied back, again with an invite. He hasn't gotten back to me. I ran into him today during a practice fire drill at school and he was so cold, completely unlike himself. He kept looking for his friend J, even after people repeatedly told him J was involved in turning the fire alarms off and wasn't around. B also mentioned his wife, who I didn't know existed until today. Eventually he stopped talking to me and went over to a friend. I walked away.

 

I had never made an attempt to reject him that I knew of. I knew I was so busy I was barely surviving. I feel like this is not justified. I want to send him an email and ask, very nicely and sensitively, but I don't know if it's a good idea. If he thought of me as a friend, he wouldn't have a problem meeting up with me, or at least being nice. But who knows. I did some digging around online and found out about a girl who is around B's age, also with the same last name, and also who went to his school in which he did his undergrad. But maybe that's his sister. I don't know. What do I do? Forget about this? Assume this is his wife and that he doesn't want to know me anymore?

[will1988]

wow obsessive much?

 

At first I read this like you all were in high school, because this sounds like high school drama. Then when you said he was married, I thought, maybe undergrand. Then you proved me wrong again. you are in grad school or law school and acting this way? really? really? The guy either just liked you as a friend, or had interests in you. You snubbed him. You gave him the cold shoulder. Now it seems that you have developed some form of feelings for him, probably out of the fact that he is not chasing you around any more. Often times we want what we cannot have, and the chase makes us want it more. So now when it is convienent for you to finally get coffee, months latter I might add, you expect him to be waiting for you like some puppy dog? Really? Do you realize how that makes you look? You know when men say women play games? This is a prime example of what they are talking about! Anyway, he is married, he either was in to you as a friend or wanted you as his side piece. Either way, he is married, and should remain off limits to you. If you keep pushing him by sending emails and constantly trying to "accidently run" in to him, he is going to get thuroughly spooked and cut you out of his life compeletly. Even if he does grant your wish of going for coffee, why would you want to do that with a man you know is married? And please don't tell us you just like him as a friend. If that was the case I highly doubt your thread would have been posted on this forum, especially in the dating advice section. Why would you want a married man who is not interested in you?

 

My advice is this; leave him alone, and move on.

 

Sorry for sounding harsh, but sometimes we all need to hear the un-sugar coated truth.

 

Good luck!

[Treasa]

You should have let this one go when you emailed him and he didn't reply.

 

Move on. He is not interested, nor does he sound available.

[Tinie]

@will- wow. Way to get your pants in a wad. And acting high schoolish? Yep, you've accomplished that most spectacularly. Way to go.

 

I don't recall asking for sugar coated truth. I know I won't get it here which is why I've bothered to waste the few minutes it took to create this thread.

 

I'm an undergrad. My intention was not at all to sound high schoolish. And Jesus. If one of your friends who you've known for 4 months up and acted like he didn't want anything to do with you all of a sudden, wouldn't that concern you?

 

I never gave him the cold shoulder. Didn't you read anything I wrote? He knew my reasons for not hanging out with him. I cannot jeopardize my education and academic success for a relationship that had not even been established. As a fellow academic, he of all people should understand. He is just as serious about school as I am. He's a PhD candidate. I didn't say I would never want to hang out with him. I just said I cannot that evening because I had a lot of homework. Simply because I don't smear myself all over the ground to prove anything, does not mean I am not interested.

 

I am posting here because I suspect the wife story is a lie.

 

Quite frankly, you sound like a troll. Move along.

 

@Treasa- yeah I think I will. Thanks.

[will1988]

Really? How am I troll? Re-read what you wrote, please! If you were reading that as an unbiased observer, such as myself, you would realize how utterly obessive you sound. Also, you sound like you are using double standards. So it is ok for you to blow him off, yet when he blows you off it is not ok? Trust me I know the restrictions of college etc... I've in college for the past 7 or 8 years of my life. And working full time the past 3 years and taking classes at night. so I get where you are coming from about the academic part. That is fine. Since he is working on his doctorate (something I will be going for very shortly, in History) I am sure him, more than anyone, understands that academics comes first. However, from the way you made it seem like, it seems he was interested in you... maybe as more than friends. You told him you were too busy to hang out for coffee, and then did not try contacting him again until your schedule was free... months later! From a guys perspective, even if you don't realize what you did or how it looks, it looks like you are playing a game with him. He is obviouslly a smart man to be in a phd program, and being a smart man, and you being probably a bit younger than him considering you are in undergrad, he probably thinks you are just being a young woman who likes to play games. One minute you snub him, ignore him for months, and then try to come back in to his life, and then get obsessive when he ignores your requests to go have that coffee, finally! That is how this situation looks to him, probably. I am not saying all men think a like. However, judging by his actions, and trying to put myself in this scenerio, that is how I am pretty sure how he is feeling about you. Also, what makes you so sure he is not married? are you facebook friends? or has he given you the line "I don't have fb" or " I never use it?"... if so, he probably does, and was trying to hide it from you so you didn't see his relationship status. The fact that he is in a phd program, I would say at the youngest he is 23/24 and at the oldest, early to mid 30s. That is the age group when most people get married. So from a stasticly speaking point of view, it is very plausable that he is married. He might of started to liek you, and ended up feeling like you slighted him... that is all i am saying. if that makes me a troll, by giving my honest opinion of the situation and trying to put myself in his, not your, shoes, than so be it!

 

good luck!

[MidwestUSA]

You blew him off for a coffee date, contradicting "I had never made an attempt to reject him". Got back to him months later. By then, he had changed his mind about any feelings he may have had.

 

Whether the wife is "invented" or not, he's off limits. You should hope that he really is married, because if he made her up, it was to discourage you. Not something for you to be proud of.

 

 

Don't email him and make a fool of yourself, move on.

[Tinie]

@will- actually this isn't the first time I suggested we go for coffee.

 

Let me illustrate how busy I was that semester. I would come home, often around 7 pm because that's when my classes finish, then stay up until often 1 am, sometimes 2 am if I was unlucky and had a lot of homework. I'm a chem honours major, and I'm one of the top students in my faculty. I never proscrastinate. You are right, he is a smart man. I think my dedication to my education was a quality he liked. And he'd need to be pretty educated himself to appreciate that, which he was and is.

 

I don't know how that is blowing someone off. If I can't make it to coffee because I'm already stretched beyond my limit, how does that make me a criminal all of a sudden? I wanted to meet at the end of the semester for coffee, but he blew me off. I asked to see him during the winter break. Same story. Now, with the emails. Same story. How am I at all obsessive? I think if someone you knew simply decided they didn't want anything to do with you based on ONE coffee thing, you'd be a little confused too.

 

And stop making me sound desperate and stupid. I am not. "you are young"? Yeah I am but don't imply I'm dumb. That is insulting. I only just started thinking about this situation after I ran into him two days ago because I assumed he was really busy with his research and so emailing was difficult for him. Instead what I got was nothing but coldness, and I didn't expect that at all. Yeah, that's right. I didn't expect it, but maybe because I don't walk around thinking the whole universe is full of evil minded people out to get me. Least of all, people I consider my friends.

 

And no we're not fb friends. I don't go on fb much and I've never mentioned fb to him. I mostly stick to email.

 

So, sorry but I should have clarified. Yes maybe according to you I "blew him off" but I'd expect a grown man not to run around like a baby in need of attention. I'd expect him to be patient and understanding, given he knew how stressful my semester was. I wasn't able to see anyone, not just him. He's also 10 years my senior- I'm 20 and he's 30. And no I'm not planning to email him, that's only going to make me look like some hopeless desperado. I just expected him to be mature if he indeed had feelings for me and cared about me that way. I'd do, and have done, before, the same.

 

@Midwest- so now I am absolutely obligated to accept everything even when it's the worst timing? I think I'm allowed to refuse if I absolutely can't. I would much rather go for coffee with him than go home to study, but that's what I did. I didn't meet someone else instead or something.

 

How am I proud about it? And the whole purpose of coming on here was to ask if I should email him. Which obviously, I've decided, would be a bad idea.

 

Yeah, I realize he's off limits now, NEVER MIND the fact that he hit on me, wanted to go for coffee with me one on one, and acted upon his feelings, while supposedly being "married".