Miri Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 I met someone online a couple of weeks ago and we hit it off great. For the last two weeks he was emailing me or initiating chats online every single night (except when I went offline to take a break). Our conversations would go on for hours late into the night. We have a ton of special tastes and interests in common, some which were really quite rare and which we loved discussing in depth. He kept saying that he was super excited to meet me in person. The date went well enough, he was really glad to see me and gave me a huge hug. He chose a nice restaurant and the conversation flowed long past our meal. We chatted about a lot of personal things - he asked me many questions about myself and also towards the end, opened up quite a bit about some very personal and vulnerable things, like a few details about his divorce which he had not mentioned before. The date ended with a hug and he said SEVERAL times that he would like to see me again and has really enjoyed spending time with and talking to me and would very much like to do it some more. But since then, I haven't heard anything from him - none of our usual chats, nothing - the date was last Saturday night. I don't know if I should just chalk this up to him not finding me as attractive as I looked in my photos or if I should just drop him a line myself. It's really annoying when a guy seems so interested and you seem really compatible and then he just disappears. Why would he even have bothered to share all those personal revelations about himself (like why would he feel like it was even necessary to disclose the divorce) and keep the conversation going for that long after dinner if he wasn't interested in seeing me again? Even if he didn't feel sexual chemistry, we should be able to be friends - but it is really disappointing that he just stopped contacting me.
mortensorchid Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 I've been there myself. I'd like to say that the same rules of "real life" apply to those of OLD, but not always the case as it seems. It's been a few days? If you haven't heard from him within the first 24-48 hours after the get together then you're not going to hear from him again by any means (email, phone, text, etc.). And that means you're not going to be his friend either. Hard to accept? Yes it is, and based on what you said before it is as well. But he (or she) who has not sent some kind of suggestive or flirty communication with another can cast the first stone. After all, how do you think that you got all stoked about meeting him in the first place? Hard to accept but move on. FOr all you know he's playing people all over the place and you were just another.
salparadise Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 I don't agree with the 48 hour theory. I'd say give it more like five days before being resigned that you're not going to hear from him again. There certainly would not be anything wrong with you texting him to thank him for the dinner and say you enjoyed meeting him. Consider the possibility that he could be thinking exactly the same thing– "why didn't she send a thank-you message... she must not be interested." It's also possible that he intends to follow up but doesn't want to come across as desperate. Again, it won't hurt a thing to send him a thank-you just to keep the lines of communication open. As for the long chat sessions, once you've met in person is there any point in continuing the intense online interactions? I think that's mostly about getting to the in-person meeting. My personal experience is that you just run out of steam and the chatting and emailing become too labor intensive and not nearly as enjoyable as talking in person. Information exchange is overrated... eye contact is where it's at! People have differing ideas about how the dance should be done. Some women expect to be pursued relentlessly without giving back much. Personally, if I'm not getting a few encouraging signals from a woman I'll just next her. The reasons are, well, it's nice to know you aren't wasting your time, and more importantly, that I prefer a relationship that's reciprocal in pretty much every way. I think of women as being fully functional human beings and the old school notion of extreme passivity just isn't interesting. I say contact him- why do you not see that as a possibility?
PutARingOnIt Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 He may be thinking the same thing about you. Why don't you just send him a short "how are you" text and see what happens?
Granin Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 It sounds like he's invested a lot more than you have and now he's worried it's all in vain and you're either A) Using him to raise your self esteem B) Don't feel the same way he does C) Both If he's doing all the initiating and leading all the time he's putting a lot more effort in than you, and if you aren't reciprocating to some degree it's going to make him wonder if he's just setting himself up to be hurt. You contact him. There's nothing wrong with it and you have nothing to lose. He's probably trying to get you to invest too. It's healthy in a relationship of any kind
BluEyeL Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 The date was on Saturday. Based on the dating books, you two have been too much in contact before the date and the first date was too long, which, they say, leads to boredom. They say you need to end the dates at a high point, when you both feel great, this way you will both want to meet each other again asap. If you let it continue too long, boredom ensues. Now, I don't know if that's true or not... In any case, it appears to me that he lost interest. It happens all the time with OLD, and it is frustrating. You can send him a message. What can hapen is that he will reply commentary (i.e., not inviting you again), or that you'll make him ask you out a second time, but long term, I think this is a lost cause unfortunately, and you should move on.
jcrew11 Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Haha, she should have sent a Thank-You e-mail within 48 hours. Then the ball is in his court to respond. But if he is on Online dating, then he is also talking to other women, so he might be busy wooing other women as well, in case it doesn't work out with you.
crude Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 It sounds like he wasn't too impressed with you in person. However, since you're curious, why not contact him and ask why he doesn't want to continue. Since you'll probably never see him again, ask him to be brutally honest for your own edification. Surely you want to know why he doesn't want you.
Drseussgrrl Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 He isn't interested. It doesn't matter why - you probably just weren't his cup of tea. In the future, limit the amount of contact you have with someone prior to a date. Just enough to set up the date, iron out the deets, and confirm day-of. People build up unrealistic expectations about someone before they even meet simply to be met with disappointment after non-stop texting. It creates a false sense of intimacy/familiarity.
Author Miri Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 Update: he posted a really cute joke/comment on my Facebook wall the other night, which is kind of encouraging. I'm not going to read too much into it - I'm fine with being friends, just glad it's not a complete disappearance after all those intense and fun conversations. I was just hoping there would be something more due to the obvious intellectual connection we had. I should probably initiate a little more. I think I just lack confidence because I have gained some weight in the last year. I am afraid that he just didn't like the way I looked in person, when my photos were so much more stunning. Funnily enough a mutual friend of ours noticed that we had connected on Facebook and asked me about how I met him, etc. She really encouraged me to go for it because she said he is really not a superficial person and is probably intimidated by me. I don't know! I think I'll just try to maintain a friendship for now. I am going to work on myself and lose some weight and hopefully see him again sometime later.
happydate Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 The date was on Saturday. Based on the dating books, you two have been too much in contact before the date and the first date was too long, which, they say, leads to boredom. They say you need to end the dates at a high point, when you both feel great, this way you will both want to meet each other again asap. If you let it continue too long, boredom ensues. Now, I don't know if that's true or not... In any case, it appears to me that he lost interest. It happens all the time with OLD, and it is frustrating. You can send him a message. What can hapen is that he will reply commentary (i.e., not inviting you again), or that you'll make him ask you out a second time, but long term, I think this is a lost cause unfortunately, and you should move on. I personally wouldn't be following the dating books to religiously. They are good reference, but that's about it. Just be authentic on dates, not fakes. Personally, I have dated ladies with lots of contacts on non-dates leading to dates that succeed into a LTR and yet, some led to just 2nd dates. Also done with just setting up dates and little contact and once a week dating and got dumped because she thought I was a married man, too secretive too mysterious etc.. I just learned to be as authentic, funny, relaxed and confident on dates and take them as they come. If the man is for you, the relationship never gets bored. If the man is not for you, the relationship gets very difficult to upkeep. I mean, how are you going to keep the relationship spicy and interesting for like 20 to 30 years. Even Apple Inc is starting to be in a tough position to keep its iPhone and iPad lines spicy and get people lining up forever. It's even loosing market share against Android. If Apple Inc hire a bunch of experts to try and keep their lines interesting and not boring, what chance have you? It's not realistic and it's not authentic. The best relationships I find are the ones that I meet in unexpected situations and places. I never had any good luck with online dating, because people are speed dating like you are product. He's not checking you out; he's probably checking several ladies all at once. Once he saw you and compare you to the others, he liked the other lady better and poof you're gone. It's mean, but it's the way online dating works. It's through attrition. Get out more and join meetup groups that offer the same interest you like doing and you can meet men that way. Besides, most men in those groups are single. 1
Lani Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 There is a chance he's waiting for you to contact him. One thing I've noticed about guys is that when they open up to you about really personal things, they tend to get all strange about it and feel like idiots. Like they have revealed too much to you, and shown too much vulnerability. They need reassurance that this is ok. I don't see the harm in throwing out a message to him, asking if he'd be interested in doing something. Find something to do first though, like 'Hey, it's been ages (blah blah blah). So this band is playing at blah on Friday and I was thinking about going, do you want to come?' What have you got to lose?
Author Miri Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 I emailed him and after I sent it I worried that my email came off as a little too intense...I wrote about some of the things we had talked about but it ended up being a bit long. I thought that maybe he'd freak out and I'd never hear from him again. But he contacted me and asked if he could see me again soon, maybe over coffee! It's just coffee (our first date was over a nice dinner) so maybe it's just being friendly but...it's better than nothing! Especially if my email may have come across a bit strong. I hope it's a good sign.
soccerrprp Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 I emailed him and after I sent it I worried that my email came off as a little too intense...I wrote about some of the things we had talked about but it ended up being a bit long. I thought that maybe he'd freak out and I'd never hear from him again. But he contacted me and asked if he could see me again soon, maybe over coffee! It's just coffee (our first date was over a nice dinner) so maybe it's just being friendly but...it's better than nothing! Especially if my email may have come across a bit strong. I hope it's a good sign. I think that this is positive. I think that if he was not at all interested, we wouldn't have even suggested a coffee date. Good luck!
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