OK....so duty trumps love!

May 15, 2013

I've read a few posts that are much like my situation. xMM told wife of the affair because he thought I would eventually do it anyway. But he always told me "duty and responsibility trump love and affection." OK. He also told me on dday or shortly after that it didn't matter one iota what HE wanted. He was there for her. Period. Dot. End of story.

What do you all think?

May 15, 2013

he was letting you down gently.

he loved his wife more.

May 15, 2013

I actually think that it's true (and maybe some men just use it as a "line"). You have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and say that you did the responsible, mature and selfless thing...and these feelings are HEIGHTENED after an affair when you know that your relationship was only for yourself.

Basically, love is a luxury. It doesn't feel right to have it and leave everyone else broken because of that choice.

I don't understand why people don't get this. I'm not even a man and I get it.

May 15, 2013

I've read a few posts that are much like my situation. xMM told wife of the affair because he thought I would eventually do it anyway. But he always told me "duty and responsibility trump love and affection." OK. He also told me on dday or shortly after that it didn't matter one iota what HE wanted. He was there for her. Period. Dot. End of story.

What do you all think?

If that's what he says, listen and believe. What can you do but accept it?

Life's much easier when you are with someone who is on the same page and who wants to do what you'd have them do,of their own free will,I've learned. So if he says that....agree or not...if he's lying or not,what's sure is that he is making it clear that his relationship with her trumps your desires and he is alright with that.

May 15, 2013

If that's what he says, listen and believe. What can you do but accept it?

Life's much easier when you are with someone who is on the same page and who wants to do what you'd have them do,of their own free will,I've learned. So if he says that....agree or not...if he's lying or not,what's sure is that he is making it clear that his relationship with her trumps your desires and he is alright with that.

Very well said. Not everyone has the same priorities. Some people need different things in their lives to make them happy. That's not to say your love was not important. Would you want to be with him if he was depressed about neglecting his duty? You have to let him go and make his own decisions. If they don't line up with your expectations then that's just one thing you aren't compatible about...

May 15, 2013

I agree with all of your opinions. However when he said duty and responsibility trump love and desire, he meant his own love and desire. At least at the time and in context that is what it was.

May 15, 2013

everyone thinks differently and has different priorities.

if i was told what's in your OP, i would take it as what i replied initially.

i'm done with analysing people's words and trying to guess their thoughts - the only ones i know are my own.

i might seem bitter and jaded, but i find it's easier for me that way...

May 15, 2013

I agree with all of your opinions. However when he said duty and responsibility trump love and desire, he meant his own love and desire. At least at the time and in context that is what it was.

I totally got what he meant.

Wouldn't make me feel any better though.

I'd respect it, thank him for his honesty and move on to someone whose duties and responsibilities were compatible with me being in their life.

As P4P said, not everyone has the same priorities, so life's about finding people to date and invest in whose priorities aren't at odds with your relationship.

May 15, 2013

And I am trying hard to do just that. Make sense and move on.

My expectations were never that he leave his wife, but rather to live up to the things he also promised to me....which he did not.

So on the one had, he's honorable in that he stayed true to his vows. On the other hand, he did hurt another person who he *claimed* he loved and wanted to be with as much as possible.

It's all fine. Things are how they are. I hurt, but less so than I did a month ago. Life marches on......

May 15, 2013

Its a tough pill to swallow, no doubt...

Heck, for all you know he and his wife barely get along and maybe even rarely or never have sex, but he feels a need to provide and care for her and kids because its just too difficult to abandon it. In this case guilt wins out over lust/love/affection. As a man currently going through the stages of a divorce, In cases where there is no infidelity or abuse, the men I know in the same situation take it as a colossal failure

I think this is true for a lot of men in "bad" marriages. On the outside, they are seemingly hanging on for no other reason..Of course the answer isn't to enter into a EMA, but as we all know these situations do arise.

I wish you well and sorry for your pain...

TFY

May 15, 2013

And I am trying hard to do just that. Make sense and move on.

My expectations were never that he leave his wife, but rather to live up to the things he also promised to me....which he did not.

So on the one had, he's honorable in that he stayed true to his vows. On the other hand, he did hurt another person who he *claimed* he loved and wanted to be with as much as possible.

It's all fine. Things are how they are. I hurt, but less so than I did a month ago. Life marches on......

If I might ask. if you had no expectations, what didnt he live up to?

TFY

May 15, 2013

I think he told you the simple truth. He is a father and husband. I am not sure how old his kids are...but once you become a parent, you cannot do your job while being selfish.

I don't know how many times I have put myself on the back burner, not only for my kids but for my husband.

It is time for you to let him go....for good. I know it hurts, but that is what needs to be done. Mostly for your sanity.

May 15, 2013

I've read a few posts that are much like my situation. xMM told wife of the affair because he thought I would eventually do it anyway. But he always told me "duty and responsibility trump love and affection." OK. He also told me on dday or shortly after that it didn't matter one iota what HE wanted. He was there for her. Period. Dot. End of story.

What do you all think?

So many confuse "lust and love, affair feelings" vs a long marriage that contains love that changes and grows throughout many years along the way. It's apples and oranges really when you think of it.

Doesn't mean he didn't love you any less, but he loves what he has at home more. Whatever his reasons are for choosing to stay married are valid and important to him. His reasons may be fluff to you and you feel (or any OW) that "feeling in love" is enough to end a long marriage and start over. Most of the time it isn't and once an affair comes to light, it brings all sorts of emotions and maybe some buried feelings alive - Which in turn the CS realizes and wakes up that the person they betrayed is truly the person they desire. Feelings not as intense as in the affair setting, but the glue that holds a married couple together can be a hell of a lot stronger than what glue grows during an affair.

Hope this makes sense at 1am..It does in my head!

May 15, 2013

My expectations were never that he leave his wife, but rather to live up to the things he also promised to me....which he did not.

But he isn't obligated to you, he didn't make any vows or promises to you in front of family and friends. It really is how you look it. To you he was your everything and you probably poured a lot of yourself and tons of love and energy into him, making him your number one. To him, sure he probably loved you as well, but he knew deep down that he could always get out of it because it was just an affair. His wife and kids always were his first priority. (ironic seeing as he was cheating on his wife and betraying his whole family unit..) You had unrealistic expectations put on him that he could never follow through on. Why? Because he wasn't committed to you. Sorry if my words are harsh.

May 15, 2013

All I ever expected is respect for me as a woman. If he needed to end it, end it like a man and do it face to face. Because we were friends for so long prior to the affair, I didn't expect a one line text about how he told his wife and I was no longer part of his life.

I respect my friends way to much to treat them like dog doo. The truth is at this point I would still offer respect in terms of my treatment of him. Obviously I am owed nothing, but I think the way some WH and WW treat the OW/OM is shameful.

I do respect all of your opinions, and thank you for them. : )

May 15, 2013

BTW, for whomever asked.....his kids are grown and moved away. Obviously he values their opinions though and wouldn't want to treat their mother badly.

So it's not about raising the kids per se.

May 15, 2013

I've read a few posts that are much like my situation. xMM told wife of the affair because he thought I would eventually do it anyway. But he always told me "duty and responsibility trump love and affection." OK. He also told me on dday or shortly after that it didn't matter one iota what HE wanted. He was there for her. Period. Dot. End of story.

What do you all think?

Many men are raised with these values. Love is seen as a luxury, a privilege, something they may deserve only of they fulfill all their obligations and duties adequately. Dumping duty for love is seen as selfish, hedonistic, irresponsible. This is particularly true, IME, of men raised with traditional values, older men, and British men.

May 15, 2013

But he isn't obligated to you, he didn't make any vows or promises to you in front of family and friends. It really is how you look it. To you he was your everything and you probably poured a lot of yourself and tons of love and energy into him, making him your number one. To him, sure he probably loved you as well, but he knew deep down that he could always get out of it because it was just an affair. His wife and kids always were his first priority. (ironic seeing as he was cheating on his wife and betraying his whole family unit..) You had unrealistic expectations put on him that he could never follow through on. Why? Because he wasn't committed to you. Sorry if my words are harsh.

Very well said.

This is the first time I have read something that really makes sense to me.

The only thing I really cant get my head around is, how if the MM is so in love with his BS why did he ever start an affair that he knew would hurt his BS and family so much? Affairs just dont happen in good healthy marriages.

Im not sure I will ever find an answer but you have helped me understand some of what nags at my brain.

May 15, 2013

Cheating on your partner is selfish. If you truly believe that he is putting others needs above his own (acting out of duty) that would be a drastic change for him. How likely is that? Sounds good and noble but seems extremely unlikely.

May 15, 2013

All I ever expected is respect for me as a woman. If he needed to end it, end it like a man and do it face to face. Because we were friends for so long prior to the affair, I didn't expect a one line text about how he told his wife and I was no longer part of his life.

I respect my friends way to much to treat them like dog doo. The truth is at this point I would still offer respect in terms of my treatment of him. Obviously I am owed nothing, but I think the way some WH and WW treat the OW/OM is shameful.

I do respect all of your opinions, and thank you for them. : )

Yes, well I think you're sitting there thinking "Wait a minute, you promised me the world and then within hours of that you give me no more than a text finishing our relationship."

I think it is all too easy to feel resentment over that. One minute you feel like one of the most important people in his life and the next you're disposed of pretty heartlessly via a text message.

Sometimes you have to put yourself in his position for one minute. There is some serious s*** going down between him and his wife. It is an emotional holocaust. Do you really think that he could be in any fit state to have a face to face conversation with you? Do you think his wife would have allowed him that? No. Why because a) his wife is not going to want HER husband to see you again and b) whilst you're infront of him, it makes it a lot harder for him to explain what he is saying. Through a text he can have a think about what he wants to say without you interupting or answering back or whatever. Yes, I know it's cowardly, but for him it was the only way to do it. Yes, it's totally ****e for you.

He has a commitment to his wife and his family. He does not have that to you, as much as he may have said that. Would you really respect a man who would so easily walk out on his family for someone else? I don't think you would. At least he's being man enough to face up to his responsibilities and work on his marriage. I'll give him that.

Let him have time to sort it out either way. If you feel bad, just think of his wife. She didn't ask for any of this atom bomb to blow up on her lap. The least he can do for her and his family is work at it and try everything before making a JOINT decision between man and wife that it isn't going to work. You are not and should not be a part of that decision making process.

May 15, 2013

I suspect that love and duty combined trump love alone. I don't think many people would stay in a marriage where there was no love at all when a loving partner awaited them outside the marriage.

May 15, 2013

Very well said.

This is the first time I have read something that really makes sense to me.

The only thing I really cant get my head around is, how if the MM is so in love with his BS why did he ever start an affair that he knew would hurt his BS and family so much? Affairs just dont happen in good healthy marriages.

Im not sure I will ever find an answer but you have helped me understand some of what nags at my brain.

Because many MM see an affair as no big deal in the grand scheme of things. It is an indulgence, a splurge. A reward to himself. Most don't think the wife will ever find out, so they often don't see it as a true threat until they have a close call or get caught.

There are many things in life that people love and have to give up. Diabetics have to give up sugar. Maybe you have to trade in your sports car for a minivan. Maybe you are overweight and have to give up cheeseburgers. We all sacrifice things that we love for the greater good.

I think many MM love OW in an objectified way, like they do cheeseburgers, motorcycles and action movies. It's not really about OW, or the motorcycle...it's about what OW or the motorcycle DOES FOR HIM. It's about the feelings of excitement and/or satisfaction that these things, or OW, brings.

The marriage is the baseline, the constant, the permanent entity in his life that he usually won't even consider changing. BS may not live up to what he expected, she may have flaws, they may argue...but regardless, he married her and that's the wife he has. It's kind of like your kids....they may upset you and disappoint you...but you'd never consider trading them in. I think many MM view it like this.

Many MM also go into marriage with a realistic view. They know & expect "in love" feelings to fade, because they understand the chemical process of lust/limerance. They know that the relationship with OW would follow the same pattern. What would be the point of starting over, turning your family's life upside down, for feelings that are going to fade and evolve? MM enjoy the lust/limerance with OW in the context of the affair, living in the moment. They know it's going to have an expiration date, but they'll enjoy it while it lasts.

Some MM do expect the "in love" feelings to last and have unrealistic expectations in their marriage. They want their wife to lust after them like she did in the beginning. They may blame the wife or the marriage because they have unrealistic expecations and strongs needs for attention and external validation.

Ont the other hand, many MM do not see their marriage as "bad". Just comfortable and lacking excitement. This doesn't mean that there is something wrong with the marriage, or that the marriage is unhealthy. Most relationships calm down and become comfortable & routine. Many MM expect this to happen, and don't consider it to be a reason to leave the marriage. It's supposed to happen, from his perspective. It happened to his parents, his brothers, his friends marriages. This type of MM often has realistic expectations for his marriage, and is content in the marriage, but has OW as a supplement.

So in most cases, it's not about the health of the marriage or the MM wanting to replace his wife. It's about his own personal feelings of entitlement. What he feels he deserves. His thought process may be "I provide for my family, work long hours, love my wife, coach my kids soccer team, clean out the garage, volunteer at school, take my mother to her dr appts, mow the lawn. I deserve this." It's an indulgence. I personally limit my carb intake because it keeps me in shape, but sometimes I think "I've been good all week, I've done my squats, planks & lunges. I deserve a bag of Utz chips and some Tastycakes." It's the same thought process.

However, the affair is a much more selfish act, because it has the potential to hurt others. This is why I think the decision is often character related, because they choose an indulgence that requires dishonesty and disregard for the feelings of those they claim to love.

May 15, 2013

Because many MM see an affair as no big deal in the grand scheme of things. It is an indulgence, a splurge. A reward to himself. Most don't think the wife will ever find out, so they often don't see it as a true threat until they have a close call or get caught.

Yes. H was so shocked that I found out, that I was so devestated by a non-sexual affair that wasn't an exit affair. It took him a while to understand why I was so blown away.

May 15, 2013

I don't duty alone trumps love. I think you have to look at it differently. His duty, love for his wife & family and other parts of him and his life "trump" the affair relationship and love.

On another note, Bella, I'm sorry you're hurting and that you're upset by the way things ended. I think that the fact that you all crossed the friendship line is why it ended the way he did. Once you cross that line into an affair, and the affair ends, there isn't really a way to go back to that (at least, in the MM's life, maybe?)

Edited May 15, 2013 by sweet_pea

May 15, 2013

All I ever expected is respect for me as a woman.

Respect is earned, I do wonder how many MM respect the OW who expect so little and put up with so much

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OK....so duty trumps love!

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