really need advce on casual hook ups

[RogerWallace111]

Stop over thinking it. You have no idea who you will meet or in what context. If you meet someone you like then bang him.

 

ok there we go ! truth

[Leigh 87]

Roger Wallace - I am sorry about your last failed R. I am hurting badly over mine, yet you know, I AM looking forward to the future!

 

I enjoy getting to know guys and.. you know, experiencing that thrill where your both enjoying each other sexually and there is chemistry there...

 

I was totally closed OFF to that when I was with my ex: he was the ONLY man I thought about in that regard.

 

I am also trying to figure out the lines between being "into" someone enough to want to get to know them more and more, and just LIKING and RESPECTING and being ATTRACTED.

 

Unlike you, my ex and I were happier in a relationship than alone. It is a great thing to have someone to come home to every night, and who you can share every joy and setback in life with.

 

There is a huge sense of security you have by being in a committed relationship.. You just have that person that is always there for you sexually, and as a best friend.

 

I guess we both need to find someone who we have chemistry with and who would enjoy being sexual with us, and who we still like to talk to!

 

Anything deeper than " being attracted to them and enjoying talking to them" is probably over thinking it too much!

[joystickd]

I am 120 lbs almost, curvy body type, average looking yet have my fans. I am at college. I have a unique fashion sense and love life in general and am a very positive person.

You are more than just average looking. I would say above average

[nerd]

I guess what I need is the occasional fling with a person I meet out once (as I do not do one night stands).

 

I will give you a scenario I think I will ENJOY and handle reasonably!

 

Leigh meets a guy at bar or club. We get along well, he enjoys my company, and is obviously keen to have casual fun.

 

If he agrees to hang out in a sober setting, to watch movies and THEN have some wine together, we will have a fling.

 

To prevent it from becoming a casual arrangement, it will be a 2 or 3 time thing, to prevent any sort of feelings from developing.

 

How does that sound? I talk to a guy, we arrange to meet up and hang out and fool around a couple of times to help satisfy each others needs.

 

I will not do it often, as I much prefer a loving relationship and the sex that is involved in that context.

 

I think you're still in an in-between zone that will be too confusing. A lot of guys are looking for strictly ONS, not two or three night stands. The additional stands will probably indicate some emotional involvement.

 

And if I were out looking for a casual fling, the bolded part would just be weird to me. If I'm looking for a fling, I don't want that part of it. that's what I do with a girl I like and want more than just sex with.

 

If that's the kind of scenario you want to screen out, great, but I'm not sure who will pass the filter...

[Leigh 87]

You are more than just average looking. I would say above average

 

 

 

Thanks:)

 

On average though, I am average when asked by a large group of men what they think of me. I am guessing.

 

I do always tend to have men who think I am very attractive, but not ALL men I meet will think that I presume.

 

You know, I am just like most other women! Some men think we are genuinely beautiful, where as others do not.

 

The way I present myself is what will attract men. How I wear my clothes, whether I am a positive and up lifting women to be around, if I like to talk about a wide range of topics, and if I can make them laugh.

[Leigh 87]

I think you're still in an in-between zone that will be too confusing. A lot of guys are looking for strictly ONS, not two or three night stands. The additional stands will probably indicate some emotional involvement.

 

And if I were out looking for a casual fling, the bolded part would just be weird to me. If I'm looking for a fling, I don't want that part of it. that's what I do with a girl I like and want more than just sex with.

 

If that's the kind of scenario you want to screen out, great, but I'm not sure who will pass the filter...

 

 

Yeah that sounds about right and makes sense to me.

 

I guess I should just focus on not doing it very often.

 

I guess a night out is enough to have a make up touch session. I mean, is liking me enough to want to see me again a bad thing necessarily that will lead to a serious relationship?

 

I do not want to just hook up with guys who hate me for gods sake.

 

Surely it is possible to just find a dude who likes me as a person and is willing to agree to sexually help me out every now and again?>?????

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know guys can like you and respect you, without wanting a long term R?

[nerd]

I'd suggest the following, but each has its own emotional entanglements and other issues. None are exactly what you're looking for, but they're the most common scenarios, and I guess you can adjust as you see fit.

 

Friends with benefits

 

Affairs with married men

 

People in open relationships

 

 

Up to you I think.

[therhythm]

Just based on what you've been saying, I would say you are NOT cut out for the casual sex thing.

 

Seriously...it's been mentioned...but casual sex is just that...casual. It requires very little thinking or planning.

 

The fact that you started a thread on something as trivial as brushing your teeth in the morning says a lot.

 

^^This^^

 

You find a guy you like, you get your cloths off and let the rest happen...

 

No need of extra thinking.

 

Just be safe!

[Leigh 87]

There is no way I would let a man who was married or in a committed relationship anywhere near my vagina.

 

FWB is IDEAL, as it is what I always enjoyed successfully before my long term R, before loveshack.

 

FWB or a one night thing every now and again; picture being at a part or bar, to find a guy who really enjoys chatting to me, and who I have chemistry with, who is also after a bit of touching and casual fun.

 

I would not be able to do casual one nighters very often though! I mean, I am much more of a relationship girl! It would be a bit of drunken and casual fun with guys to let off some sexual tension occasionally!

[pcplod]

What does the head of the pin you are proposing to dance on actually look like, apart from not being very big, of course?

[mesmerized]

Yes, OF F*CKING COURSE there are easy-come-easy-go, yet good-intentioned guys who like to pleasure females. And who will sincerely find you fun to be around.

 

Case-closed.

 

You'll be able to find one. Just avoid getting impatient and jumping for one who's a self-absorbed type of "lover".

 

Really? Didn't know as a man you can comment on that one!

 

Most men who want casual don't want to do date type thing stuff with the women they're having casual sex with. The ones that do are rare and are usually the more social type.

[colombiana28]

i'm still trying to figure out the meaning of "make up touch session" and "casual fun." what does this entail? will you at least give a handjob? I don't understand why giving a BJ is for a committed relationship but receiving oral is ok to do?

 

just want to prepare you: any guy is going to be suuuuper disappointed with this "arrangement." ones that aren't are probably developing feelings and falling for you and you'll end up crushing them because you're not in a place to start a new relationship. it just seems like you could really get yourself into a tough situation. I've been there, I know.

[Els]

i'm still trying to figure out the meaning of "make up touch session" and "casual fun." what does this entail? will you at least give a handjob? I don't understand why giving a BJ is for a committed relationship but receiving oral is ok to do?

 

just want to prepare you: any guy is going to be suuuuper disappointed with this "arrangement." ones that aren't are probably developing feelings and falling for you and you'll end up crushing them because you're not in a place to start a new relationship. it just seems like you could really get yourself into a tough situation. I've been there, I know.

 

Pretty much this. Leigh, this is the point that most of us are making, and you are refusing to address it. Instead, you keep talking about how you shouldn't be considered 'slutty' for wanting casual arrangements and how you look decent enough to get a guy for casual sex - none of us have mentioned anything to the contrary!

[RogerWallace111]

Really? Didn't know as a man you can comment on that one!

 

Most men who want casual don't want to do date type thing stuff with the women they're having casual sex with. The ones that do are rare and are usually the more social type.

 

Yeah ?! You didn't know ?? Happy to have enlightened you.

 

If you're suggesting that I wouldn't truly be able to identify with how an arrangement like that might affect the female then that's separate point. But as far as the male end- yes, there are guys who are down to hook up and hang out/have a few drinks. I am one of them. I've done the same thing several times in the past few months. But there's always been sex, not sure how many would go for strictly going down (I had overlooked that point before). And yes, the girl in my arrangement has had some trouble with it regardless of initial verbal agreements. So if that's what you mean- yes, it can be tough.

[pteromom]

Yeah that sounds about right and makes sense to me.

 

I guess I should just focus on not doing it very often.

 

I guess a night out is enough to have a make up touch session. I mean, is liking me enough to want to see me again a bad thing necessarily that will lead to a serious relationship?

 

I do not want to just hook up with guys who hate me for gods sake.

 

Surely it is possible to just find a dude who likes me as a person and is willing to agree to sexually help me out every now and again?>?????

 

You seem to PLAN too much. And you have too many expectations. Life is an adventure. Go out, have fun, and see what happens. If you meet a guy you have chemistry with, you can decide whether you want to mess around with him or not. If you find someone you enjoy talking to, you can decide if you want to keep it just friends or not.

 

You are constructing this little box that your experiences need to fit neatly into, and life doesn't work that way. Let go of all the possible scenarios you are planning, and just go out and LIVE.

 

You will likely make mistakes. That's part of life. But as long as you learn from them, you will only grow from them.

 

BTW, I missed the post about your break-up! What happened?

[pteromom]

f course I'll have 10 "people of moral character and integrity" screaming at me how wrong I am, how they're such awesome people and still believe in casual sex and that I'm nothing but a closed-minded judgmental prude. Doesn't matter what they say. They are in denial about who they really are.

 

Maybe they aren't in denial, but maybe they define their moral character and integrity differently than you do. "Integrity" really just means someone is living their life in a way that is true to their sense of right and wrong.

 

What is right and wrong to you isn't necessarily what is right and wrong to someone else.

 

And no, I don't think you are closed-minded or a prude. I just think you have a different set of values than some others.

 

Personally, I have no issue with casual sex if both people are mature enough to handle it and if it isn't flying in the face of *their* integrity and values. And yes, I am an awesome person.

[Mme. Chaucer]

The entire premise of this thread is emotionally SUPER unhealthy, especially considering that you have only been broken up from the true love of your life (if we take you seriously) for about a week and have been in contact with him 3 or for days ago, if not even more recently.

 

Get honest and real, please. This is insane.

[sillyanswer]

Having got to the end of the thread (so far) the best contribution I have is to suggest that if you need this much advice on casual hookups then perhaps they aren't for you, right now.

 

I'm imagining a future where you don't heed this advice and then there's a 20-page post-mortem thread from the casual hookup you'll have. It isn't pretty.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm imagining a future where you don't heed this advice and then there's a 20-page post-mortem thread from the casual hookup you'll have. It isn't pretty.

 

Deep in the archives is this very thread, from the OP, triggered by her last "casual hook-up." It was alarming.

 

Leigh. If you meet a guy you want to screw, I guess you could screw him. Just use condoms. Or, you might focus on what is actually going on in your life right now instead of these utterly ridiculous conjectures.

 

That's the whole thread in a nutshell for you.

[BluEyeL]

I guess Leigh is missing/afraid she'll miss the sex she's losing through her break up. I can testify that yes, there is a withdrawal phase at the beginning, but after a few months of being celibate, the less you have it, the less you need it

[bac]

It is impossible for any girl to find a man who likes and respects her, yet is comfortable with having casual relations.

 

Yes, only jerks like casual sex. I mean he is going to treat you as a jerk.

 

Your looks, personality and intelligence are totally irrelevant if you are looking for FWBs.

 

 

It is very easy for any girl to find a guy who LIKES her for just some casual fun with her p....y.

[Leigh 87]

Chaucer - I do believe Andrew could have been a great love of my life. In fact, I would love to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. Unfortunately, he obviously does not feel the same way; therefore I need to stick to NC (even though he contacts ME via text), block his NUMBER< and move on a bit more each day.

 

Look I was not trying to make a big deal of it! I did need to ask around about casual relations, because evidently, I needed to hear more about the consequences and likely outcomes out there.

 

And my LAST casual thing did not work out for reasons pertaining to my PAST.

 

Chaucer - in the past, I ALWAYS had casual relations and I did just fine that way. I do not catch feelings easily through hooking up alone.

 

The hook up I wrote about? I suffered an eating disorder and I had not been intimate with a man for 5 years! I freaked out.

 

I am at the stage where, by late June, I should be just fine to have a kiss or hook up on my trip if it happens that way.

 

However, I am not expecting it, it will just be fun if it were to happen.

 

....................................................................

 

 

Thanks to the advice that others have imparted on me, I am now more aware of what the deal is in this area.... I have to NOT think or plan it anymore, and just let it happen if it does. And safe.

 

If I start to catch feelings or vice versa, obviously I need to cut contact, seeing as I will still be in love with my ex for a good while, and am in no position to put myself out there for anything other than a fling.

[Leigh 87]

I like to talk about casual flings after dating, because it is a phase I will be ready to enter into soon. I enjoy reading other peoples experiences.

 

Please do not be mistaken; I am not going out and desperately hoping to... meet men for flings LOL.

 

I am going out tonight to a bar with a friend, to see his friend sing. Chatting to men is the last thing on my mind.

 

I am smart enough to realise that I SHOULD NOT plan these things. Sure, it is a nice bonus if a cute guy comes and chats to me, and we hit it off. What is more likely though, is that I will talk to my friend all night, feel happy to have him to chat to like usual, and have a nice night of talking and being distracted from Andrew.

 

IN LIFE: I know 100% that things just happen when you least expect them to. My relationship with the ex came out of the blue, for both of us. Likewise, meeting cute guys just happens. I welcome it, but I am just expecting to live life without men in it, in any way.

 

I feel after 2 mnths post break up, I can handle an overseas fling.

[Leigh 87]

By the way,

 

I have an acquaintance who thinks I am a really nice girl, and who has also been very attracted to me and is extremely eager to be able to hang out with me and get to touch me sexually, lol.

 

NOT ANY TIME SOON, but after my trip it will be approaching 3 mths post break up, and therefore I should be ready to hang out with this potentially FWB and see if I am comfortable with him enough to be sexual.

 

He is good looking enough, and genuinely likes me as a person. I told him exactly what I was looking for: no sex, but rather a friend to watch movies with and do sexual things with. He just seemed happy at he prospect of having that with me.

 

I WILL NOT get feelings for him at least. I have been around him as a friend before and there is really nothing there. From my part anyways....

 

This is just something I will consider months after my break up, if I am horny and want some action, and with a guy who has agreed to be respectful of what I want.

 

He said he would never be disrespectful and push for sex if I am not comfortable with it. He

 

Well there you go. You never know, maybe in a few months I will be fine to have a make out session once every month, just to.. you know, get it out of my system!

[SmileFace]

I think it is so weird you are planning on having a casual hook up three months away.

I can't get over that point.