Leigh 87 Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 How long after a serious break up, do you find yourself finding other nice men to date? I have a friend, an older friend, in her late 30's, who's partner of 15 years left her for another women. She was devastated, yet because she implemented no contact, kept a diary, and worked on herself, after about 3 months she told me that she just woke up one morning and realised that she could start thinking about other men. So it took her 3 months, after the end of a 15 year R. Not long after she met her now husband and she is BLISSFULLY happy. I look to her as a success story, as I see people around here who are still crying over their exes MONTHS later. I was completely heartbroken about Andrew, but you know, it seems silly to be pining for your ex and crying over them still, if you are TRULY bettering yourself and going NC. I cannot fathom pining over Andrew for months to come, and not allowing myself to connect with other men. I mean, I love him still, but why do people hold off from being happy just because of a failed relationship? After a week I am back to being just as happy as I was while with him, and I am very excited about the future with me and dating, albeit casual dating for a long time until I find someone very special, and without looking for it either. Is anyone else in this position that I am in: where they are looking very forward to casually dating and having fun in that area? I am waiting until late June to start dating and casually having fun again with men; when I travel on a Contiki tour. I may not find a guy on the tour who is into me though, which is fine. I do not want to put pressure on myself, but just be open to it if it does happen. How long does it take to move on for you guys? From a serious relationship mind you...
tbf Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 The length of time has varied. The primary reason why people avoid getting into anything serious too soon after a breakup, has to do with being considerate of others and not rebounding on them. It also has to do with working on yourself so you're capable of fueling an emotionally healthy relationship, rather than emotionally vampiring someone else. 2
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 I am not close to being in another serious relationship. I need therapy for a year or so, and to be living my life to the fullest for a year.
Star Gazer Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 The length of time has varied. The primary reason why people avoid getting into anything serious too soon after a breakup, has to do with being considerate of others and not rebounding on them. It also has to do with working on yourself so you're capable of fueling an emotionally healthy relationship, rather than emotionally vampiring someone else. For the above reasons, Leigh, you should NOT be dating right now. 1
Keenly Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Took me five months out of a two year relationship to look myself in the mirror and tell myself I was ready. Now if only there was a willing counterpart.
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 My friend who moved on after 5 or so months was mentally strong and healthy, unlike I am right now. Hence why she moved on so fast. Plus her ex left her for another women, leaving her with no hope that he would come back. I am the exact opposite to her in this regard. Although I am a genuinely happy person and I enjoy living life, rather than focusing on what I do not have (since I have more than enough in life to be very happy about). Because I enjoy life still, that comes with connecting with other men and enjoying myself in that regard. I like the excitement that occurs when you interact and casually have fun with new men who are into you. I know myself a lot better since Andrew, and I know that while I have always been able to enjoy casual hook ups, that I now need to at least do it with a guy who is into me! I would feel disgusting giving myself up to a guy who was not that keen on me lol. What I want is: to meet men I can have fun with, who are into me and really think highly of me as a person. I want to have casual fun with people who AT LEAST like and respect me! I would like to have fun on my tour, as casual fun with one man would really enhance the trip! But yes, it may not happen that way. I am just open to it at this stage. I know looking for love and looking for casual fun is the worst thing you should do after a break up. Being open to it is one thing; seeking it out, when you still love your ex is asking for trouble! You know - I feel women who go out of their way to look for new men to date after a serious break up, will only end up getting hurt when they do not find a guy who really likes them, and they find themselves desperately looking to fill a void....
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 For the above reasons, Leigh, you should NOT be dating right now. I do not want to date sorry; just to have casual fun. I just need to find people who like and respect me to have fun with. Not a situation more than two people who like each other and have good sex. Read: if I meet someone special, or if either of us like each other a little TOO much, I MUST cut contact and explain to them politely that I am not ready for any sort of relationship or even dating scenario.
Treasa Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Leigh, you have matured SO MUCH from the posts I remember reading in the past. Keep it up, girl!
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 Leigh, you have matured SO MUCH from the posts I remember reading in the past. Keep it up, girl! thanks. I am way more mature than my ex at least. lol. Now if only there were some nice guys on my tour.... I do not want to talk to new guys about anything personal, just chat about who we are as people and the things that we enjoy talking about. I just think that yes, I should still be able to have fun with men without having to get into some relationship with them. I have learnt boundaries though from the past casual experiences; I need the dude to genuinely like and respect me, or the whole casual experience turns bad. And I do not do sex with casuals. Just everything else. And only if they are into me enough to give without expecting me to HAVE to return straight away lol.
FitChick Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Plenty of men would be interested in a ONS or FWB with you.
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 Plenty of men would be interested in a ONS or FWB with you. I hope so. But I need them to genuinely like me as a person. I cannot just open my legs to a guy who is not even into me. To me, that is sick. You know what I mean? I to both LIKE each other, but not enough to be in a long term R with.
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 I am losing weight and working out again now, so I will be looking much better than when I was wish Andrew. Hmm I wonder if there will be any guys on the tour who like curvy blondes lol. I am heading towards 120 lbs at 5'5 and a curvy build right now. I comfort ate in my relationship, cos it seemed like I was so happy without having to bother being physically or mentally healthy. Now that I am working on other things in life that are making me happy, such as finishing first semester at college in the degree of my dreams at last, and spending a lot of time with friends.... I know this will be more attractive to men, opposed to when I was lazy and not driven enough to make things happen in my life. The losing weight is just.. icing on the cake really lol. In terms of my attractiveness improving. There may be no one on the tour who fancies me though, so I guess it is more of a preference than something I will be upset about (if it does not happen) Being perfectly honest, I do want to be the first one to move on and have with other people before Andrew does. The thing with NC is: in a month, and by the trip in late June, if I am being honest with myself and truly bettering myself, I will not CARE who is the first to move on with other people again.
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 I was hit harder when some short term relationships ended than the LTR. I remember when I was seeing a guy intensly for 2 months and he abruptly ended it, I was in bed crying for a week. I never cried over my LTR and casually hooked up with someone I met at the pool 4 days later. I had crush on yet another guy 2 weeks later. I never missed my ex for a second, and it's slightly disturbing to me since we lived together for a year.
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 I was hit harder when some short term relationships ended than the LTR. I remember when I was seeing a guy intensly for 2 months and he abruptly ended it, I was in bed crying for a week. I never cried over my LTR and casually hooked up with someone I met at the pool 4 days later. I had crush on yet another guy 2 weeks later. I never missed my ex for a second, and it's slightly disturbing to me since we lived together for a year. Wow. I Have never had a whirl wind romance that swept me of my feet. I would have been devastated early on with Andrew, and I was devastated when he left after over two years of living together. I have not been in bed crying for a week though?!?! And I was madly in love with him too. I still do love him, but you know how it is:mad: I can guarantee that I will not be heartbroken over another guy because I will not be over Andrew then, by late June. I will merely be enjoying life and trying to move on and have fun with new people. There is no way anyone can live up to the fun Andrew was to be around anyway, I do not have my heart open to new love.
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