Very painful breakup... trouble coping.

[ddlovexx]

Been with my guy almost a year, thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm 22, he's 24, but never had a relationship quite like this one. He started getting distant once he got his new job, 65 hours a week. I had to learn to cope with only seeing him 2-3 times a week (only because he would choose to go to sleep other days instead). He went from talking about our future and saying he wanted to marry me one day to not putting me first and being hot/cold. Went from talking to me sweetly to not complimenting me at all for 5 months, not going out of his way, etc. Still, every time I tried to talk to him, he said he was tired/stressed but still loved me more than anything.

 

I asked for some space for a few days. This was not only to see if I wanted to keep the relationship, but to refresh myself and my mind. As hurt as I've been that the dynamic has changed, I've always been willing to fight and hold on. I figure he couldn't be stuck in this job forever and things can look up. Besides, they aren't always bad...this is just the bad story. Keep in mind, this ****ty behavior on his side only started 3-4 months ago and I've been very patient and understanding even when he's been a douche.

 

So he wound up giving me the silent treatment for a week. I kindly asked him multiple times to not do so, and he just blatantly ignored me. Saw him for 3 seconds, he was nasty with me. I told him if this wasn't what he wanted anymore, we are both adults and I'd rather sit down and talk about it... nobody deserves the silent treatment. The past few days have been agonizing hell for me, I'm completely heartbroken.

 

So through text basically I let him know that I didn't want to be with him anymore because of this and past behavior (cheating tendencies, lying... tried to move past it), but I wanted to say goodbye in person because we're adults. He gave me this long text about how he loves me, will always love me, no girl has ever been to him what I am, but that I want too much from him. In my defense, the kid doesn't take me out to dinner, doesn't buy me anything... heck when we do go out I even have to buy my own beer sometimes. I'm not materialistic and I deal with more than I should, but all I have ever, ever asked from him is love. He used to love me so much, look at me like I was his world, put me first, tell me I was beautiful, etc.

 

He keeps telling me that he loves me and will always love me and maybe things will work out in the future but he doesn't know. I keep telling him to cut the BS but he says if he didn't truly love me, he wouldn't say it. I say if he truly loved me, he wouldn't be walking away.

 

I'm absolutely crushed. He basically just gave up on us and walked away, as if we didn't share a love and a life together the past year. Didn't put up a fight, just said he was tired of hearing how hurt I was because he couldn't put me first. I feel abandoned. I'm going to see him tonight for the last time to pick something up, and I know I'm going to be a mess. I've been unable to eat or get out of bed, etc. That whole sorta thing. I know I need to try to move on to someone better, someone who will love me right. But I keep holding on to the past, when he USED to be amazing towards me and make me feel like I was on top of the world. How did it just stop? I've given him so much love. This past year has been amazing... How did he go from talking about moving in together and marrying me to pretending I don't exist? His family even loves me. How do I let go of this guy I imagined spending my life with? How could he break my heart?

 

And I just found out he's been telling everyone HE broke up with me. WHAT? It was mutual... what a douche move. Let's just keep pouring salt on my wounds...

Been reading "It's A Breakup Because It's Broken", been confiding in friends, etc. I just want the pain to stop. I want to breathe again and be able to get out of bed and feel hopeful. My chest hurts. I can't deal with the whole 180, how this perfect guy turned into this? Right now I just want to sleep and never wake up.

 

Any help is appreciated... please. xo

Edited May 14, 2013 by ddlovexx

[BC1980]

He sounds somewhat immature, giving you the silent treatment and all. I know what you are going through. It's so hurtful for someone to basically trash the time you spent together and act like it's not worth working on. I've learned from my breakup that some people just don't want to work at a relationship at all. It's sad because you end up wasting your time.

[TaraMaiden]

He may be 2 years older than you chronologically, but he sounds immature and selfish.

 

His brain is actually not 'fully cooked' yet (to be honest, neither is yours, biologically speaking) but I think, sadly, you happen to have the march on him.

 

I'm sorry for you.

It' sad.

 

(65 hours a week working is killingly excessive! What the hell does he do? Is he obligated contractually to work those hours - ?!)

 

The greatest gift we can give our loved ones, is our time.

He has prioritised things in an unfortunate way - and you find yourself relegated to a back seat.

 

Furthermore, he's lying about how your relationship ended - obviously this puts him in a better, stronger light.

In control.

Whereas, in fact, you know different....

 

I'm sorry, but I think you're right to walk, on this one.

 

Read the link in my signature, about No Contact.

 

it will help you put things into perspective, and hopefully, resolve this favourably for yourself.....

[ddlovexx]

I'm too scared to block his number just incase... who knows... you know how we are at this stage of a breakup!

 

But I unfollowed his instagram, defriended him, and I ripped up all the pictures and I plan on rearranging my room. The issue is that every single little thing reminds me of him... we spent the past year together and did everything we could together. Now I can't go to the same places or do the same things, I have to rearrange my life and my heart just hurts so much that he just up and left... how can he say he loves me but do this? I don't know ugh

 

Thank you

[Chief Wiggum]

His excuses seem quite lame. And considering his past behaviour of cheating, I wouldn't be surprised if he met someone else during that period when he was growing distant for you.

 

You're too young to let this experience get you down. You did the right thing in ending it with him. Something you actually should have done the moment you found out he has a tendency to cheat and lie. That is someone who 100% you do not need to be getting married to. Absolutely no way. Count your blessings, petal, and move on.

[BC1980]

Everything will remind you of him for awhile. It's awful, no doubt. The best thing I have done it to get rid of all pics, ect. Anything that reminds me of him. It's a must I think. I deleted all pics from my phone, gave back all the cards he wrote me. Just give yourself some time and space.

[siankat]

Ricearoni?

[ddlovexx]

I spoke to him last night, in person as I had to pick something up. He said he doesn't want it to be over but we both need time to clear our heads and get our **** together.

 

I told him it was a douche move to tell people he broke up with me, when technically I left him and even so, it was more mutual than anything. He apologized. But I told him it was over, gave him a kiss and walked away.

 

I know deep down he expects me to wait, but I'm not. I woke up this morning feeling amazing. Just like that, I snapped. I'm so grateful for the love we shared-- I'm not bitter or angry or even really sad anymore... but I don't want him anymore. I deserve someone who will love me unconditionally, and so until then it's all about me. GO ME. haha

[OzHeartache]

 

I know deep down he expects me to wait, but I'm not. I woke up this morning feeling amazing. Just like that, I snapped. I'm so grateful for the love we shared-- I'm not bitter or angry or even really sad anymore... but I don't want him anymore. I deserve someone who will love me unconditionally, and so until then it's all about me. GO ME. haha

 

 

Wish I could do that .......congrats, Great attitude!

[TaraMaiden]

Wish I could do that

 

.....give me any logical reason why you can't.

[OzHeartache]

.....give me any logical reason why you can't.

 

 

Yeah I know I will get there, My head knows I will but at the moment the heart is clouding my judgment

 

Only found out 2 days ago after a 2 month "space/break" that my GF of over a year decided that she wants to have a family and kids (as Do I) but she wants them with someone that doesn't have them already ( I have a little boy from a previous marriage)

 

I know its her choice but cant help feeling shattered and not good enough but I know I'll get there eventually (especially with the awesome support on this website)

[TaraMaiden]

Only found out 2 days ago after a 2 month "space/break" that my GF of over a year decided that she wants to have a family and kids (as Do I) but she wants them with someone that doesn't have them already ( I have a little boy from a previous marriage)

 

That's a bit crushing, and actually, seems selfish, on the face of it.

 

Just jumping to conclusions here, but I would read from that, that she doesn't want her child and yours to have to share your love with just your child....

 

I may be wrong, but if that IS the basis of her reasoning, it's pretty shallow.....

 

I'm sorry for your pain. I can see why that feels crappy.

[OzHeartache]

That's a bit crushing, and actually, seems selfish, on the face of it.

 

Just jumping to conclusions here, but I would read from that, that she doesn't want her child and yours to have to share your love with just your child....

 

I may be wrong, but if that IS the basis of her reasoning, it's pretty shallow.....

 

I'm sorry for your pain. I can see why that feels crappy.

 

 

Thanks Tara, Yeah she said in her email "I know its selfish but" (Ya think!!! )

 

I think its more the ex also, My ex and I still have a great relationship as it just didn't work but we have a child together so no point hating each other ........... I don't think she really could get past that (which is crazy as this is actually a GOOD thing and will mean less stress for all involved surely!?)

 

But maybe your right too, I don't know but in the end, bottom line is she doesn't want to be with me and nothing I can do can change that (Even though I loved her a lot)...... Just so unfair but I guess that life, Just have to hope there is someone out there for me........ I really hope so but for now I need to concentrate on me and learn to love myself again (I gave her everything and have nothing left.......Lesson Learned!! )

 

Just not sure how I go about it but I will get there im sure........... just going to take time as everyone keeps saying (wish there was a fast forward button!! )

[TaraMaiden]

Oz, maybe my comments and contributions, in this thread, may be helpful...

 

Take a look, see what you think.

 

[OzHeartache]

Oz, maybe my comments and contributions, in this thread, may be helpful...

 

Take a look, see what you think.

 

 

 

Thank you Tara (always love reading your advice on this site, you have a great way of cutting through the BS to get to the main point)

 

I know I just need to accept this and move on

 

Its her decision and as much as I’m angry at her right now for doing this to us, It’s what she wants and no amount of thinking or wishing will change it (Besides I know she will regret it down the line and realise what she threw away! and besides........Do I really want to be with someone that is this selfish and self absorbed ??)

 

This has always been my problem, A dreamer, hopeless romantic and I see the world through Rose coloured glasses and when I commit, I give 100% and leave nothing back of myself for myself

I know this yet stopping it is a lot harder to do but if I don’t get a handle on this, It’s going to keep happening to me

 

I need to build my self confidence and self-worth back up because I know I don’t have any right now……. I am keeping busy, doing things for me and trying to be happy (even though I really don’t feel like doing any of this and im lying to myself but as they say, “You have to keep faking it till you make it”)………… Trying to use that big pile of manure dumped on me to fertilise my garden !!

[ddlovexx]

I have my good days and bad days but I've been struggling. I miss him and I don't understand how he could say he loves me and do this. I blocked his number but I just miss everything... memories are a killer.