rosy1234 Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 (edited) Lately I feel like my boyfriend is lazy and taking me for granted, and am seeking perspective and advice! I’m early twenties woman; work 2 jobs (20-30 hours week), go to school full time (graduating this summer) and still live at home (moving out this fall). My boyfriend is older than me, never went to college, but has been successful in his work. He lives on his own. We’ve been together 10 months and are compatible in many ways; I enjoy his company, BUT He’s been unemployed for the last 5.5 months, but has so far not seemed motivated to find a job. I understand wanting a break from his work (toward the end he was working 50-60 hour weeks, sometimes 6 days a week), but I feel there hits a time limit where one needs to work, and he’s past that. I have NOT nagged him about it because I feel like as long as he’s the one paying his bills, then it’s not my place, BUT I do think that it is important to notice because if a man is doing this while he’s single, what does this say about when/if we marry? He’s agreed to start looking this month after he said he should start and I said that would be a good idea. Whether he follows through? I don’t know. So basically, this guy has nothing but time on his hands! He’s actively involved in an organization that takes up 2 evenings a week (m-f) and a Saturday once a month. I’ve always supported his involvement and never asked him to choose between it and me because I know it is important to him and he’s helping others. I work/have school 2 evenings a week (m-f), and out of my 3 free evenings his organization takes up 2. I sometimes go with and help out on Friday nights, which is cool. So really this leaves us 1 free night together during the work week. He complained about not knowing my ever changing work schedule and whether it was okay to text/call, hang out, etc. (I’ve told him it’s always okay to do so anytime as I check my phone on breaks), and I made out a monthly schedule with all of my work and school hours so he could have them to know what was going on with me. I’m on a two week break from school and what do you think he’s done during that one free evening every week? He’s spent it working on his car! (Washing, buffing, waxing, etc. not mechanical!). He’ll then spend a night I’m working going to a museum, library or something. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t spend time with me on our one free evening (maybe hitting up the museum together), and move his car to a night I’m working, but he doesn’t. We see each other Saturdays and Sundays, but he knows my work schedule is shifting which will require me to work more of them (still will have Saturday nights and Sundays though). This weekend we were supposed to go to an art show (he researched it, asked me to go 2 weeks ago, and asked me to put it on the calendar I gave him which I did), but he forgot and agreed to help his sister do yard work telling me via text I could come if I wanted too. He knows it’s a weekend where I work Saturday and he knows we had plans for Sunday together; all he has to do is check the calendar, but so far no apology or anything. He knows I was looking forward to going (but what he doesn’t know is that I’m just going to skip his organization and go Friday night without him). I’ve never restricted his time with friends or family, because they are important too! He never calls me (unless he wants to come over and borrow something), but will text me maybe twice a week M-F. He always says he’ll text me on Monday when he leaves Sunday, but it is usually Wed before I hear from him. I reciprocate his texts, but always feel like a bother since he doesn’t really flirt back in the texts. He always wants to hang out at my place, but he ends up falling asleep on the couch (in which case I leave him there and just go watch a movie myself), complains about boring TV (no cable), or is on my computer for a few hours. I’ve suggested playing a game, but he doesn’t want too. I want to go out, he doesn’t always want to and sometimes ends up talking to my dad for 1.5 -2 hours about guys stuff while I’m bored. Last weekend he came over Friday, worked on his car most of the evening, went to his organization Saturday, come over, feel asleep, came over Sunday after visiting his mom and feel asleep again before we went for a bike ride (he complained how far it was, but I told him we could turn back anytime), and was on my computer for 2 hours after. If he does want to get together m-f he texts me asking if he can come over in 30-60 minutes (usually around 6:30 or 7 at night). Occasionally I agree, but most of the time I tell him no because I’m busy/have plans and that I need more notice (a couple of hours, earlier in the day, night before etc.). It doesn’t seem to bother him that he can’t see me because I’m already out doing something because he wouldn’t take the time to ask ahead of time. I sometimes ask him to hang out, but he doesn’t always want too. If he does come over, he’s usually late. 5 or 10 minutes would be okay, but often he’s 15-30 minutes…sometimes hours; sometimes I get a text, sometimes I don’t. I suggest hanging out as his place, but often he doesn’t. We only are sexual once a month now because he doesn’t want to do it more often. Sometimes when we do go out, he asks to go dutch now. He never did before and I eagerly switch off paying (he pays, I pay), but it seems like if I pay for something, he’ll ask to split the next one (usually it’s not even expensive, it’s maybe a sandwich from subway), before he picks up the next check. I often cook and make 1-2 meals a week which he eats and I pay for, but he has only cooked once for me in 10 months, so I feel a bit slighted when he asks me to pick up my $3 sandwich after I paid $10 for us to go to the arcade and made dinner the night before. Long story short: I’m frustrated and I think understandably so (although I realize I’m partially to blame for letting things “slip” little by little,), but can’t understand if he’s just getting lazy and taking me for granted, in which case, any advice for talking with him? Or whether he’s just depressed and unmotivated because he isn’t working. Any advice is appreciated; thanks in advance Edited May 14, 2013 by rosy1234
Chief Wiggum Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 (edited) I think he's become very complacent. I've been guilty of this a few times in the past, but not to this extent. He's taking the piss a bit and, most likely, he's not aware of it because he's been allowed to get away with it. And yes, him being out of work has partially to do with it. I remember after graduating I too went on a 6-month break from studying and work; where I was enjoying the opportunity to be lazy. Unfortunately, this spilled into my relationship too and my then girlfriend grew frustrated by it. When I found a job and began working, it allowed me to get my act together and be more proactive. I once again valued the little free time I had (because of work, obviously) and made sure I injected more quality in to that time. It helped our relationship. My suggestion to you would be to simply threaten him. And by that I don't mean physical harm of course. You just have to scare him into thinking that you're gonna' end it with him if he continues the way he is. Because it sounds like he needs a shock to his system to wake him up from this sea of laziness that he's swimming in. Us fellas tend to fall into this trap a lot. We do get complacent at times and often we need reminding to get our act together. Edited May 14, 2013 by Chief Wiggum 1
Author rosy1234 Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 I do realize I shouldn't have let things hit this point, but it's so easy when it's just a little bit time by time, little bit month by month. I don't mind making exceptions (I understand people will be late or things will come up), but I feel now it is getting habitual/expected and I refuse to be a doormat. I know being out of work has a lot to do with it which is why I've been trying to be so patient with him, but that doesn't seem to be working. And I'd be more understanding if he was trying to get a job, but it's been 5.5 months of NOT trying, just being lazy and yes, there's been spill over into our relationship because he's not trying there either now. I figured I needed to do that, but wanted to make sure I gained an additional perspective (I don't want to be one of those needy, dramatic girlfriends) and go about this the best way possible because I really do love him, but if he's not going to show the same affection and caring for me as I do him, I won't stay because it's just not worth staying in a relationship like that. I'll talk with him about my concerns this weekend, but then the ball is in his court...if he doesn't beef up his efforts the next couple of weeks, well as much as I hate to say it, I guess he's had his chance. Can't do much more than that.... Thanks for the advice and personal insight; much appreciated!
mortensorchid Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Sweetheart, I read your story and it sounded very much like my last serious bf. In short, he was/is a loser. He builds things up and either quits on them or never starts things to begin with. He works marginally here and there, during the time I was with him he had no job and no car. I said it was fine with me because I accept others as they are (for the most part), because it has nothing to do with me. And why did he break it off? Because I was too good for him, and because, like I said, he's a loser. It doesn't matter your bf's level of education or his IQ or anything to that matter, he's a loser. Whichever one of you breaks it off it will be for the best in the long run.
Els Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 I don't think you're being demanding at all, and I think it's good that you're going to voice your concerns. The amount of effort he's putting in is completely at odds with how much free time he has. Good luck; hope things improve.
Treasa Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Find someone more deserving of you.
MidwestUSA Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Sex once a month? Sorry, deal breaker. Arcades? Um, if you are looking to be a mother, you're there! So sorry, you sound very put together. This guy has no ambition. Does he smoke pot? Sorry if you said so and I missed it. How long have you been "dating"?
RedRobin Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 OP, you've already put more time and effort into your original POST than I'd put into a guy like this... I can see how things have drifted this other direction over time... so I'm not beating you up about it. His pattern is pretty clear now, though, right? I hope that writing it down helped you see that. My guess is that you have probably told him you aren't happy about it for a long time, and he just blows it off as typical 'complaining' from women or whatever and continues on his merry way. Thing is, you can't make anyone do anything.... you can only decide what you are going to do about it. My advice is to ditch this loser ASAP. He's already sucked up too much of your time, and will only give you a negative impression of men and drag down your self esteem if you continue to stick around. You are also not available to meet other men while this barnacle is attached to you. Time to shuck him. 1
Author rosy1234 Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 Does he smoke pot? Sorry if you said so and I missed it. How long have you been "dating"? No booze and no drugs; only some smokeless tobacco. We've been together almost 10 months. I can see how things have drifted this other direction over time... so I'm not beating you up about it. His pattern is pretty clear now, though, right? I hope that writing it down helped you see that. Yes, it has been over time (and I was thinking after posting all of this, "wow!" Writing it down has made it much clearer!!). The first 8 months were great. The 9th month things started, but weren't all that bad, but now that we've been getting close to hitting month 10, it's like a complete turn around from month 8! I haven't talked with him yet or voiced concerns, because as I said, things were pretty great up until about 3-4 weeks ago. So now I'll be talking with him about my concerns and if he doesn't take my concerns seriously or change, then he won't have a girlfriend. I do appreciate everyone's advice and personal insights....can never have too much of that!
hppr Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Sounds like he's waiting for unemployment to run out before he goes looking for a job. Honestly that is typical although I'd quit buying him sandwiches. I guess it depends on how long you want to wait to see if he gets back to how he was before, working hard, making decent money so probably buying you things and taking you places etc.
Chief Wiggum Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 No booze and no drugs; only some smokeless tobacco. We've been together almost 10 months. Yes, it has been over time (and I was thinking after posting all of this, "wow!" Writing it down has made it much clearer!!). The first 8 months were great. The 9th month things started, but weren't all that bad, but now that we've been getting close to hitting month 10, it's like a complete turn around from month 8! I haven't talked with him yet or voiced concerns, because as I said, things were pretty great up until about 3-4 weeks ago. So now I'll be talking with him about my concerns and if he doesn't take my concerns seriously or change, then he won't have a girlfriend. I do appreciate everyone's advice and personal insights....can never have too much of that! If it's only been the last 3-4 weeks you've been having these issues, then dumping his ass -- as others have suggestion -- may be a tad bit harsh. Have the conversation with him. At least give him a warning before making any rash decisions.
Author rosy1234 Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 (edited) Sounds like he's waiting for unemployment to run out before he goes looking for a job. Honestly that is typical although I'd quit buying him sandwiches. I guess it depends on how long you want to wait to see if he gets back to how he was before, working hard, making decent money so probably buying you things and taking you places etc. It does, which is what is frustrating, because then what? He'll have spent the last 6-7 months goofing off and have to move back home if he can't get a job in time? I don't want a guy who is lacking motivation and resorts to that. He made decent money before (he's older than me, so further than his career and not going to college), so he makes a bit more money on unemployment than I do working and came into a fairly good sum of inheritance money as well. I don't expect him to spend it on me, but it seems odd he has money for new tools, new clothes, etc. but not to buy me a cheap dinner after I pay for our outing and cooking the night before? Most places we go are free (museums, nature center, libraries, etc.), so no cost, or are relatively inexpensive. I also love outdoor activities (bike riding, swimming, hiking), board games, etc. but he's just not into doing a lot lately which is frustrating.... If it's only been the last 3-4 weeks you've been having these issues, then dumping his ass -- as others have suggestion -- may be a tad bit harsh. Have the conversation with him. At least give him a warning before making any rash decisions. The lateness has done on since we met 10 months ago, but has only gotten progressively worse (more often, waits getting longer) in the last 1-2 months; texting has gone down in the last 1-2 months probably because he's not actually DOING anything, so feels like he has nothing to say; his lack of getting together has gone on and off a bit. He quit putting in the effort about 2 months ago, then tried a bit for a month and complained about not knowing my schedule because it fluctuates sometimes (he never wants to set it up a day or two in advance, just the evening of which doesn't work for me), so I fixed that by giving him a copy of my schedule so he'd know when I'm free, but now that I've done so, he still doesn't want to get together m-f for the last month or so and canceled on Sunday because he apparently doesn't check it (I wrote the event on there a couple of weeks ago after he asked me too). While I'm frustrated with him, I will have a talk before resorting to dumping because I do care for him and prefer not to loose him, and because it is only fair that I do so and give him a chance. Ultimately it will be up to him...he'll either compromise and meet me 1/2 way or won't, but that's his choice, and if he won't, then I guess it just won't work between us. Thanks all Edited May 16, 2013 by rosy1234
ChessPieceFace Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Sex once a month? Sorry, deal breaker. Arcades? Um, if you are looking to be a mother, you're there! What's wrong with video games as a form of entertainment? Guess what, the 80's generation has grown up, and we still like video games. Many couples I know play video games or board games together. So ridiculous (and insulting) to relegate games to only the realm of children. OP, your BF does sound way too complacent. Ideally you could have a talk with him / send him an email outlining your concerns like you did here (but more diplomatically.) Or you could tell him you're very unhappy, you want to decide whether you want to even continue the relationship and want to have some time apart. Wait him out, and if he gives a crap about you and what he'd be losing he'll step forward and get you back. He doesn't sound irredeemable to me, maybe he just needs to wake up and realize he can't drift through his life without consequences.
Recommended Posts