He's a lovely guy, but...

[Juliebug]

We have been dating for just over a year and a half. The honeymoon phase is over, I get that. What I don't understand is how he can completely blank me when there are more 'interesting' people around; I spent about half an hour at the pub the other night in complete and utter isolation because somebody from his football team happened to walk in. There was the occasional whispered 'Sorry!', but I don't think that solves the issue.

 

I am not the most confident and interactive person in the world, but I am not awkward, horrid, and offensive, either. I find it hard to make new friends and let loose. I try, though. I really, REALLY do. The thing is that I lose my cool around his friends; I get nervous, fidgety, smartphone-y. I am absolutely terrified about scaring them off somehow.

 

We met in his hometown, one of those places where everybody knows each other. I only moved here because of Uni, but when I met him it was perfect. However, I am having second thoughts.

 

We went to two weddings together, both of which ended in tears (on my side). He left me alone to an extent that was completely unbearable. He knows that I am not the most outoing person - I acknowledge and work on that! - but to be abandoned in a room full of strangers is pretty damn cruel. The reason he left was because he wanted t socialise with his friends. While that is fair enough, he was well aware that I was uncomfortable. His friend's girlfriends / wives / acquaintances are quite a bit older than I am (let's say about 10 years, meaning they are married with children while I have just finished Uni and am about to start my first 'grown-up' job).

 

I feel incredibly lonely. I don't think he ignores me out of viciousness. I think he simply does not understand how hurt I am. Don't get me wrong, I have brought this up before, but he isn't the talkative kind. Is it possible that he might just be too immature even though he is seven years older than me or do I need to give him the boot? I know which answer I'd prefer... I love the sh*t out of that man, but being the third wheel whenever somebody more interesting enters centre stage becomes pretty damn boring after a while.

 

Please let me know if you need any more info. Any input is much appreciated! Thanks x

[siankat]

Quite honestly honey, this is more a chance for you to work on being a bit more social or at least learning how to handle this type of situation as it won't be the last time it happens, with or without him - one of your examples, how he left you half an hour in the pub, is not that long and you should be cool with that. I would take these situations as an opportunity to build up my confidence with strangers, not to reprimand him in my own mind for 'abandoning me'. I visited my ex in another country, other language, and i was in a room with people way older than me i didn't know, nothing to do except chat to them in broken English, while he was getting on with his business with one of them. It was slightly awkward and i was a bit like 'huh throwing me in the deep end ok', but i didn't reproach him for it because handling being in a room full of strangers was my issue, not his. It's going to be a part of life at one time or another.

[Zahara]

I don't think the problem lies with him, but with you. I have a friend and she's married to a very sociable guy but she's extremely reserved and shy. It annoys the heck out of me when she complains and moans about how he's not by her side because he should be more understanding of her issues. I always tell, "Girl, fix those issues."

 

You either get out of your comfort zone, or stand the chance of having to deal with this in your future relationships, unless you date someone that has your social skills.

 

He's not being cruel or unkind. He's being himself. You, require your hand to be held because you can't cope. Time to step out and feel that discomfort. After awhile, you'll get used to it. It's all about practice and forcing yourself when you are most uncomfortable.

 

And about you being a third wheel when someone else walks in that is more interesting? You feel that way because you choose to isolate. You even label it with such negativity. I've had boyfriends leave me at a party or function and while it's uncomfortable, I hardly look at it as being a third wheel. It's my issue, not his. Just as how you prefer to isolate, he prefers to socialize. You can decide to break out of your shell and get over this hurdle or find someone that's more compatible with you when it comes to socializing.

Edited May 15, 2013 by Zahara