EyeOfTheBeholder Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Excuse me in advance for the lengthiness, but I feel like my situation is rather unique and the more background the better advice you guys can give me :-) I am 28 years old, my "gf" is 21 and we've been dating for about 3 months. We met when I was living abroad two years ago when she came to visit a mutual friend there. We flirted, hooked up a bit, and that was that. She came back again last year, and again same story. Then I came in January over to visit my parents in the Boston burbs, met her (shes from the area too), and things heated up a bit, and we both felt a spark. At that point my vacation was over and I went back abroad to my job and career, broken hearted for leaving her behind. She is finishing up college, and was planning to move to the same country where I was (that was her plan for a long time, from before we started "dating"), for a year long internship. But waiting that long would have been very difficult for us if we wanted to pursue any kind of relationship. Thinking how we could make this work, I made a proposition: She is in college still so she has to finish that first, but I was in a unique position where I wanted to quit my job, and change things up in my life a bit, so I decided to move back to Boston (parents live there), work on my career, education, and be with her, and when the time comes, if things are still great between us we can move back abroad together. I had never made such a huge decision based on a girl before, but I figured why the heck not, you only live once, itll be an experience. I also made sure it was a well calculated and responsible move financially and career wise, which it was, knowing that whatever happens happens with this girl, and it would be no big if things didnt work out with her (I still feel that way, and the move has proven to be a great decision regardless of what happens with her). In that time between leaving and coming back to live there (bout a month), we spoke everyday on the phone for an hour, and she kept nudging me to "come over already" how she misses me etc etc. At the same time we were discussing how we would make this work once im in the States, since she goes to college 2 hrs away from where I would live. She said I could come visit her once in a while, and she would come to me, and it seemed like we would see eachother at least 2-3 times a month. She said I probably couldnt come visit her too much since it would hard for her to make that work out. Since I have been here I came up to visit her three times in the past two months, and thats really all the time we've had together. She rarely comes home, and both times she came home she was home for less than 24 hrs, and basically penciled me in for an hour lunch before she went back to school. We had such lunch a couple days ago, and the last time I saw her before that was two weeks ago. We had lunch, everything went fine, and in the end when I asked her when I can come see her again she said she will be very busy and she doesnt think I can come up untill she is done with school (in 3 weeks from now, so thats a total of 5 weeks without really seeing her). I brought it up before how I feel like I was making a huge effort on my part to make it work (move countries, come see her at school) and she wasnt reciprocating. Granted, she did say it wouldnt be easy for her, but we agreed to make it work together nonetheless. So far I have put in 90% of the effort, and I dont really feel like she has put in the last 10% (yea she said it would be hard for her, but cumon, I moved friggin countries for her). On the few times that I came up to visit her she was very anxious about having me around her friends, usually made plans that kept us secluded, and it generally felt like she was uncomfortable and hiding something (a different side of her perhaps, the wild college side?). On the occasions that I interacted with her and her friends things went great, good crowd interaction and her friends and I got along great. So it was very weird to me why she is always very anxious about me coming to visit (especially when shes not making the effort to come visit me instead). When we said our goodbyes couple days ago at lunch, and she basically stated we wont see eachother untill shes done with school, she also gave me the cold shoulder when I left. Granted, this is a tough time for her, college is ending and so she wants to work on her friendships and schoolwork. But in all honesty, she has only two classes no finals, and she is out all the time. She cant make a day or two somewhere in between to see me? She just doesnt want to, and it seems totally unfair. I am not sure what to do. On one hand she is very independent and does need her space. I fully understand and respect that. At the same I feel like this is a red flag that she will be very unreceptive to integrating me into her life in general and not just now. Of course there is always the looming suspicion she is fooling around there with other guys at college... I mean, shes out all the time, wont take me to any parties etc where other guys are around (if we go out with her friends its only her girl friends). I am not sure about that though, because she is pretty trustworthy (I think?) and she generally doesnt hide her phone away from me and things like that, and we talk pretty much every day. Should I let it go, and just ride it out and give her all the space she needs? I have also been seriously considering telling her if she cant put me at least somewhere in the middle of her list of priorities then this isnt gonna work out and that we should break up. Advice?
Maleficent Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 The first thing I'm going to say is she doesn't 'owe' you anything for moving back to the US. You really can't say things like 'I changed countries for you now do what I expect you to do' The very last weeks of college are probably the worst. If she has no final exam she probably has final papers etc. Let her finish college and see if her behavior changes.
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