Hockeyguy19 Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Why do we do this to ourselves? I've been BU for a month a half now, I was the dumpee and she has already moved on, way on (hanging out all the time, planning camping trips, meeting families already etc) but STUPID me, I broke nc a few weeks ago and we've had lc since. I made the mistake of seeing her yesterday, and today to work on summer classes for university (we have a common class together) and I thought it would be a good idea to meet up to work on an assignment. Worst mistake ever. She's moved on and I'm still carrying the torch, big time. It was awkward yesterday but we managed to get some work done. I felt okay afterwards, but still knew I shouldn't see her. But I did anyways today, and it went to all hell. We fought over her new bf and all things they had planned, and I told her she replaced me. She denied it but it didnt matter. Here's the thing, I couldn't talk about us or our past but she could talk about him and all her great things. It wasn't fair and I knew that, but I went along with anyways. Why did I do this to myself? I put myself back to the first day we broke up. I don't want to lose the girl from my life for reasons I do not know, but I think that would be for the best. How do you turn your brain and heart off? How can I put her behind me? Nc is probably my best friend right now but I can't seem to stick with it. I need some support from the LS community in the worse way right now, how can I make myself happy again? 3 years down the drain and my phone never goes off now, how do I combat the loneliness?
TaraMaiden Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 The question is not 'why do we do this to ourselves'...? Why others do it, is not your concern, because there are a thousand-and-one justifications. The question is - Why do YOU do this to YOURself? Did you really think you could handle it? And what are you so terrified of letting go of? What are you clinging to, hopelessly, uselessly - and why? 1
Author Hockeyguy19 Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 The question is not 'why do we do this to ourselves'...? Why others do it, is not your concern, because there are a thousand-and-one justifications. The question is - Why do YOU do this to YOURself? Did you really think you could handle it? And what are you so terrified of letting go of? What are you clinging to, hopelessly, uselessly - and why? I knew I couldn't handle it, but I thought I could fake it, or maybe her feelings had changed, or she might miss me. All wishful thinking and stupidity I guess I'm terrified of letting her go, and leaving my life forever. I'm clinging to false hope, that she will see the light and crawl back. It's not going to happen and I know that. I guess I'm scared of being alone and never finding someone again. I had my doubts before the breakup, actually a year before she left me cold. Maybe that's why I want her back. Afraid of being alone?
Minneloa Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Wait, isn't this the the woman who refused to respect your request to not come into your workplace with her new bf? Ugh! I urge you to walk away from her and her games and manipulation. You don't deserve to be treated with such contempt and utter disregard. Cut her off! NC can be a powerful tool for healing. It will be very painful at first, as you experience emotional withdrawal, but isn't your current situation terribly painful as well?
TaraMaiden Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 I knew I couldn't handle it, but I thought I could fake it, or maybe her feelings had changed, or she might miss me. All wishful thinking and stupidity I have to agree with you there..... I guess I'm terrified of letting her go, and leaving my life forever. I'm clinging to false hope, that she will see the light and crawl back. It's not going to happen and I know that. I guess I'm scared of being alone and never finding someone again. I had my doubts before the breakup, actually a year before she left me cold. Maybe that's why I want her back. Afraid of being alone? But she's already gone - you're already alone. There is nothing there for you - she's your ex. And I really could kick myself for not checking your 'history'... as Minneloa says, you're the same guy fretting about her coming in and parading her new BF under your nose, like a sadistic bitch.... Why dafuq would you want a nasty piece of work like that, back in your life? You need to up your self-worth and personal value, in your own eyes. Really, quit acting like a wimpish doormat. It really does not become 21st century guys. You sound like sputter, when you should sound like Sparta.
Stevan Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 If she accepts responsibility for everything happened, Would that ease the pain you are feeling now? what do you want her to do or say???
Author Hockeyguy19 Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 I have to agree with you there..... But she's already gone - you're already alone. There is nothing there for you - she's your ex. And I really could kick myself for not checking your 'history'... as Minneloa says, you're the same guy fretting about her coming in and parading her new BF under your nose, like a sadistic bitch.... Why dafuq would you want a nasty piece of work like that, back in your life? You need to up your self-worth and personal value, in your own eyes. Really, quit acting like a wimpish doormat. It really does not become 21st century guys. You sound like sputter, when you should sound like Sparta. No I agree with you and Minneloa, I deserve so much better in my life then her, and there is no point in having her around, she does absolutely nothing for me. I acting like a doormat for sure, she's walking all over me, and I've allowed it. NC is the way to go and I will not break it this time. She wants to control my emotions still and does things to make my life hell, so it's time to take control of myself back. Thank you both for the pep talk
BustedUpInside Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 I really want to be super sweetly sympathetic with you because it is obvious from your post here and the previous ones that your ex is a jerk and that you are really hurting. Instead, I am going to be harsh because you need a kick in the a$$ to get serious. Here are the questions you need to be asking yourself whenever you have the urge to see, speak to, or hang out with her: 1. Why would I want to hang out with someone who doesn't respect my feelings? 2. If I talk to her will I feel better or worse about myself? 3. If I spend all my time thinking about her, will I ever be ready to meet someone new and better? 4. Is she the sort of person who is probably exaggerating my actions to others and so any material I give her by calling or hanging out. 5. Is my life any better after hanging out with her or is it probably going to be worse at least for a couple of days afterward. Keep these questions in mind and I promise you will start to get over the urge to talk to her. It is like aversion therapy.
Author Hockeyguy19 Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 Thanks bustedupinside, that's exactly the questions I need to ask myself. I appreciate your harshness as I am hurting but I need tough love right now. I'm putting these into practice now. 1
fiftyofsomethin Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Damn. I never knew that advice given to someone else would help me so much. Seriously though. I just wanted to let you guys know that this really helped me. Even though it was meant for someone else. Just gotta think in the big picture and stay positive and EXPECT good/better things to happen in the future. Nothing will be accomplished by dwelling and ruminating on the past of worrying about the future. Trust me. I have spend the last three months of my life doing it and it's only driven me insane. Only now that I have realized what I need to do, I have finally been able to recover. Just change the negative minset to one of positivity and expecting good. I guarantee you will ge through this. Just take it from me and do not do what I did. 3
PennGuy Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 She seems like a really really great girl. I'm actually really jealous that my ex hasn't paraded her new guy in front of me. Here's what I did after my split. I WALKED AWAY. Not because I didn't care or because I didn't hurt or love her. I wanted my dignity. I wanted to take the high road. You don't love me anymore? See ya. I knew that no amount of begging, pleading, pretending I could be friends, etc would improve the situation. It would leave me helpless, full of hurt, and make me look weak in her eyes..but most of all, I wanted it for ME. I've been on this train before. Contact, begging, friendship, stalking, DOES NOT WORK. It does nothing but cause you pain. Here's a lightbulb moment for you. IT'S ALL SELF INFLICTED. This girl obviously has no regard for your feelings. Why would you want someone like that in your life? Why would you subject your self to that kind of emotional torture? You might as well just cut the last thread that your testicles are hanging by and hand them to her. 1
Author Hockeyguy19 Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 She seems like a really really great girl. I'm actually really jealous that my ex hasn't paraded her new guy in front of me. Here's what I did after my split. I WALKED AWAY. Not because I didn't care or because I didn't hurt or love her. I wanted my dignity. I wanted to take the high road. You don't love me anymore? See ya. I knew that no amount of begging, pleading, pretending I could be friends, etc would improve the situation. It would leave me helpless, full of hurt, and make me look weak in her eyes..but most of all, I wanted it for ME. I've been on this train before. Contact, begging, friendship, stalking, DOES NOT WORK. It does nothing but cause you pain. Here's a lightbulb moment for you. IT'S ALL SELF INFLICTED. This girl obviously has no regard for your feelings. Why would you want someone like that in your life? Why would you subject your self to that kind of emotional torture? You might as well just cut the last thread that your testicles are hanging by and hand them to her. 100% agree with you, it is all self inflicted. I did this to MYSELF. I've chosen now to walk away, because as much as it hurts, it's the necessary play. Everything else is just making it worse and making me hurt all over again. She has no regard for anyone but herself, and I don't want that in my life ever again. I'm reclaiming my balls so to speak as you put it, she doesn't not deserve them or my feelings anymore, or ever again. There is no reason to ever contact her again, there's no kids, no marriage, no shared belongings left, nothing, not even a conversation to be had. The torture stops now (well yesterday) and the path to healing and recovery begins.
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