ViciousCycle Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 I've been NC for 2 and a half weeks. Not that long. I'll potentially get torched, by you guys or by her, for setting up a meeting with her at the end of the week. She initiated contact first, saying that it's been weird not talking or knowing what is going on with each other's lives. She also said she'd like to talk when I am ready and she'd like to be friends at some point. I replied saying i'd be interested in meeting on a specific day because I was going to be in town that day (she lives an hour away). The main reason I did this is because I am starting a 2 month study program for the bar exam on Monday. I don't want to be wondering what is going on with her. More importantly, I want to set the record straight. I don't want anything left unsaid on my end. I want to be done with this. I think she has this idea that we could still be friends, and I want to let her know that it's not going to happen because I still have some feelings for her and it would be difficult for us to not create some attachment through talking. I also want nothing to do with knowing what is going on in her romantic life. I am going to tell her that if she's ever interested in seeing if we still have something that she can contact me and let me know, and I will consider how to proceed. (Thus why this is in the Second Chances forum.) I am also going to apologize for my actions during the break up, as I did everything wrong. I have no expectations. Well, I kind of expect her to hint that she has moved on with her long term plans. I am at a place where I know I am fine being by myself and without her or any relationship. I don't plan on begging or rationalizing anything with her because I don't need or care to. Other than what I said, I just planning on hanging for an hour and catching up on life. I'll let her know when I leave about my thoughts on friendship. Any advice?
TaraMaiden Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 I personally believe if you're going to do this, you need to cultivate an air of 'coldness' even if it kills you. You should make this meeting brief, and to the point: No 'friendship' no 'catch-up' communication, in fact, no communication at all. That's what you're there to tell her, so do it. Remember that the primary reason dumpers want to maintain a friendship is to not upset their own lives and routines too much, and to relieve the guilt of dumping. So there's an element of selfishness there, because all and any and every suggestion of 'friendship' is never made with your broken heart in mind. Don't get cosy, comfortable or - yeah, friendly - either. you really do not want to prolong the agony for yourself.
Author ViciousCycle Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 Thanks Tara. I am perplexed as to how to feel about alleviating her guilt. I feel like I naturally exude some confidence right now, and that will probably make her feel less guilty. Should I care about that, though? I guess my "coldness" will make her feel that everything isn't okay. I suppose I do want her to really contemplate what happened.
TaraMaiden Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Thanks Tara. I am perplexed as to how to feel about alleviating her guilt. I feel like I naturally exude some confidence right now, and that will probably make her feel less guilty. Should I care about that, though? I guess my "coldness" will make her feel that everything isn't okay. I suppose I do want her to really contemplate what happened. You should feel utterly reluctant about alleviating her guilt. If she dumped you, the consequences are for her to process, not for you to soften. I really don't think you should meet up, if you're having to calculate and pre-evaluate how you should be acting. When you reach benign indifference (and are well and truly over the break) you won't give how you act, a second thought. And rightly so. 1
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