Broke NC

[youngnlove89]

I blocked my ex and it was a huge episode on this forum for a month+. When my ex wanted to ask me about getting back together, she didn't give up after she found out I blocked her. She messaged my brother, and tried to barge the door down anyway she could until she got through.

 

Block him for your own sake. Seriously...

 

Didn't you guys get back together?

[cavalier99]

All of this discusion is semi meaningless. Just stay NC like you are hanging on for dear life and go thru what ever emotions you need to go thru. No need to analyse these emotions ecetera. Time for action. Cav

[youngnlove89]

All of this discusion is semi meaningless. Just stay NC like you are hanging on for dear life and go thru what ever emotions you need to go thru. No need to analyse these emotions ecetera. Time for action. Cav

 

So what would therapy entail then? I guess all I would need is one session for them to tell me exactly what you are telling me....stop harping, go NC, done, over.

 

Not that easy Cav.

[mtnbiker3000]

Why "not that easy"?? Seriously?? Why are you so dead against it?

[youngnlove89]

Why "not that easy"?? Seriously?? Why are you so dead against it?

 

Because I'm doing it right now and it is HARD. Please, enough of this crap. If this were easy, I wouldn't be hear right now.

[Simon Phoenix]

I love him because:

 

1. His smile

2. How he makes me laugh

3. How he tickles me when I'm mad at him just so I can produce a smile

4. His arms and how he cuddles me tightly

5. When he kisses my hand or my forehead

6. When he looks deep into my eyes and just smiles

7. His sexy body

8. How he is witty

9. How he is sarcastic

10. Intelligent, always carries a conversation well

11. How he was there for me the minute I needed him and held my hand the whole way

12. How he calls to just say or share something so random

13. His annoying laugh that I used to make fun of

14. His OCD, even though he hated how I couldn't clean up after myself

15. His ambition in life, his goals, his excitement to achieve

16. How he is so detail oriented and exams everything with a close eye

17. How he hates that I jump around the corner and scare him because it makes him look like a pussy

18. How he loves classic rock

19. How he plays the guitar and tries really hard to impress me, he always did

20. How he used to rub my feet, my back, my head until I fell asleep

 

Want me to continue?

 

Seems like a lot of stuff you can find in other guys. Hell, I fit most of those categories I'm sure he's not the devil and I'm not trying to make him out to be. But it's clear that it doesn't work. What you want and what he wants aren't the same. It is what it is. It's not what you want to hear and you are going out of your way to refuse hearing it to the point of getting angry at people when they bring it up, but getting angry at me and other posters isn't going to put Humpty Dumpty together again.

 

But I'll placate your wishes. Let's say that there is a chance can get him back and keep him back. The way you go about it (jumping at any sort of contact and going right back) doesn't work. In fact, it's the worst possible way to do it short of harrassing and stalking him. Because you aren't fixing anything, you are just jumping back into the same problems you've had before. You haven't grown individually, you haven't realized individually what went wrong, you haven't come up with a plan to fix what went wrong, you just jump right in without a plan and hope it doesn't die then act with sadness and shock when history repeats itself.

 

Do you really want to get back with this guy and have it mean something? Then you have to take some time away from him and settle yourself. Tell him you need space. And then be constructive with that space instead of wallowing in your misery and crying when anonymous jerks from message boards type things that don't fit the fairy tale of what you want. And allow him to actually miss you. He can't miss you when you don't leave, when he knows you'll jump back when you snap his fingers.

 

Why would he ever change his approach when he doesn't have to? I wouldn't change either if I was him, because I know I can have you whenever I want to have you. Because you can't stay away, because you haven't established yourself without me. If you show some backbone, maybe he'll go "whoa, youngnlove means business. Maybe I need to give her more or I might not get her again?"

 

So if you really want him back, what you are doing is just as terrible in that cause as it is if you are attempting to move on.

[cavalier99]

So what would therapy entail then? I guess all I would need is one session for them to tell me exactly what you are telling me....stop harping, go NC, done, over.

 

Not that easy Cav.

 

I never said it was easy. I said "it is simple but hard". Cav

[na49]

So what would therapy entail then? I guess all I would need is one session for them to tell me exactly what you are telling me....stop harping, go NC, done, over.

 

Not that easy Cav.

 

Not at all. I understand if the price is what's keeping you from going, but that should be the only thing. It is very easy to show up once a week if it is for YOUR BENEFIT!

 

You'll discuss your feelings, repetitive thoughts, and tell the therapist your 18 month story. It will take a few sessions but they don't pay these therapists the big bucks to tell you "Go NC. Don't creep on him. Join a gym. There are other fish in the sea. etc" They'll give you ways to deal with your situations, things to think about each week, ways to deal with your thoughts instead of fighting with them, give you books to read that will put this whole moving on process into perspective and really get the advice we're giving you to stick.

 

Also get rid of this idea that going to counseling is for the "weak" because what is really for the weak is when people throw themselves a pity party and say "woe is me!" instead of doing what they need to do.

 

Just a little tough love. You know I love you

[Simon Phoenix]

Because I'm doing it right now and it is HARD. Please, enough of this crap. If this were easy, I wouldn't be hear right now.

 

Everyone knows it's hard. His point is that you are making a hard thing that much harder. Right now you are trying to cross a piranha-infested lake by swimming for it instead of using the perfectly good boat sitting at the dock.

[youngnlove89]

I do not want him back. He isn't the one for me. Don't you see? I love what I thought he was, what I thought he was capable of. But he isn't. He doesn't want kids or marriage. He doesn't want to live together. The list goes on.

 

I WANT TO MOVE ON.

 

But it's like quitting an addiction, you are so used to the high of getting what you want out of it, but when the low comes that is when it hits you: this isn't good for me. So you try to move on, quit. But you get that withdrawal and you remember that high you used to get and you crave it. But once you get it, you remember why you wanted to quit.

 

I just need to get past the withdrawal stage.

 

I do NOT want him back.

 

Another thing, my ego is bruised. Wacked. It is hurt. How could someone not want ME, I'm awesome, funny, good looking, I got my sh.t together...why doesn't he want me?! How can that be? I want to make him want me, just so I can get what I want out of it. I want to be wanted, not rejected.

 

My problem is: dependency (the addiction) and a bruised ego (rejection).

[youngnlove89]

Na49- I've done therapy for me. Didn't help. I can't afford one session a week. If I could, I would be there RIGHT NOW. I'd take the day off just to go. I want to go. I understand it isn't for the weak, it's for those that want the help. But therapy isn't a cure all either. I've read the books, done my homework, been through hell and back, talked to people....now all I have to count on is TIME.

[Simon Phoenix]

I always take the "their loss" mentality toward people that don't want me. Even the ones that really hurt. Because if I don't love myself, why would anyone else. He doesn't want you because he's clearly an idiot. That's all, that's it. End of discussion.

 

As for the addiction, I agree. But you don't cure your addiction to alcohol by being a bartender.

[youngnlove89]

I always take the "their loss" mentality toward people that don't want me. Even the ones that really hurt. Because if I don't love myself, why would anyone else. He doesn't want you because he's clearly an idiot. That's all, that's it. End of discussion.

 

As for the addiction, I agree. But you don't cure your addiction to alcohol by being a bartender.

 

UGH. I'm exhausted.

[mtnbiker3000]

Because I'm doing it right now and it is HARD. Please, enough of this crap. If this were easy, I wouldn't be hear right now.

 

Oh, my bad. I thought it was a cake-walk

[Simon Phoenix]

UGH. I'm exhausted.

 

I'm not talking about therapy, I'm talking about blocking your phone/Facebook/whatever. That'd be a good start if you haven't already, which I thought you had but might be wrong about.

[cavalier99]

So what would therapy entail then? I guess all I would need is one session for them to tell me exactly what you are telling me....stop harping, go NC, done, over.

 

Not that easy Cav.

 

Once again spewing out all this analysis and feelings really serves little purpose.

 

This whole discussion should be about how to stay NC and using this forum if you feel weak and are going to break it. Dont even mention him anymore. He is essentially dead.

 

NC should be your new religion untill your better. You need to be sorta fanatical about it until you dont need it anymore.

[KatZee]

so? that doesn't mean the girl needs therapy. sometimes the other person ropes us back in. it's not always just one person's fault.

she just needs to realize that hot stoves hurt. eventually she'll get it.

 

but to each his own. i was trying to offer another perspective. good luck with this.

 

baRx--- the majority of us posting on here have been following YnL's story from day one. I don't want to come off like an a-hole here but you flat out admitted to not even reading this thread, and then you make snarky and sarcastic remarks about "ooooo all she did was contact her ex."

 

You have no clue what this story entails, and even us, the veterans of this story, 18 months deep still don't know 100% of the details, since we are not YnL.

 

If you want to come here to this thread and be taken seriously, then READ this entire thread, and while you're at it, go back and read the endless amounts of threads regarding her, her ex, and this entire situation.

 

There are plenty of posts in which YnL flat out admits she chooses people who use her, and who are bad for her. She's stuck in a bad place, and until she gets the help she needs in order to move out of this situation, she's going to carry it on to the next, and the one after that.

 

Yes, YnL has to make her own decision to seek therapy, and to move on, but we don't need posts here which are going to allow her to make excuses for her behavior and for her to justify/rationalize it.

[flitzanu]

I know What was I thinking?! I don't have control over myself or the situation!

 

I AM AN IDIOT. Do you think I made myself look dumb to him?

 

you didn't make yourself look dumb to him, you made it very obvious to him that you still want to sleep with him.

[Tree_Salmon]

PLUS it is over. He isn't going to contact me anymore. He won't respond to me. He is probably tired of me. He probably is long gone.

 

So I have no choice but to move on now. Happy?

 

Younglove, how many times have you thought this only to hear from him again?

 

This whole thing isn't complicated its just difficult. And its going to take work to get out of it. Lots of inner work. Don't be scared of it, welcome the experience of learning about yourself and having a goal.

 

You keep defending this painful lifestyle you are now living.

Stop defending it. Its not fun or good for you. I think you have way more power than you ever thought you did. You're just scared and you want someone to magically fix all of your pain in one swoop.

Doesn't happen like that in adult life.

 

You are the only one who can get yourself over this.

 

I believe this guy never really loved anything in his life. He just liked using you. Accept this too.

 

It doesnt mean youre a crappy person or an ugly girl or whatever else runs through your head. You wont be alone the rest of your life either. The only way you can achieve that nightmare is to stick with this destructive way of living.

[youngnlove89]

This is the perfect example of why the truth hurts. All of you are right and it is so painful to hear that I wasn't good enough for him, that he is laughing at me, that he doesn't care, that he used me, that he never loved me. That f.cking hurts. I'm not kidding. I'm going to take some time away. I really need it.

 

My heart hurts too much right now. I just want to go to bed.

 

Thanks for the advice everyone. Case closed.

[KatZee]

One thing I've always noticed about you YnL... you run. Every single time s.hit gets real, you run.

 

You don't need anymore time. You've had 18 months of this game. Time's up.

 

Stop hiding from reality. Stop hiding from the pain. Feel it. REALLY FEEL IT. And now push through it.

[Simon Phoenix]

One thing I've always noticed about you YnL... you run. Every single time s.hit gets real, you run.

 

You don't need anymore time. You've had 18 months of this game. Time's up.

 

Stop hiding from reality. Stop hiding from the pain. Feel it. REALLY FEEL IT. And now push through it.

 

Yep. The night is darkest before the dawn. If you keep running from it, it will keep chasing you. Eventually you have to stand up and fight.

[LostOne1]

I always take the "their loss" mentality toward people that don't want me. Even the ones that really hurt. Because if I don't love myself, why would anyone else. He doesn't want you because he's clearly an idiot. That's all, that's it. End of discussion.

 

As for the addiction, I agree. But you don't cure your addiction to alcohol by being a bartender.

That's how I see it now too. If I ask a girl out or show interest and she says no or shows me no in some form. Then I just move on and I don't waste my time.

 

What I learned is there are TONS of women out there. And honestly I can't expect ALL or even a majority to like me or want me. BUT some women out there WILL and those are the women I want to connect with...

 

So I just move on too and it's as the saying goes.. "on to the next one". Till one stops and says hey yeah let's hang out. If a girl is willing to invest time back into me, I am willing to invest it in her. If she isn't.. well I won't either.

 

Guess my last BU taught me a lot and it's good to learn and live again.

 

And younglove89.... What worked for me was liking someone else. I never got to be with her and part of her probably didn't like me enough. BUT, I learned I can love again and I still have a heart. And I got refused left right and center lately.

 

But at the same time some girls gave me a chance. And, I can honestly say you WILL find someone more suited for you and that connects with you on a level you want. But that happens when you realize you are OKAY the way you are. And that you need to let go of the past, because the future has something better in store.

 

I'm almost at 1 yr of my BU and I gotta say I'm well moved on now. I barley even visit this site let alone have time to think about my ex. I've found new people to connect with, a new career and I'm pushing as if my life will get better. But it ONLY will when you make an effort to work hard and forget the past. Learn from it and look forward to a better future.

[Tree_Salmon]

That's how I see it now too. If I ask a girl out or show interest and she says no or shows me no in some form. Then I just move on and I don't waste my time.

 

What I learned is there are TONS of women out there. And honestly I can't expect ALL or even a majority to like me or want me. BUT some women out there WILL and those are the women I want to connect with...

 

So I just move on too and it's as the saying goes.. "on to the next one". Till one stops and says hey yeah let's hang out. If a girl is willing to invest time back into me, I am willing to invest it in her. If she isn't.. well I won't either.

 

Guess my last BU taught me a lot and it's good to learn and live again.

 

And younglove89.... What worked for me was liking someone else. I never got to be with her and part of her probably didn't like me enough. BUT, I learned I can love again and I still have a heart. And I got refused left right and center lately.

 

But at the same time some girls gave me a chance. And, I can honestly say you WILL find someone more suited for you and that connects with you on a level you want. But that happens when you realize you are OKAY the way you are. And that you need to let go of the past, because the future has something better in store.

 

I'm almost at 1 yr of my BU and I gotta say I'm well moved on now. I barley even visit this site let alone have time to think about my ex. I've found new people to connect with, a new career and I'm pushing as if my life will get better. But it ONLY will when you make an effort to work hard and forget the past. Learn from it and look forward to a better future.

 

Dating is easy when you take fear out of everything. Confidence is key. Much like Master Splinter said to the turtles in TMNT1 on the NES.

[sweetheart5381]

This is the perfect example of why the truth hurts. All of you are right and it is so painful to hear that I wasn't good enough for him, that he is laughing at me, that he doesn't care, that he used me, that he never loved me. That f.cking hurts. I'm not kidding. I'm going to take some time away. I really need it.

 

My heart hurts too much right now. I just want to go to bed.

 

Thanks for the advice everyone. Case closed.

 

Listen my dear lady. I have been you. I have felt everything you have felt for many, many years.

 

I have felt the desire to love and to cherish, the desire to forgive, the desire to hate wholeheartedly and consequently the desire to love unconditionally. I have felt the the desire to be everything that other person ever wanted me to be.

 

What I didn't do was love me.

 

IMO, you don't need therapy, you need to love yourself.

 

When you do, a whole new world opens up.