Jenn2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Hi, Just needed a few words of advice here. A little background: Me: 26, Catholic, White Blonde, born in California and grew up in New York. My dad worked for the government so we travelled around a bit (Asia, Middle East, Africa) when I was quite young so I'm comfortable with interacting with people from different backgrounds. Graduated from a good college/ med school in the East Coast and have been working in NYC. Him: 31, Asian, born in Pakistan but spent several years in California, Florida, England and France. His family is quite traditional, open minded but rather 'opinionated' about some issues. He's a Muslim but very liberal and free-spirited. Went to college in England, grad school in MA, quite the elitist background and education. He works in a prestigious hedge fund and is extremely ambitious. Us: He dated my friend but they broke up because he wanted to go back to Europe. To be honest, I did have a small crush on him but didn't ask him out since I wasn't sure if he was interested. He came back to NYC a few months ago; we met through some mutual friends and decided to go out together. He was very open about his past relationships; used to be a 'player' in his 20's, dated loads of women but says he's done and wants to settle down. I would say that he's rather unpredictable but in a good way: for my birthday, he asked me to take a week off and travel to Hawaii. Imagine my surprise at the airport when he took out two tickets for Spain and Italy (prob the best trip of my life). Anyway, we've talked about planning something long term. He says he's willing to relocate to somewhere warm in Europe/California but doesn't NYC's cold weather. Sorry for the long rant, just wanted to give you a small version of our backgrounds. So the issues are: 1) I feel he get's irritated when I hang out with any of my ex bfs. He thinks it's okay if I still want to be friends with my ex bfs and prefers not to hang out with them. One of my exbf's married my best friend and I dated her brother for a while, so we often hang out and I've observed him feeling uncomfortable though he's never mentioned anything. He gets along fine with my other friends, but prefers avoidong that particular group. That being said, his best friend is a French celeb he dated back in uni. She's married but he knows her husband and he often stays with them when he visits France. Rather hyporcitical, but I guess it's a 'dude' thing. 2) He doesn't get along with his parents, was a bit of a rebel when he was a kid. He does love them, visits them a few times a year, buys expensive presents and calls daily but wants to live far from them. I've met his father but it's his mother I'm worried about. I doubt she would accept me as her daughter-in-law, there are some big cultural differences. However, my bf doesn't really 'care' about her opinion, says it's not her decision and he'll do what pleases him. On the other hand, his siblings are quite supportive and we get along pretty well. I've brought up the topic of cultural and religious differences, but he says he admires me for who I am and accepts my differences. (Religion isn't a very big deal for him) Sorry for such a long rant, just wanted your feedback. I think he's about to propose (found out he's been visiting Tiffany's and other jewellery stores). However, I do need some advice about the two topics I've mentioned. I do adore him and want to marry him, it's just that I need some advice about how to deal with the two issues I've mentioned.
dichotomy Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 1) No double standards please. If he sees his married exgf, you can see your married exbf. Same rules on both sides please. 2) Dating and sex the culture should not be an issue. But lets talk marriage now, his expectations of you as a wife and mother MAY be drastically different than you as a girlfriend lover. I would encourage you to have many conversations with him on what he believes a good marriage looks like - have him describe what roles and responsibility go on in a marriage. Or plainly ask him "what do you think a good wife and mom is? what make a great wife and mom?"......this is were you might hear him describe his mom and dad - or a more traditional marriage set up - more that you would have imagined! 2
Author Jenn2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 We did talk about this today. Regarding the ex issue, he says the idea of someone else being with me doesn't quite 'brighten his day' so he prefers not to hang around those guys. When I mentioned my concerns about his ex, he said he's willing to limit any contact if I feel uncomfortable about it. As for his parents, I discovered he had a very difficult relationship with them when he was a kid, age and cultural barrier etc, he shares most of my views regarding the roles of parents/ spouses (mostly quite liberal), wants an honest relationship and would never forgive any deception/lies etc. His personal opinion is that his mom would have a hard time accepting me but he can hardly do anything about it (apart from talking to her) and contact between us and her would be minimal. 1
kamani Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 You or any girl he is interested in will never fit into his mother's model. So you have to stop worrying about it. I think he has been long aware of that. It's great that he agreed to limit friendships with his ex-s but you need to verify whether he puts the words into action. I feel both of you should not have close friendships with your ex's. Apart from these, I don't see any cultural barriers between the two of you from all what you have written here.
cinta_satu Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Don't worry too much about whether his mother will accept you or not. South Asian parents that are traditional tend to believe that the only girl/guy good enough for their child is the one they find for them. I can relate to the your bf. I have a difficult relationship with my parents too. I love them to death, but I wouldn't want to live very close to them. I have a much more open minded and liberal perspective on life compared to my parents. If he says he loves you, he definitely does. And it seems like he treats you amazing. It sounds like you two have something special. Good luck! 2
denise_xo Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Us: He dated my friend but they broke up because he wanted to go back to Europe. To be honest, I did have a small crush on him but didn't ask him out since I wasn't sure if he was interested. He came back to NYC a few months ago; we met through some mutual friends and decided to go out together. He was very open about his past relationships; used to be a 'player' in his 20's, dated loads of women but says he's done and wants to settle down. I would say that he's rather unpredictable but in a good way: for my birthday, he asked me to take a week off and travel to Hawaii. Imagine my surprise at the airport when he took out two tickets for Spain and Italy (prob the best trip of my life). Anyway, we've talked about planning something long term. He says he's willing to relocate to somewhere warm in Europe/California but doesn't NYC's cold weather. I agree with the others: i) no double standards on exes, and ii) just accept that his mother won't accept you. Her problem, primarily. Other than that: based on the bolded above, I'd suggest you stay engaged for a while and really get to know each other, before moving on to marriage. Even if you're more or less on the same page culturally, moving countries, for example, can be a big strain on a relationship, especially if only one person has a job to go to. You'd be better off with a strong foundation for those kind of things.
tas001 Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I am of South Asian heritage and in my experience you're never really free of the extended Asian family's influence unless he is really willing to cut off all contact with them... In most Asian-ish relationships you really marry the family more than the person, but then I don't know the guy so I can't say if he bucks the trend completely or not From the sound of it, and given the cultural and background differences, I agree with the previous poster that you should not rush into this ... if you're going to find yourself engaged, at least give yourself a long engagement period to make sure he is everything you think he is (and not what you're projecting onto him) and that you're also not just seeing his best 'wooing you' side but the real him... And although this is the far future for you, think about if/when you have kids, what's their relationship going to be with their grand-parents and his extended family ... (and take it from a middle-aged person, the future will be here sooner than you think... ) 2
Els Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 2) He doesn't get along with his parents, was a bit of a rebel when he was a kid. He does love them, visits them a few times a year, buys expensive presents and calls daily but wants to live far from them. I've met his father but it's his mother I'm worried about. I doubt she would accept me as her daughter-in-law, there are some big cultural differences. However, my bf doesn't really 'care' about her opinion, says it's not her decision and he'll do what pleases him. On the other hand, his siblings are quite supportive and we get along pretty well. I've brought up the topic of cultural and religious differences, but he says he admires me for who I am and accepts my differences. This is actually a plus point, IMO. None of us can control our parents. It's unrealistic to expect his parents to accept you, or to expect him to get along with them especially if they don't accept you. It's good that he is putting his R with you first, and his own independence, above what they might think of him or you. As for the exes, I agree with the others that it's a double standard, and you should tell him that. 2
Emilia Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Do you live together already OP? His mother will always likely to have a large influence over him. It isn't just a cultural difference, it's also a race issue. South Asian monthers in my experience don't tend to like having their sons marry white women. 1
Emilia Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 What's considered South Asian...? Sri Lankan, Indian, Pakistani, etc. Obviously a wide brush though there are a lot of similarities.
The Shepherd Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 The middle class families are generally more conservative than the rich and the poor. IMO, the rich and the poor most probably wouldn't have much of a problem accepting a woman from the West. Back home, the families of both the bride and the groom check the socioeconomic, religious, cultural and educational backgrounds of each other before proceeding with any matchmaking. They also check the reputations of both the bride and the groom. OP, if his father is okay with the relationship most probably you guys should be alright. The situation would be tougher if the guy is from the West. 1
Emilia Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 OP, if his father is okay with the relationship most probably you guys should be alright. The situation would be tougher if the guy is from the West. My ex (who is from India, not Pakistan) came from a middle class family as well, his father was quite liberal but his mother very conservative and hated white people. It was very different being in a relationship with him from being friends because the pressure was put on me straight away to conform to his and his families' values. I suppose what I'm getting at OP is that I'd be surprised if this turned out to be as plain sailing as perhaps you are anticipating. My pakistani friends are pretty clueless about the ways of the West and they were both born here but have strong ties with Pakistan. One is even married to an Italian woman. They are both 'middle class' but their ties are very strong. I think the patriarchial aspect should not be underestimated in South Asian culture. Though must admit I hate using such a wide brush.
The Shepherd Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Even if his father and his siblings are okay now, I think if she wants a good relationship with his family, she should be careful with her friendships and the messages she receives from her guy friends and ex-es on social networking websites. With my family, my mom, siblings and the rest of the family should be okay, but it would take some effort convincing my father. 2
will1988 Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I read a little bit of this and this sounds like, how should I put this lightly, trollish.... is this one of the pakistani / idian dudes who love white girls and write novels about them fake threads?
The Shepherd Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 but his mother very conservative and hated white people. I am not sure if 'hated' is the right word, most probably the word is 'worried', but you knew her.
Emilia Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I am not sure if 'hated' is the right word, most probably the word is 'worried', but you knew her. He told me his mother hated white people There is nothing like a warm welcome My whole experience was closer to being treated like a fetish so I left quickly anyway. It was weird.
Nyla Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Don't worry too much about whether his mother will accept you or not. South Asian parents that are traditional tend to believe that the only girl/guy good enough for their child is the one they find for them. I can relate to the your bf. I have a difficult relationship with my parents too. I love them to death, but I wouldn't want to live very close to them. I have a much more open minded and liberal perspective on life compared to my parents. If he says he loves you, he definitely does. And it seems like he treats you amazing. It sounds like you two have something special. Good luck! Very true about South Asian parents. You are a white woman who is not Muslim. It is very unlikely that your are the daughter-in-law they would have hoped for just because you are not an Indian Muslim. South Asians and Muslims generally have VERY traditional and sexist views on marriage and what is expected of wives. Culture clashes are a given in any mixed marriage. I come from a West Indian background while my husband comes from a Scottish WASP clan. There are far different expectations, behaviors, cuisines and even ways of dressing. While both of our parents love their in-law children, I'm sure it freaks them out sometimes to have a black or a white person as an in-law. My husband's family treats me like a novelty; a celebrity of sorts because there are NO blacks in the small town he is from. Your boyfriend seems very modern and rather removed from his parents. This should make it easier to handle cultural differences. Just keep having conversations about what the two of you expect from marriage.
Sam22 Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 just really get to know him aside from the wooing you part like someone else said because after marriage people do change good or bad they change.
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