BC1980 Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 I was with my ex for 3 yrs., and we were planning on getting married. He bought me a ring, and he was even saying we should get married this summer. He was actually pushing it more than me at this point. We barely ever argued, had so much fun together, and it was no stress. We have lived together for roughly a year. One night, I get home from work, and he breaks up with me. It was so out of the blue. He had just planted a rose bush in the yard for me the previous weekend because we both like to work on our yard. We were planning on a vacation for this summer, and he had already booked a hotel room. That morning, before work, he was saying he loved me, ect. No warning whatsoever for this. He was crying when he was doing this, saying how he really wanted it to work. But he just felt maybe we weren't right to get married even though he loves me. He said he was planning the proposal a month ago, and he suddenly started getting second thoughts. I had no clue about this; he said nothing. He wants us to be friends, talk on the phone, and come over when I want to. I'm so confused. I went NC on him Friday, and I saw him at church Sunday. He asked me to lunch, and I declined. He then texts me "good night" Sunday and Monday nights. What is he thinking? To me, it seems like he wants things to be the way they were but with no commitment. He's saying we should do a vacation together. He even says he is not selling the ring back yet. What???? He said that when he sells it back, he is going to take a picture of it in case we ever go get married. Then, we can get a similar ring. Who says stuff like this? He says he can't ever rule out marrying me completely. What kind of vague statement is that? I am going NC for my sanity, but what is he thinking? Guys, help me out here. What kind of a man does these things?
BustedUpInside Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Yikes! He really sounds like he is doing a number on you. I am sure that he still does care for you a great deal, but if I can be completely honest, I think he may be putting you on the back burner. It seems like he wants to be free and without the responsibilities and tie downs that a committed relationship entails. At the same time, he wants to make sure that you are still on lock down and don't go anywhere else while he decides what he really wants to do. That is really really unfair! I am sure that he is not a bad guy and he probably doesn't understand that this is what he is really doing to you, but I think it might be a good idea for you to just take a step back and give him all the space he wants and more. Let him see how it would be to be completely single, without any contact from you. As for you, start talking to other guys. Maybe you realize that the ex is the one, maybe you see what else is really out there. Either way, you get control over your own life and get to start making decisions for yourself.
Author BC1980 Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 For a year, people have been telling me to take some time apart and let him see what he is missing. Of course, I stupidly did the opposite and moved in with him. I think he became way too accustomed to me being around all the time and cooking, doing laundry, ect. He never expected those things, but he became way to comfortable with them. He's just infuriating on some levels. I had to go over to his house last week to get some of my stuff, which was stupid too. I should have let him drop it off. I am now living with my parents, which sucks. But hey, at least I had a place to go. Anyway, he kisses me before I leave. What??? Then, I talked to him on the phone, and he says he loves me. I'm getting confused as h*ll myself now. I have been lurking here for a few weeks, and this site has really given me the courage to go no contact.
siankat Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 For a year, people have been telling me to take some time apart and let him see what he is missing. Of course, I stupidly did the opposite and moved in with him. I think he became way too accustomed to me being around all the time and cooking, doing laundry, ect. He never expected those things, but he became way to comfortable with them. He's just infuriating on some levels. I had to go over to his house last week to get some of my stuff, which was stupid too. I should have let him drop it off. I am now living with my parents, which sucks. But hey, at least I had a place to go. Anyway, he kisses me before I leave. What??? Then, I talked to him on the phone, and he says he loves me. I'm getting confused as h*ll myself now. I have been lurking here for a few weeks, and this site has really given me the courage to go no contact. Can i ask why people advised you to spend time apart from him a year ago before you guys moved in, what were their reasons? It sounds kinda hinky that's why i'm asking 1
Treasa Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 (edited) Can i ask why people advised you to spend time apart from him a year ago before you guys moved in, what were their reasons? It sounds kinda hinky that's why i'm asking Yeah, that's exactly what I was going to ask. Do not communicate with him. If he can throw you away that easily, he needs to feel the consequences. Fine, he can have his no commitment, but then he doesn't get access to any part of you. Make it seem like you dropped off the face of the planet. Ooh, he hasn't ruled out marrying you... God, what a ****ing charming guy! You should rule out marrying him unless he shows you that he was suffering from brain damage when he ended things. It's one thing to take a bit of space to reflect before you propose to someone, but to just end things? Yeah, **** that. Edited May 14, 2013 by Treasa 1
Author BC1980 Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 So here is what happened a year ago. He actually sent me this nice card saying how wonderful I was and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I was ecstatic of course. So, a month or so later, we go look at rings, and he ends up getting one at some point. He didn't tell me when exactly. Then, a few months go by, and he never gives me the ring. So I got upset naturally, and he says he just needs a little more time. Things are moving too fast, blah, blah, blah. WTF??? After he is the one who said he wanted to marry me. I really wasn't one of those pushy girlfriends either. Of course, we had talks before about the future, but I was never pushing him to marry me or buy me a ring. We weren't officially living together at this time but might as well have been. So a friend and my sister were telling me to back off of him and make him see what it's like to be single. I foolishly did the opposite. I can now see what a fool I was. I thought okay maybe he just got cold feet or something because I tried to leave that night, and he asked me to stay, crying and everything. He said he would miss me so much, ect. So he has had this ring for a year and never given it to me. He was going to give it to me on my birthday in December, but his son said he was not ready. Seems like it's always something. Naturally, I was questioning his commitment at this point, but he goes into full on I want to get married mode. Like talking about getting married this summer and where our honeymoon should be. Again, I'm laying off at this point because I'm a little fed up with the situation. This is in Jan.- Feb. Fast forward to April, and we have the blindsided break up after work. He still can't let go. I went to give him his house key back, and he's like keep it. You might need it at some point. What????
Author BC1980 Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 It took him very little time to initiate contact once I stopped calling him or texting him completely. I'm not surprised. My take is he really does want to have his cake and eat it too. We did have some communication issues but nothing major. Basically, I think he feels relationships should take no work at all. He wants "the better" but not the "for worse." He is now coming up with all these past instances that he says upset him that I had no clue about. Like I'm supposed to read his mind if I upset him. He said he was suppressing these feelings for a month or so but just could not accept some of our personality differences. He is claiming I am anxious and blow some things out of proportion. Maybe so, but most instances were brought on by uncertainty of where I stand with him. I talked to him about this right after we broke up, and he said he would do counseling. Now, he says he won't do it. I actually agree because I am so sick of talking to him about these issues at this point. He says he needs space. I figure I will back off, and if he doesn't come back, I will know he really doesn't care anymore.
siankat Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 It took him very little time to initiate contact once I stopped calling him or texting him completely. I'm not surprised. My take is he really does want to have his cake and eat it too. We did have some communication issues but nothing major. Basically, I think he feels relationships should take no work at all. He wants "the better" but not the "for worse." He is now coming up with all these past instances that he says upset him that I had no clue about. Like I'm supposed to read his mind if I upset him. He said he was suppressing these feelings for a month or so but just could not accept some of our personality differences. He is claiming I am anxious and blow some things out of proportion. Maybe so, but most instances were brought on by uncertainty of where I stand with him. I talked to him about this right after we broke up, and he said he would do counseling. Now, he says he won't do it. I actually agree because I am so sick of talking to him about these issues at this point. He says he needs space. I figure I will back off, and if he doesn't come back, I will know he really doesn't care anymore. Think about what you have deduced. You know him, we do not. THink about what you are willing to accept. THink about what your actions are saying about you, to you. Are you happy with the way you are handling this (you cannot control him or his thoughts/actions). If not, try and act and live, true to how you think.
Author BC1980 Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 I really have done so much better since I stopped initiating any contact and just not thinking about him anymore. It just gave me some emotional freedom and power. Then, I saw him at church and stepped backwards. Ugh! But I did resist going to lunch with him. I honestly had no desire to do so. It's so hard to break ties officially. I do still love him, and I hold out that small hope. It's just so hard when I think of all the good times, which is why I am stopping myself anytime I even begin to think of him. I gotta say that reading through the posts on this site has really helped. It has helped me maintain no contact when I wanted to call him.
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