Gingerlee Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Hi everyone! I've lurked on this forum for almost a year now, and I finally created an account. My ex and I broke up last september after a three year relationship. I was 16 when we met, and he fell in love with me the same night. I am now 19 and he is 21 this year. I lost my virginity to him, and for the most part, we were madly in love and as far as I was aware, happy as can be. He had GIGs and moved on within 3 days. I was devastated, lost all my dignity, begged, cried, showed up at his house un-announced, I was desperate and sad and continued sleeping with him, she found out a day after my 19th birthday and left him, although she was religious and was a virgin, so I know she didn't sleep with him (he told me this himself.) We continued seeing eachother every now and then, he'd leave little breadcrumbs, ring me up drunk and told me he loved and missed me. It's been a whole month since the last time I saw him and slept with him, but he chats to me on FB every now and then. For the most part, I am fine and getting on with my life, dating other people etc, but obviously like everyone else I'd love to be back with him and do miss him and the friendship we shared. We talked about marriage, kids, the whole lot. He told me that before he was with me, he was with this girl, i'll call her Kayleigh, and they were together when he was 16 and she told him she was 15, when in reality she had only just turned 13. He found out that for the whole year they where together, she had cheated on him, slept with other people and also lied about being 15. He was devastated and I was honoured when he told me, as he was crying and telling me he wasn't a rapist or anything and that she ruined his life and how he had tried to comit suicide after the relationship and that I had saved him. I told him i'd never hurt him, ever and he told me that he would never leave me and that he'd be proud to call me his beautiful wife one day. Today, I found out via Twitter that they are going to be meeting up again within a couple of weeks. My heart felt like it was going to fall out of my chest. I KNOW it's none of my business. I KNOW it's nothing to do with me whatsoever, but if someone had lied, cheated, called me a rapist and slept with me despite being SO so underage i'd never want to speak to them again. Back in November 2011 he left his sent emails up on my computer, and he had messaged her his number and told her to get in touch. I never questionned it because I trusted him completley. I feel like my self esteem has gone out of the window. He went for a walk with me after something personal happened to me, but he wouldnt go for lunch, wouldnt be seen with me infront of his friends, and now this! I feel ridiculous that I am even caring about this but it is driving me CRAZY. I saw what that disgusting little witch had done to him! His parents told me about the multiple suicide attempts! I did NOTHING but love and care for him right up till the last days when I took the day off work to visit him with a bag of goodies when he hurt his leg. I feel hideous, and I feel stupid and sometimes I can't help but thinking that our whole relationship was a big lie just to get back at her. I know no one can answer as to why he's meeting her, but perhaps anyone with any sort of similar experience could help me out? I am losing my mind here!!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 First of all, you are not being fair to her. Anyone who at 13 is having sex with multiple partners and not seeming very invested in any of them, is somebody who has been a victim in her past. So lets first give your guy the benefit of the doubt, and believe that the girl really did lie about her age, so we won't come down on him too hard for his participation in her self-destruction. From what I've already stated, it would be reasonable to conclude that perhaps your guy has known a female during his upbringing who is fairly similar to that victimized 13yo girl. Something about the personality in a female in your guy's past is likely similar to hers, and he is drawn to it somehow. If he is now 21 and she is 18(???) then it seems reasonable that they might rekindle a shared interest. You are still not recognizing that sheeeeeeee is a likely former victim, and that sheeeeeeeeee wasn't responsible for whatever chain of events had her participating in sex with multiple partners while she was in grade 8 or so. There were lots of cute girls in my grade 8, but I can't honestly look back and imagine many of them having had one sexual partner let alone many, at the time. You may do whatever else you like with regard to your guy, but do not keep blaming that former victim of a 13yo girl for what transpired.
Author Gingerlee Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 She was not a victim, she lost her virginity to him.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 she lost her virginity to him. This doesn't even relate to my point. According to your story, your guy and this girl "were together" when she "... had just turned 13". Even if "she lost her virginity to him" and (during the) "whole year they were together" "she cheated on him", then she/"Kayleigh", at age 13, was "having sex with multiple partners" (like I already said). Now, once again, stop blaming a young victim for whatever child abuses she likely suffered long before age 13, and start asking yourself why you are interested in a guy who was taking the virginity of a newly-turned-13yo girl when he was sixteen? Maybe your guy, too, was a victim somewhere back there. Victimized males so often become the predators of tomorrow, while victimized females are more typically repeat victims. Most important is your asking yourself what patterns in your own life have you so fixated on somebody who surrounds himself with so much chaos? And I just don't think your being "16 when (you) met" and your having "lost your virginity to him" trumps her having been (most likely) twelve when they met, and her also having "lost her virginity to him". The upcoming choices are all yours... but I get the feeling that 13yo girl wasn't afforded choices when it mattered most many years earlier.
Author Gingerlee Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 This doesn't even relate to my point. According to your story, your guy and this girl "were together" when she "... had just turned 13". Even if "she lost her virginity to him" and (during the) "whole year they were together" "she cheated on him", then she/"Kayleigh", at age 13, was "having sex with multiple partners" (like I already said). Now, once again, stop blaming a young victim for whatever child abuses she likely suffered long before age 13, and start asking yourself why you are interested in a guy who was taking the virginity of a newly-turned-13yo girl when he was sixteen? Maybe your guy, too, was a victim somewhere back there. Victimized males so often become the predators of tomorrow, while victimized females are more typically repeat victims. Most important is your asking yourself what patterns in your own life have you so fixated on somebody who surrounds himself with so much chaos? And I just don't think your being "16 when (you) met" and your having "lost your virginity to him" trumps her having been (most likely) twelve when they met, and her also having "lost her virginity to him". The upcoming choices are all yours... but I get the feeling that 13yo girl wasn't afforded choices when it mattered most many years earlier. I don't understand any of this. She was not a victim of abuse, and I think that is a very big finger to point the reason of blame at. Many girls, especially in the UK where I live are sexually active when they are 13. Sad but true. I knew of many girls in my classes at that age who had boyfriends and were having sex. A few even got pregnant at 14. Doesn't mean any of them were victims of abuse. Secondly, she TOLD HIM that she was 15. He only found out she was 13 when they broke up and her parents got in touch with his. He would never have touched her if he had known she was so young. He told me this himself, he was crying, I've never seen someone so haunted by his past. They were also long distance. He spent vast amounts of money traveling to hers every weekend to see her. They were together for a year. He found out she was cheating when he came over for a suprise and she was with someone else and had given the flowers he gave her to someone else. I just cannot understand your reasoning behind her being "abused." She was not abused, let me tell you that for a fact. Anyway, my post isn't about defending her or reasoning as to why she did what she did, but more about how I can cope with the fact that I was there for him for three years, I saw what her accusations and cheating did for him, and I feel as if the relationship was one big joke. I don't know how to cope with this either.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 OK, According to your beliefs: He is affected by his past, and yet she is in no way affected by her past. The fact that you "don't understand any of this" is the problem here. From where do you think the "many girls who are sexually active at 13" in western society originate? And then consider the subset of 13-year-olds who are sexually active with multiple partners, and make some educated guesses as to from where they originated?
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