jasperlynx Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 to make a long story short. My wife asked me to get her a tree (so we could plant it) for mothers day from the kids 13 and 10 boys, a week before mothers day. This way I would not spend money on something she does not want. I made some calls and new where to pick up the tree on Saturday before Mothers Day. BIG MISTAKE!! Maybe im ignorant, but I did not think of picking the tree at night the week before and hiding it somewhere around the house. MY thoughts, why would I do that , when I could just pick it up on Saturday and no have to worry about the care of the tree outside in the garage or wherever I would of hid it. Problem.....My wife had other plans with the kids on Saturday and when I mentioned I needed to go out and pick something up....SHE FREAKED. "How could you wait till the last minute?" "you know i had plans with the kids today". Maybe getting the tree the week before and figuring that part out would have been the better idea. Mind you it would of only would of taken 1\ 2 hour to pick it up on SAT. She put me in the doghouse...would not allow me to pick up the tree with them and did not except an apology. Basically kids had nothing to give thier mom for Mothers Day...and I was to blame. She has not spoken to me since and I do not know what to do now. was I wrong? How can I fix this...I feel horrible.
BustedUpInside Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 She is not mad about a tree. She is probably mad about something that she thinks you do all the time and the tree incident is just the straw that broke the camel's back. You mentioned how she was mad that you waited until the last second. What it sounds like to me, from the outside, is that you aren't really listening to her. She wanted the tree, but she probably wanted you and the boys to plant it for her so that she could wake up to a nice surprise on mother's day. What happened instead is that you made more work and stress for her on a day where she was supposed to be the center of attention. It doesn't sound like you are a bad guy, but the situation sounds like you can be inconsiderate and then fail to realize or acknowledge how your actions seem to your wife. My advice would be to tell your wife that you don't know when you are being inconsiderate and it would be helpful if she told you exactly why she was upset. Tell her you will do anything to fix it and that you want to be more of a team, and to be teammates she will have to let you in on the game plan.
imtooconfused Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 You mentioned how she was mad that you waited until the last second. What it sounds like to me, from the outside, is that you aren't really listening to her. She wanted the tree, but she probably wanted you and the boys to plant it for her so that she could wake up to a nice surprise on mother's day. I am honestly speechless. The last time I checked Saturday was a full 24 hours before Mother's Day. jasperlynx, I have peeked at some of your other posts. I am confident in my assessment that you are being emotionally abused. No one should have to take the treatment that you receive on a recurring basis. Please get some help, for me. 1
Author jasperlynx Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 I thought you would say that, after checking my past post. This has been going on for years. Once things are calm a mistake puts me back months. I know being in my forties I should bail out, but financially I'm stuck. Unless I want to be a broke man. However even when things are calm, I walk on eggshells and still get no love or respect.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 She is not mad about a tree. No, like most passive/aggressive people, she's mad because you can't read her mind. Good luck meeting that impossible and infuriating standard going forward ... Mr. Lucky
CC12 Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 She has not spoken to me since and I do not know what to do now. was I wrong? No, you weren't wrong. She asked you to do something and you were in the process of doing it. If it weren't for her interference, you would have completed the task she gave you, which was "Get a tree for Mother's Day." You didn't do it the exact way she wanted, which she didn't bother communicating to you, and she didn't even allow you the chance to fix it before getting angry at you and punishing you. All that had to happen was you taking thirty minutes to go get her the damned tree she wanted and it could have been over. A very easy fix. She moved the goalposts on you, and it was completely unfair. You couldn't win. Ultimately it was more important for her to be mad at you for something, rather than having the tree she wanted for Mother's Day. That was her choice, and you shouldn't feel like you have to correct this.
Author jasperlynx Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 thanks for the repy, if I were on the outside looking in, I would think that it is something deeper than a tree for mothers day. I almost feel she is always looking for a reason to put me in the dog house. the bigger the better!. Every other day she is griping about something, that I would feel that (maybe) another wife would not make a big deal of. But you are right....It was more important to her to be mad than to let me fix it. I imagine another wife would of said "of course you could of left the tree in the garage or side of house" "now be back as soon as you can, we have plans". But No she is not as simple as that. My son played a school concert last night and I was forced to show up in a seperate car and asked to sit alone in the auditorium. I was so freaking embarressed for myself, my younger son, and or course my son on stage. To me that was abusive and down right dirty. I don't want to fight , but I need closure.
Janesays Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 I think the main problem you AND your wife has is you both have a tendency to think the worst of each other. It doesn't seem like EITHER ONE OF YOU wants to give the other one the benefit of the doubt. I mean, look at the inner dialogue you both display when you talk/think about the actions of the other one.... Instead of thinking, "My husband really tried to please me, he just didn't think things through completely. It's not that he doesn't love me, he does. It's just that he doesn't imagine the big picture as well as I do. How can I make things easier on him so we both don't end up disappointed?" She's too busy thinking, "How could he wait until the last minute and ruin Mother's day!!!" See how this thought pattern is ultimately destructive? Oh and don't think you're getting off easy, buster, because YOU DO THE EXACT SAME THING! Instead of thinking, "Wow, she's really upset and disappointed. She probably feels as though I don't love her and take her for granted. How can I make her feel special and calm her fears that this was just a boneheaded mistake on my part and not a reflection of how I feel about her?" Instead you're too busy thinking... "She just looks for a reason to put me in the dog house! Why do I always have to walk around on eggshells around her. If it wasn't for money, I'd just leave her!" I think what you guys need is to quit seeing each other in the worst possible light. Practice thinking of each other in loving, positive terms. You guys are spending too much time nursing both real and imagined wounds instead of thinking of solutions to your communication problems. 1
TigerCub Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 I thought you would say that, after checking my past post. This has been going on for years. Once things are calm a mistake puts me back months. I know being in my forties I should bail out, but financially I'm stuck. Unless I want to be a broke man. However even when things are calm, I walk on eggshells and still get no love or respect. I'd rather be broke than live the way you do. 1
Author jasperlynx Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 makes sense to me, this has been going on for so long. She is not one to ever judge someone for thier faults....only me. How can we over come this?
Quiet Storm Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 thanks for the repy, if I were on the outside looking in, I would think that it is something deeper than a tree for mothers day. I almost feel she is always looking for a reason to put me in the dog house. the bigger the better!. Every other day she is griping about something, that I would feel that (maybe) another wife would not make a big deal of. But you are right....It was more important to her to be mad than to let me fix it. I imagine another wife would of said "of course you could of left the tree in the garage or side of house" "now be back as soon as you can, we have plans". But No she is not as simple as that. My son played a school concert last night and I was forced to show up in a seperate car and asked to sit alone in the auditorium. I was so freaking embarressed for myself, my younger son, and or course my son on stage. To me that was abusive and down right dirty. I don't want to fight , but I need closure. You need to stand up for yourself and stop being so afraid of her. Your boys need you to do that. Do you want your boys to think you are a weak man? She doesn't respect you because you allow her to call all the shots. You say things like "she forced me" or "she made me" or "she wouldn't let me". You are a grown man! Stand up for yourself. I would never dream of ordering my husband around like that. Tell her that her behavior is unacceptable. Tell her that she is being emotionally abusive and manipulative. Tell her that YOU AND YOUR boys deserve better. Tell her that your marriage dynamic is not healthy, and it is not a good model for your boys. Ask her to get help for her anger issues. Get her some books on coping skills. Show her articles online that describe the effect this behavior has on the children. Why didn't you say "Boys, c'mon we're going to get mom's present" and just take them? Why didn't you go to where your family was sitting at the concert and sit with them, or ask the people next to them to scoot down so you could sit with them? If you can't find the gumption to do this for yourself, do it for your boys. Don't you want them to respect you? If she has an outburst or starts yelling, you be the calm one. "Honey, I see that you are having trouble containing your emotions right now. Me and the boys are going for a walk to give you some space to calm down." She makes it all about you, and totally ignores her own behavior. Call her out on it. When she's doing this and the kids are looking all confused or afraid, point that out to her. When she says "but you made me act like that", say "No. As an adult you have control over your behavior. You decide how you are going to react to others, and your reactions are not healthy". Turn it around on her to help her see what she is really doing here. Tape record her and play it back. Tell the tree story to her family, or friends that she respects. Allow other people to witness this so that she can't say it's all you. Don't cover up her bad behavior- shine a light on it. 3
Mr. Lucky Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 She doesn't respect you because you allow her to call all the shots. You say things like "she forced me" or "she made me" or "she wouldn't let me". You are a grown man! Stand up for yourself. I would never dream of ordering my husband around like that. Agree 100% with this. How did she force you to "sit alone in the auditorium" ??? Hell, it's your son and family event also. Walk in and sit where you want. Anything inappropriate that happens from there is on her... Mr. Lucky
BetheButterfly Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 to make a long story short. My wife asked me to get her a tree (so we could plant it) for mothers day from the kids 13 and 10 boys, a week before mothers day. This way I would not spend money on something she does not want. I made some calls and new where to pick up the tree on Saturday before Mothers Day. BIG MISTAKE!! Maybe im ignorant, but I did not think of picking the tree at night the week before and hiding it somewhere around the house. MY thoughts, why would I do that , when I could just pick it up on Saturday and no have to worry about the care of the tree outside in the garage or wherever I would of hid it. Problem.....My wife had other plans with the kids on Saturday and when I mentioned I needed to go out and pick something up....SHE FREAKED. "How could you wait till the last minute?" "you know i had plans with the kids today". Maybe getting the tree the week before and figuring that part out would have been the better idea. Mind you it would of only would of taken 1\ 2 hour to pick it up on SAT. She put me in the doghouse...would not allow me to pick up the tree with them and did not except an apology. Basically kids had nothing to give thier mom for Mothers Day...and I was to blame. She has not spoken to me since and I do not know what to do now. was I wrong? How can I fix this...I feel horrible. I don't understand why she's mad. Saturday is fine for buying a Mother's Day present. I am sorry you feel horrible. My Dad many times bought Mother's Day presents on Mother's Day, but they were for him to give to her. My sisters and I always made Mom presents for Mother's Day. Normally we made them at school and church; we were so proud of our little selves lol! We don't anymore but I bought my Mom her Mother's Day present online on Mother's Day and she loved it (she got it the same day)! Is your wife normally a happy and content person? If she isn't, then I think that's the issue. 1
pcplod Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 makes sense to me, this has been going on for so long. She is not one to ever judge someone for thier faults....only me. How can we over come this? Short answer? You can't. It is HER issue, not yours. As you have said, even when she hasn't recently had a go at you, you are still walking on egg-shells. She is self-centred and righteous. You can't even negotiate with her And you definitely are incapable of reading her mind. It won't change because it can't change. There are thousands upon thousands of people who are in the same sort of predicament as you, so you aren't alone, not that there is much consolation in that. It may be that right now you can't contemplate the notion of living in a little apartment on your own, feeling sorry for yourself, but maybe 10 years from now you may well feel different, when the notion of actually dying in this sort of state of mind becomes more and more unappealing. It is sad, but there are men, and women divorcing in their 50s, 60s and even 70s when faced with the reality. Women particularly, are more determined than men to put an end to it eventually. The statistics on divorce support that. You have to be prepared to recognise that if she is that dissatisfied with you that there must be a 50/50 chance she will bring an abrupt end to it, maybe when the kids are independent enough.
imtooconfused Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 I am in a frighteningly similar situation and I very much sympathize/empathize with you. I have my reasons in choosing to stay also. Some of your stories sound like my history. But the key to conquering this problem and regaining yourself is to understand that her goal 110% of the time is to assert complete control over you and secondly, she uses her anger as a tool. This works so effectively because (if you are like me) you don't like people to be angry at you or because of you. You have operated under the assumption that if "I do what she expects of me" she will be happy. But she no longer wants you to make her happy, she wants you to follow her every whim. The first step is to recognize how she uses her anger to manipulate you. Work very hard to break that cycle. Figure out how to NOT internalize her anger.
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