Dumper or Dumpee Does it really matter?

[d0620]

I am leaving a year long relationship with someone who never committed to me. Was it a real relationship if they never committed? That's the question I struggle with. It felt like one and looked like one depending on the day, but he never felt I was worth settling down with. It hurts to spend a year with someone sharing thoughts, experiences, intimacy only to realize they can discard you like trash. We saw each other 3-4 times a week for a year, even if I was a common hooker on the street I am sure that would be some impact in his life. Of course if they are getting sex for free why would they dump you?

 

I am leaving because he wouldn't commit and I am tired of being used. It still feel like he dumped me and it doesnt hurt any less. Even though there is no sex, he still answers my calls and texts and occasionally still text me to say hello. Its hard to initiate NC, because I would feel like the year would have gone to waste and I would have given up any chance for him to commit to me. I havent seen him in over 2 weeks and he has called at least 10 of those 14 days including to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. It seems I am letting go at my own pace, but yesterday night I had a break down.

[youngnlove89]

I am leaving a year long relationship with someone who never committed to me. Was it a real relationship if they never committed? That's the question I struggle with. It felt like one and looked like one depending on the day, but he never felt I was worth settling down with. It hurts to spend a year with someone sharing thoughts, experiences, intimacy only to realize they can discard you like trash. We saw each other 3-4 times a week for a year, even if I was a common hooker on the street I am sure that would be some impact in his life. Of course if they are getting sex for free why would they dump you?

 

I am leaving because he wouldn't commit and I am tired of being used. It still feel like he dumped me and it doesnt hurt any less. Even though there is no sex, he still answers my calls and texts and occasionally still text me to say hello. Its hard to initiate NC, because I would feel like the year would have gone to waste and I would have given up any chance for him to commit to me. I havent seen him in over 2 weeks and he has called at least 10 of those 14 days including to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. It seems I am letting go at my own pace, but yesterday night I had a break down.

 

FIRST OF ALL....Good for you!! Congrats!!! Read my threads, I was with a commitment phobe too...I'll be back later to give you advice At work

[tinker683]

I know how you feel, I was in a similar situation. She promised me she wanted it to go somewhere but throughout the whole relationship she was always one foot in, one foot out.

 

She even came to me a year later and gave me this speech about how she was 35 and wanted kids and didn't want to mess around anymore...and then she just stopped engaging me all together. I broke up with her 3 months after that because I was tired of feeling like my life was on pause.

 

It's been 4 months since the breakup and while I'm doing a LOT better than I was back then, I'm still a mess and I still miss her terribly even though I know objectively the relationship wasn't going to end.

 

After doing some reading, I discovered that she basically future faked me (promising you a future they have no real intention of following through on or that they turn around and back out of) and it sounds like he did the same to you.

 

I'm sorry for what happened. It really sucks

[d0620]

FIRST OF ALL....Good for you!! Congrats!!! Read my threads, I was with a commitment phobe too...I'll be back later to give you advice At work

 

I just realized I can PM now.. so feel free to message me.

[Own Worst Enemy]

the label doesn't affect how much you had invested in it, or how much it hurts that you are having to walk away.

 

[d0620]

the label doesn't affect how much you had invested in it, or how much it hurts that you are having to walk away.

 

 

My feelings exactly... I told him I would not contact him anymore but I am unsure if I am strong enough to stick to it.

[Own Worst Enemy]

this or the constant agony of loving someone who doesn't feel the same, and not knowing what/who he is getting up to.

 

i wish i'd gone NC almost 2 years ago. still, 9 days in, and i already know that the thought of never seeing him again is a damn sight less painful than the thought of him with someone else. the former is sad but tolerable. the latter is excruciating. this tells me that somehow it really is more about ME and MY issues than it is about him, but i don't understand it yet.

 

perhaps if you ask that key question and see what the answer is for you, it might help you get a bit closer. i think ignorance has to be more bliss than rejection??

[happydate]

I am leaving a year long relationship with someone who never committed to me. Was it a real relationship if they never committed? That's the question I struggle with. It felt like one and looked like one depending on the day, but he never felt I was worth settling down with. It hurts to spend a year with someone sharing thoughts, experiences, intimacy only to realize they can discard you like trash. We saw each other 3-4 times a week for a year, even if I was a common hooker on the street I am sure that would be some impact in his life. Of course if they are getting sex for free why would they dump you?

 

I am leaving because he wouldn't commit and I am tired of being used. It still feel like he dumped me and it doesnt hurt any less. Even though there is no sex, he still answers my calls and texts and occasionally still text me to say hello. Its hard to initiate NC, because I would feel like the year would have gone to waste and I would have given up any chance for him to commit to me. I havent seen him in over 2 weeks and he has called at least 10 of those 14 days including to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. It seems I am letting go at my own pace, but yesterday night I had a break down.

 

It does not matter either way. What matters is you. If you go into a relationship authentically, then your heart will always tell you the truth if he is truly commitment based. Unfortunately, most of us have scars and baggage with the heart somewhat working. So we switched to using logic and head games. It's like watching the Western movies of a gun slinger. Who's going to draw the first shot?

 

There are people, men out there, who play a game called challenge. Basically making him hard to get. The precept is that, people always want what they can't get and by him making himself hard to commit, he figures he can play this game with you forever. The fact of the matter is, people play these games are fake, non-authentic and eventually you who come in authentically into the relationship will figure out that it's a fake.

 

When you date with your heart "OPEN", it's easy to spot these people. I am a man and I'm used to spotting FUTURE-scape women (you know the one that promised I'll be with you and marry you) and knowingly calling their bluff. My heart will feel strange, nervousness and uneasiness, because their heart is shut down and fear permeating from them. If their heart is open, you will feel the ease and warmth coming from them. And I have felt it from some gorgeous and sincere women. Therefore, they exist and so do sincere men.

 

Recover and heal your heart well. Take as much time as you need. Let out the anger and resentment as much as you must need. When you feel good and ready, go out and date again.