Is it weak to attempt reconciliation?

[Confused48]

 

Yes, the confusion has ended for me. It was long process; one that I fought internally for way too long.

 

I am at peace with my decision to remain with him and I am comfortable with my H. But remember, this has now been 4.5 years and I'm still seeing my feelings evolve in this. You're still very early on.

 

 

I'm happy for you and happy to hear there is hope of a good result.

 

Oh sure, I could divorce him and move on to someone who would theoretically "never cheat on me." Which is the common advice given to someone who has been in our situation.

 

But you know, I'm just a little too jaded for that now. I will never, ever be that naive or trusting again.

 

I totally get this. Anyone can cheat. I think I'm less likely to myself now having suffered through this. I think my WS is less likely too. There have been severe consequences for WS. Not just from me either. Lots of soul searching by WS. I see big changes in WS. I don't think any new person could be any less likely to cheat. Still, I am not comfortable, yet, saying that I'm with the cheater. So if I do leave, I'd probably never do this marriage thing again.

 

Not sure if any of this helps you...but it kind of helps ME writing it out like this.

 

Your posts are a great help! Thanks for sharing.

[Quiet Storm]

I don't think it's weak to reconcile.

 

My husband has not cheated, but if he did I would try my best to keep my family together.

 

I believe that kids truly do better with both parents in the home, unless there is abuse involved. I can think of many aquaintences over the years that say "I'm glad my parents split. The divorce didn't affect me at all". Meanwhile they are alcoholic, or codependent, or unsuccessful, or a cheater, or depressed, have tons of relationship drama, etc. I remember in high school most of the kids that turned to drugs or dropped their plans for college were affected by divorce. I think it can create a real trauma for a child. In cases where the home is warzone, divorce would be the lesser of two evils. This is just my opinion.

 

I think I would view infidelity like an addiction- a problem that can be fixed if the cheater/addict is determined to change and gets counseling to work on their underlying issues. Sometimes they just need to learn healthy coping skills and how to keep firm boundaries.

 

If my husband we an alcoholic and refused to get help, kept drinking & causing drama, getting DUI's, I would end the marriage. I would do the same if he cheated repeatedly, continued to lie & disrespect me. However, I think it would take a lot to get to that point, because I do believe in marriage for life (I'm not religious, though).

 

But if the cheater or addict is remorseful, if they acknowledge their issues and get professional help to resolve them, if they are actively working to change...then I would remain married. An intact family is worth it to me.

 

I would take a bullet for my kids, and enduring the pain of infidelity would be the bullet. I don't think it's weak, personally.

[turnera]

I guess I was not as attached to the other person as I am now to this one.

Or you don't want to have to go through finding another mate and REALLY not trusting women this time. So the danger you know...