Is it weak to attempt reconciliation?

[Confused48]

I'm a BS, trying to reconcile. We are about 10 months post Dday. NC since one week post Dday. I'm having trouble with the decision to reconcile. I think it is what I want. But I'm not sure it is the right thing to do.

 

I've told almost no one about the A. I've not told because I feel like at least some people would think that I'm weak to accept a WS back. Even a remorseful and repentant WS. I'm not the kind of person that usually cares what other people think of me. So when in this case I'm suddenly caring very much, I wonder if that is because I'm already internally making that judgment, i.e.: that I am a weak and pitiful excuse of a person to accept back my WS.

 

I see a lot of posts here from people that say they would never try to reconcile with a WS. Some say its just not for them but that they can see why others might try it. Others go farther and say it is a sign of weakness and that anyone that reconciles is making a bad choice. Nofool4U - is one that comes to mind. (Sorry if I misunderstand you NoFool.)

 

Another view point is that it is easier to walk away. That reconciliation is very hard and painful but in the end it is worth it if it works. That I did nothing to cause the A so why feel ashamed about reconciling. That if you love your WS it would be a mistake to not try to reconcile.

 

Leaving aside situations as 1) where the BS feels the A facts were extreme or unusual such that a reconciliation was beyond hope, not just any A's but in their case; or 2) the opposite fact patterns such as the need of the BS to stay with a WS for reasons having nothing to do with love of the WS such as kids, money issues, lack options, etc; leaving aside these two situations, what do you think, is it wrong to try to reconcile? Should I stop this? Am I weak? Should I keep trying? I'm open to any and all views on this.

[Almond_Joy]

Agree with poster above. Ultimately the decision is yours. Your happiness and sense of peace is at stake, and if you don't take whatever steps are needed to get those things no one else will, or even can.

 

I will say that cheating is a terrible event to be a victim of, and it's not a wound that heals quickly or without work. If you've read the other posts you've seen people struggle with the aftermath of infidelity for YEARS. I think you will wonder often if it's worth the work. As you noticed, many decide the love they share is worth trying to repair. I think that is the decision you have to make. And if it's worth it to you, that's all the validation you need.

[2sunny]

I looked at a bit of your prior threads...mainly because you gave little info to work from...

 

It appears your H isn't doing everything and anything to repair the damage he caused. Is that correct?

 

If he's not willing to do WAAAYYY more than you - and to take the lead - by doing the heavy lifting and being honest - then there's not much healing to be expected.

 

What exactly has HE changed and done since you discovered the affair?

[Almond_Joy]

Also wanted to add that I think it's crucial that your husband understands that this is a long process and accepts that he will have to work to earn your trust back for a long time, probably longer than he assumes. If he's not going to see this through to the end he may cause more pain and irreparable damage later down the line by bailing on the recovery process. Make sure you are both in this together until your sense of trust and security is restored.

[dichotomy]

You gave exceptions to ignore for reconciling. So I will ignore.

 

I don't know all the details so I will just answer in general.

 

You are asking if reconciling is weak. Well it can be - in my view if your reconciling because you NEED his love and can't live without him or it. Ya that's weak. Sorry, that's just my view. I was this way with my first marriage and wife's affair. What will I do with out you? please please - I will take you back.....I will be better, we can fix this....well F that!

 

Now if your staying because of your love for him and commitment to your vows and marriage, and your not going to give up on a life together and you feel strong about it and about yourself.....and your reconciliation has terms and boundaries.. and willing to keep going for now...well that's strong - you are strong.

Edited May 14, 2013 by dichotomy

[So happy together]

Don't listen to anyone. You have to just look inward on this one. Hell, don't even listen to me. Just do what you think is best for you. It sounds like you don't know, and that's okay too. My opinion, take it or leave it, is to give it a little time until you are more clear in what you want. Make sure you are going back because you feel he can give you what you need from a relationship, not out of obligation, guilt, stability, on and on. If you think he can LOVE YOU in the way you desire, then you'll know it's the right thing for you.

 

Hang in there. I'm sorry you're confused. That is a horrible feeling. xx

 

By the way, remember this: if you decide he can't give you what you need, there are men out there that are willing and able. Men that want to be in a good relationship. Don't give up.

[Spark1111]

Do you LOVE him?

 

Because reconciling was one of the hardest things I have ever attempted in my life.

 

It takes incredible courage to go through this process AND trememdous effort by both spouses to create something better between them.

 

If you believe reconciliation after one partner has an affair means going back to the same ole, same ole...that is a recipe for disaster.

 

There is some humiliation for the BS; why didn't we know? Was something wrong with us? And the answer is almost always 'no."

 

But that is no reason to keep it secret from family and close friends who would want to try and support you through this.

 

I think you need more support and guidance than an internet forum can provide.

 

Have you gone to IC? MC? Spoke to your priest or pastor?

 

What have you and HE done to heal from this?

[Spark1111]

PS: ALMOST EVERYONE claims they would NEVER take back a cheating spouse, yet statistically, about 90% do inititally.

 

It is what happens in the aftermath that is most important to your future relationship.

 

Time does not heal all wounds. What you DO WITH THAT TIME is even more important.

[Confused48]

Thanks to those of you that posted that it is up to me. That I should look inward. I have and get conflicting answers. I was hoping to read something here that had not thought of myself and it would click for me and I'd think, "Yes, that makes total sense." No easy answers I guess.

[Confused48]

 

It appears your H isn't doing everything and anything to repair the damage he caused. Is that correct?

 

 

It has been a long process. On Dday there was fake remorse. Real remorse for WS's self but fake for me or us. Gradually with NC the A fog lifted. Still not a lot of work by WS but some. And some true remorse. Then I gave up. Got tired of waiting. Had an incident where I did a 180. Not to affect change but b/c I gave up hope.

 

Then true change came. That was at the end of January. So not that long ago. WS does more and more all the time. And its ironic, the more WS does the more I think, do I really want to be with WS? I guess I'm liberated, I'm feeling more that the decision is mine. So now that it is mine, I don't know what I want. First off I want my old life back. Thats never going to happen. So what then, live without the WS that I love? Live with the WS that crushed me so badly? No good options.

 

I do know that if I stay with WS that I don't want people to know about the A because I feel that, yes, I deserve a partner that does not do this. I'm ashamed that I have to accept less. If that is what I decide to do. No one should have to put up with that kind of thing. Yes, I was one of those people that swore I'd never take back a WS. I was sure I would not. I know its not the same but I ended a long time non-marital relationship because of an A. And thought I would if this person cheated as well. I guess I was not as attached to the other person as I am now to this one.

[Confused48]

 

There is some humiliation for the BS; why didn't we know? Was something wrong with us? And the answer is almost always 'no."

 

My humiliation is that I'm still with someone that treated me so badly. If I believe I deserve better, I should not be with this person anymore. Since I am.... I'm humiliated.

 

But that is no reason to keep it secret from family and close friends who would want to try and support you through this.

 

I think you need more support and guidance than an internet forum can provide.

 

Have you gone to IC? MC? Spoke to your priest or pastor?

 

I have told two close friends. WS told a mutual friend that also has been helpful to me. I am also in IC.

 

What have you and HE done to heal from this?

 

Not sure what you mean by this. We talk. We keep in constant contact whenever possible. We are reminding each other of why we fell in love in the first place.

[drifter777]

Your situation regarding the shame you feel for what she did and that you were weak to accept that treatment and take a cheating wife back is pretty much my story to the T. Reading this is a real trigger for me so I need to mull this over before I respond.

[Spark1111]

My humiliation is that I'm still with someone that treated me so badly. If I believe I deserve better, I should not be with this person anymore. Since I am.... I'm humiliated.

 

 

 

I have told two close friends. WS told a mutual friend that also has been helpful to me. I am also in IC.

 

 

 

Not sure what you mean by this. We talk. We keep in constant contact whenever possible. We are reminding each other of why we fell in love in the first place.

 

You DO DESERVE better. Demand it from the person you love.....Most of all, give yourself TIME to make a choice.

[drifter777]

You always refer to your partner as WS so can you post whether you are BH or BW? Feels like BH but can you clarify?

[sweet_pea]

No, I don't think it's weak to attempt reconciliation. If anything, you have to be a strong person to do so (just as you have to be strong to decide to end the marriage). All in all, it takes a strong person to handle the relationship after DDay, whether it's to reconcile or break up, and I definitely have respect for the BS' who attempted to reconcile and it ended up not working, attempted to reconcile and it did work, and decided to the relationship all together!

 

Really, just follow your heart (as cliché as it sounds). You know what you will and will not put up with, you know and can weigh if the relationship is worth saving to you. The others are just that... others, who don't live your life. If you don't want to reconcile, do it for you and not what others have to say. If you do want to reconcile, do it for you.

 

Good luck!!

[Confused48]

Do you feel humiliated because of the affair or because you are staying after the affair? Are you feeling humiliated because you think other people will think you're weak for staying or because that is how you would feel whether anyone else knew or not?

 

I feel all three.

 

1) I'm humiliated that I was victimized. That I trusted too much. That I did not see the danger soon enough.

 

2) But more importantly I feel as you say, humiliated because, not just other people, but me, myself, I feel like I am indeed weak to stay. I'm accepting less than I should. Why would I do that? Why not demand better?

 

3) And yes, not as important, but I do feel like other people will view me as less than before once they know what has happened and that I did not leave. I used to be that way. As Spark said, I was one of those. The ones that think they would NEVER..... But this is not really that important. Its a minor bother.

[drifter777]

Let me preface this by being clear that I'm not your counselor and cannot diagnose you with any true accuracy. I can share my experience and you can decide how much of it fits you.

 

The answer to your question is completely dependent on your personal life experiences - especially when you were growing up. As for me, I was raised by a mean, alcoholic father who rained physical and mental abuse on me for years. My mother was busy trying to stay alive herself and keep all six of us kids safe. I wish she would have divorced him but I understand the financial motivations that she felt. All of this bent me into a codependent. You should look up the symptoms and see a counselor to verify, but a summary is:

 

Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns. Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.

 

The denial part includes a big dose of conflict avoidance and a searing need to smooth things (especially trauma) over and keep peace in the family. If you accept this at face value then it helps explain a big reason why you took her back. It was to stop the pain and confusion her cheating caused you while hoping time would heal you and allow your family life to return to "normal". Of course, this is a broken way to deal with her infidelity and simply can't work for long.

 

Your current self-loathing is directly connected to the shame you feel. You are ashamed because having the person you trust more than anyone in your life betray you in such a horrific manner confirms your fear that you somehow deserve to be treated like this. You do this because it feels more "comfortable" for you to take this hurt, swallow it, pretend it didn't happen and try to move forward. You need to hide it because of the embarrassment you will feel when others know you are so worthless and because their reaction might upset the stable family life you think you have. You are reliving the traumatic events you experienced as a child and dealing with them the same way you did then.

 

Over time the healthy part of your psyche has begun to scream at you that NO - YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED SO BADLY! You need to embrace your new feelings as they are trying to fix the pathological way you are living your life. If you are like me then the suffering you are going through is not going to go away on its own. Please begin working on this with an individual counselor as soon as possible.

[waterwoman]

I understand how you feel.

 

1. What was inadequate about me that he cheated?

2. Why did he come back? Guilt, pity, laziness?

3. Why didn't I have the self-esteem to kick him out?

 

Truth is so much more complex. But there is no way to advise you. Only you know your own mind and your own instinct. And your WS. I wish there was a manual. There isn't.

[Owl]

Here's my thought.

 

It's weak if you let yourself worry about what other, outside folks think about WHATEVER choice you make about your relationship, your future.

 

I reconciled. Some folks here (in the past, no time recently) have tried to call me 'weak' for doing so.

 

Smurf 'em. That can only bother me if I find that I value that opinion. I'm happy with where my marriage, my life is at. And that, boys and girls, is all that matters.

 

Weak, not weak. Smart, foolish. Whatever.

 

Don't concern yourself with titles...decide what you want as an outcome in your own situation, and work towards it. Let the supporters support, and the haters hate. Don't let it matter, and it won't.

[Snowflower]

Here's my thought.

 

It's weak if you let yourself worry about what other, outside folks think about WHATEVER choice you make about your relationship, your future.

 

I reconciled. Some folks here (in the past, no time recently) have tried to call me 'weak' for doing so.

 

Smurf 'em. That can only bother me if I find that I value that opinion. I'm happy with where my marriage, my life is at. And that, boys and girls, is all that matters.

 

Weak, not weak. Smart, foolish. Whatever.

 

Don't concern yourself with titles...decide what you want as an outcome in your own situation, and work towards it. Let the supporters support, and the haters hate. Don't let it matter, and it won't.

 

Well said. I was trying to think of what I could say that wouldn't just be a "pat" response to the OP in this regard.

 

Besides, didn't you say that nobody knows about your spouse's affair? If so, how can these people think anything about your marriage?

 

Could it be that you're worried that other people's opinion might just reflect your own deep feelings about reconciling after an affair?

[drifter777]

I think a sufficient "pat answer" might be that we all react to the betrayal of infidelity differently. This is why it is so vitally important to seek counseling in the wake of d-day. If a BS can't afford personal counseling then get access to the wealth of books that provide insights into infidelity and recovery. Hiding away and hoping it will fix itself isn't going to work for most people.

[Confused48]

 

Could it be that you're worried that other people's opinion might just reflect your own deep feelings about reconciling after an affair?

 

 

This is it exactly. I'm the kind of person that normally does not care AT ALL what anyone thinks of me. This is so true for me that I have to sometimes pull back and act as if I do care so as to not offend. So when in this case I'm suddenly caring what others might think, if they knew, that is a bad sign. It is even a hypothetical problem at that but still I'm caring. Which of course means it is really about my own uneasiness.

[Confused48]

Let me preface this by being clear that I'm not your counselor and cannot diagnose you with any true accuracy. I can share my experience and you can decide how much of it fits you.

 

The answer to your question is completely dependent on your personal life experiences - especially when you were growing up. As for me, I was raised by a mean, alcoholic father who rained physical and mental abuse on me for years. My mother was busy trying to stay alive herself and keep all six of us kids safe. I wish she would have divorced him but I understand the financial motivations that she felt. All of this bent me into a codependent. You should look up the symptoms and see a counselor to verify, but a summary is:

 

Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns. Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.

 

The denial part includes a big dose of conflict avoidance and a searing need to smooth things (especially trauma) over and keep peace in the family. If you accept this at face value then it helps explain a big reason why you took her back. It was to stop the pain and confusion her cheating caused you while hoping time would heal you and allow your family life to return to "normal". Of course, this is a broken way to deal with her infidelity and simply can't work for long.

 

Your current self-loathing is directly connected to the shame you feel. You are ashamed because having the person you trust more than anyone in your life betray you in such a horrific manner confirms your fear that you somehow deserve to be treated like this. You do this because it feels more "comfortable" for you to take this hurt, swallow it, pretend it didn't happen and try to move forward. You need to hide it because of the embarrassment you will feel when others know you are so worthless and because their reaction might upset the stable family life you think you have. You are reliving the traumatic events you experienced as a child and dealing with them the same way you did then.

 

Over time the healthy part of your psyche has begun to scream at you that NO - YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED SO BADLY! You need to embrace your new feelings as they are trying to fix the pathological way you are living your life. If you are like me then the suffering you are going through is not going to go away on its own. Please begin working on this with an individual counselor as soon as possible.

 

This is a lot to think about. Thank you for sharing. I do have things in common with you.

 

I am in IC. I have been since Dday. It is an IC that helped me previously.

[Steen719]

Confused, I really do know what you mean. When my XH cheated on me year 8 into the marriage, I stayed with him. Honestly, I am not sure of the reasons, but I guess they were that I loved him, I thought anyone can screw up, I had a 7 yr. old son. I did tell family and some friends and the opinions were as varied as they were, but I do think most of them were surprised I stayed. Life rocked on and I didn't exactly regret it, but I felt a little icky about myself. I wish I could explain what I mean, but I just felt like I settled, I stayed despite saying I would never do that, I felt I deserved it, I felt I didn't deserve it. I didn't feel the same about myself after and that is the worst part and if I am being truthful, that contributed to the demise of my marriage 14 years later. He doesn't have the character he should and there are other issues that no matter what I felt or did, he had done it before and it is part of his makeup. My problem was that I never felt as "good" about myself after that. And honestly, I am not sure if I had been with someone else after that, if I would have felt that or not.

 

The second time was much easier. I felt good enough about myself that I knew I wouldn't put that effort into reconciling again. His cold attitude didn't help. I did and do regret my marriage being over for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that I filed Chapter 13 this very day, today.

 

We went to counseling, too, both times, although I can't tell you if we got that much from it. We both have FOO issues and I can say some of these were in play from the beginning.

 

About the only thing I could say to you is I understand and unless you can work out those feelings, you will most likely continue to question your decision. Some things I wish I had done are I wish I had gone to IC (you are ahead of me there), faced head on why the affair happened - I would have understood it was more him than me, made him work hard to have me back as I offered cheap forgiveness to make it all go away and I (just me, now....not saying it is best for everyone), wish I had packed his sh** up, sent him to his love, called her husband and told every single person I could about just what an ass he had been. I think that would have been better for me, regardless of whether it was for him or not.

 

Good Luck to you.

[2sunny]

This is it exactly. I'm the kind of person that normally does not care AT ALL what anyone thinks of me. This is so true for me that I have to sometimes pull back and act as if I do care so as to not offend. So when in this case I'm suddenly caring what others might think, if they knew, that is a bad sign. It is even a hypothetical problem at that but still I'm caring. Which of course means it is really about my own uneasiness.

 

Do you feel that you might be betraying yourself by staying?