I did it! Said goodbye formally to MM who thought we could be "Friends"

[ICantStopLovinHim]

Boy what a drug!!!!!!

 

I left my MM two years ago never got any better still feels worse. I went for months no contact it was hard as hell. I gave in to the temptaion and emailed got back into talking as friends made MANY attempts to see each other but he never fell through with it....was supposed to call me two weeks ago and still hasnt.....promised to write and didnt...... and yet WHY THE HELL DID I GIVE IN AND WRITE JUST NOW??? UGHH i feel so so so so so so STUPID capital S>>>>> UGHH i am so mad at myself for giving in but i just cant help it My mind wont listen to what my heart says,,,,,that its broken. ANd now that its been three hours with no response I feel even worse. What am i supposed to do?? I am so ready to ask my job to cut off ALL My outof office email just to punish myself and NOT BE ABLE to write him. UGHHHHHH i feel awfull I need help

[2ndConfusedfemale]

Originally posted by ICantStopLovinHim

Boy what a drug!!!!!!

 

I left my MM two years ago never got any better still feels worse. I went for months no contact it was hard as hell. I gave in to the temptaion and emailed got back into talking as friends made MANY attempts to see each other but he never fell through with it....was supposed to call me two weeks ago and still hasnt.....promised to write and didnt...... and yet WHY THE HELL DID I GIVE IN AND WRITE JUST NOW??? UGHH i feel so so so so so so STUPID capital S>>>>> UGHH i am so mad at myself for giving in but i just cant help it My mind wont listen to what my heart says,,,,,that its broken. ANd now that its been three hours with no response I feel even worse. What am i supposed to do?? I am so ready to ask my job to cut off ALL My outof office email just to punish myself and NOT BE ABLE to write him. UGHHHHHH i feel awfull I need help

 

well, in an ideal world, what do you REALLY think that it would take for you to leave him alone? Sometimes I think that the only way out for me would be a) for him to just tell me that he wants to be with her and that even if they broke up he still wouldn't want me. b) for me to just tell him how I still have feelings for him and see how he reacts to that and if he tells me that he still has feelings for me for me to tell him to try (again) to work on his relationship because as long as he still has contact with me he isn't giving her his all. or c) for me and him to FINALLY get our chance, become a couple and then I see that it isn't what I thought it would be and we finally break up.

 

...I know myself and I know that if he was to just SAY that there is no chance for us I would leave him alone completely and/or if he was to get her pregnant get engaged or something. I need something that lets me get rid of the "one day we could be together" fantasy. so, what do you think needs to happen for you to be "done" what would be the straw that breaks the camel's back?

[ICantStopLovinHim]

I think your a or your B would have to happen for me. I know it seems dramatic that it has been two years since I ended it AND im still hurting......But hey i cant make myself stop loving him I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING.......I wish he would tell me that he doesnt love me that he hates me thathe never wants to hear from me EVER AGAIN......But he wont because they like to string you along like a little puppet.

[ChloeChloe]

I REALLY appreciate the outpouring of support! It is terrific and gives me that extra boost-especially as i found my mind wandering a bit today when I was copied on a business email from him. It got my mind going on a downward spiral, then I came here and felt better!

 

Izzy- thanks for the support!! I understand your situation is different and I think you should just handle it the best way you can. I need to stay in touch with mine for professional reasons as well, so I expect we will have to have some contact at a later point w hen I am more comfortable with that. You are a strong person and you will overcome this. Ditto on no more married men!I'm dead scared I'll make another mistake after just getting a divorce AND ending an affair. Looks like we need to continue to do some self exploration..

 

2nd confused- Glad you can relate to the competitiveness! I feel a little immature about it but I have some a negative view on his wife(supported by others who know her, not just him!) and i feel like I have been a rescuer of sorts. I do think he deserves better than that manipulative btch but that is HIS problem and HIS choice to stay with her, right? I would continue with the NC and take notice of your mood during this time. You will probably notice that peace you were speaking of and hopefully you will feel it more often!

 

Fran-holidays, ooh good thinking!!! I HATED Christmas break last year when he was away with his family. you are right-you must get addicted to something you can have 100%!!!

 

Icantstoplovinhim- Don't be so hard on yourself!! We have all done the same thing-email is TOOO easy to use to stay in contact!!! Turning off your email is a good idea, or sending an email to friends, or write him an email and deposit it in your drafts folder-with the rule you will wait one day before sending it! maybe then you will have changed your mind.

 

My MM did say to me what a couple of you were saying below-"Our sexual relationship cannot continue." (I'm abbreviating here). It was the first time he really laid it out. Before, he would just redraw and not say anything, leaving me to feel rejected and eventually having to ask him what was wrong. And...every time when he did this and I asked "Why didn't you just tell me?" he said he was afraid I wouldn't keep talking to him.. So-yes, stringing along-he wanted me to have me just the way he wanted at that time..

I had to push him to say the phrase above, but it was significant having him say it to me, because I've repeated it in my head many times. I think his saying this has made a difference in my ability to stick with it.

[2ndConfusedfemale]

Hey CC. How is the NC coming along? I haven't talked to the guy that I was dealing with in 5 days, and everything is cool in my world. We never agree to not talk or anything like that, or agree to just stop talking, but we did acknowledge that when we talk we want to see each other, and when we see each other we want to go further so we needed to lessen that because he has a girlfriend...

 

...But we both COULD still talk to one another if we wanted to. But I've realize that I really have no desire to talk to him because I want more than an occasional conversation. And he probably doesn't want to talk to me that often because when he does he wants me to go into "other woman" mode and he knows that I told him that's not happening so I could see him keeping his distance for that reason.

 

ANYWAY, I guess I'm at peace with us not talking because I have finally acknowleged that I don't want to be "just friends" and I'm dag on sure not going to be his female on the side, and since I'm not getting what I want and I'm trying my best to not compete and "win" him, there is no real reason for us to continue talking.

 

OR maybe I'm "at peace" because I know that this time there is no bitterness between us. We didn't get into an arguement, and we haven't done anything to hurt one another so the door is still opened for us to talk. Or maybe its because I don't think that him and his girlfriend are going to work out in the long run and since I don't want a serious relationship right now him being in a relationship doesn't bother me. Who knows?

 

But I do know that I will NOT be initiating ANY conversation with him. Not because I'm angry or anything, but its too intense when we talk because I enjoy talking to him, and its too much to be around him because I enjoy being around him, so every moment of happiness is followed by a "why is he still with his girlfriend?" and I don't feel like driving myself crazy with "why not me?" thoughts. But I also know that if we don't talk any this month I probably will I was about to say send a "how are you doing?" email, but then it hit me that if he doesn't try to contact me in a whole month, then what reason will there be for me to contact him. So, it's back to my original thoughts, if he doesn't try to talk to me we just won't be talking.

[ChloeChloe]

2ndconfused-Good for you for deciding what you want and not accepting less! That is a key in this whole other woman thing-we settled for a while by playing by 2nd fiddle but then we have to say enough is enough, and if they can't give us what we want then we need to stand firm with no contact! That truly is the definition of respecting yourself, and the fact that you were able to do it without an argument and bitterness is that much the better. As far his not contacting you-I really think guys IN GENERAL are better at sticking with NC than women. He is probably respecting what you said by not contacting you, and it doesn't mean he doesn't miss you. He just doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too anymore!

As far as sticking with his woman, I don't know but maybe they have a long history together and he has a lot invested in it and isn't ready to give up on it just yet. He may come to figure out in time that the relationship isn't saveable-but you shouldn't spend any of your time waiting. good for you!

 

I'm doing okay on NC. Like your guy, my MM respects my wish for NC and didn't contact me for a week. However, I did get a quick email from him today saying "Hi. I didn’t want to break any rules, but just wanted you to know I was thinking about you. I’ll go away now. Take care." I replied saying "thank you." and left it at that. It did make me feel good, and it stroked my pride because I almost faltered last night and broke NC first after 2 glasses of wine!!! My only saving grace was that I made myself save the email to send today if I still wanted to, and of course now I won't send it! As we have commiserated, the pride and competitiveness is a theme here, and knowing that he was missing me made me feel good, but I still won't re-engage with him. I have been enjoying not knowing what is going on in his life this past week, and have been reflecting on how disappointing our purely friendship interactions have been for me over the past couple months.

[2ndConfusedfemale]

thankyou Chloe. Who knows what's going on as far as me and that guy, or him and his girlfriend is concerned? He could be just "keeping is distance" because he knows that it USUALLY drives me crazy, and since I like a challenge, that would be enough for me to start acting the way he wants me to act, or give in or something. He could be taking a step back to think (that's usually what he does), he could also be trying to keep his distance from me to put a genuine effort into working it out with her, or it could simply be that since we decided to talk sporatically that's what he's doing, who knows? What I do know is that since there was nothing bad I can call and he'll answer and vice versa. But I really don't want to talk to him right now because all it would do is remind me of what I don't have.

 

...when I told him that we weren't going any further he said that it made him respect me more. He was disappointed because he thought that I would give in, but I told him that once I found out he had a girlfriend I was not going to voluntarily become is OW.

 

...as far as I know about him and his girlfriend, they have been a couple since March03, and he's known her since Jan03. He met me in late March, and of course he played that "he wish that he would've met me first" card. So, who knows? All I do know is that if they do break up I do not want a direct hand in it. I wouldn't mind inspiring it, but not 'hands on' influencing his decision. I'd prefer that they break up because it's not working, and not because I gave him an ultimatum or anything like that.

 

...oh, and sometimes I wonder what he would say/do if I told him that I still had feelings for him, and that I want more than to be his female 'on the side'