waterwoman Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 I've found the way to stop obsessing over an affair! Wait till your WS loses his/her job and all of a sudden the affair doesn't matter. Hey ho...after 20 years of being the main earner and financially carrying him, we reached the point where we earned the same and things were OK. And he effed up! So cross with him But at least the affair is not even an issue in my mind now. So..... it's one option I suppose.
BetrayedH Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 I've found the way to stop obsessing over an affair! Wait till your WS loses his/her job and all of a sudden the affair doesn't matter. Hey ho...after 20 years of being the main earner and financially carrying him, we reached the point where we earned the same and things were OK. And he effed up! So cross with him But at least the affair is not even an issue in my mind now. So..... it's one option I suppose. Sorry to hear that, WW. I will admit that I laughed at your humorous spin although you might not really find it funny. I lost my job the same week my divorce was finalized. I was like, REALLY?! Fortunately, I had put money away for retirement and as much as I didn't want to tap into it, it got me by. And so I just see it as a fresh start at life all around. Anyway, I truly hope you find ways to make it through. Sometimes a change in jobs can be a good thing. Keep your chin up.
Author waterwoman Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 Thanks yes it does suck! But I am exaggerating a little. He's a teacher of kids with behavioural difficulties - he's brilliant with the kids, really relates to them and them to him, his classes are the best behaved in the school, but the rules in the UK regarding teaching have changed so much and a lot of the job is form-filling and assesssment and he is cr*p at that! So he's been told he can be subject to a capability process which is horrible and usually reduces grown adults and experienced teachers to nervous breakdown.... or be demoted to a learning support assistant. They really like him in the school but they can't carry him anymore on a full teaching salary. The head has said she will support him in further training to get back to teaching but meanwhile.... It just frustrates me! So back to peanut wages again and unfortunately we moved to our 'forever home' on the back of his teaching salary. He was very stressed recently and not happy so it's a good thing in some ways. he went to university to train at the grand old age of 30 after having been made redundant. took him over 10 years after that to decide to actually make the effort to get a teaching job and it was perfect - the perfect school, the perfect location (at the end of our road!) so it was inevitable something would go wrong <sigh> So fed up of being the grown up. Actually it was quite funny (ironic anyway). We went for a walk with dog last night to get a change to talk away from the kids. We ended up taking the same route we did last year for a 'talk' when he came clean about his affair - almost a year ago today. Oh how we laughed when we realised.....
Author waterwoman Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 Shall I call up the OW and tell her she can have him? 4
underwater2010 Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 We are too much alike. My husband lost his back in Feb. He just started back to work a the beginning of May. I found my self more worried about another affair because he got depressed. But nothing happened . Now we play catch up!!! Good luck and hope he finds something soon. 1
Author waterwoman Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 Lordy I feel like crap [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]H went out to play cards with some friends last night. He came home a bit drunk. We had a long session of self-pity and mea culpa in bed. ‘I’ve let you down, I’ve let everyone down. I’ve failed’. Actually didn’t make me feel sorry for him, made me mad! Because yes, it’s true, all of it. Yet again I am supporting him emotionally as well as financially and practically. He had an affair and I managed to feel he was doing me a favour by reconciling. He lost his job because, by his own admission, he is a lazy bugger. He wants to be the life and soul, the popular, funny, well-known character, not the hard-working, sensible family man. I have to be the sensible one. I have always had to be the one that fixed things. I am TIRED. I am disillusioned. I want someone to look after me for a change. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]This might be the nail in the coffin. Sounds crazy but right now this feels like much more of a kick in the teeth than the affair. Weird. [/sIZE][/FONT]
Got it Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 WW - I don't think it is weird, some of the behaviors may be showing to be similar, maybe a bit of victim mentality? So when you are looking for your counterpart to assess, plan and attack a situation and not grovel at your feet like a child waiting for you to clean up the mess (again?) this can be exhausting and cause you to lose respect. So he keeps doing things in his life to make things difficult for himself and those around him but isn't owning those actions. I can see how that is frustrating. ((((WW))))) Don't feel that you have to take care of him, fix him, or protect him from himself. You need an equal partner and he needs to man up and show you what he is able to do. If he can't, you don't have to take care of him like he is your adult dependent, always looking to WW to get him out of a fix. Do what is best and fair for you. Put you first in the partnership, he has put himself first many a time.
Author waterwoman Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 Thanks gotit and LFH. I just needed to vent. This is who he is. This is who he has always been so it's a bit daft to complain now. But there were are.... I'm just human. Won't be able to disappear anywhere for a while - mum had just had a knee replacement op, she's just been taken to the recovery ward so I want to be around for her as much as possible this weekend. And for my dad. i do love him. He honestly has a lot of fantastic characteristics just haven't seen much of them recently....
Silly_Girl Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Oh WW. I'm sorry! That's ****. Just want to pass you the first of many cocktails and crank up the dancing music!!
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