emulov Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Hello all, I have been reading here a lot in the past week and a half and i think i should tell my story and ask for advise. My girlfriend of almost 2 years is very upset and confused about bumping into her ex. let me explain: We live together and things have been going well in our relationship - no problems - we love each other to bits, have respect and trust for each other and hardly ever fight, if we do its normaly about something small and doesnt last long. About 2 weeks ago on a Saturday she went to friends of ours house to discuss the girl's wedding plans. These friends are also friends of her ex but i have always known this and there were never ever any problems with this. While she was there, her ex showed up as he was out for the day with the guy ( girl who is getting married's fiance ). He was drunk though and started talking to my girlfriend telling her how amazing she is etc. She came back that evening and we went to bed as usual but the next morning she just started crying and told me she feels extremely bad and confused. She said talking to her ex sparked some feelings up in her for him.. she said that she doesnt want to be with him and that she loves me to bits and feels terrible as she knows that shes not making right towards me but she cant help it and she never wanted it to happen. She said nothing happened between them and i believe her as she could never do something like that to me and if she did she would never be able to keep it from me.... ( as seen in this situation she couldn't keep it from me that feelings sparked in her for him ). She was very upset and she still is... She says she feels very confused but she knows that she loves me but hate the fact that she is feeling like that about him and cant do it to me. I must admit this sucks big time. She said that she thinks it will be a good thing to stay a week at her parents as this might clear her head and make her realize that she only has feelings for me. She then phoned her ex and asked him why he said such nice things to her but he apologized and said he was just drunk and didnt mean anything he said and hope he didnt cause any problems. She has been coming home the whole time though... She said she thinks that she never dealt with their break up ( he left her for another girl and treated her like **** from what I know ). She made an appointment with a therapist that she is going to see tonight after work. She keeps ensuring me that she loves me to pieces and that everything feels ok but she cannot afford this to happen again in the future and she knows its not ok and that she feel extremely confused as to why this is happening... She said if the therapist advise her to take a brake then she is going to do so as she does not want to hurt me ever... So here I am... utterly confused and shocked still... It came as such a shock as i NEVER expected this to happen. There were NO signs, nothing.. everything was perfect - we still went out the night before this happened to go and dance and she still told me that night how wonderful it is that we can go out just the 2 of us and have such a fun time. I dont know how this is going to work out to be honest - i am very confused.. i thought this could be "GIGS" ? I have read of it on this forum. But I dont know what i will do without her in my life, i have been through break ups before but i cant lose this girl... we even said that we will get engaged by the end of this year. She is my best friend.. we get on like a house on fire.... I dont get it ???
d0620 Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 (edited) Hi, I am so sorry for your pain and confusion. I think its possible that she never grieved the loss or pain experienced from the last relationship. I know its going to be hard, but I suggest you give her some space and don't chase her or get angry when she is not receptive to you. Either one of two things she still has feelings for ex and she now have hopes of them getting back together or two bumping into him actually reopened old wounds that she did not know were still there and she is forced to deal with them. Judging from your post I think it's number 2. I have been here before and I believe you need to give her space and let her reach out to you. Let her know how safe it feels to be with you when she is forced to be out on her own and leaning solely on memories of the past. Do not be her crutch and only be there if she contacts you. Let her know how you feel about her 1 time and get it all out. Then give her the space she needs. I hope this all works out for you! Edited May 14, 2013 by d0620
Author emulov Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 Thanks for your reply d0620 She has seen the therapist and she came home. The therapist told her that there are certain things that one should keep to yourself and it would probably have been better that she ddnt tell me about it. She said its not worth screwing up a good relationship and she shouldnt make any rash decisions. I am a bit relieved at this... she is however going for a few more sessions.. I am just wondering, where does this leave me ? Coz in my mind there is still a chance of this working out bad for me ?... I love her with every little bit in me... do I distance myself ? do I make a point of it to focus more on her and become closer ? worried that that might make her angry ? im not too sure how to go about this... I accept the fact that I might loose her at the end of all of this but i feel that i need to do what ever needs to be done to make this work out good for me ?
grick Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 hey bro, its crazy isint it to think about how wonderful everything was in the begining and up until recently for you. and how something can really set you off course and cause you so much heartache and pain. i really really feel for you. the fact she is seeing a therapist is a fantastic thing. she obviously values you heaps in her life that she hasnt hid this from you and that is seeking expert help on how to fix it. of course she will have residual feelings there still for her ex especially if she was on the receiving end of the breakup. the only thing you can do is just wait, as much as it sucks if you push for it it may just push her away. keep us posted on how things go for you
Chief Wiggum Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 What she experienced -- having old feelings for previous partner sparked up again -- is quite normal. She's being too hard on herself by panicking and feeling guilty the way she is, and probably shouldn't have told you about what happened - because, again, it's a very normal thing and not worth bringing up to worry yourself your partner. The good thing is, though, that her telling you about it means she's a nice, decent girl that obviously cares for you. And her going to a therapist proves it. It shows she's very committed to making sure things remain positive between you two. You should also find comfort in her ex, on the phone, taking back what he said and telling her he didn't mean it; which means you don't have to worry about him having intentions to get back with her. What you should from here on out is be supportive of her sessions with the therapist, and give her the space she requires - whilst also reminding her that you're there whenever she needs you. It seems like she's a very soft, sensitive person, and so you need to remain sympathetic and gentle with her; reminding her that what she experienced isn't a bad thing and that it's nothing for her to be jeopardising your relationship. That'll help give her reassurance, because it's also possible that old wounds have been brought back and she's scared of being hurt again. But I'm pretty sure those sessions with the therapist will help out. Try not to panick, because from the sounds of things you've got more positives going for you than negatives.
siankat Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 !!!Nc nc nc all the way til you are over her!!! Kiddin on ) Well put. I second that Chief
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