midlife crisis Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 i am infatulated with another man and its not my husband. i really dont know what to do and expect a lot of bad comments on this post!!!!!! i got in touch with a guy i knew from school on facebook about a year ago, what started as friendly chat soon changed to being a bit dirty....i got all excited that someone would take an interest in me and we have been in touch for the last year. I know deep down that i am being completly used but i really can not resist this guy and i dont know why!!!!!! its ruining my life and i dont know what to do..... ive told him how i feel about him but he doesn't comment and laughs it off, surley if he wasn't interested hed just tell me he wasnt interested in me. he won't leave me alone!!!! why???????? This last weekend i told him i was out with the girls n he said he was going somewhere else, later on he turned up!!!! i know he does it on purpose to wind me up!!!!! i have a great husband and familiy which i know i will lose if this continues, what is wrong with me. i know i dont deserve sympathy because what im doing is wrong but i really have no control where this guy is involved.. please help me im going out my mind!!!!!!!!!!
Silly_Girl Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 I understand you're infatuated and it FEELS difficult, but not seeing him again would be pretty easy. Is that what you want? Help to get past this? Or something else? Do you have a good relationship with your husband? Are you attracted to each other? Do you have good communication? If someone found out about the other guy it's possible your husband could throw you out. How do you feel about that? Have you talked to anyone in real life? Do you have any access to a counsellor who could devote proper time to enabling you to talk this out and work through it? 1
Author midlife crisis Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 i wish he'd just disappear or tell me he's not interested n not to contact him but he doesn't, so Im constantly in limbo n feel i need to keep in touch to get the answers i want!!!! god Im such an idiot. my husband knows i have feelings for this guy but tells me its because he is praying on my low self confidence.......my husband is such a lovely guy n I've told him that ill leave if its what he wants because Im stopping him from meeting someone he deserves, but he says he loves me!!!!!! its sooo hard Im going out my mind
USMCHokie Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 i wish he'd just disappear... What's stopping you from disappearing yourself...? or tell me he's not interested n not to contact him but he doesn't, so Im constantly in limbo n feel i need to keep in touch to get the answers i want!!!! god Im such an idiot. my husband knows i have feelings for this guy but tells me its because he is praying on my low self confidence.......my husband is such a lovely guy n I've told him that ill leave if its what he wants because Im stopping him from meeting someone he deserves, but he says he loves me!!!!!! its sooo hard Im going out my mind It sounds like your husband is a spineless "nice guy" too. This actually works out perfectly for you. You can continue talking with the new guy, and perhaps even get banged out by him, and it sounds like you're husband will be just fine with that and might even beg you to stay with him. See, the world does need nice guys, after all! 4
Author midlife crisis Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 my husband just too good 4 me that's the truth.....n Im someone who'll never me happy with life in general mo matter what I've got.....he deserves better n i should leave!!!!!"!
USMCHokie Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 he deserves better n i should leave!!!!!"! You're probably right. He's too good for you, so you should just let him go so you are free to run into the arms of the new flavor of the week. I'm glad you were able to justify this in your mind to make you look like the good guy. 3
ComingInHot Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 midlife crisis wrote, " i know i dont deserve sympathy because what im doing is wrong but i really have no control where this guy is involved.." Sympathy? No. I think you're right about that. Help? Yes. You stated, you are never satisfied. Maybe IC should be considered to help you understand why you feel you'll not ever be happy w/the blessings you've received. A-lot of times people misunderstand or just accept things that they don't have to. ie; blaming their behavior on their "character flaws" or that their personality leans towards certain traits (jealousy, insecurity, entitlement etc...). Just because a person is pre-dispositioned to be a certain way, doesn't mean they Have to be that way.* You have the gift of Free Will! That means that no matter how baly your body & mind want something, You Still have the Power to say NO. You do have Control and when you're ready to use it, you will. I don't know if I agree w/how your H is responding o your current involvement in your A. It doesn't seem that you are feeling the full repercussions of your actions. Unless, your situation is indeed a case of amicale D. I still vote you consider IC*
secretlady76 Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 We're not your last resort. You're your last resort. Why do you seem to be getting everyone else to make the right decision? It's all 'Why can't he do this and that', it's like you have no strength or courage to make decisions for yourself. It's quite easy. Stop it and get on with your life. If you have no self-control then block him. And stop all this external validation. Surely you love yourself enough to not need the attention of some loser to make you feel special? Doesn't say a lot about you if that's the case. He's playing with you and your feelings and he knows he has you hooked. Take some control back and get rid. And then maybe you should get a bit of spark back into your marriage. Get your husband to send you some dirty texts and vice versa. Yes, I know it isn't as fun because you have the hubby on a plate. Hey maybe get him to play hard to get, you seem to like that!!! 1
LoveBitesButSoDoI Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 I got to the 3rd paragraph of your first post & my first thought was, "wow she has really low self esteem." Then I read your 2nd post & saw that I wasn't the only one who thought that. If multiple people are telling you that you have low self esteem issues (I'd even throw in a dash of emotional immaturity issues) I would suggest working on yourself before your issues go from a level 10 to a level of 110. Because that is what will happen when things do end between you & this guy. I hope none of this came across too blunt for you, but I can tell you are headed for a disaster. Save yourself.
thefooloftheyear Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Low self esteem + Facebook= Big trouble.... TFY 2
SunshineToday Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Simple fact: You will not look at your husband the right way until you cut this other man totally out of your life. Once you do that, things could start to change for the better. Good luck!
ThatJustHappened Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 I don't understand why you don't just walk away yourself instead of relying on him to do it, or other people to tell you to do it. You know you're ruining numerous lives by doing this. Grow a pair and walk away. 1
HonestNeurotic Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Block him on FB. Really easy to do that. Or - just stay AWAY from FB for awhile. That's another kinda addiction all by itself. And truly - if you cannot be happy ALONE - all by yourself - you will NEVER be happy with another person. You will always need multiple people to define your happiness for you. You've said this by saying you have no control. Yes, you do. You're constantly trying to find SOMETHING or someone to MAKE YOU HAPPY - but it's inside of you. Money, fame, love of thousands do not make for a happy person. Also, the idea that one HAS to have a partner in life as validation to the world that they're "okay" has messed up many a person's mind. If your only sense of worth is based on how others perceive you, then you're not ever going to be happy. Because someone will always get it wrong about you. But if you can't walk away from FB - then you may as well just give up. No one controls who or what you post electronically. YOU have those choices. Unless you are possessed by a demon that is writing words and logging on and posting pictures. Time to work on YOU, if you really want to be a happy person, with or without anyone else. IMHO - as always 2
todreaminblue Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 i wish he'd just disappear or tell me he's not interested n not to contact him but he doesn't, so Im constantly in limbo n feel i need to keep in touch to get the answers i want!!!! god Im such an idiot. my husband knows i have feelings for this guy but tells me its because he is praying on my low self confidence.......my husband is such a lovely guy n I've told him that ill leave if its what he wants because Im stopping him from meeting someone he deserves, but he says he loves me!!!!!! its sooo hard Im going out my mind you can make him disappear, delete him from your facebook contacts, dont answer him if he has emails and let him know that you need to do this because you value yoru relationship with your husband, ask him not to contact you again, you had a moment of weakness, it happens, but what you do now is a turning point , take the right road, cherish what you have in the here and now, your marriage, your husband and your life as is.......if you want excitement take your husband out somewhere different, make the excitement exist in your marriage, plan something that you have always wanted to do together and the guy who put that ring on your finger and told you he would love you forever......cherish that guy ..remember that exact moment, and the cherished memories you have is it worth the loss of everything you have now, to chase a flight of fancy..... do want to play with regret....regret doesnt play nicely btw... rather bitterness is its bedfellow......good luck ...i wish you happiness....deb
Lillyfree Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 i am infatulated with another man and its not my husband. i really dont know what to do and expect a lot of bad comments on this post!!!!!! i got in touch with a guy i knew from school on facebook about a year ago, what started as friendly chat soon changed to being a bit dirty....i got all excited that someone would take an interest in me and we have been in touch for the last year. I know deep down that i am being completly used but i really can not resist this guy and i dont know why!!!!!! its ruining my life and i dont know what to do..... ive told him how i feel about him but he doesn't comment and laughs it off, surley if he wasn't interested hed just tell me he wasnt interested in me. he won't leave me alone!!!! why???????? This last weekend i told him i was out with the girls n he said he was going somewhere else, later on he turned up!!!! i know he does it on purpose to wind me up!!!!! i have a great husband and familiy which i know i will lose if this continues, what is wrong with me. i know i dont deserve sympathy because what im doing is wrong but i really have no control where this guy is involved.. please help me im going out my mind!!!!!!!!!! first of all, i will disagree with those posters who called your husband weak. i believe it's quite the opposite - he is self-assured enough not to feel threatened by some guy from facebook. and he trusts you. and on the other side, there's some loser who plays games with you and laughs when you tell him how you feel... do you want to know why he's not leaving you alone? because you've opened up, he knows he's got you, and you're there for him to get an ego feed when he feels like it. you WILL lose the husband over this if you keep going. so have a sit and a think, try to summon some pride and self-respect, and block the fb guy. it really IS that easy. turn to your husband who obviously loves and respects you. he doesn't deserve this. 3
USMCHokie Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 first of all, i will disagree with those posters who called your husband weak. i believe it's quite the opposite - he is self-assured enough not to feel threatened by some guy from facebook. and he trusts you. And this is what distinguishes her husband as a weakling. He trusts her when she is untrustworthy. That is a sign of unawareness and weakness. It is different if he trusts her when she can be trusted.
USMCHokie Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 People judge others from their perspective. If you come from a background of deceit and infidelity you may not trust anyone. If you come from a background where deceit and betrayal are not common you tend to trust. If you are hyper-vigilant it means you have been betrayed before or that you are a cheater and know how the game is played. Hmmm, good point. See below: i wish he'd just disappear or tell me he's not interested n not to contact him but he doesn't, so Im constantly in limbo n feel i need to keep in touch to get the answers i want!!!! god Im such an idiot. my husband knows i have feelings for this guy but tells me its because he is praying on my low self confidence.......my husband is such a lovely guy n I've told him that ill leave if its what he wants because Im stopping him from meeting someone he deserves, but he says he loves me!!!!!! its sooo hard Im going out my mind His husband wouldn't be acting in paranoia. A confident and strong man would not tolerate this. Her husband appears to just be p*ssyfooting around.
USMCHokie Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Within the foggy mind of the wandering spouse this lack of jealousy is viewed as approval for infidelity. I see this all the time in this forum. EXACTLY. So rather than demonize what would otherwise be weak and spineless behavior of the husband, the wandering wife glorifies his behavior of "not caring" as strong and masculine because it essentially gives her a free pass to go bang other dudes.
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