Past Infidelity, Now Starting Therapy

[Almond_Joy]

Hi everyone,

 

I first came to this forum nearly two years ago after a breakup with a long term boyfriend. About 2 months after that I discovered he left me for another woman. About 8 months after that, which was 6 months into my current relationship, I realized that this ex had actually started his current relationship before breaking up with me. That ripped the wound open all over again. I was still a little sensitive about some aspects of that breakup and finding that info out just kind of lit a match on those remaining embers, so to speak. I'm pretty forgiving and reasonable, but I haven't been able to let this go.

 

I'm now in a long term relationship that's going on 2 years with someone new. We moved in together a few months ago, and the move heightened my paranoia of being cheated on again. It's induced some bad fits of depression, and I've had to fight myself not to accuse my bf of things he's not doing.

 

The paranoia's permeated everything. Anytime something different happens or things aren't perfect I worry he's looking to cheat. I know that's not fair and I don't want to live my life operating that way. Besides this fear and mistrust, I think our relationship is great. We had some intimacy issues but that seems to be resolved now. My bf says he's happy, besides this fear of infidelity I am also, and I want this relationship to be healthy and loving. A couple weeks ago I decided I'm tired of fighting this fear by myself, because the paranoia spikes sporadically and I can't pin the triggers, and booked an appointment with a therapist.

 

I really like the counselor and am looking forward to the sessions, but she mentioned that she may ask me to bring my bf in for some sessions later down the line. I guess this is something that I should talk to her about, but it's on my mind now. That made me uncomfortable, the prospect of asking my bf to come to therapy. I guess I could ask him to do it for me, and I think he would, but...he says he's never been cheated on, and he's generally standoffish emotionally. It's hard for me to feel that he relates to me emotionally on this issue, especially since he's had no experience with the matter. I also don't want him to think I'm....I don't know troublesome, needing counseling and needing him to go to counseling with me to feel ok. I guess I'm afraid of the changes that will be coming even though they are probably for the better.

 

I don't know what I'm looking for in posting. I've just got a heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don't want to involve him, it's not his problem. I feel like I'm creating a problem for him that he didn't sign up for when he chose to be with me. That's what it is.

 

I'm interested in hearing of other couples, where maybe one partner started IC and then the other was brought in. Has the collaborative counseling resulted in significant improvements in your current respective relationship? Also, do you feel the progress you gained in counseling wouldn't have been achieved without the participation of your partner? I'm more interested in responses to the second question than the first. Because really I'm happy with our relationship the way it is. But I'm not happy with myself because of this past incident and the mode of thinking it's got me in now....it seems illogical and unfair to involve my bf in solving a problem he didn't create. Does that make sense?

 

I'm getting a bit rambly so I'll stop now. Thanks for reading if you made it down here and I look forward to any responses.

[Els]

I think the reason she asked for him to join you is to give him a better understanding of why you do the things you do, not to train him to be therapist #2 for you. He does not need to emotionally relate to your feelings re: infidelity to attain understanding.

 

I don't think you should worry about whether or not you're 'creating problems' for him. It's an invitation, he's a big boy, he can choose for himself. If he really does not want to go, he can very well say that.

 

That being said, I personally would not bring my bf into therapy sessions about personal issues, firstly because he doesn't believe in therapy (and that is his right), and secondly because I don't see a point in it. If you feel the same way, you could just tell your therapist "no", you do not want to do that. Patient autonomy.

[Almond_Joy]

I think the reason she asked for him to join you is to give him a better understanding of why you do the things you do, not to train him to be therapist #2 for you. He does not need to emotionally relate to your feelings re: infidelity to attain understanding.

 

I don't think you should worry about whether or not you're 'creating problems' for him. It's an invitation, he's a big boy, he can choose for himself. If he really does not want to go, he can very well say that.

 

That being said, I personally would not bring my bf into therapy sessions about personal issues, firstly because he doesn't believe in therapy (and that is his right), and secondly because I don't see a point in it. If you feel the same way, you could just tell your therapist "no", you do not want to do that. Patient autonomy.

 

Thank you Elswyth.

 

 

I never thought of it that way. He could just come as an observer. From what he says I think my bf knows me pretty well, better than anybody in my life to date. But there's always something new to learn when it comes to people....

 

And now I realize it's stupid for me to assume that she insist he be there for things to get worked out. If she's depending on his presence as the only means to solve the problem then I wouldn't consider her a good therapist anyway.

 

I do think if my bf refuses I will be hurt. That' really doesn't make any sense. He doesn't have to go through the counseling to support me. I would expect him to support any initiatives I'm supposed to take for improvement.

[BetrayedH]

My POV is that open and honest communication is the key to intimacy. Quite frankly, there's nothing I don't discuss with my SO. If there's anything I start to feel uncomfortable discussing, I KNOW we have to discuss it. I may take some time to gather my thoughts and make sure I'm bring reasonable but, it's coming up.

 

If you envision a long-term future with this man, make him your partner in everything. It's you and him against the world.

 

I think your therapist may have a similar philosophy. This is something that you can tackle together rather than separately and you're likely to become closer as a result.

 

Edit to add: I also suffered triggers like yours when I became involved with my current GF. She was amazingly understanding and took steps to help alleviate my fears. She was proactive about it. It was remarkable to me and it really helped me to realize that she was not my exwife and that she was not remotely the person that betrayed me. I'm certain that it helped me eliminate such fears. When we started dating, she even BCC'd me on messages she sent to a few guys she had dated, making sure they knew she was off the market. She earned a lot of points with me for that and other steps she took. It hasn't been an issue for a long while and trust me, I could have been bitter, jaded, and untrusting for life after what I went thru. A good man will embrace your vulnerability.

Edited May 14, 2013 by BetrayedH

[Els]

Thank you Elswyth.

 

 

I never thought of it that way. He could just come as an observer. From what he says I think my bf knows me pretty well, better than anybody in my life to date. But there's always something new to learn when it comes to people....

 

And now I realize it's stupid for me to assume that she insist he be there for things to get worked out. If she's depending on his presence as the only means to solve the problem then I wouldn't consider her a good therapist anyway.

 

I do think if my bf refuses I will be hurt. That' really doesn't make any sense. He doesn't have to go through the counseling to support me. I would expect him to support any initiatives I'm supposed to take for improvement.

 

You're most welcome.

 

FWIW, I assumed that you had already shared your past and how it affected you, with your bf. If you have not yet done that (ie he has no idea what happened to you), it may be worth asking yourself why.

 

But yes, you should not feel pressured to take your bf to IC with you just because your therapist suggested it. You have the right to work your issues out with a therapist without the requirement of your bf being present for the sessions.

[Almond_Joy]

Thank you BetrayedH. I used to see relationships that way - me and my guy against the world - but after the cheating I closed up again, went back to being insular.

And wow that SO of yours is truly amazing. I can imagine that proactive transparency really did help a lot.

 

And yeah Elswyth your assumption was right. I mentioned to him when I found out about the infidelity and again when I had that problem with his ex I posted about a while back. I don't really talk about it to him much because I think about it so often. It's a different experience to work through it alone and to work through it with someone else for me. We'll see how it goes.

[dichotomy]

I don't know if you are thinking marriage or not, or if it you did if it would be through church - but most churches and some places - require pre-marriage counseling for a reason - it gets couples to focus on their issues and work on them together before they commit to a life together. There is a good reason for that couples counseling. If you explain it that way - he might get it.

 

however, I would suggest you focus on IC for a while - until your own issues are resolved enough. You can bring him in after that if you need to.

 

Also I would offer this advice. Stop obsessing over whether he might cheat or betray you ......and except that ALL of us are flawed human beings capable of hurting each other in many ways. I am not saying this means accepting he will cheat or that is normal -or that you could cheat on him or others ... but once you see him, others and yourself as flawed to some degree - you can work on reasonable ways to understand how to lessen either of you falling down in the relationship.

[Almond_Joy]

Thank you dichotomy. I have been thinking about your response.

 

I think I worry about it so much because it's the one thing I know I'm not capable of forgiving. For instance, if I saw my ex today, I don't even know if I'm capable of being civil towards him. The anger and disgust I feel behind what he did to me still boils so close to the surface, and I know that these feelings persist because of the depth of love and trust I gave to him.

 

Over the last few weeks I've worked up the courage to talk to my boyfriend about emotional phases I go through. Not necessarily tied to the cheating but just in general. There's still a depth to emoting that my boyfriend either doesn't have or express. I don't think he fully grasps the emotional impact he can have on me if he hurts me. I know I can recover from being cheated on but that was hands down the most hellish experience of my life to date. I believed for a time I was crazy and not in control of my thoughts or actions. I changed majors and schools and compromised the security of my job. It blew my life to pieces.

 

And I just realized that all of that happened after the BREAK UP, not after finding out I was cheated on. Oh my god. Like finding out about the cheating was bad, yes, but the breakup is what put me through the ringer. I really feel like I realized something huge here. I've been focusing so much on this cheating when that wasn't the event that really screwed me up the most.

 

I am so glad I posted about this, this significantly changes my perspective on things. I have to really think about this. Thanks so much for your response.

[carhill]

I've been focusing so much on this cheating when that wasn't the event that really screwed me up the most.

 

That's helpful. Direct you therapist to work that issue with you. One day at a time. Deal with your BF joining you at session if/when that happens. No rush. Remember, the therapist is your toolbox. You're the mechanic. You pick the tools. You want the job to succeed. Good luck.