CelticGibson Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Flowergirl, you need to give him the space he as asked of you. At the very least that is what you should do. Any other action is likely to end it altogether. As for the needing attention, yes you need to get that seriously under control and realise that relationships are two way streets where both people's feelings, needs, wants and wishes are important. It certainly looks like you are more anxious because you are not getting the loving attention you need right now from him. Remember, his needs are important too and you should respect them until such time as you both can talk calmly and rationally when he comes around and wants to talk. When this does happen, I hope that you will have learned a valuable lesson here: That there are consequences to all our actions. Any action that threatens the relationship WILL end the relationship no matter how insignificant you think it may be. If you really love this guy and you really want it to work out long term, you are simply going to have to change this needy attention seeking mindset or it won't work. I fear that once you do reconcile, the main issue you both will have to work on is trust. The bedrock of all relationships and yours is severely lacking. It's due to how your relationship started (out of the ashes of another while he was there all along feeling pain because you were pining over another) which has caused your bf to doubt everything all along, hence his lack of trust, and your need for attention that has precipitated this latest bust up. I wish you both well. It's going to be tough to mend this but if you want it bad enough then anything is worth fighting for...
crederer Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 I'm not huge on the snooping thing. However, it appears he had reason to as you WERE in fact doing things you shouldn't have been. Learn from it. if you don't want to mess up a relationship, don't do things that will ultimately ruin a relationship. You shouldn't be talking to anyone in a way that you feel you NEED to hide from your boyfriend. If you can't stand on a rooftop and shout out what you are doing, then it's likely that it is a bad choice-my grandma used to say that.
Author flowergirl13 Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 Thank you for your advice. Good or bad I felt I had to hear it. I never felt I had anything to hide and I think that is my demise. How I thought what I did was normal and was OK is beyond me right now.. I just feel so foolish and so pathetic.. How could I risk ruining my relationship I know you're all right that I need to respect his need for space. I'm just feeling so down and upset and anxious. We've been through a lot as a dysfunctional pair of drama queens.... Up and down but finally we figured it out and HVE learnt to speak without arguing, supporting each other without bein demanding. I can't believe I blew it over stupid text msgs to someone I don't gve a shyt about. I know you're all right.. I just want to vent and feel so miserable not hearing his voice and knowing I've hurt him and made him feel like I betrayed his trust I feel even worse...
itto ogami Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 If you want him back, respect his need for space -- and I'll tell you straight up your BF is HURTIN' and WOULD like to see you. But he needs clarity. And you need to ATONE. Give him some time and then show him the affection and attention a SO deserves. You can make it up to him with your ACTIONS.
Author flowergirl13 Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 If you want him back, respect his need for space -- and I'll tell you straight up your BF is HURTIN' and WOULD like to see you. But he needs clarity. And you need to ATONE. Give him some time and then show him the affection and attention a SO deserves. You can make it up to him with your ACTIONS. Hello.. thanks for this... Unfortunately, we broke up yesterday. We have a tendency of fighting like mad, then him threatening to break up with me, then me trying hard not to because I dont want to. I called yesterday because I lost my debit card and figured it was at his (genuinely so, as I had thrown my wallet into my bag few days earlier but it hit his lounge instead). We spoke for a bit, he sounded calm. He invited me over. I went over, couldn't find my card, he lent me some money to buy some medicine. Then we spoke in the car. In sum, he said, he thought about it and doesnt want to keep doing this. He's not having fun anymore, he doesnt feel like fixing things and doesnt want to make an effort. He got angry again about the messages and said its because he doesnt trust "my judgement" in evaluating who should/shouldn't be a friend esp when I know the ex was a complete d**k. I didn't plead nor beg. I remember thinking how selfish my actions were.. so.. I agreed to break up. He sort of looked at me dumb founded. I apologised and said I know if the situation was flipped around, I would be furious with him, so he had every right to be angry, regardless of how meaningless the conversation was. He thanked me and said he appreciated that I could see how he feels. I said lets go to our park one last time. And we went, and talked of all the things we did. We laughed a lot, teased each other like old times. He said with me has been highest of highs and lowest of lows, and he's so glad to have shared it with me. Then we stared at each other for a long time and I could feel the sexual tension building up He could too - but he goes no sex! no kissing!! So.. I drove him home, and in the car.. we just started kissing.. a LOT.. full make out session. Then he's like you still got some clothes at mine.. so I went inside and picked up my dresses. And we kissed again.. just hugging and kissing, and feeling each other up. But he goes, no I want this to be respectful, and, so, I decided to go. At my car, he hugged me real tight, kissed me on the forehead.. said thank you and I said I really wanna call him tonight.. he said sure. This is gonna sound absolutely stupid. But I get home and text him and said I think we gotta sort out some financial stuff. He calls me and we end up talking for 2 hours.. it ended with him telling me he wants me.. wants to see me one last time.. got pretty sexual, before I said I had to go to sleep. We haven't spoken since. Im completely at a loss. I now dont feel anxious because I know we're broken up officially. I know I'm doing the right thing because Im respecting that he wants to break up.. but at the same time, I feel like he's completely taken aback because he's used to me telling him we should try, we are good together.. pretty much not wanting to break up... whereas this time I just agreed. I love him and do want him in my life, I know I've made mistakes and have been selfish.. but I do feel we both still have strong feelings and I could see he still cares for me very deeply.. I don't know what else to do but just to step back, maintain NC, give him his space because I know he is still angry abt the whole txt msg thing. Is there anything else I'm missing?
Author flowergirl13 Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 Can I just say... I just realised that in 99/100 cases, we're all just anxious and DYING to contact our exs even though we know we should maintain NC.. and then we come spill our hearts out.. thank goodness for this forum!
anna121 Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Newsflash - if you are having late night phone sex you have not broken up. That's not going to get you anywhere but in even more of an emotional mess than you already occupy. 1
Forever Learning Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Newsflash - if you are having late night phone sex you have not broken up. Tis true
Author flowergirl13 Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 But we said we broke up... :\ I dont want to just have sex with him. For me, its all or nothing, no matter how tempting... And to be even more confusing, he just called me!! And was like "did you just call me on a blocked number?" .... he said because I called him previously on a blocked number, but I told him I didnt. He goes oh OK i better let you go then. We had a small talk about our mornings and he got off the phone. WHY DID HE CALL ME FOR. OMG WHY DID I PICK UP
prettycutesoul Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 But we said we broke up... :\ I dont want to just have sex with him. For me, its all or nothing, no matter how tempting... And to be even more confusing, he just called me!! And was like "did you just call me on a blocked number?" .... he said because I called him previously on a blocked number, but I told him I didnt. He goes oh OK i better let you go then. We had a small talk about our mornings and he got off the phone. WHY DID HE CALL ME FOR. OMG WHY DID I PICK UP the rest are right ya'll not broken up. This is half assed broken up hahahaha. He was just pissed at you. He wouldn't call you even if he's curious if he's really broken up. He'll prolly get over it in a few days to a week. You'll probably be 'accidently' calling each other every day if not every other day. Just sit around, don't call him tho.
Author flowergirl13 Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 the rest are right ya'll not broken up. This is half assed broken up hahahaha. He was just pissed at you. He wouldn't call you even if he's curious if he's really broken up. He'll prolly get over it in a few days to a week. You'll probably be 'accidently' calling each other every day if not every other day. Just sit around, don't call him tho. Thanks for this prettycutesoul.. I think its a little more serious than that.. I did feel last night we meant it, for final.. guess because each time I refuse to and we try again and this time I stopped fighting it and just broke up... I wont call him though.. if this is half assed, then I hope he has time and space to clear his head and feel better..... It isnt that simple!! I will just sit here and keep refreshing the forums lol
Author flowergirl13 Posted May 27, 2013 Author Posted May 27, 2013 Hi everyone... Been a little over a week now.. Ex and I broke up about 2 weeks ago and didnt speak for one.. LESS THAN A DAY? Since then we've met up, made out, seen each others family, just had a weekend away together... But he's saying this is just a casual relationship.. he calls it a "complicated relationship" and we're not actually 'together'. The minute I try to ask him about it he would refuse to talk about it, and tell me he has no intention of getting back with me, we just have a "THING" where we're both not seeing anyone, and am not dating anyone, and just spending time together. So in sum - we go out to eat, he pays, he holds my bags, he tucks me in bed when we were away together, he paid for all accomodation, holds my hands when we're out, still kisses me madly..... AND... we're not together according to him??? I dont know if I am being used as a f**k buddy??? I find it hard because he ALWAYS says he doesnt love me, he doesnt care etc.... but the minute I fell sick, hes massaging me, giving me medicine, keeping me warm. I am confused. I dont know what to do. I love him and every moment we spend together physically is awesome (not just sxually). But when we arent physically together, he still texts me during the day, but the phone calls have stopped... I agree with both need to work on ourselves, cus we're both quite dramatic/immature/stupid at times.. but, I am scared this is going to turn into an even bigger mess and I'll be left broken hearted... I am scared he may move on... Where does this leave me? Should I cut it off with him? Im so confused.....
Almond_Joy Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Hi everyone... Been a little over a week now.. Ex and I broke up about 2 weeks ago and didnt speak for one.. LESS THAN A DAY? Since then we've met up, made out, seen each others family, just had a weekend away together... But he's saying this is just a casual relationship.. he calls it a "complicated relationship" and we're not actually 'together'. The minute I try to ask him about it he would refuse to talk about it, and tell me he has no intention of getting back with me, we just have a "THING" where we're both not seeing anyone, and am not dating anyone, and just spending time together. So in sum - we go out to eat, he pays, he holds my bags, he tucks me in bed when we were away together, he paid for all accomodation, holds my hands when we're out, still kisses me madly..... AND... we're not together according to him??? I dont know if I am being used as a f**k buddy??? I find it hard because he ALWAYS says he doesnt love me, he doesnt care etc.... but the minute I fell sick, hes massaging me, giving me medicine, keeping me warm. I am confused. I dont know what to do. I love him and every moment we spend together physically is awesome (not just sxually). But when we arent physically together, he still texts me during the day, but the phone calls have stopped... I agree with both need to work on ourselves, cus we're both quite dramatic/immature/stupid at times.. but, I am scared this is going to turn into an even bigger mess and I'll be left broken hearted... I am scared he may move on... Where does this leave me? Should I cut it off with him? Im so confused..... He was trying very hard to move on and you wore him down by not respecting his request for space. It sounds like he really loves you but emotionally you've really thrown him for a loop. He now sounds as confused as you. I think if you two keep seeing each other in any capacity you're going to do a lot more damage to each other before things get better...if they get better. You two have been in a tug of war with this relationship for a while and you need to just give it a break. Maybe you two can have a great relationship where your status with each other is clear, but obviously not right now. You need to work on establishing boundaries and he needs to work on trusting you (though, in this circumstance and given the history, I can absolutely see why he was suspicious). You could do this work together, but I think it would be more meaningful if you work on your issues alone or at least try to, without the influence of each other constantly making things confusing and throwing things out of whack. Reestablish NC, make it as hard as possible for you to contact him and for him to contact you, and give each other some space to assess how to move forward from here individually. It sounds like you two really care about each other and want this to work, so it's going to hurt like hell for both of you to split.....but NC usually provides a good outcome, so I don't see why you shouldn't apply it here. Good luck.
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