I f**ked up..

[flowergirl13]

I fkd up..

Hi everyone.. Im back again, and yes, we have broken up again.

 

BF and I were doing really well, working on our own independence, and me learning to be more patient and understanding. I wouldn’t say everything were back to normal, but we were definitely work in progress, and had made huge improvements to our relationships.

 

Last week an ex texted me – he really was a piece of sh*t throughout the time I was with him. He had cheated on his gf with me (without my knowledge), lied to me, stood me up.. the works. My BF was a close friend at the time, and was there throughout this painful period, supported me, encouraged me, stayed with me. We got even closer once I got out of the hell hole.. and eventually hooked up.

 

So this ex left the country for 6 months and came back a month ago, bumping into me last week. He texted me the usual how are you? Random meaningless conversation that lasted about 20 texts between us. Nothing major, but I didn’t tell my BF, assuming it was not a big deal, and knowing he probably wouldn’t be happy about it.

 

Yesterday the ex texted me again and said “coffee tomorrow”. I hadn’t saved his number, and my BF went through the messages and I told him who it was. He was so mad he was shaking. One minute we were kissing, he was making me dinner, the next he told me to get out of his house. We argued for almost 4 hours all up – he kept saying its not the contents, but why the f*k are you replying? Why are you so stupid not to see you are disrespecting us and disrespecting me, after all he put you through? How would you like it if I spoke to another girl? I don’t feel comfortable around you I don’t want to kiss you no more. I’m going to out with a stupid idiot then text her when I get back with you. We are so fragile right now how can you jeopardize us? etc. etc.

 

I know he is right. He said that’s it, I cant deal with you making mistakes over and over, especially when we are so fragile. He kept saying, its over, I just want to be alone, I just wanna go to sleep, I don’t want to talk to you. I tried to honour that and said if you want to break up I cant stop you. But I was just frozen. I couldn’t get out of the car and just sat there crying. Pathetic I know. I just didn’t feel what I did was that bad? Yes bad for me – I shouldn’t have bothered replying. But I didn’t cheat I hadn’t done anything to betray his trust…or is it because he feels disappointed? I betrayed him because he helped me through it and now I can just let this d*khead back in? I don’t think anything of this guy hence why I didn’t feel like replying was a big deal!

 

My BF ended up deleting my number, my text messages, blocking me on FB. I couldn’t sleep and tried to call him this morning. He picked up and said I know you can’t sleep but just do what I do – don’t give a sh*t about anything and close your eyes and you’ll be fine. I asked if he could talk to me for a bit. He said, no. Im going to hang up and turn off my phone. I’m not letting you hurt me again. Then he did exactly that.

I tried calling him at work twice but he didn’t pick up.

 

I know how mad he is, and he is known to be quite dramatic… but I also feel he has every right to be mad and angry at me for textin, although I feel like he’s going overboard with it.

 

I don’t know what I can do. We almost always end up talking, and have tried to go on a break with NC, but always end up breaking it anyway (he always ends up calling/texting me). We’ve been doing so well, not arguing, and explaining when we are making each other upset, and have taken time to go on dates, to the movies, chill at home in bed. Its been slow but steady progress.. until I was stupid enough to reply

 

Please help me… I feel I need to give him space, but I also know I was in the wrong and should perhaps properly apologise although I have said sorry probably 10 times last night.. amidst me also saying yes I know I shouldn’t have texted him but I haven’t actually done anything wrong by our relationship.

 

This happened last night, it hasn’t even been 24 hours…

[reality_check]

No offense but he kind of sounds like a lil Bi-tch. That's way to dramatic. Anyway I'm sure he's putting on this show to teach you a lesson. I've done this type of thing myself but not really to that extent as he's being extreme and insecure. I think just go along with it and he'll eventually get over it. At least I would.

[Zahara]

20 text messages back and forth until it got to "coffee tomorrow?" If the boyfriend didn't catch you, how much more engaging would you have done or entertained?

[CelticGibson]

Over dramatic my ass. He was right to react the way he did. You should have known better than to have a long conversation that would lead to meeting up with an ex that treated you so badly and one that your boyfriend was there to witness as it broke up. You did this while in a relationship too. Do not be surprised if you have completely destroyed his trust in you because, quite frankly, if it were me, you would be out and you would have no chance of getting back.... ever.

 

I can't help feeling that your boyfriend realises that he's been the rebound guy and is reacting to this realisation....

[prettycutesoul]

Why'd you do that? Bf's hate it when gf's talk to their ex's and with reason to do so too! And sure he shouldn't check your phone - that's his wrong. but you are sooo wrong as well. If he didn't find out you would've continued and messed it up anyways in the long run. Girl the ex was not worth this mess.

[Simon Phoenix]

Seems like both of you are in the wrong -- him for snooping, you for foolishly engaging this guy. What were you thinking? It's one thing to respond "I'm doing good", but a 20-text conversation? C'mon, that's just dumb.

[Chi townD]

Sorry girl, but you messed up pretty bad. He's right, your relationship was already at a fragile state. There really was no purpose having a texting conversation with an Ex that treated you sooo badly.

 

So, he can't even fathom why you would even entertain talking with a douche rocket that treated you like garage!.....unless.....you still have feelings for him (I'm not saying you do, I'm just saying this might be what he might be thinking). So, now he feels like he's second best, that he's the consolation prize. And, also, he's tired of trying to compete with this other guy. And he just wants a girl that wants to be with him because there's no other place in the world she would rather be. When you were texting your Ex, as far as he's concerned, you weren't with him. You would rather be somewhere else; with someone else.

 

Sorry, but you're going to need to give him time. And he needs to work out what HE wants.

[Sebes]

give it time. you both ****ed up but you are more in the wrong. yeah, your bf is being a bitch but the response, however melodramatic, was provoked.

 

it sounds like a toxic relationship (trust me, im in one, i usually am in one) and it'll take a lot of work to fix - if it can be fixed.

 

maybe time apart will be good for both of you. give yourself some space and approach it again with a clear head. i hope whatever the outcome is your are happy.

 

best,

sebes

[na49]

So you know he needs space, and you call him, call him and then call him again?

 

Give him space dammit! Time will help clear both of your heads and you can talk like adults instead of emotional children.

[flowergirl13]

Thank you all for your responses.. I completely agree I was out of line. I didnt even realise how serious it would be. The messages were only about my holiday next month. After he read it he told me there is nothing for him to catch me on because there is nothing, but he said the same thing as one of your posts - "this is just early stages! how do I know if you would get up to anything???" <-- Well, because he KNOWS I am loyal to him. Through all of this I have tried and tried and tried to be there, support him, I'm at his door the minute he has a bad day. He says he cant trust me - but I did not abuse his trust!

 

He went through my phone because he asked me - he said "give me your phone" - so I did! I absolutely didn't feel like I had anything hide - I felt, yes, you're probably gonna be grumpy he texted me and we had a brief convo, but I was stupid and foolish to think it wouldnt impact us...

 

Yes, he said he wants to be alone and I called him twice I haven't contacted him since.. I know how mad he is right now, I just dont know whether he will be forgiving.... he definitely has been extremely patient and forgiving in the past, and I feel this may be the last straw. As much as I want to respect his space, I'm slowly dying here.. I've cried so much at work I feel horrible.

 

And yes you guys are also right he's a drama queen.. you wont believe during our argument, he msged his MUM and was like "ill be home late, trying to break up wtih ****". Obviously she called like a billion times, texted him whats wrong etc etc. He's almost 30 too! Sometimes I just dont understand...

 

Do I just leave him alone and give him space? I feel like I should explain to him and tell him I understand how mad he is.....

[Eddie Edirol]

Do I just leave him alone and give him space? I feel like I should explain to him and tell him I understand how mad he is.....

 

Leave him alone. You cant undo what he thinks, which is that you still want to get back with your ex. I know thats not the case, but you already set up his perception by telling him how hurt you were by this ex. He obviously doesnt know you are loyal to him, and honestly, how can he if you cant even tell this toxic ex to f*ck off? You dont need to be talking with that guy for ANY reason, even if you were single. You dont need to remain on good terms, or feel guilty about it, theres no reason to even converse with a person that treated you like that. You dont have to please EVERYONE. You need to understand that its ok to cut people off permanently that do you dirty. But if it pleases you to continue talking to an abusive person like your ex, you have to understand that your current bf's may not be ok with it, and you will get dumped for it.

[OwlSoul]

My current ex (we're dating atm, getting back together) was carrying me through the break-up with my previous ex. He knew that I still had the feeling for the person, admitted he felt jealous. But he never over-reacted like that if I would mention myself talking to my ex. He never was mad even if I'd be talking to my other ex on a daily basis and etc.

What I am trying to say... are you sure that the text messages are the real reason? Are you sure he is not using this as an excuse to break-up with you?

[flowergirl13]

My current ex (we're dating atm, getting back together) was carrying me through the break-up with my previous ex. He knew that I still had the feeling for the person, admitted he felt jealous. But he never over-reacted like that if I would mention myself talking to my ex. He never was mad even if I'd be talking to my other ex on a daily basis and etc.

What I am trying to say... are you sure that the text messages are the real reason? Are you sure he is not using this as an excuse to break-up with you?

 

 

I don't think that was his intention, because we were fine the whole week, fine even the minute before he saw the text. In fact, I've spoken to people to my past before, and he has never reacted like this before.. far from it... It really is this toxic guy who I know my bf absolutely hates.

 

So why did I do it??? I must be stupid.. but it just never occurred to me. When this ex had his 'farewell Im leaving the country' drinks, my BF and I attended together - my BF had full knowledge of the past but felt it was OK albeit not completely happy with it. So coming back to the text - what everyone is saying is right... I gave him the perception that I wanted something more from the ex, when I didnt. I simply replied because I felt that I wasnt bitter nor hurt by this guy and I replied like a normal person then the ex could see I didnt give a sht abt him and wasnt impacted by him anymore.

 

But by doing so, I've betrayed all the care and support my BF had given me. I feel so f**kn stupid, and this guy isnt even worth it. I've never felt I've done something so wrong, when we have worked so hard the past few weeks to build some proper foundations in our relationship. I didnt have coffee with the ex nor did I bother replying to his stupid texts. I want to delete them all, but I also don't want to "hide", in case my BF wants to ask me about it or wants to see it...

 

Yes he can be insecure at time, he is also slightly self destructive. Yes he is a drama queen, a big one at that, who generally spills everything to his mum and carries on to get attention. Yes he can be a complete a-hole when he's angry, but this time, I know he has every right to be. He can be all these things but I still love him very very much. I can only say i know he is unstable and our relationship we're working on, and for me to do what I did, I can see from his perspective is a huge display of disrespect. I dont deny that at all.

 

I just dont know what to do except to give him space and NC. I miss him dreadfully. I cant even function, can't eat.. just finding solace in the forums....

[CelticGibson]

OwlSoul, a question: What would you do if the previous ex that you had feelings for while being with the current guy got in touch to try again? What would you do? Honestly...

 

The current guy you are trying to make it work with has put up with way more than he should have. Your actions showed no concern for his feelings even though he put them aside for a chance with you.

 

His putting up with your talking about another guy is unacceptable and he should not have pursued you hence he is a bit of a doormat. How do you REALLY feel about this current guy? Are you settling? Do you feel the same way as you did with the previous ex? These are important questions to ask yourself if you are really wanting to make it work.

[flowergirl13]

OwlSoul, a question: What would you do if the previous ex that you had feelings for while being with the current guy got in touch to try again? What would you do? Honestly...

 

The current guy you are trying to make it work with has put up with way more than he should have. Your actions showed no concern for his feelings even though he put them aside for a chance with you.

 

His putting up with your talking about another guy is unacceptable and he should not have pursued you hence he is a bit of a doormat. How do you REALLY feel about this current guy? Are you settling? Do you feel the same way as you did with the previous ex? These are important questions to ask yourself if you are really wanting to make it work.

 

I feel this is exactly what my bf feels... I wish he would just see that there was nothing for him to be concerned about, but at the same time, I knwo my actions were inconsiderate, and no pathetic excuse can save me. All I can say is Im now burning slowly for my stupid actions. And I deserve it all....

[flowergirl13]

Please everyone, can't we just get along.. its bad enough a lot of us are going through so much right now.. I have always read posts in here for encouragement...

[prettycutesoul]

I feel this is exactly what my bf feels... I wish he would just see that there was nothing for him to be concerned about, but at the same time, I knwo my actions were inconsiderate, and no pathetic excuse can save me. All I can say is Im now burning slowly for my stupid actions. And I deserve it all....

 

It's different what you think and what he thinks.Just don't contact your ex again. Your ex was a mess and treated you like crap. Don't go back to that. Regardless of what a drama queen this bf is... he seemed to put up with you - and you seem to agree, so I would imagine to you he's a good guy.

 

Just give him space. Don't bother him. Tomorrow or the day after send him an apology. A sincere apology not a desperate sounding apology and how you were wrong, and only he matters. And then when you guys fix it (if you fix it) then you should talk about trust issues/ matters - like him not checking your phone, and you not texting dumb exes.

[flowergirl13]

It's different what you think and what he thinks.Just don't contact your ex again. Your ex was a mess and treated you like crap. Don't go back to that. Regardless of what a drama queen this bf is... he seemed to put up with you - and you seem to agree, so I would imagine to you he's a good guy.

 

Just give him space. Don't bother him. Tomorrow or the day after send him an apology. A sincere apology not a desperate sounding apology and how you were wrong, and only he matters. And then when you guys fix it (if you fix it) then you should talk about trust issues/ matters - like him not checking your phone, and you not texting dumb exes.

 

Thank you prettycutesoul... yeah he does put up with a lot of my sh*t, and I guess thats why I can deal with his too.. but even I think this is unacceptable behavior.. I am so foolish.

 

I will try very hard to leave him to be and to cool down.. I have a feeling he doesnt even have my number anymore because he deleted all our texts and my number in a fit of rage

 

Is it OK that I dont mind him checking my phone? He gives me his phone to hold all the time... although I never snoop... but he has gone through all my emails once when I accidentally left it logged in He went off @ me for emails from my past OK I am probably not painting the best picture... but yeah..

[prettycutesoul]

Thank you prettycutesoul... yeah he does put up with a lot of my sh*t, and I guess thats why I can deal with his too.. but even I think this is unacceptable behavior.. I am so foolish.

 

I will try very hard to leave him to be and to cool down.. I have a feeling he doesnt even have my number anymore because he deleted all our texts and my number in a fit of rage

 

Is it OK that I dont mind him checking my phone? He gives me his phone to hold all the time... although I never snoop... but he has gone through all my emails once when I accidentally left it logged in He went off @ me for emails from my past OK I am probably not painting the best picture... but yeah..

 

 

Ugh, I hate snooping- the only reason to snoop is because he has trust issues- He doesn't trust you because of your ex. Plain and clear. This is an issue- he should NOT and i repeat NOT be looking at your stuff!!! I mean even if you give him permission it's just not cool. Can you imagine if you guys broke up again for good? He'll go through your stuff and vice versa- not a pretty picture. I mean sure you don't mind him checking your phone, then you'll use that as ammunition to see HIS phone and then when he won't let you look at it, you both are gonna have another battle. You'll say "I gave you my phone, why wont you give me yours!" --- It won't end pretty.

 

If you think this guy is great then by all means wait and fix it- especially this ex and phone issue. If not, let it sail.

[flowergirl13]

Ugh, I hate snooping- the only reason to snoop is because he has trust issues- He doesn't trust you because of your ex. Plain and clear. This is an issue- he should NOT and i repeat NOT be looking at your stuff!!! I mean even if you give him permission it's just not cool. Can you imagine if you guys broke up again for good? He'll go through your stuff and vice versa- not a pretty picture. I mean sure you don't mind him checking your phone, then you'll use that as ammunition to see HIS phone and then when he won't let you look at it, you both are gonna have another battle. You'll say "I gave you my phone, why wont you give me yours!" --- It won't end pretty.

 

If you think this guy is great then by all means wait and fix it- especially this ex and phone issue. If not, let it sail.

 

Absolutely right!! I have had other exs, even other guy friends, he feels entirely comfortable about.. it is just this one ex. He has every reason to feel uncomfortable and rightly so because this guy is a DOUCHE and complete moron, cheater, liar, you name it. But I dont feel he has reason against me when I never did anything to break it.. except these messages, and as innocent as they are, they still incriminate me on the basis of INTENTION.

 

I will leave him alone the next 2 days and send him a text after that like you said to apologise and tell him he's the one I am committed to...

 

Even tho all I want to do right now is run to him

[OwlSoul]

Nope, I do think you are retarded and make no sence and try to take words out of their context in order to prove your point of view.

 

If you want to continue, go to my topics and adress your issues there, intead of spamming this topic and attacking me and the person I do love dearly.

[thefooloftheyear]

Absolutely right!! I have had other exs, even other guy friends, he feels entirely comfortable about.. it is just this one ex. He has every reason to feel uncomfortable and rightly so because this guy is a DOUCHE and complete moron, cheater, liar, you name it. But I dont feel he has reason against me when I never did anything to break it.. except these messages, and as innocent as they are, they still incriminate me on the basis of INTENTION.

 

I will leave him alone the next 2 days and send him a text after that like you said to apologise and tell him he's the one I am committed to...

 

Even tho all I want to do right now is run to him

 

So, in reality why didnt you call him a Douche, moron, cheater and liar and tell him to not text you anymore? And frankly if the guy wasnt any of those things, just an ex that was a decent guy , you politely text 'thank you but I am in a committed relationship and its not appropriate to stay in contact..Please respect my privacy at this time" . Then immediately delete the texts... End of story..

 

The fact that you not only engaged in dialogue, but also never deleted the texts, tells me there is something wrong with you. Do you crave attention from many men? Does it boost your ego? Look at yourself and why you need to be validated.

 

I had a recent ex(who left me for somone else) constanty contacting me after the breakup. Wanting to talk, see how I am doing, etc. And she had the NERVE to be pissed off that I wasnt calling her!! Huh?? How friggin selfish is that? Finally I told her to quit bothering me or I was going to find a way to tell her current boyfriend. She tries to fill me in on whats going on in her life. I flat out told her "why are you tellling me this?. Shouldnt you be sharing all of this with your new boyfriend?"

 

Bottom line is you need to be totally transparent for a relationship to work out. If you commit to someone, then commit. Dont give someone reason to not trust. It will bite you in the ass every time.

 

TFY

[flowergirl13]

So I'm a stupid idiot and made it worse. Called him and of course he was like dont wanna talk wanna be on a break INDEFINITELY don't wanna deal with you right now. Told me to go MSG my ex instead. I said can't we talk about this? He goes no I'm working late.

 

So what do I do? I fkn make it worse by catching a cab to his work and in TE foyer. I have no idea where the hell I am now. He comes down n sees me but is so mad. He's like how do you expect me to get over it in a day when you fkd up??? You dot want me to be mad but you can't give me space and time to do my work???

 

He's right I completely lost the plot. Maybe I'm just a selfish girl I don't know what's come over me I just can't get a grip on the fact that he's mad and doesn't wanna talk. I'm going to go home although I'm just sittin here because I don't know where I am exactly..

 

To TE poster above: I don't really think that far into stuff like that. I like attention, but there was no premise for those texts and none even showed attention seeking. I agree with you I probably have issues since I can't even distinguish between who I should and shouldn't speak to. I shouldn't have replied full stop yet my stupidity has landed me here.

[flowergirl13]

Ok I may agree with you that I'm selfish for what I did. I completely crossed the line again by rocking up although it wasn't unannounced he was on the phone with me. In any case it was WRONG of me. I made it worse as if I couldn't even respect his space. That's something I need to think about and how I need to put his needs first now.

 

BUT, I definitely did not carry on a conversation apart from my freaken trip next month. I also never ever made plans with the ex at any point. It was HIM asking me to have coffee which I never agreed or accepted. Feel free to go quote requote which seems to be your repertoire but I dont appreciate being incriminated something I didn't do.

 

My BF didnt get me BUSTED, I had told him exactly who it was and then gave him my phone since he asked.

 

I respect you may have your opinion and I do take the criticsm to reflect on it, but I don't feel you need to comment on marriage or anything beyond that. You obviously feel entitled to continue to attack people and I no longer welcome your comments.

[Simon Phoenix]

You really need to get out of your own way. Texting your ex was extremely inappropriate and violating your current boyfriend's request for space is just foolish. Stop doing anything and let him contact you. You are digging the hole deeper and deeper. STOP.