sweet_pea Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Because i know that I would have nothing healing or helpful to offer her, I can't imagine a situation where I'd ever actually be inclined to speak with her. My loyalty is to him. It's HIM I've built a relationship with, so I would feel disloyal talking to her.. no matter what the situation. Now.. if it's 4 months out and we were legitimatly NC, I'd see even less reason. If we were not together and he was together with her, I'd have been healing myself and it would make me hurt to speak to her, so absolutely not. I'm sure most BS's wouldn't care about that, but that's going to be the reaction from a number of AP. "I've started to put this behind me in some ways... why should I now make this easier for him or you now that I'm not in as bad a place?" ESPECIALLY if he or his spouse was nasty to the AP in any way (I know the OP stated this wasn't her situation but that's not always the case in others.) Honestly, and you can say it's not the same, but if we are talking about emotional hurt (not discussing level or type or whatever) but it would be the same as the OW showing up on your doorstep 4 months later and saying "Ok, I know you've had time to start to put things behind you, but I want to talk about this now" which is just as wrong in my mind. LFH (or anyone who cares to answer): I understand that your loyalty lies with MM, only, and that you wouldn't see any reason to speak with the BS nor would you want to. But what if his wife wanted to speak with you, to help her heal, AND he supported this as well. For whatever reason, he wanted you two to speak. Would you still not go through with it? If he wanted to, would you still be loyal and comply? As a side note, no one knows whether something will be helpful or not. For all you know, what you could share (if you ever did), could help tremendously.
So happy together Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 I look at it this way. It was her goal for our marriage to end. She wanted him to leave me and be with her. She wanted him to divorce me and marry her. Why, when he decided to work things out with me, would she now want to help me in any way at all? She looked at me as the enemy. As she told him in an IM, she didn't give a rats behind how I felt. This is a great post. I think this is true in a lot of cases. But... there are some who, after the affair was over, may feel remorse and want to help mend the things that are broken in any way they can. I am not of this group, but I can understand it. I'm just not sure how many OW would be completely honest and not have their own agenda even after it is over. I'm not pointing fingers at all, I am just talking about the dynamic generally. Most likely, he's told OW horrible things about his BS (whether it is true or not), and they most likely think BS is a slug. OW is never going to like BS, unless they band together to hate on MM, in which case, it is not helping the marriage.
Spark1111 Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 You know what still blows my mind? Almost a two-year affair, talk of the future, and yes, she wanted him to end our marriage and choose him....and he establishes no contact 4 months after dday. We reconcile And she and I FINALLY speak....... and she had NOT ONE question for me. Not one. She still thought she knew it all. She went from contempt, anger, arrogance to complete and utter despair? Sobbing. It was so sad. It still amazes me how easy it was to hate me, not him, and how that must have shored her up in some way; made it easier to accept the break-up... I believe that reason alone, more than anything, was why she never returned a phone call from me. She did not want to know the truth. Until I forced our speaking and I was nothing like she wanted me to be. I was kind and courteous, firm, but still respectful. It was the last affair fantasy busted for her, I believe. The BS as a pretty nice person...afterall. Imagine that? 2
HonestNeurotic Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 I look at it this way. It was her goal for our marriage to end. She wanted him to leave me and be with her. She wanted him to divorce me and marry her. Why, when he decided to work things out with me, would she now want to help me in any way at all? She looked at me as the enemy. As she told him in an IM, she didn't give a rats behind how I felt. Not ALL OW's want their MM to leave their BS. If everything was so black and white, well, then we'd not be searching for answers and having discussions, because we'd all KNOW them. From Spark: Until I forced our speaking and I was nothing like she wanted me to be. I was kind and courteous, firm, but still respectful. It was the last affair fantasy busted for her, I believe. The BS as a pretty nice person...afterall. Imagine that? mmmmm......Nice? FORCING a confrontation? Not sure what the purpose of THAT was, except to throw more negativity out into the universe. If it's over and done with - then why be concerned over what memories she carries of her life with her? Did you feel that you "won" something by doing that? Seems a little overly vindictive, but hey - hopefully that gave you the closure you needed. I dunno your whole story, but that just seems uncalled for. IMHO - as always 1
latergater Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 I had posted this on the other forum a while back and I am still on the fence of what I want to do. I have been going back and forth about whether or not I want to contact the AP. It has been about 4 1/2 months since D-day and I think I have let go of a lot of anger. I am not wanting to attack her or be mean in any way. I just want to try and talk to her and understand how she viewed everything. I would like to have more perspective from the AP side of things. How would you as an AP feel about the BS contacting you just to talk? Would you be willing to answer her questions as long as she is not trying to attack you? Or does how she feels really not matter to you since you did not make a commitment to her? Any input would be greatly appreciated. I would be totally okay with it. And, I would be 100% truthful and supportive of their decision to work through their marriage. I am furious with HIM (the ex MM because of how he chose to end things with me -- a thirty year friendship) - not the BS. And, I just know he lied about me because that is what he does so i would be THRILLED to receive a call from the BS to tell her exactly what happened .. the WHOLE truth, not just parts of the truth. His skewed version of the truth.
cocorico Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 You know what still blows my mind? Almost a two-year affair, talk of the future, and yes, she wanted him to end our marriage and choose him....and he establishes no contact 4 months after dday. We reconcile And she and I FINALLY speak....... and she had NOT ONE question for me. Why do you find that so odd? What questions did you expect her to have? I can understand a BS having questions about an AP on dDay -after all, they have just found out that the AP exists, but the AP has presumably known for a whole that the BS exists and has had plenty of time to find out anything they need to know... So why the surprise? I do not have, and would not have had, any questions for my H's xW. I don't consider that surprising or unusual. anything I wanted to know about her would have been a phone call or a mouse click away, if I'd been interested, and her views on the state of their M, or what stories she may have invented about their home "life", held absolutely no interest for me. Besides, it was all there in her accusatory emails to him after he left her; I could gauge her views and state of mind pretty accurately. I'm sure most APs spend more effort erasing the BS from their minds than entertaining any curiosity, so why is it so surprising that an OW has no questions for a BW? Honestly, it's not all about the BS. Our R was with the MM.
LoveBitesButSoDoI Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 I'm friends with all my exes so I personally wouldn't mind. She might even have some unanswered questions herself, but are you sure 4 months is long enough? She still might be angry. My anger didn't hit me til 7 months after D-Day. Maybe wait a while, give her time to heal especially if you said you were mean to her.
Summer Breeze Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 You know what still blows my mind? Almost a two-year affair, talk of the future, and yes, she wanted him to end our marriage and choose him....and he establishes no contact 4 months after dday. We reconcile And she and I FINALLY speak....... and she had NOT ONE question for me. Not one. She still thought she knew it all. She went from contempt, anger, arrogance to complete and utter despair? Sobbing. It was so sad. It still amazes me how easy it was to hate me, not him, and how that must have shored her up in some way; made it easier to accept the break-up... I believe that reason alone, more than anything, was why she never returned a phone call from me. She did not want to know the truth. Until I forced our speaking and I was nothing like she wanted me to be. I was kind and courteous, firm, but still respectful. It was the last affair fantasy busted for her, I believe. The BS as a pretty nice person...afterall. Imagine that? Bolded. Exactly what it appears many BS on here do too. It's easier to blame the third party because you don't have any investment in them. 1
Summer Breeze Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 ]Why do you find that so odd? What questions did you expect her to have?[/b] I can understand a BS having questions about an AP on dDay -after all, they have just found out that the AP exists, but the AP has presumably known for a whole that the BS exists and has had plenty of time to find out anything they need to know... So why the surprise? I do not have, and would not have had, any questions for my H's xW. I don't consider that surprising or unusual. anything I wanted to know about her would have been a phone call or a mouse click away, if I'd been interested, and her views on the state of their M, or what stories she may have invented about their home "life", held absolutely no interest for me. Besides, it was all there in her accusatory emails to him after he left her; I could gauge her views and state of mind pretty accurately. I'm sure most APs spend more effort erasing the BS from their minds than entertaining any curiosity, so why is it so surprising that an OW has no questions for a BW? Honestly, it's not all about the BS. Our R was with the MM. The bolded. I agree. I had conversations with dMMs W after most of the ddays and I don't think I asked her anything. In all fairness her questions and comments confirmed what dMM had said to me during the R but even if they hadn't I can't think of one thing I would have asked her. Like you said the R was with dMM and she never came into my view until ddays. 1
Spark1111 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 So you feel that it was ok for you to make it harder for her? Doesn't that render some of your other statements inaccurate? It's not kind or respectful to force someone to do anything. She was dealing with it in her own way. If she showed up at your door 2 years later, and said Hey, I want to show you these pictures/texts/email. I know you know this already, but look! FACE it. Look at it some more because *I* think you should. I don't care if you want to know how many times he told me he loved me or about our nights together or about how we did x, y or z. I have decided that because it's better for ME to do it, then you will do this... would that be kind? Would that be helpful? I don't think anyone would think so... on either side, and yet as a BS you are saying it's ok to do the equivalent? That that something a nice person does? Why? No LFH, she SHOWED up uninvited to his OFFICE DOOR and hinted she would interesting in re-inititating the affair, and should she date this new guy, and what do you think....blah, blah, blah.... So this time, WITH HIS full consent and permission and support, I called her at work for the very first time, and kept calling until she stopped dodging me, and told her to stay away. She was gobsmacked he told me anything. She was petrified I knew everything, and she cried because she did not realize how many people knew and how great her exposure at work was. They were co-workers. 2
Spark1111 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 I'm friends with all my exes so I personally wouldn't mind. She might even have some unanswered questions herself, but are you sure 4 months is long enough? She still might be angry. My anger didn't hit me til 7 months after D-Day. Maybe wait a while, give her time to heal especially if you said you were mean to her. It was more than 2 years after dday when she broke NC at his workplace that the call took place. I called her and kept calling until she stopped avoiding me so we could have a conversation as to why she thought it proper to seek my H out at his office and see if he was interested in maybe starting up again. I did it with his full support. I suppose she thought he would keep this secret too because he returned for the wife and kids, right? And should still be pining away for his one true love. 3
Furious Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 I never contacted the OW but she did call me soon after I had informed her husband of the affair. She was livid and said I had no right to interfere in her life. Odd, how she could have sex with my husband but I had no right to have a telephone conversation with her husband. That brief conversation told me all I needed to know about her. I have no interest to ever speak with her again. 6
Spark1111 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Bolded. Exactly what it appears many BS on here do too. It's easier to blame the third party because you don't have any investment in them. More than 2 years later? Really? No introspection, personal growth.....nothing? Only contempt, anger, and still stuck at dday? Well, in her particular case, maybe I do believe it. 2
Summer Breeze Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 (edited) More than 2 years later? Really? No introspection, personal growth.....nothing? Only contempt, anger, and still stuck at dday? Well, in her particular case, maybe I do believe it. Yes. I've been here almost 3 years and I've seen it plenty. What I commented in on your post had nothing to do with contempt, anger and being stuck in dday. It had to do with your original comment about your OW blaming you so she could accept the breakup. I noted the similarities between that and what I've seen here from BS as well. I do apologize Spark. My post for some reason didn't pick up what I'd bolded. It was specifically the comment you made about her blaming you to make it easier on her to get over the breakup. I now understand why you responded as you did. Sorry! Edited May 17, 2013 by Summer Breeze Add apology
Spark1111 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Yes. I've been here almost 3 years and I've seen it plenty. What I commented in on your post had nothing to do with contempt, anger and being stuck in dday. It had to do with your original comment about your OW blaming you so she could accept the breakup. I noted the similarities between that and what I've seen here from BS as well. I do apologize Spark. My post for some reason didn't pick up what I'd bolded. It was specifically the comment you made about her blaming you to make it easier on her to get over the breakup. I now understand why you responded as you did. Sorry! I'm sorry if I misunderstood you. Interesting to note that many of the fBS who post here had whacked out OW, no? Someone should start a thread on that I think.....
Summer Breeze Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 I'm sorry if I misunderstood you. Interesting to note that many of the fBS who post here had whacked out OW, no? Someone should start a thread on that I think..... It's really funny you said that Spark. I was reading another thread a few minutes ago and thought something really similar. You didn't misunderstand at all. It was my mistake in the first place.
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