Question for the AP....

[confused4321]

I had posted this on the other forum a while back and I am still on the fence of what I want to do. I have been going back and forth about whether or not I want to contact the AP. It has been about 4 1/2 months since D-day and I think I have let go of a lot of anger. I am not wanting to attack her or be mean in any way. I just want to try and talk to her and understand how she viewed everything. I would like to have more perspective from the AP side of things. How would you as an AP feel about the BS contacting you just to talk? Would you be willing to answer her questions as long as she is not trying to attack you? Or does how she feels really not matter to you since you did not make a commitment to her? Any input would be greatly appreciated.

[Goodbye]

I had posted this on the other forum a while back and I am still on the fence of what I want to do. I have been going back and forth about whether or not I want to contact the AP. It has been about 4 1/2 months since D-day and I think I have let go of a lot of anger. I am not wanting to attack her or be mean in any way. I just want to try and talk to her and understand how she viewed everything. I would like to have more perspective from the AP side of things. How would you as an AP feel about the BS contacting you just to talk? Would you be willing to answer her questions as long as she is not trying to attack you? Or does how she feels really not matter to you since you did not make a commitment to her? Any input would be greatly appreciated.

 

 

You should contact her. Try to be respectful. Honestly, I'd welcome a call from my exMM's wife. Not to "bash" him or totally throw him under the bus, but just to clear the air. I would be willing to answer most questions. I do not know the BS in my case, but suspect she is a much better woman than the exMM portrayed to me, and I'd be willing to help her as much as I could.

[dynastic]

I don't think there was a D-day in my case. I'm in no contact because I'm done with it. But from what I understand, in the case of a D-day, no contact is usually asked for by the betrayed spouse.

 

My feelings are that I've fought tooth and nail to get out of the triangle and I'm not letting him or her pull me back into it. I imagine my feelings would be very much the same if there had been a D-day, especially in light of it being 4 months past.

[DelusionalOne]

I don't think there was a D-day in my case. I'm in no contact because I'm done with it. But from what I understand, in the case of a D-day, no contact is usually asked for by the betrayed spouse.

 

My feelings are that I've fought tooth and nail to get out of the triangle and I'm not letting him or her pull me back into it. I imagine my feelings would be very much the same if there had been a D-day, especially in light of it being 4 months past.

 

I have to agree with you. There was a D-day in my case but it's been almost 4 months. I have respected the decision for NC. I have fought to get out and past this and really wouldn't want to be pulled back in at this point. If I am out at this point, what difference does it make what my thoughts, feelings or perceptions of the whole thing were? And it's not any disrespect to the BS but as I have been told numerous times out here.... you don't move forward by looking back.

[tryingto]

In my situation there was never a Dday but if there had been, I would've been open to contact if the BS approached me in a respectful way, wanting to see the A from the "other" party's perspective or to verify what (ex)MM told her. I would apologize for my part in her pain and answer her questions honestly. If she wanted to communicate with me, I would feel I "owed" her that considering the role I played.

 

If you decide to contact her, maybe start the conversation via email? That way you have an opportunity to communicate your desire and share your intention to discuss the situation calmly and in an non-threatening way. Just a thought but I definitely understand your conflicted desire to talk with her. I am so sorry you are hurting.

[bellasue]

I would welcome a call. In fact, I tried to call her shortly after dday to apologize and tell her if she wanted to talk, I was open to it. Unfortunately she hung up on me and that was it.

 

I never wanted to trash talk the xMM or anything of that sort. Just help her know my role in the situation. I am not sure if she will ever get to a place where she will want to talk, but I would certainly be open to a civil and honest discussion if it would help her move forward.

[who_am_i]

I had posted this on the other forum a while back and I am still on the fence of what I want to do. I have been going back and forth about whether or not I want to contact the AP. It has been about 4 1/2 months since D-day and I think I have let go of a lot of anger. I am not wanting to attack her or be mean in any way. I just want to try and talk to her and understand how she viewed everything. I would like to have more perspective from the AP side of things. How would you as an AP feel about the BS contacting you just to talk? Would you be willing to answer her questions as long as she is not trying to attack you? Or does how she feels really not matter to you since you did not make a commitment to her? Any input would be greatly appreciated.

 

I'd be happy to talk to her. It wouldn't interest me to know how they are doing now, but I would gladly answer her questions as it pertained to him and I. I guess I kinda feel I owe her at least that much.

 

But my question to you is what do you expect contacting her will accomplish for you? I've read here that often when the BS decides to talk to the OW they don't walk away feeling much better. Some assume that the OW must be lying if the stories don't match exactly. I would imagine that this just puts more doubt in the mind of the BS.

 

I suggest that you do whatever you need to do if you think that it's going to help you. I understand your eagerness to know her details...I'm also like this with regard to the BS in my situation. But I feel like if you're really interested in making a go of things with your husband because you love him...then it shouldn't matter what the OW thought. The affair happened no matter who's eyes you look at it through. What matters now is that you've decided to choose each other because there is something there that neither of you can't bare the thought of being without. That's pretty special...

[confused4321]

Lady Grey,

 

It's not really about getting information from her to confirm anything, although, if she would be willing to talk about things I would be open to that as well. I think that since this has affected my life so greatly I would like to know a little more about the person who helped do it. Don't get me wrong I know that he is the one mostly to blame and I completely understand that. However, he couldn't have done this by himself. Maybe part of me is hoping for some closure from her. Just to know that she really does feel bad for her actions or if she could care less about how I feel. I would want to know either way. I think all the not knowing is what drives me crazy. I try to put myself in her shoes and I guess it is hard for me to view it through her eyes. The pain that this has caused to me and my girls has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I don't know that I could ever be the person who helped cause so much pain. I am not trying to judge anyone. Before this had happened to me, I would have never thought that this would have been so painful. So what I guess I am saying that most AP's and WS's didn't know how much pain their actions really caused or they wouldn't have done what they did.

[Silly_Girl]

I felt that, in the end, he treated her pretty shabbily, so if she contacted me and I could assist in some way I probably would. No reason not to. I was more frustrated by their dynamic (both objectively and subjectively) than bearing any hostility towards her.

[HonestNeurotic]

I would be open to it. In fact, I offered the BS of my former AP my phone and email address through a sorta mutual friend to give to her. He had gotten caught with the replacement OW. I never wanted him for myself. That there were no words of love exchanged at all.I wanted her to know that. He was a serial cheater and she did deserve better. She wasn't certain about that serial cheater part, hence I told my friend to go ahead and have her call me if she really wanted to know.

 

Be prepared though. You may not like what you hear. I personally, am very blunt in my honesty at times and not always "tactful". I'm not rude, but it can still be hurtful and painful. And if the OW really wanted to keep him, well, you might not really gain anything but open wounds for both of you. When we (we as in all people) hurt, we often want to hurt the person that hurt us back. It's instinct. She could feel that by hurting you, she in turn would be hurting him. She might be extremely remorseful, but she also might tell you how much he said he loved her, and you might not have realized that.

 

If you do decide to meet - find somewhere neutral, in public. Tell someone where you are going and who you are meeting. Some of these people seem kinda looney when it comes to these things - on both sides. It may be best to just write an email and see what kind of response you get. I sent a brief one to my ex MM's BS through my friend, and she replied that was all she needed and had decided not to contact me via phone as she was hurting and was pretty sure that I was not anyone that she would ever want to know. Fair enough.

[cocorico]

I had posted this on the other forum a while back and I am still on the fence of what I want to do. I have been going back and forth about whether or not I want to contact the AP. It has been about 4 1/2 months since D-day and I think I have let go of a lot of anger. I am not wanting to attack her or be mean in any way. I just want to try and talk to her and understand how she viewed everything. I would like to have more perspective from the AP side of things. How would you as an AP feel about the BS contacting you just to talk? Would you be willing to answer her questions as long as she is not trying to attack you? Or does how she feels really not matter to you since you did not make a commitment to her? Any input would be greatly appreciated.

 

OW are all very different, and you're unlikely to be any closer to her truth from reading here. If it really matters that much to you, the only way you can really find out is to approach her. If it really matters more to you than the risks of it going badly wrong for you, whatever that might be.

 

Some possible outcomes to consider:

* it all goes really well, you get the closure you want, you both move on. (Best case scenario)

* it all goes really well, she decides she likes you and wants to be your friend, moving on becomes difficult.

* you're both civil, but it doesn't really give you the answers you're seeking, or the closure you want.

*'she's hostile, defensive or very guarded, and the discussion goes badly, leaving you with fresh wounds.

* she refuses to engage with you, tells you to sort it out with your H.

* you get no response whatsoever.

* she sends you a lawyer's letter warning you never to contact her, threatening consequences.

* she broadcasts your attempt to contact her, making you look bad.

* your approach reminds her of the A, and she resumes contact with your H.

* your contacting the OW triggers your H and he resumes contact with the OW

* the A resumes.

 

There are many possible outcomes. You have no way of knowing in advance which you'll draw. If you decide that any, or all, would be worth the risk, then go ahead.

[cocorico]

 

How would you as an AP feel about the BS contacting you just to talk? Would you be willing to answer her questions as long as she is not trying to attack you? Or does how she feels really not matter to you since you did not make a commitment to her? Any input would be greatly appreciated.

 

For myself: she has absolutely no reason to contact me, and if she had she'd have gotten short shrift.

 

If he had gone back to her, and attempted a reconciliation of sorts, and she had contacted me, I'd have referred her back to him. Whatever mythology they wish to create to sustain their M would have been theirs to devise. I'm not going to do the James Bond thing where the "villain" spills the beans seconds before carrying out his fiendish plan, empowering Bond to turn the tables and defeat him. If she wanted that info she'd need to work it out herself. If she was not prepared to find out what was really wrong, why their M was so vulnerable to an A, so that she could fix things, then she did not deserve to feel secure in it. I was not going to hand her security on a platter - she needed to undertake the effort herself and then decide whether or not she could live with the uncertainty.

 

But that's her, and me. Our situation is very different to yours, and our answers are unlikely to be much use to you for that reason.

[Spark1111]

I think you do whatever you need to do to heal, but do not attach any importance to the outcome.

 

I made the mistake of assuming she was a nice person who too was manipulated by his mid-life crisising bs....

 

I called her offering an olive branch and told her times and phone numbers she could reach me on.

 

She chose instead to call him at work and tell him how vicious I was.

 

??????????????

 

Two years later she broke NC and I finally called her directly at work and kept calling until she finally picked up the phone and had the courage to just talk to me.

 

She was nuts, contemptuous, hateful and hated him, me, the world.

 

It wasn't her fault. It would never be her fault.

 

But, despite her, it still helped me.

 

Do what you need to do.

[canuckprincess]

If the bs contacted me I would answer all her questions truthfully in a respect companionate way, that's why she'll never contact me.

[who_am_i]

Have you had any dealings with her at all up till now? If so what was her attitude? If she was nasty to you right after, I wouldn't count on that changing 4 months later.

 

 

It is very possible to see things much differently 4 months after. I know I sure as hell do! So that's not exactly a fair assumption.

[SweetiePie12]

How would you as an AP feel about the BS contacting you just to talk?

 

I'd have nothing to say to her. I'd let him know immediately that she's calling me.

 

Would you be willing to answer her questions as long as she is not trying to attack you?

 

Nope. Ask him.

 

Or does how she feels really not matter to you since you did not make a commitment to her?

 

Exactly.

[who_am_i]

Well if she was bat crap bunny boiler crazy I don't think 4 months is going to magically change her.

 

Agreed...

However I just reread her post to be sure I didn't miss anything and I don't see where the PO says anything about bunny boiling.

[Charlie Harper]

DONT. Why reopen a wound? Believe me it will not be good no matter what, if it goes well and nice you would think you could be friends or something again, if she is nasty you will get angry with nowhere to go...

 

So Don't!

[Summer Breeze]

I always wonder as a BS would you ever believe her? If she told you about how great they were together and revealed the intimacies they shared (I'm not talking sex) would you believe it or would you think she was enhancing the truth? If she told you nothing happened other than a kiss and a grope would you believe her? DMMs W called me after ddays and I told her the truth. She didn't believe me at first but as time went on she did.

 

The one thing I would say is timing is everything. I get the idea that BS are normally ready to talk a few months after things have been exposed and they've had time to digest what's happened. By that time an OW has some healing under her belt and if the A has stopped she's possibly not going to want to open up the old wounds. It's not easy and as everyone has said already, each situation and set of people are different. There isn't a right or wrong as far as reaching out but you do need to expect anything. I think cocorico listed the possible outcomes pretty well.

[veryhappy]

No dday for me. He almost confessed, but didn't do it.

 

You may want to check with your H if there was any discussion on this topic. I have always, since the beginning, told him that I was not open to speaking with her, and if it came to that my answer would be negative. In my case, I would hope he would tell her that I was always not open to the idea.

 

Your need for closure is understandable, but will you get that? She may be great, or not so great, beautiful or not so beautiful, smart or not so smart. It's one of my nightmares to think exMM's W can appear looking for me anytime in the future, because I just want to forget.

 

If she's been keeping her side of NC, I'd say it's best to leave things as they are.

[krazikat]

I would be open to it. In fact, I offered the BS of my former AP my phone and email address through a sorta mutual friend to give to her. He had gotten caught with the replacement OW. I never wanted him for myself. That there were no words of love exchanged at all.I wanted her to know that. He was a serial cheater and she did deserve better. She wasn't certain about that serial cheater part, hence I told my friend to go ahead and have her call me if she really wanted to know.

 

Be prepared though. You may not like what you hear. I personally, am very blunt in my honesty at times and not always "tactful". I'm not rude, but it can still be hurtful and painful. And if the OW really wanted to keep him, well, you might not really gain anything but open wounds for both of you. When we (we as in all people) hurt, we often want to hurt the person that hurt us back. It's instinct. She could feel that by hurting you, she in turn would be hurting him. She might be extremely remorseful, but she also might tell you how much he said he loved her, and you might not have realized that.

 

If you do decide to meet - find somewhere neutral, in public. Tell someone where you are going and who you are meeting. Some of these people seem kinda looney when it comes to these things - on both sides. It may be best to just write an email and see what kind of response you get. I sent a brief one to my ex MM's BS through my friend, and she replied that was all she needed and had decided not to contact me via phone as she was hurting and was pretty sure that I was not anyone that she would ever want to know. Fair enough.

 

For me, speaking with the ow did help me put things into perspective...but I have to warn you to be cautious all the same.

 

When I forst talked to ow, it was dday. She was a malicious little b**** and said things to me like she hoped I liked the taste of her hoo haw. Of course, I flipped out, no holds barred after that.

 

Weeks later, I talked to her again. This conversation was civil...except she did lie to me about some things. She didnt know that my h had basically given me his phones to read all messages and listen to vm. But still, the convo was civil, allowed me to see her more of a person then the b**** I talked to on dday. She apologized, cried to me, said it was all her fault she knew he was married, etc. I considered that the final call, allowing me to let go of my anger and move forward.

 

Well, she called me a few weeks later early in the morning...like birds not up yet early....called me several times. She then proceeded to tell me all kinds of crazy things...things I knew were lies for a fact, but she just kept right on going. The whole time she sounded so sweet and so caring, all while trying to twist a knife in my back. I blocked her from contacting me, I dont have time for those games.

 

Still, I am ok with how this went, I still got the closure I needed. But, and this is a big but...if I hadnt seen all those texts and heard those vm before talking to her so I could sort out the lies, I am not sure how it would have gone down.

 

If you need to talk to her for closure, do it, but even if she sounds super nice and caring dont automatically believe everything she says. She could be 100% honest, or could be someone looking to cause problems because she "didnt get her man" or whatever. You never know what you are going to get.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

This is really hard. I (as a FOW) did meet with his bs at her request but she really didn't ask me many questions. Just a lot of tears from both of us. My xom said she wanted to meet with me again but he basically talked her out of it stating "what good would it do?" His theory was if the stories were the same then nothing was gained but if they were different then she would have to choose who to believe and if she was trying to recover their marriage how did that help? She had to believe him.

 

I am also a bs (my husbands affair) and I have not talked with his xow. I have thought about calling her - I have not. It's been over 1 1/2 years since it ended but she has shown up from time to time and called him, so it's almost as if she has opened the door again. I have seriously considered talking with her just to get her perspective because I am certain I do not have the whole story from him.

 

It's really weird because I believe I have been completely honest about my feelings regarding my xom. However I do not believe my husband has been completely truthful about his for his xow.

 

I don't care how deep you get into this, there will always be things you (as a bs) will never know. This I know for certain because I have been on both sides.

[Summer Breeze]

Because i know that I would have nothing healing or helpful to offer her, I can't imagine a situation where I'd ever actually be inclined to speak with her.

My loyalty is to him. It's HIM I've built a relationship with, so I would feel disloyal talking to her.. no matter what the situation.

 

Now.. if it's 4 months out and we were legitimatly NC, I'd see even less reason. If we were not together and he was together with her, I'd have been healing myself and it would make me hurt to speak to her, so absolutely not.

I'm sure most BS's wouldn't care about that, but that's going to be the reaction from a number of AP. "I've started to put this behind me in some ways... why should I now make this easier for him or you now that I'm not in as bad a place?" ESPECIALLY if he or his spouse was nasty to the AP in any way (I know the OP stated this wasn't her situation but that's not always the case in others.)

Honestly, and you can say it's not the same, but if we are talking about emotional hurt (not discussing level or type or whatever) but it would be the same as the OW showing up on your doorstep 4 months later and saying "Ok, I know you've had time to start to put things behind you, but I want to talk about this now" which is just as wrong in my mind.

 

Excellent post LFH. Welcome back I haven't seen you in a bit!

 

I would also add that the APs aren't the only ones who lie in these conversations. DMMs W told some whoppers out of her anger and hurt. I calmly corrected her and answered what questions she asked of me.

 

I agree that my R was with him and that's where my loyalty was but I had told him from the start if she ever contacted me I wasn't going to shy away or lie. It was one of the things he knew from the start and it was me letting him know he could hide what he wanted but I wasn't interested in it.

[So happy together]

I am of the opinion that her issues lie with her H. If they decided to stay together and work things out, then they should and the OW should not be a part of that at all. I may have been a symptom of the disintegration of their marriage, but I wasn't the problem. I am in a bit different situation as my OM left the marriage and we are a couple, but even with that, I would not speak to her. I do not speak to others of her either. I make sure I don't have a negative word to say (except here) and let it go. If she wanted closure, she'd need to speak with the person with whom she had problems and that was not me.

[waterwoman]

I went through a phase of being desperate to see OW. I didn't want to question her, I just wanted to see her, to reassure myself she wasn't this amazing, stunningly beautiful, magical femme fatale that I had built her up to be in my mind. I KNEW she wasn't. I had met her many times pre dday, she was very ordinary in reality, but I had built her up to be this mythical creature in my confused unhappy mind. Well I got my wish. I saw here briefly at school when we were dropping my eldest off for a school trip. She saw me too and I saw her go red and almost run away. My heart jumped into my throat for a moment but it proved to me that really she was just a normal human being, nothing special. It helped.

 

From her POV I suspect she would have hated to talk to me. But of course I don't know.