Married man broke my heart

May 14, 2013

Sometimes, even when it's over, it helps to know it wasn't all for nothing. And it wasn't. She was happy with him for a while, it gave her happiness at the time. Don't take that away from her, making her think he lied about his feelings when you just don't know.

And 99% of the time, when it's over, it helps to know it was all for nothing. Because you are alone and he is back hysterical bonding with the wife he almost lost.

And you can put it behind you faster and move on to someone who will truly love you with words and backed up by actions.

And nothing in life is really "all for nothing" if we learn and grow from our bad experiences.

May 14, 2013

But OP did go into this KNOWING he was a MM. What did she expect to come from this situation? I could understand if she had no idea she was seeking involvement with a MM but she knew all along he was married. This is normally how affairs turn out. OP doesn't it make sense that if MM told his wife he had been banging someone else, she would tell him to leave. Do you really think most women would beg back a man who had exposed them to disease, lied to them constantly, cheated on them and their children? No he is lying to you about that also. If anything I'll bet he was the one who begged her to not leave him. If you read around this forum you will see that your story is in fact textbook D-Day.

May 14, 2013

I am sorry you are in this situation.

I have no doubt that he had strong feelings for you as you did for him. However, with the realism of D-Day in front of him he had to make a decision. No one knows what was said between him and his wife, as much as she doesn't know what was said between you and him. He possibly lied a little to you and lied a little to her. In fact, the only person who knows what happened in each camp is him, so in fact he's in the best position to make the best decision.

I am afraid that the minute the affair was exposed the relationship you had with him paled into insignificance in comparison to what was on the line at home. I would imagine his wife (and quite rightly so) asked to try again BUT this could only happen properly if you were removed from the equation. He obviously agreed and did what was necessary. At least he had enough respect for you to call you and explain. Some do not even get that.

He is now working on his marriage. Whether or not it works out, we don't know. That is between him and his wife. You need to back off and leave them alone.

Your best bet here is to accept it is over. Do not sit and wait for him to contact you. That may never happen. You need time to grieve for the realtionship lost. To go from 100mph to 0mph is very difficult to deal with. There will be a massive void in your life and you will feel totally rejected. However gradually it will lessen, I promise you that. But it will take time.

Don't wonder what is going on between him and his wife either, no one knows. Are they arguing? Have they divorced? Are they having lots of hysterical bonding monkey sex? Is he thinking about me at all? Don't do any of that. That will acheive nothing.

Lay it to rest in your own mind. Say Goodbye to him in your own mind. Be at peace with yourself and with him.

May 14, 2013

He is suffering and he is dead inside, the only reason he stays in the marriage is for his kids. So he will find happiness in that.. But what happens then? Then he's 55... Kids are gone and he's left with a woman he fell out of love with long ago.

Good luck everyone.

This is an assumption and rationalization on your own part.

You WANT to believe he's dead inside without you. But he told you himself that he still "has feelings for his wife".

He's not "dead inside"...he made a choice to rebuild his marriage. That doesn't indicate that he's only staying for the kids, nor does it mean that his life is over without you.

It means that he's made a choice, it hurts you to the core...and it's time for you to focus on yourself, and healing your own wounds...and let him deal with his.

What are you doing to fill your time right now? What other support system do you have in place? Friends/family that you can talk with to help you get through this? Focus on those...learn from this painful lesson and let yourself recover from it.

May 14, 2013

Owl is 100% right.

Now, being honest here, I think you will desire or hope He will put effort on his marriage and FAIL so he would comeback to you, maybe you dont accept it, but deep down you really want him to come back.

Do you know how many people I know that returned to a loveless marriage after one Affair, and kept living as a Zombie for decades... it happens a lot, so don't fool yourself, if there was a D day and he did not go all the way, chances are that we wont do it in the future no matter what.

My advice is learn form this, heal yourself and LIVE, if you are expecting something from this in the future you are losing time and not LIVING.

If you have a good friend, have a big hug and cry your eyes out, and be done with this...

May 14, 2013

And you don't know either. It does happen.........many stories here of mm who lied about d days, separations, what he said he told the wife, etc.. For all you and I know the whole thing could have been one big con, yes that happens to.

An affair requires lies, that's a fact! It's naive to believe the married person as being truthful.

You're right, I don't know. I was going by her feelings which are hers to have. If she feels he loved her, let her have that. No reason to beat her up. He very well may have loved even if it was only in the confines of the affair.

I wasn't telling her to mire herself in the post dday misery, I was simply saying we don't have the right to say he didn't love her. And we don't.

I can't think of a single lie my boyfriend has ever told me.

May 14, 2013

I am sorry you are hurting. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself and heal now. I am sure in time you will feel different. If he did leave his wife to be with you he very well could do the same thing you as he did his wife. I hope you realizes that he has a problem with in his self. In stead of dealing with his problems maturely with his wife he swept it under the rug. He knew he was married and it would not be easy to leave.I am sure his wife knew something was wrong. His wife probably did argue with him because he was not doing her right either. You will be better off in the long run. After some time you will heal and find someone that has more to give then false hope. This is a blessing in disguise I hope you find peace soon.

May 14, 2013

I decided I need to share...

I felt all the same as you did - I was 100% sure it was absolutely special, crazy love, soulmates,etc. I guess he felt is as well. The only difference is that he was very unwilling to talk about divorce and future plans - only when I pushed and there were some other red flags. Well, you can find my post if interested - I only have a few. The thing I wanted to share is actually the following: the majority of people are recommending to go NC - which I guess is right for most of the people. I decided that I cannot live without my MM at that time. I was that miserable!!! He did not choose to fix his marriage but - as he said - had to go back due to his kid being ill. We tried to keep NC, then tried "friendly" chatting. I ended up travelling to his country (we were in different countries on top) and getting sort of back together. Ok, I started feeling I was alive. BUT - the relationship was not the same anymore!!! It was getting worse and worse and worse... less and less connection, less and less effort from his side. It took a year for me to willingly break it. I started to see things more real... He has a LIFETIME connection to his wife and kids. Never on earth you'll be a priority. After they are ok - you'r gonna get your crumbs. If any crumbs are left. It is not only about $$, but time and attention as well. He did cry on the phone when we broke up. I am sure he felt really bad and did not want to break up. BUT ....

The point is - try to think of it in a different way... I guess the "butterflies" are anyways gone - sooner or later. 3 kids - a huge lifetime connection to the wife. Emotionsl and financial. This situation could possibly kill the sparkle you had and make your relationships more complicated. It's very likely that the kids would not like - or even hate you. The BS always in the picture. Holidays, birthdays, Christmas...

I am sending you a big hug, I know how much pain you have inside. It takes time. Reading LS helps - I still read and even post sometimes It WILL get better. I just hope that probably you might look at the situation in a different way - you lost this man, but even if you wouldn't have lost him his circumstances could have killed your "affair bubble" sooner or later. I truly believe in affair bubble - I loved mine a lot and missed it alot too.

May 14, 2013

We all like to think we were loved but its hard to beleive when its not backed up with actions. It makes you wonder how they could when they lead you on this way and dont prove it.

May 14, 2013

I'm not beating her up happy, that is the last thing I would want to do to her.

I just want her to accept it's the end and not spend years pining for the fool. It hurts like hell, and it's terrible, I remember well. Pining for someone leaves the door open and the door should be shut in a case like this. Obviously no one can make her do anything or take anything away from her.

In the end it doesn't matter if he loved her or not, I know that sounds stupid because we all want to cling to that, so did I. By part of accepting that it's over, is accepting that they didn't love you the way you wanted them to. That's true for the ending of any relationship.

I write from the painful lessons I have learned and hindsight is often clearer than when you are in the thick of it.

I feel a lot better about this post than the one previous. Thank you for clarifying.

May 14, 2013

Wow. Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. I do really appreciate it.

What I feel is that he did love me but it failed in comparison to his love for his children and his wife and the life they built together. He is the sole breadwinner, and it was not in him to "abandon" his family. Which is what the wife thought he was trying to do. He had every intention of providing for the family and me and him discussed many times the child support and alimony involved. He tried to justify the divorce and how the children would be okay, and we discussed how the separation would go and how a schedule for child custody would have to go. He is actively involved in their lives, coaching baseball and football and what not, with games and practices and track meets a few times a week. But as you all have pointed out he could have been lying about many things. However, I disagree with that because we spent a lot of time together and I heard him on the phone multiple times with his wife, his friends, etc.. etc etc. He talked to me on the phone and I could hear the kids in the background... I could hear him at the games. We were very close, and i believe that and no one can take that away from me. The whole thing went down with him breaking down at his mom's house.. and finally revealing that the problem is he's in love with another woman.. it turned into a family affair.. the wife called my ex-boyfriend, and eventually it got to me.. Most of you think he has completely lied to me... however, we can agree to disagree. He was faced with a decision to uproot an entire family or to let me go. He let me go. And yes, I am sure it was because he still loved his wife and couldn't bear to cause the entire family pain in the name of our new love.

I know it is wrong of me.. However, I can't stop thinking about him. I will not contact him and let him be.. but I keep wondering if he's going to realize that he can't live without me.. and go through the divorce so he can be with me. In my head I'm like.. will it take 1 month, 6 months.. a year? I have not met anyone that compares to him in every aspect of my emotional needs (with exception to being married), so it is hard for me to believe that I will ever find someone that meets my standards now.

I know this is naive of me to believe he will go through a divorce for me... but as much as I tell myself it's over and he's not coming back, my heart hurts and feels like it belongs to him. None of you know the depths of our intimate communication, we spent hours upon hours discussing his life and relationships and vice versa. Yes I knew he was married when I started this, but I had no idea how much he would touch my heart, and how he would feel exactly the same connection to me.

After dday we talked for hours upon hours on his real phone. You all might believe he lied about everything and maybe he lied a little bit about some things.. but I know he was mostly honest. He did want to be with me, and he had the balls to get it out in the open and try to go through with it.. but the pain he caused, and the pain dismantling the family would cause was too much of a burden for him to bear. He did the right thing letting me go, and I believe he was mostly honest with me about everything. You can think i'm naive, and that's okay.

So.. luckily I work everyday, and I have a house to finish remodeling and sell. However, I live alone with my two cats and it's hard to find motivation to do anything. My heart is broken. I guess time will heal me. In the meantime, I should start going to the gym.

Thanks again for all your input. It really is an eye opener to see how my story is not uncommon.

I find hope in the quote: If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you it is yours. I will not go underground with him again. If he contacts me, I will let him know not to contact me again unless he is divorced and able to love me the way I deserve to be loved.

Edited May 14, 2013 by goneundone

May 14, 2013

I don't think the OM was lying when he was saying ILY and making plans for the future. I don't think OM lied when he saw himself as a soul mate (as cheezy as it sounds).

Everything OM told OP came from the heart and evolved in the affair compartment. OM did not lie to the OP. However, all that LOVE could not be backed up after d-day. Yes, OP was loved and I know many OWs like to believe they were loved.

Thanks Pierre. I've actually met his children but before there was any thought of an affair. During our affair, he brought me to the family vacation rental in his town. He took me into his home and showed me where his family lives. We had beach days together (in his town), and we drove around looking for homes to purchase (we are both interested in property investing).

We tried to part many times, but he couldn't let me go. He did think i was his soul mate, he did go through this whole charade with his wife about falling out of love with her.. I know they went to counseling before dday and he read to me what the counselors wrote down (he could not make this up and he is not internet savvy). But she never understood the underlying reason.. and he couldn't handle the lies anymore so he exposed the affair.

He had to tell a lot of people and own up to his affair (she made it a family event). Everyone tried to talk him out of it.. he insisted he was sure he wanted a divorce.. but after all the unsolicited advice he was given, and the fight his wife was putting forth, and the pain he caused her, it all came crashing down and he had to let me go.

It is all very sad, and this situation has left multiple people with broken hearts.

May 14, 2013

Great post.

Yes, he loved you (loves) very much, but he was living his life in two compartments or different universes. In the universe that belonged to you and OM he loved you more than anything.

Once there is a d-day these two completely different universes clash and most of the time the man goes back to the wife.

There is a small chance he could be divorced in 2-3 years if they cannot work it out. But, I must warn you. Most of the time the divorce is initiated by the wife. These men almost never sue for divorce.

If the wife divorces him he will come back calling for you.

There is also a chance that he may call you again to re-start the affair after the dust settles. However, the 2nd time around the affair will be very underground and with a very tight time schedule.

Thanks again for your kind advice and perspective. And as hard as it may be, there will be no second affair. My heart is too sensitive to take any of this. I will only be with him if I am available by the time he goes through a divorce, if it ever happens. And that's my final answer. I do believe that I deserve more than being a secret, and after this experience I will never put up with it again.

If he can get that close to proving his love for me, then he can go all the way. And that's what it will take.

May 14, 2013

OP, every poster here has a political platform and it happens that the most vocal ones are the ones ready to tell you how you'll burn in hell.

If he confessed the A to his mom, it was probably because everything was weighing too heavily on his shoulders and he needed to feel some relief. If he had confessed to the W, it could have been some desperate attempt to have her throw him out or get her back to be who he wanted her to be in a happy marriage.

I went through something similar without the confession part, and I can clearly remember the shock of realizing I was so disposable. I know what you are talking about.

What you need to focus on is that waiting for him to come back to his senses, get divorced and show up at your door is not practical or very realistic. You will have to adjust and build your life with your reality being that he is not coming back and he's out of your life for good.

Regarding his M once the kids grow up, I have wondered the same. I don't think they think so much in the future. Men in general tend to be more concrete, short term oriented. I can only imagine the pressure for a man to be a responsible husband and father. By the way the abandonment part sounded familiar too as exMM's W was saying things like "if you are going to abandon us". "Us" - he was being evil and abandoning the kids. In time, try to move away from their drama and thinking about it. Their life could be from bliss to nightmare, but it won't make a difference to you. He and his family need to become strangers in your mind, the kind where it doesn't matter anymore what is going on.

As my therapist put it, what he had there was enough to keep him. He is not with you, assume he won't be with you and find your own life. It hurts, but it gets better if you keep NC.

May 14, 2013

I wonder if his poor wife even realizes the extent that she has been absolutely violated? You were going behind her back with her cheating husband making future plans for HER life.

Then you violate her by meeting her kids, entering her HOME and other places you had no business being. You had no business, invited by him or not, to enter her private spaces.

I hope this guy gets some really intense counseling so he can find out why he would do such awful things to his wife and kids.

You are right.. the poor wife doesn't know the extent to which we were making plans. He downplayed it to her after dday, and told me all about it. He wanted to make it about them growing apart more than the plans he had with me.

I met her kids before the affair, and never once during the affair. And going into her home lasted approximately 3 minutes. It was more of an innocent thing of him wanting to share his life with me and show me where he is every night, and me wanting to see where he is every night. We were like teenagers, rushing through the house as fast as we can. I had been at his house a couple times before the affair as friends, however I never met her.

It was also his private space, and he shared it with me. No disrespect was intended it was out of wanting to share our lives with each other.

Yes he did a bad thing.. and all for not since he chose to stay with her. That's where my anger lies.. why go through all the heartache just to stay in the marriage. One week before dday we were trying to let each other go and move on. I thought telling her was the nail in the coffin but it wasn't.

May 14, 2013

Gently- at some point, you need to start to consider that what he told you about his wife and their marriage was very likely to be untrue.

It will help you disconnect, to acknowledge the lies.

May 14, 2013

Yes he did a bad thing.. and all for not since he chose to stay with her. That's where my anger lies.. why go through all the heartache just to stay in the marriage. One week before dday we were trying to let each other go and move on. I thought telling her was the nail in the coffin but it wasn't.

Why is simple...because he still had feelings for her...as he told you.

It's just hard for you to accept because it hurts so much to face.

The bottom line is...why doesn't matter.

Where things are at right now is all that matters. That, and how you respond to them.

That's why I push you to stop focusing on him, on why, etc... Focus instead on "what now, what next, how do I go on from here".

You'll be much better served going in that direction than any other.

May 14, 2013

OP, every poster here has a political platform and it happens that the most vocal ones are the ones ready to tell you how you'll burn in hell.

If he confessed the A to his mom, it was probably because everything was weighing too heavily on his shoulders and he needed to feel some relief. If he had confessed to the W, it could have been some desperate attempt to have her throw him out or get her back to be who he wanted her to be in a happy marriage.

I went through something similar without the confession part, and I can clearly remember the shock of realizing I was so disposable. I know what you are talking about.

What you need to focus on is that waiting for him to come back to his senses, get divorced and show up at your door is not practical or very realistic. You will have to adjust and build your life with your reality being that he is not coming back and he's out of your life for good.

Regarding his M once the kids grow up, I have wondered the same. I don't think they think so much in the future. Men in general tend to be more concrete, short term oriented. I can only imagine the pressure for a man to be a responsible husband and father. By the way the abandonment part sounded familiar too as exMM's W was saying things like "if you are going to abandon us". "Us" - he was being evil and abandoning the kids. In time, try to move away from their drama and thinking about it. Their life could be from bliss to nightmare, but it won't make a difference to you. He and his family need to become strangers in your mind, the kind where it doesn't matter anymore what is going on.

As my therapist put it, what he had there was enough to keep him. He is not with you, assume he won't be with you and find your own life. It hurts, but it gets better if you keep NC.

Yes she used the kids to get him to stay.. but who wouldn't? If he was my husband I would never let him go.. but I would of never neglected him either. Which is why she did what she had to. She knew she was a neglectful wife and wanted a second chance.

The hard part is that I did feel close to his family even though i was the OW. We talked about his children often.. I grew fond of them and learned alot about them.. I felt very sad for how the wife reacted at the news of the affair, I am empathetic to the core. These are the times I felt split into two personalities.. I cared for his family because I cared for MM, and so I always wanted him to be sure what decisions he was making about us. On the flipside I was in love with him and heartbroken that he would leave.

This makes me even more heart broken, I was ready to love his family for the rest of our lives in the name of our love.

You are right, they need to become strangers.

May 14, 2013

Yes she used the kids to get him to stay.. but who wouldn't? If he was my husband I would never let him go.. but I would of never neglected him either. Which is why she did what she had to. She knew she was a neglectful wife and wanted a second chance.

The hard part is that I did feel close to his family even though i was the OW. We talked about his children often.. I grew fond of them and learned alot about them.. I felt very sad for how the wife reacted at the news of the affair, I am empathetic to the core. These are the times I felt split into two personalities.. I cared for his family because I cared for MM, and so I always wanted him to be sure what decisions he was making about us. On the flipside I was in love with him and heartbroken that he would leave.

This makes me even more heart broken, I was ready to love his family for the rest of our lives in the name of our love.

You are right, they need to become strangers.

Unless you lived in their house- you have no idea if she neglected him or not.

You need to reconcile his actions- which include staying with her over you, instead of his words.

May 14, 2013

Gently- at some point, you need to start to consider that what he told you about his wife and their marriage was very likely to be untrue.

It will help you disconnect, to acknowledge the lies.

You are right too. It's hard to acknowledge that there were lies.. but obviously there were. It will help me disconnect to accept that.

It's just all so fresh.. this happened Friday evening, and then the last time I talked to him was Saturday afternoon. I asked him.. is this the last time we are going to talk to eachother? He said yes. I was blindsided.

May 14, 2013

You are right too. It's hard to acknowledge that there were lies.. but obviously there were. It will help me disconnect to accept that.

It's just all so fresh.. this happened Friday evening, and then the last time I talked to him was Saturday afternoon. I asked him.. is this the last time we are going to talk to eachother? He said yes. I was blindsided.

And that's terrible.

I am very sorry you are hurting.

May 14, 2013

Unless you lived in their house- you have no idea if she neglected him or not.

You need to reconcile his actions- which include staying with her over you, instead of his words.

I do know she neglected him. She didn't care that he was at my house for weeks at a time "working". She knew I lived alone. She knew my ex-boyfriend. Yes MM lied to BS and told her that I was hardly there but she knew where he was over 80% of the time. MM would call BS in front of me.

What woman let's her husband stay at another women's house, out of town multiple times for weeks at a time..without wondering what's up? I couldn't believe it. I told MM how on earth doesn't she know?.. or expect?

From what he told me (which you may consider a lie).. when he went home after being gone for over a week.. she would give him a kiss on the cheek. Like it was no big deal. Is this what people have to look forward to after 17 years of marriage? Jeez.. if I treated my man like that I would expect him to cheat on me.

Since I've been through all this I've been polling people about their marriages... most people who have been married for a long time are very unhappy. I have met only a couple people who still have the twinkle in their eye after 10, 15, 20 years of marriage. What's the problem here?

May 14, 2013

Does anyone know anyone that has been married for 15+ years who are still happy and in love? Does it exist?

I used to know an older couple, in their 80's.. married over 60 years. But they went through affairs, but were still together. What does all this mean? What is true love?

May 14, 2013

I do know she neglected him. She didn't care that he was at my house for weeks at a time "working". She knew I lived alone. She knew my ex-boyfriend. Yes MM lied to BS and told her that I was hardly there but she knew where he was over 80% of the time. MM would call BS in front of me.

What woman let's her husband stay at another women's house, out of town multiple times for weeks at a time..without wondering what's up? I couldn't believe it. I told MM how on earth doesn't she know?.. or expect?

From what he told me (which you may consider a lie).. when he went home after being gone for over a week.. she would give him a kiss on the cheek. Like it was no big deal. Is this what people have to look forward to after 17 years of marriage? Jeez.. if I treated my man like that I would expect him to cheat on me.

Since I've been through all this I've been polling people about their marriages... most people who have been married for a long time are very unhappy. I have met only a couple people who still have the twinkle in their eye after 10, 15, 20 years of marriage. What's the problem here?

You don't know what lies he told her to explain his absences. My spouse claimed work trips. And business meetings.

You have zero idea if she just kissed his cheek.

Do you see what I am speaking of? You are taking the word of a known liar whose actions do not match the stories he told you.

I could give you a list of all the things my spouse told the OW that weren't true at all. And we were having sex all the time. And being with our children. And painting our house and having a life. A good one.

She didn't understand that. She thought I was horrible and neglectful. It was nothing like that in reality. In fact- he was the over benefitted partner. You should investigate that term. In situations like you are describing where the affair partner is dumped and the spouse wants to stay- that is overwhelmingly likely to be the case.

Waywards lie- to their spouses and to the affair partner.

You need to reframe what you think about this.

May 14, 2013

Does anyone know anyone that has been married for 15+ years who are still happy and in love? Does it exist?

I used to know an older couple, in their 80's.. married over 60 years. But they went through affairs, but were still together. What does all this mean? What is true love?

Again friend...work on changing your focus onto things more productive for YOU.

What are you doing now to fill your time? Manage your stress? Working out? Eating well?

Have you got any friends/family that you can borrow a shoulder when needed to help you deal with all of this?

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