yesterday2501 Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 It's been more than a month and it still feels like I'm all out of love. I am heartbroken. Here's my story. We are both in our early 30s. I had been down and out for a year; jobless, nearly homeless, and I'd experienced a loss in my life that nobody should ever have to go through. But when my ex-wife left, it was kind of freeing. I started to climb back up, and I started dating again. I met her online through my "adventures;" we had no mutual acquaintances. She lived not far from me, had a good career and a busy and rewarding lifestyle. She had not dated in several years, and when she did, they were all pretty lousy guys. We hit it off and had a very nice New Year's Eve together. Over the next couple of months, we kept things fairly casual, but we were very passionate. We were very good to each other. She told me things I wasn't expecting - that she was smitten with me, that I was a need for her. The things she said made me think that she wanted to be with me for a while. On Valentine's Day, she wrote me a romantic poem and told me how happy she was to have such an amazing person in her life. I gave her roses, and she said no guy had ever done that for her. Not to mention a couple of albums on vinyl, which she collected. I was on top of things. There were a lot of firsts, a lot of things that surprised both of us. Sex was good to my knowledge. She once asked if I was aware of how skilled I was sexually and one night, said it was the best she'd ever had. Said she didn't know it could be like that. Whenever we talked, we were almost always on the same level. Politics, religion, our pets, driving habits, taste in entertainment, life experiences... I got along with her friends, her parents knew about me... We spent a couple nights a week together, going out, seeing movies, watching TV shows we both liked, having dinner together. We talked about taking trips. I once made her favorite dish, and she once told me she'd make one of my mother's recipes for me, and I mean COME ON. We never even had an argument. I had no reason to think this would end as abruptly as it did. Despite all this, she told me that she had problems with intimacy. In the past, she'd tended to push people away, hide herself... but she didn't want to do that with me. She liked me. Our relationship was never really defined, but it was hard to not at least call what we were doing "dating." We were both guarded, both jaded from past experiences. I wasn't trying to fall for her... but at one point, I had to admit it to myself. She had experienced some of the things I had and I felt close to her. One night, we kissed each other, and I'd never had a better kiss in my life. It was then I knew I loved her. That was after two months. In the third, we were still very much involved, but were having a hard time seeing each other. She was busy and stressed out, but I was always very understanding, which I know she appreciated. A week before it ended, things felt like they might be "cooling off." Still, I gave her space and she kept in touch with me on her own, so I figured it was alright. But I started getting a little clingy. She ditched me that weekend to spend time with girlfriends, saying she needed a break. I obliged until a couple days later. I hadn't heard anything and was starting to resent it. I simply asked her what was going on, was it something I did? She said no... but she just didn't think we were right for each other, that we didn't have enough in common. When I told her I thought we actually had quite a bit, her reply was only "But not enough." I didn't understand. She was very matter-of-fact and I was stunned. She said she really enjoyed our time together and got a lot out of it. In my distress, I went ahead and said it. "I'm in love with you." I poured my heart out, told her I really felt like there was something. She didn't know how to respond at first; I got the feeling she hadn't heard this from a guy before. But the next day, she said she didn't have those feelings for me, that she didn't go that fast. She told me that she thought I was a great guy, and that I would find someone better for me. I couldn't believe it. If we weren't right for each other... we were very good at being wrong for each other. She didn't even bother to unfriend me on Facebook. But I did. I was hurt and embarrassed. I didn't have any contact with her for a month. A lot of my friends and co-workers didn't understand why I was so heartbroken after only three months. "You'll get over it." But I didn't. And the more they found out about the situation, the less they understood it, too. They think that I got too close, triggered memories of past boyfriends who were needy and controlling. And just like she said, she pushed me away. A month later and I still wake up every morning thinking about her. The problem isn't that I can't move on, meet others... it's that the bar is so high now. She was intelligent and funny, alluring, generous... a tomboy with a style I found interesting. When her parents would call while we were spending time together, she'd keep it brief; something my ex never once did for me in 10 years. Most of all, she gave me peace. Peace I hadn't had in so long. And that's why I have to try to get her back. I've been messaging her this past week about my living situation; she happens to work in a field with a lot of resources for this kind of thing. I actually did need some advice, but it was a good way to get her talking again. She's been very helpful, but it's been pretty much all business. I tried to turn up the charm, and tell her I felt bad about pouring my heart out like that. There really hasn't been any response on that front. I'm thinking I can try to invite her out to lunch to say thanks for the help, and maybe tell her it would be nice to catch up. I don't know if she'll go for it. If she does, I know the right thing to do is just talk about what we've both been up to, keep things pleasant. But I do want to tell her... She needed a break. She needed me not to be needy and I didn't understand that the way I should have, and I'm sorry. I should have seen what that meant to her and not brought my own insecurities into the situation. I don't have a lot of expectations in life any more. But I'm a fighter. I don't know when to give up. And even my friends seem to think now that I might be able to turn it around. This was my Paris girl, the one who got away. Never felt this way about someone. The thing is, I don't really have much in common with most people. I'm different, uncommon, and so is she. I'm tired of waiting for my life to happen, especially when I know what I want. Who I want. And if she's waiting for something better to come along... well then she has to know. All those other schmucks, they don't know what they're missing. They can't possibly want her half as bad as I do. That's how I feel about her. Whether to bliss or doom, I have to try. I have to try to get her back. No promises. Just pure, stupid desire. So... any advice? 1
McGriff Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Wow, great writing---I know exactly where you're coming from, and some of her qualities remind me of my ex. My advice would be to step away for 3-4 weeks. You have to give her space and time to miss you. It's a must. Because right now, you're still there, and she knows that. My ex acted very similar to yours and we did have 3 weeks NC and then she's been contacting me ever since. We're hardly back together, but I'm playing it as cool as I can and not chasing her. I don't know if it will get her back, but it a necessary evil for you to drop out of the picture for awhile. You have to drive up her attraction for you again, and that's only done in the mystery of your sudden absence. Good luck.
CelticGibson Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Buddy, I have been in the exact same situation. Met a girl online, built a great connection, could do no wrong, she chased me constantly, we met and there were fireworks, the lot BUT then things started to cool off. She needed to "live a little" away from us. I sensed the cooling off since I had plans to visit with her at the end of the month. She wasn't that keen like she should have been and I asked her straight out where she was in this and how she felt. She told me the same as your girl told you. That she loved me dearly BUT is wasn't enough. I took that as a cue to get out of it and walk away. I told her that I knew that meant that we would revert to some weird friends thing and that I wasn't going there because I was too invested, far more than she and that it was best for me to walk away until such time as I would be indifferent about her. She understood and told me that she would miss me terribly. I told her that I would too but it had to be done or else we would end up in some toxic friendship where one or both would end up resenting each other and I wasn't prepared to let that happen. It's been a month now and I have received a few texts from her telling me how much she misses me but I have not answered at all. I have maintained No Contact. Someday I will message her far into the future to see how she is but not today or tomorrow. So what was the point in what I wrote? Well you asked for advice and here it is: If you are over her completely then sure, contact her. If not then don't because she hasn't changed how she feels about you. If she had changed then she would have contacted you to let you know in no uncertain terms. Save yourself the heartache and let her go. I did and so can you. It's for the best for you and her. Maybe she will change and get in touch but you have to let it happen. She needs to miss you to the point that she thinks about you and second guesses whether all those great times you had were just "not enough". Let her do this and you move on in the mean time... Best of luck..
Author yesterday2501 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 Wow, great writing---I know exactly where you're coming from, and some of her qualities remind me of my ex. My advice would be to step away for 3-4 weeks. You have to give her space and time to miss you. It's a must. Because right now, you're still there, and she knows that. My ex acted very similar to yours and we did have 3 weeks NC and then she's been contacting me ever since. We're hardly back together, but I'm playing it as cool as I can and not chasing her. I don't know if it will get her back, but it a necessary evil for you to drop out of the picture for awhile. You have to drive up her attraction for you again, and that's only done in the mystery of your sudden absence. Good luck. You're right, my ex-wife actually came back to me after a couple months of NC, so I know there's something to that... I even feel like I jumped the gun a little contacting her about business; that may have been a mistake. The problem is that this one is very independent, very headstrong. All-or-nothing type. I don't doubt that she missed me a little (after all that, she'd have to, I think), but I have to think that with the support she had, the way she lives, she's probably over me by now. I kind of don't think she's dating; she's been too busy for that lately. I think my only chance now is to rekindle the feelings I truly believe were there. But I don't think she'll come to it on her own. Maybe if she only hears from me every couple weeks while I sort this living situation out, it will be enough of a "lead" that she'll naturally be curious about what I've been up to. Or maybe she doesn't care, I don't know. This one's a balancing act. But honestly? When I first got together with her, I felt like it was because I was feeling myself. Being sexy. Witty and charming. I feel like if I can create an "in" to expose her to that side of myself again, it's at least a start.
WhatamIdoingwrong Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 You're right, my ex-wife actually came back to me after a couple months of NC, so I know there's something to that... I even feel like I jumped the gun a little contacting her about business; that may have been a mistake. The problem is that this one is very independent, very headstrong. All-or-nothing type. I don't doubt that she missed me a little (after all that, she'd have to, I think), but I have to think that with the support she had, the way she lives, she's probably over me by now. I kind of don't think she's dating; she's been too busy for that lately. I think my only chance now is to rekindle the feelings I truly believe were there. But I don't think she'll come to it on her own. Maybe if she only hears from me every couple weeks while I sort this living situation out, it will be enough of a "lead" that she'll naturally be curious about what I've been up to. Or maybe she doesn't care, I don't know. This one's a balancing act. But honestly? When I first got together with her, I felt like it was because I was feeling myself. Being sexy. Witty and charming. I feel like if I can create an "in" to expose her to that side of myself again, it's at least a start. As said earlier, a great piece of writing that tapped into many of our feelings im sure. Much of it echoed my own story, so I empathise. I almost broke NC today (8 days) but instead I texted a mutual friend, and asked if she knew how my ex was. I got a couple of responses saying although she isnt full of joy, she is ok. Also, she cares about me but will not contact me cos it might give me the wrong idea. I was angry, because for me, the RESPECTFUL thing to do would be to send a simple "how are you" text, but she cannot even do that. Pah.
Author yesterday2501 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 As said earlier, a great piece of writing that tapped into many of our feelings im sure. Much of it echoed my own story, so I empathise. I almost broke NC today (8 days) but instead I texted a mutual friend, and asked if she knew how my ex was. I got a couple of responses saying although she isnt full of joy, she is ok. Also, she cares about me but will not contact me cos it might give me the wrong idea. I was angry, because for me, the RESPECTFUL thing to do would be to send a simple "how are you" text, but she cannot even do that. Pah. Unfortunately, I didn't know anyone in her life well enough to contact them and poke around; if I did, it would end up being creepy. The best I've been able to do so far is try to understand where she was coming from better. Piece together what went wrong. I know I'm driving my friends nuts with this. It's the best I can do; love is a battlefield, as they say, and I'm arming myself.
WhatamIdoingwrong Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 I know I'm driving my friends nuts with this. I know the feeling, I just hope they dont leave us too! My freinds must be sick of hearing about her now lol! 1
Author yesterday2501 Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 (edited) I wish there was some window into what someone was really thinking... Since the only way this works is if I play it cool, stay in the background, I have no idea where she's at. It would be easy if she was really just over me, never gave it a second thought, because that would be really insane. Then I could feel taken for granted, and like she wasn't who I thought she was. I could hold my head high. "I made you halibut," is what I'd say (that was her favorite). But it's the uncertainty that's making me this way. I can't shake the feeling that there's a chance, that maybe she really did get scared off and I can turn things around. If it's a shell, I have to find a way through it. I've always been pretty perceptive, pretty good at reading people... I managed to get my ex-wife back FOUR TIMES that way (though in hindsight, not such a great idea). But she was spoiled and petty; this one's strong. Where I am in my life, everything I've lost... It's a chance I have to take. It's stupid, but hey, I'm in love. You could say it's just leading to more heartbreak, and you might be right, but I'm already heartbroken. When a man has nothing to lose... Edited May 14, 2013 by yesterday2501
CelticGibson Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Okay let me put it like this. If there is a chance, SHE will let you know in no uncertain terms. This mixed messages that you are receiving are the residual emotions working their way out of her system. It still doesn't mean there's a chance. You are overanalyzing because you are still hung up on her and over thinking things. The thoughts are playing in your mind that if you just change something or say something that it will suddenly make her see the light. The reality is, there is nothing you can do or say that will make a difference. Play it cool, step WAY back and get busy in your own life. If there's a chance, she will let you know. If not then you are on your way to healing and moving on... 1
Author yesterday2501 Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 Celtic, I know it seems like I'm being overly-optimistic, but nothing could be farther from the truth. I don't believe for a second I'll get her back. I'm just walking forward, going on instinct. I'm not holding out hope, I just don't know how to tell my brain to do anything else. What's making this harder for me is that if she really is gone, I don't much feel like I want to start seeing anyone else anytime soon. I'm not looking forward to another letdown. Which sucks for me, because I get lonely easily, and I'm not some young bachelor anymore. I've seen things. Feels like the older I get, the harder it is to relate to someone. But she was different. I can wait and see. For her? I have to wait and see. Doesn't make it any easier.
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