Is this my fault?

[KS11]

Why do I do this to myself time and time again?!

 

My 'ex', after us going NC(initated by her) because I couldnt be just her friend, called me up a few weeks back as she wanted to hear my voice and chat. Naturally, I thought there might be more to it. We had LC for a while, and spoke about what had happened etc and she suggested that we meet up. Again this gets me thinking maybe somethings changed.

 

Fast forward a week and I hadnt heard anything, so I said 'are we still meeting', to which she replied, that she wants to, but doesnt want to give me false hope as i've already said i cant be friends. I then replied with some stuff, essentially trying to get her to tell me straight, as she never seems to be able to, what it is she wants. She didnt respond to any of that, and has no just ignored it all.

 

Im so angry and hurt, that I dont matter enough to warrant a reply. I hate the way she seems to use this 'false hope' bull**** as if putting it on myself, all the contact, the indecsion as if shes really torn between what she wants, all that is her doing. She knew full well that I couldnt be just friends but went ahead anyway and called me. Now, when I try and ask for answers she just ignored it, and I know that will be the last time we speak.

 

I would never treat someone like that. She makes me feel so fu*king worthless its kills. I feel like i've held back so much anger that I just want to tell her.

 

How can people be ok about treating people like this?!

 

What do i do?

[Minneloa]

Time to disappear, like a ninja. Any further contact will only prolong the agony.

 

I"m sorry you are hurting. Sending good thoughts.

[CelticGibson]

You need to stop all contact with her. She has told you that she doesn't want to give you false hope. That means she's completely checked out of your relationship. Yes it sucks that people can switch like that and become so disinterested in how we feel but believe me it's a common occurrence, not an exception by any means. It feels like they are a stranger, a new personality that you never seen before but the truth is, you are now just another person, just like her friends and she is treating you the same as she does them.

 

They are not being spiteful or evil, it's just a consequence of not caring enough any more. It just feels bad because you are still very much emotionally attached and it blows her reactions to you into the stratosphere making you feel super sensitive and as a result, very hurt.

 

It sucks, we have all been there but No Contact is the way to go and after a while the pain will subside as you readjust your focus from her back on to you. Move on...

[siankat]

Yep. You need to do that to take your power back because right now, you are closely involved in ur heart with someone who is not making you feel good and being disrespectful to you at the same time or at least inconsiderate. SHE is making you feel this way but only YOU can make it stop. THere is no quick fix but there is a cure so....start

[KS11]

Thank you for the replies.

 

I know I have to accept that she doesn't care anymore and the thing is I would have been ok about that if she had just told me straight. Well, not ok, but not half as hurt as I am now.

 

I can't get my head around how she can be ok with knowing that shes strung me along for three years but still somehow, thinks she's done nothing wrong.

 

I don't understand how she could say that she wants me in her life as friend and then in the same breath almost, just end our friendship without replying. That makes no sense. I want so bad to ring her up and tell her that that's not the way you go about doing things. What makes it harder is she knows how much this kind of thing gets to me, knows how much it would hurt and yet still does/did it.

 

I wish there was something I could do. I hate myself for being sucked back in, it has totally alleviated her guilt, although that would assume she had a conscience.

 

I keep thinking back to all the things I did for her, sh*t I bought, places I took her etc. I was always f*king there, and I don't even matter enough to warrant a response.

 

Feels like i've wasted three years on someone i never even knew.

[KS11]

I'm really struggling with the accepting that its over. I still find myself every morning and night before I sleep spending ages going back over the relationship, everything that was said etc and I don't feel like im getting anywhere.

 

I doesnt feel normal that I still imagine or like 'fantasise' about things or places I'd love to go with her. I'll see something when im out, and it could be something so ridiculously insignificant (which it usually is) and it just gives me that immediate sick feeling in my stomach that im never going to share anything with her anymore.

 

Im having so much trouble in getting over the fact that she just completely ignored having 'the talk' at the end of the relationship. I feel like i need to say my piece to her. I know people say closure comes from within, but im so hurt and angry that i must have meant so little. I just want to tell her that. More than anything i think im annoyed at myself for allowing her back in after we went nc previously...seeing it now, its so obvious that was all about easing her own guilt, and i lapped it up.

 

How are you supposed to let go, its like a constant battle of remembering and trying to forget all the idiosyncrasies that made you love that person...they just feel so ingrained.

 

How do move on, when you havent had that final closure talk?!!

[BustedUpInside]

I am not trying to be mean, but you are both engaging in the exact same behavior. She wants to be just friends. She doesn't hear you when you say that it is not possible for you, she still talks to you and gives you false hope, and then when you confront her about it she either ignores the problem or acts like it is your fault for making these assumptions. It is selfish and unfair of her to treat you like this and that is why you should go No Contact.

 

You aren't able to be friends because you want her back. You don't hear her when she says that there won't be any reconciliation. You don't pay attention when she won't talk about emotional aspects or ignores requests for clarification. You play along with her requests for friendship when in reality you just want to see her so that you can coerce her back into a relationship. It is selfish and unfair for you to try and force your ex back into a relationship under the guise of just being friends when you know that you aren't able to. This is why you should go No Contact.

 

I think if you are able to take a step back and get a little perspective on the situation, you will see that there has been the resolution that you wanted, it just wasn't the answer that you hoped for. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, she doesn't want to discuss the break up anymore, but she does want to be friends. You feel differently about the situation. That is the resolution. You can't be friends right now, which means that you should go your separate ways.

 

I know how hard it is to want someone and be completely confused about why they want to be friends but don't want the relationship anymore. It is just one of those things that you will have to accept though because you won't be able to change her minds by pretending to be just friends.

[Chi townD]

Dude, just look back at your orginal post when you said she contacted you because she "wanted to hear your voice". She knows that you're hurting and that you're a big pile of blubbering goo, but she just wanted to "hear your voice". That's what we call SELFISH BEHAVIOR!!! She wanted it and you gave it to her. After she got her fix, and her ego boost, you're back to square one and in the gutter.

 

NC dude! Ignore everything!!! Post here instead.

[BrokenHeartsClub]

Distance and time is what you need my friend. Chi had some good advice about venting here. I honestly think that's way better then waiting for a change.

 

I also agree that was a selfish move on her part, and a subconscious attempt to keep you in her life just a little bit longer.

 

This is gonna be tough, but there is a whole community here to help you. This forum constantly has people on it so you'll get responses pretty quickly. You need to go deep cover NC and whenever you get weak or think about calling, post on here.

 

I fell ya on the frustration thing, but trust me calling and venting will just make things worse. Keep your head up, watch movies, listen to music, go for a run, just don't pick up that phone....no matter how drunk you get.

[KS11]

BustedUpInside, thats very true..and i think you're right about there being a resolution already, just not the one I wanted. Which of course is true..I wanted to be with her...

 

The thing that im having so much trouble getting my head around though is the not replying thing. Which I know I should just accept, but she always said that she wanted me in her life and fair enough it may have been just as a friend. However, by her not replying..its sending a blatant message that infact she didn't or doesnt want that at all. She would prefer her life to continue without me. I think thats what hurts the most, because she knows thats how it would be interpreted and is fine with that. Its like it was all one big lie.

 

It makes me so angry to think how much I did for her and would have done. I think because, in the past, we've been through these periods before where we've gone nc i keep thinking somewhere down the line she'll get back in to contact. And i don't know whether im still hanging on to that hope or im just to scared to admit to myself that this time its it. Which it clearly is, in the past its always seemed like it was genuinely as hard for her as it was for me, to say goodbye.

 

At the moment the only thing thats keeping me for breaking nc, is telling myself that even if I did, I wouldnt be speaking to the girl i fell for three years ago, because she doesnt exist anymore. That girl wouldn't have been so cold.

 

Ah im sorry to vent! Just sucks, she had bought me tickets for a concert which we were supposed to go to tonight. How things change...

[BustedUpInside]

BustedUpInside, thats very true..and i think you're right about there being a resolution already, just not the one I wanted. Which of course is true..I wanted to be with her...

 

The thing that im having so much trouble getting my head around though is the not replying thing. Which I know I should just accept, but she always said that she wanted me in her life and fair enough it may have been just as a friend. However, by her not replying..its sending a blatant message that infact she didn't or doesnt want that at all. She would prefer her life to continue without me. I think thats what hurts the most, because she knows thats how it would be interpreted and is fine with that. Its like it was all one big lie.

 

It makes me so angry to think how much I did for her and would have done. I think because, in the past, we've been through these periods before where we've gone nc i keep thinking somewhere down the line she'll get back in to contact. And i don't know whether im still hanging on to that hope or im just to scared to admit to myself that this time its it. Which it clearly is, in the past its always seemed like it was genuinely as hard for her as it was for me, to say goodbye.

 

At the moment the only thing thats keeping me for breaking nc, is telling myself that even if I did, I wouldnt be speaking to the girl i fell for three years ago, because she doesnt exist anymore. That girl wouldn't have been so cold.

 

Ah im sorry to vent! Just sucks, she had bought me tickets for a concert which we were supposed to go to tonight. How things change...

 

You certainly don't have to apologize for venting. That is exactly what this site is all about. You can write whatever you want and then read all the advice, then choose to follow it or not. Your feelings are valid and relevant and I really hope that you can feel better very soon because you deserve to have a happy life with someone who appreciates you just the way you are.