After a year and a half I still want her back

[Bunso]

So my gf of nearly 4 years left me in dec of 2011 due to G.I.G.S.(at least that's what I think) she told me she started liking someone else but failed to mention they got together right after our break up. She didnt tell me until February and that led to me doing everything wrong such as pleading, begging and telling her how much of a mistake it is. So we had LC for a few months until I decided to show up to her house and express how I felt. I didn't contact her for two weeks after and she turned into a monster saying how there's no reason for us to talk. So I started NC for a month and gave in when her birthday came around and still she continued to string me along. I got a new phone number and decided to text her four months ago and after I told her who it was she totally shunned me and stopped replying, so I haven't contacted her since because I want to move on if there is no chance. I started thinking about her a lot recently and to make matters worse I am in a relationship of two months with an amazing girl and I don't know why I'm willing to mess this relationship up if my ex were to come back to me. I've been dating this new girl since may of last year and made it official two months ago. But I still want my ex back and I fear that I am too involved with winning her back by using NC instead of helping myself move on heal properly. I threw away everything that reminded me of her to avoid thinking about her but it doesn't seem to have worked.

[Chi townD]

Well... you got a few issuse going on here. Number one, if you still harbor feelings for your Ex, then you shouldn't be dating anyone. That's not being fair to you and CERTAINLY not fair to the girl you're dating.

 

Number two, NC is not the cure all. Yes, it helps you heal and move on and it's a great tool for helping you to do just that. BUT! You should be using NC in conjunction with making positive changes in your life. When we get dumped, our self esteem and our confidence are at an all time low. We lose self worth and we become depressed and feel unwanted. Questioning yourself on why we weren't good enough to keep them. Making those positive changes in our lives is to help us gain back everything we lost and gain back even more after we've been dumped.

 

You need to get a new hairstyle. Something people will notice and like. You need to completely change your wardrobe. Always wearing nice clothes. Total GQ, styling and profiling! You want people to say, "DAMN DUDE!! You look sharp!" That will help with your self esteem.

 

You need to get to a gym and STAY THERE!! Run your ass off on the treadmill and push the weight. This will help you burn off all the frustrations and stress. AND! With a clean diet and sleep, You'll be working toward that ripped, rock hard bod that girls will DEFINITELY notice! Again, helping your self esteem and your confidence.

 

Then, go back to school. Get that college degree and if you already have one, then get your masters. School will help you keep your mind on your school work and not on what she's doing. Plus, a degree will open up new doors financially for you. So, you can afford that nice car you always wanted and the townhouse in that upscale neighborhood you're always driving by. This will help you be PROUD of your complishments.

 

Then, find new hobbies. Something to keep you busy. With a new hobby, there's always a club in your area that has people with a shared interest. So, join a cycling club, or a running club, or scuba lessons or community theater, mens soccer league, co-ed sports...anything! This will get you up and out of the house meeting NEW people and discovering new things! You see that there are a lot of people in this world and they don't have a clue who your Ex is. So, it should be easier for you to forge these new friendships. Plus, you put yourself out there to met these folks and helps you bring down the protective guard you have around yourself.

 

Then finally, TRAVEL! Go see the world! Break out of your little world; your little bubble and have an adventure. Pick a place that you've ALWAYS wanted to go see and just.....GO! You want to see the Hollywood sign in LA? GO! You want to fish in Florida? GO! You want to see the Great Wall of China? GO! You want to go to Burmuda? GO!!! There's a great big world outside your door. Go see it and maybe then you'll see that your Ex isn't your entire world. It's out there!!!

 

You do these things and you're going to build your confidence and self esteem back up and realize that your life is pretty damn good without your Ex in it.

[Bunso]

Thanks Chi townD I needed that. What's funny is that i have been doing most of what you said. Haha. New clothes. New hairstyle. Started playing basketball and I go to the gym when I don't have an enormous amount of hw from school. Working on the washboard abs. But I haven't the money to travel haha. I definitely would love to visit Japan but maybe once I finish school.

 

And I do feel like im treating my current gf unfairly by not being as attentive as I should be but she doesn't complain about it so I'm assuming she's okay with it.

 

Since that time my ex started ignoring me I was okay with it until just recently where she started crossing my mind a lot more. I am guessing it must have something to do with my young age and inexperience. She was my first girlfriend and first love and I'm only 22 so I may just be acting irrationally without actually giving myself a decent chance to see how great my life can be without her. And by no means was I thinking of marrying her anytime soon but I did want to marry her after we both finished with school. So it could also be how heartless she is being towards me after having been my best friend for four years and just cutting all contact with me, as that seems to be the most hurtful for me.

[KatZee]

And I do feel like im treating my current gf unfairly by not being as attentive as I should be but she doesn't complain about it so I'm assuming she's okay with it.

 

Don't kid yourself. We're not stupid. If you're not attentive, we notice. If anything she's pulling the typical move of excusing bad behavior hoping it'll "change."

 

Do her a favor and end the relationship. You're in no way ready to date anyone and if your ex snapped her fingers you'd run back like a lost puppy. If you agree with this, then you should also agree to let your girlfriend go. People aren't things to be used and toyed with while you're trying to move on from someone else. You should be doing that on your own before making it official with anyone.

 

If you finally move on and she's single and you want to be with her then cross that bridge if you get to it.

[Chi townD]

TOTALLY agree with KatZee. You're either in or you're out. You're stringing her along because you probably don't want to be alone. Or if you're Ex has a new man, well dammit, you need someone too! And don't care WHO it is.

 

But, this girl has been with you because she WANTS to be with you. She could be happy with someone else; however, she chose you. Now, you either be humbled by that fact and start treating her right; the way she DESERVES to be treated, or cut her loose so she can find someone that will dedicate themselves to her and her to him.

 

By the way, Japan is a great time. I've been to Tokyo, Osaka and Okinawa. People there are the nicest people on the planet. If you don't mind a 16+ hour flight.

[Bunso]

You're both right. I should be more attentive and treat her the way she deserves because she is an amazing person. The reason I said she might be okay with it was how she explained to me how she used to be a bit tomboyish and hang out with nothing but guys when she was younger so she is (in a sense) one of the guys. Not an attention whore, very understanding of me hanging out with my friends and having my space when need be. And I wouldn't say I'd run back to my ex like a lost puppy, more like truly test if I still have deep feelings for her or whether it's just because she left with no real reason.

 

But thanks for helping me realize that what I have shouldn't be taken for granted. Nor should I treat her any less appropriate just because she is more likely to understand guys than would Girly girls.

 

I'm not with her because I don't want to be alone nor am I with her cuz my ex has a new man (idk if they are still dating). I'm with her because I genuinely like her.

[siankat]

Well... you got a few issuse going on here. Number one, if you still harbor feelings for your Ex, then you shouldn't be dating anyone. That's not being fair to you and CERTAINLY not fair to the girl you're dating.

 

Number two, NC is not the cure all. Yes, it helps you heal and move on and it's a great tool for helping you to do just that. BUT! You should be using NC in conjunction with making positive changes in your life. When we get dumped, our self esteem and our confidence are at an all time low. We lose self worth and we become depressed and feel unwanted. Questioning yourself on why we weren't good enough to keep them. Making those positive changes in our lives is to help us gain back everything we lost and gain back even more after we've been dumped.

 

You need to get a new hairstyle. Something people will notice and like. You need to completely change your wardrobe. Always wearing nice clothes. Total GQ, styling and profiling! You want people to say, "DAMN DUDE!! You look sharp!" That will help with your self esteem.

 

I aint got no hair dude should i go with a wig?!

 

You need to get to a gym and STAY THERE!! Run your ass off on the treadmill and push the weight. This will help you burn off all the frustrations and stress. AND! With a clean diet and sleep, You'll be working toward that ripped, rock hard bod that girls will DEFINITELY notice! Again, helping your self esteem and your confidence.

 

Then, go back to school. Get that college degree and if you already have one, then get your masters. School will help you keep your mind on your school work and not on what she's doing. Plus, a degree will open up new doors financially for you. So, you can afford that nice car you always wanted and the townhouse in that upscale neighborhood you're always driving by. This will help you be PROUD of your complishments.

 

Then, find new hobbies. Something to keep you busy. With a new hobby, there's always a club in your area that has people with a shared interest. So, join a cycling club, or a running club, or scuba lessons or community theater, mens soccer league, co-ed sports...anything! This will get you up and out of the house meeting NEW people and discovering new things! You see that there are a lot of people in this world and they don't have a clue who your Ex is. So, it should be easier for you to forge these new friendships. Plus, you put yourself out there to met these folks and helps you bring down the protective guard you have around yourself.

 

Then finally, TRAVEL! Go see the world! Break out of your little world; your little bubble and have an adventure. Pick a place that you've ALWAYS wanted to go see and just.....GO! You want to see the Hollywood sign in LA? GO! You want to fish in Florida? GO! You want to see the Great Wall of China? GO! You want to go to Burmuda? GO!!! There's a great big world outside your door. Go see it and maybe then you'll see that your Ex isn't your entire world. It's out there!!!

 

You do these things and you're going to build your confidence and self esteem back up and realize that your life is pretty damn good without your Ex in it.

 

hehe no offence but the massive plans you suggested sound like those devised by a manic depressive during a state of mania lol

[Chi townD]

hehe no offence but the massive plans you suggested sound like those devised by a manic depressive during a state of mania lol

 

How do you interpret those plans on being massive? What's massive about getting a haircut? or buying new clothes?

 

Going to school isn't massive. It's just self improvement.

 

Finding a hobby? It isn't that time consuming unless you let it be.

 

People go the gym everyday! Spending less than an hour a day getting in shape isn't massive.

 

I'm not offended, I'm just having a hard time understand your idea of massive. Now, traveling can be massive and a little daunting. But, in my opinion, it is so worth it. I travel all the time and I've had experiences and seen things most people just read about or just see on TV. But, the way I see it. You only get one life (YOLO yeah....I went there! ) And when I die, friends and family will go through my albums and they'll see pictures of me in the Sierra mountains, or the Goby Desert, or the Fjords of Norway, or by the Cliffs of Dover, or in the Pyrenees mountains in France. People are going to look through that album and say, "Damn! He lived a full life."

[siankat]

I was just jesting

It was just short term and long term plans all fired in one post that's why i was like woah

 

About living a full life. I do think travelling is good but i don't think of it as a marker for having lived a full life. For me, leaving this world a little better than we found it is the best thing any of us can do.

[Chi townD]

I hear ya! Just sometimes, people need to get motivated about something when they're feeling lost. Hell, that's why they come here to begin with. Looking for people that have been through the suck and point them in the right direction.