JTP Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Hi everybody, just signed up as I've been reading through a good few posts on here and I've found you all very helpful to others so I'm looking for some tips to help me and my very recent break up if that's okay. Now I'm 19, the girl I was seeing is 20, she was my childhood sweetheart and I always had a crush on her. We got together last June and I sound really cheesey but I thought it was love at first site... Or maybe it's just because I liked her so much as a child it followed me into this age. I'm not really sure. (Don't say stupid things like "you're just kids" or anything, I've had that sort of love when I was a bit younger - this was genuine and my first real real adult relationship.) So last week things got a little hectic, they'd been building up for quite some time and it got to this point where I blew up and so did she. And everything got facetious and really pathetic and petty were we were calling each other names and just got really sarcastic with one another. I will describe the details now: So she's in University, and I trust her with my life. It's just she goes out on times and I just like to have a text to let me know that she's safe and fine - but I never get it until the next day, sometimes 24 hours just to let me know she's okay!!! On top of this, I don't live the most fun life and she was really my fun times and my most favourite person to be with but I could never join in with her and her uni fun so I started slowly getting jealous of her and her friends as I could never see her enough... And I brought it up. And all hell went loose. So things built up, we had some ridiculous arguments this past week, and I called her the C-Bomb as it was all building up so much. So we broke up on Friday, by her consent, and now she just wants to be friends, she claims there isn't another person and she wants to be independent as she's been in quite a few relationships. Now all I want is her back, I bought her flowers done all the soppy stuff but now I've just stopped and I'm ignoring her, she's left me 17 mails on my Facebook mail and I haven't opened a single one of them. I want to let it get to the point where she misses me so much she needs to either come see me or call me to get me back in her life. What do you guys think I should do? Pop up to her and tell her I can't be friends or tell her that her and I need to just clear our heads and see what happens? Or do I keep up ignoring her, I've been ignoring her for 2 days and I feel pretty good but I'm scared if I reply I'm falling into her trap and I'm scared if I don't reply she will think "Oh he obviously doesn't care/want me anymore... I best find someone new." Have all your input below and I will reply as soon as I can, thank you guys!! PS. I've been super depressed, didn't eat Saturday, cried most of the past few days and went out Friday to try get my mind off things and still cried, I'm doing all the recommended things to try and get my life back on track. I'm already a regular gym-goer and I am a powerlifter so I'm doing my best to crack on with life. I'm also a regular video gamer, PC gamer, have large interests in football and I have many friends to see. I just want to let you all know, I'm doing my best. Thank you!
Author JTP Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 I must throw out there we have had a few blips in the past, and I always feel that accepting responsibility is always key in a break up - and I understand it is my fault. Whether it be 75% or 100% my fault. Just looking for some advice. Do you think we could end up together again or should I definitely go NC?
CorridorE Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 So she's in University, and I trust her with my life. It's just she goes out on times and I just like to have a text to let me know that she's safe and fine - but I never get it until the next day, sometimes 24 hours just to let me know she's okay!!! On top of this, I don't live the most fun life and she was really my fun times and my most favourite person to be with but I could never join in with her and her uni fun so I started slowly getting jealous of her and her friends as I could never see her enough... And I brought it up. And all hell went loose. So things built up, we had some ridiculous arguments this past week, and I called her the C-Bomb as it was all building up so much. If she's never given you a reason not to trust her that's good, but I do think that when you goes out alone a text to just let you know she's fine is by no means too much to ask. Also, making time for both your friends and partner is very important, so if someone is feeling neglected the couple should be able to have a rational discussion to sort out the issue. It shouldn't have gotten so far out of hand, and it sounds like you both made some mistakes. So we broke up on Friday, by her consent, and now she just wants to be friends, she claims there isn't another person and she wants to be independent as she's been in quite a few relationships. Now all I want is her back, I bought her flowers done all the soppy stuff but now I've just stopped and I'm ignoring her, she's left me 17 mails on my Facebook mail and I haven't opened a single one of them. I want to let it get to the point where she misses me so much she needs to either come see me or call me to get me back in her life. How much time passed between you being overly sweet and buying her the flowers to her sending you those messages? I think it's a bit unfair to do 'all the soppy stuff' for her and then ignore her when she tries to contact you. If all you want is to work it out and get back together, go ahead and open the messages. Right now she is probably feeling ignored and unwanted, so she's probably not going to show on your doorstep. But if her messages don't say anything regarding working it out, I would start no contact. But let her know that it's because you're broken up and need some space from one another (or what ever is true) so she doesn't think it's because you don't care. As for being friends, no, it's not a good idea. You said that right now she wants independence, and all you want is get her back. If that's the case, a friendship will never be possible because seeing her and talking to her will keep you from healing from the break up and will ultimately tear you apart if she ends up going out with another man while you are only her 'friend.' Sorry, but if both of you aren't willing to talk and try and fix the relationship, no contact is best. 1
Author JTP Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 If she's never given you a reason not to trust her that's good, but I do think that when you goes out alone a text to just let you know she's fine is by no means too much to ask. Also, making time for both your friends and partner is very important, so if someone is feeling neglected the couple should be able to have a rational discussion to sort out the issue. It shouldn't have gotten so far out of hand, and it sounds like you both made some mistakes. How much time passed between you being overly sweet and buying her the flowers to her sending you those messages? I think it's a bit unfair to do 'all the soppy stuff' for her and then ignore her when she tries to contact you. If all you want is to work it out and get back together, go ahead and open the messages. Right now she is probably feeling ignored and unwanted, so she's probably not going to show on your doorstep. But if her messages don't say anything regarding working it out, I would start no contact. But let her know that it's because you're broken up and need some space from one another (or what ever is true) so she doesn't think it's because you don't care. As for being friends, no, it's not a good idea. You said that right now she wants independence, and all you want is get her back. If that's the case, a friendship will never be possible because seeing her and talking to her will keep you from healing from the break up and will ultimately tear you apart if she ends up going out with another man while you are only her 'friend.' Sorry, but if both of you aren't willing to talk and try and fix the relationship, no contact is best. I appreciate you didn't take sides; that means a lot to me. I mailed her back explaining I didn't mean to ignore her, I've been busy with work and going out, but that I'm not ready to be friends yet and that we should both take some space to clear our heads. Then just gave her a simple goodnight. I wont be contacting her for a while now I don't think...
maturityassets Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Ok in the past month or so i just had a break up with my first love as well. She broke up with me for very similar reasons as your ex. I didn't beg her to stay, the most I asked was if she didn't want to talk for 2-3 weeks and see how she felt, then we could officially Break up or work it out. She declined the offer. I said good bye and wished her the best of luck and she cried. Regardless she promised that I would get the gift from my B-day that passed once it comes in. We went 2-3 weeks on very little contact. 3 weeks after break up I finally was able to pick up the gift and the rest of my stuff. That night we played with fire. We ended up talking on her stoop for 2 hours. And we made each other very jealous by mentioning other hook ups and dates we went on already. The reason she made me stay is because she wanted to see if we could spark again. We were fine that night. But eventually the things she told me ate up at me (she talked to this guy who she cut out of relationship on our initial break from each other, it was the weekend before we broke up, who told her she should be single because she is only 19, and then she tells me she goes out of state to get closure with this guy from the past by sleeping over his house). I talked to her best friend about it and her best friend, who is also the one who hooked us up and is my friend as well, had no idea about any of this. The best friend didn't tell my ex but she did tell another friend who ended up telling the ex, the ex got very mad at me. She apologized for what she did that night, said she was jealous that other girls wanted to start seeing me and she kept being told by other people that she is making a huge mistake and is an "idiot" for breaking up with me, so that's why she insisted on us talking that night to see if we could spark again. In the end we didn't, and instead she was upset that I talked to her best friend that it killed any hope she had that she would return to me once ready. She is a bit absolutist at the moment in saying the most we could be is friends So the moral of my story is this. Tell her that you understand her desire to keep in contact, but you need your space. You really do. She has made the choice to end you guys and so you have the right to demand that you have space. You're not ignoring her because you hate her. You are demanding space because you want to respect her decision and at the same time you need to understand where you are at. Girls post break up are very indecisive and will try to hold on until they ultimately decide its time to move on. She will miss you. She will reflect and at the same time she will date other guys! If you guys stay in communication you will hurt each other, i guarantee it. She will come off as selfish, and your feelings will get toyed with. You will not sleep, you will lose focus in life, and you will start feeling miserable. So tell her that whatever happened recently with the fights is because there is a lot of confusion between the two of you and that you apologize to anything that hurt her but right now you need your space. This is a fair assessment to the situation. In the end in you might move on and that would be good. But she might as well try to come back 6-12 months from now. Girls at her age love personal intimacy with a guy, they will remember the long talks and the ability you guys had to be open with each other. That's what she longs to keep you in her life, You on the other hand a male desires sex, help when you need it, and companionship. She can't offer any of those things to you right now. So, yes respond apologize for anything overboard but say right now we should figure where we are with our feelings and how we view each other in time. 1
todreaminblue Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 corridor said everything i was thinking .......which is pretty cool...so all i will add to is if you have strong feelings for someone....friendship is out of the question until those feelings are dealt with....take your space you need to decide on what you want to do ...eventually you will have to talk it out......so be 100 purr cent sure of what you want.....then do it....if it is to get back with her open yoruself to possibel rejection and let it be known once you are eniterly sure of where you want the realtionship tp go........i wish you well..........deb
Author JTP Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 (edited) Ok in the past month or so i just had a break up with my first love as well. She broke up with me for very similar reasons as your ex. I didn't beg her to stay, the most I asked was if she didn't want to talk for 2-3 weeks and see how she felt, then we could officially Break up or work it out. She declined the offer. I said good bye and wished her the best of luck and she cried. Regardless she promised that I would get the gift from my B-day that passed once it comes in. We went 2-3 weeks on very little contact. 3 weeks after break up I finally was able to pick up the gift and the rest of my stuff. That night we played with fire. We ended up talking on her stoop for 2 hours. And we made each other very jealous by mentioning other hook ups and dates we went on already. The reason she made me stay is because she wanted to see if we could spark again. We were fine that night. But eventually the things she told me ate up at me (she talked to this guy who she cut out of relationship on our initial break from each other, it was the weekend before we broke up, who told her she should be single because she is only 19, and then she tells me she goes out of state to get closure with this guy from the past by sleeping over his house). I talked to her best friend about it and her best friend, who is also the one who hooked us up and is my friend as well, had no idea about any of this. The best friend didn't tell my ex but she did tell another friend who ended up telling the ex, the ex got very mad at me. She apologized for what she did that night, said she was jealous that other girls wanted to start seeing me and she kept being told by other people that she is making a huge mistake and is an "idiot" for breaking up with me, so that's why she insisted on us talking that night to see if we could spark again. In the end we didn't, and instead she was upset that I talked to her best friend that it killed any hope she had that she would return to me once ready. She is a bit absolutist at the moment in saying the most we could be is friends So the moral of my story is this. Tell her that you understand her desire to keep in contact, but you need your space. You really do. She has made the choice to end you guys and so you have the right to demand that you have space. You're not ignoring her because you hate her. You are demanding space because you want to respect her decision and at the same time you need to understand where you are at. Girls post break up are very indecisive and will try to hold on until they ultimately decide its time to move on. She will miss you. She will reflect and at the same time she will date other guys! If you guys stay in communication you will hurt each other, i guarantee it. She will come off as selfish, and your feelings will get toyed with. You will not sleep, you will lose focus in life, and you will start feeling miserable. So tell her that whatever happened recently with the fights is because there is a lot of confusion between the two of you and that you apologize to anything that hurt her but right now you need your space. This is a fair assessment to the situation. In the end in you might move on and that would be good. But she might as well try to come back 6-12 months from now. Girls at her age love personal intimacy with a guy, they will remember the long talks and the ability you guys had to be open with each other. That's what she longs to keep you in her life, You on the other hand a male desires sex, help when you need it, and companionship. She can't offer any of those things to you right now. So, yes respond apologize for anything overboard but say right now we should figure where we are with our feelings and how we view each other in time. I was not expecting such a fantastic response to my question, thank you very much. I used much of your final paragraph in a mail to clear things up. Thanks a lot. I hope you the best also! I just really hope she doesn't get with any other guys as stated. As hard as that is to stop... I'm not the best with women and I never have been so it will be super difficult for me to move on. The only value I have is my friends to help.. Don't suppose I can ask for much more. She just replied by the way, saying "Wow you've changed. Please reply tomorrow I need answers." Should I talk tomorrow? Edited May 13, 2013 by JTP
Author JTP Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 If she's never given you a reason not to trust her that's good, but I do think that when you goes out alone a text to just let you know she's fine is by no means too much to ask. Also, making time for both your friends and partner is very important, so if someone is feeling neglected the couple should be able to have a rational discussion to sort out the issue. It shouldn't have gotten so far out of hand, and it sounds like you both made some mistakes. How much time passed between you being overly sweet and buying her the flowers to her sending you those messages? I think it's a bit unfair to do 'all the soppy stuff' for her and then ignore her when she tries to contact you. If all you want is to work it out and get back together, go ahead and open the messages. Right now she is probably feeling ignored and unwanted, so she's probably not going to show on your doorstep. But if her messages don't say anything regarding working it out, I would start no contact. But let her know that it's because you're broken up and need some space from one another (or what ever is true) so she doesn't think it's because you don't care. As for being friends, no, it's not a good idea. You said that right now she wants independence, and all you want is get her back. If that's the case, a friendship will never be possible because seeing her and talking to her will keep you from healing from the break up and will ultimately tear you apart if she ends up going out with another man while you are only her 'friend.' Sorry, but if both of you aren't willing to talk and try and fix the relationship, no contact is best. Would you think it's best if I give her space and make sure I tell her the friends factor doesn't work for me also?
Author JTP Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 Sorry for spamming, reply in your own time. I'll give a slight summary of this night and the past 2 nights. > Met her on the train home from Uni on Saturday with a bunch of flowers - just to say sorry, nothing else. Cried. > Ignored her all day Sunday, didn't cry or anything. Quite clearly played with her head and emotions on accident, just thinking of myself. > Had the chance to see her yesterday and today. > Replied to her today to explain myself and tell her I've wanted to have a bit of space to just clear each others heads as I can't handle being friends as of right now.
maturityassets Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I was not expecting such a fantastic response to my question, thank you very much. I used much of your final paragraph in a mail to clear things up. Thanks a lot. I hope you the best also! I just really hope she doesn't get with any other guys as stated. As hard as that is to stop... I'm not the best with women and I never have been so it will be super difficult for me to move on. The only value I have is my friends to help.. Don't suppose I can ask for much more. She just replied by the way, saying "Wow you've changed. Please reply tomorrow I need answers." Should I talk tomorrow? Well my ex said I changed as well in a message after she found out about me talking about her best friend. I ended up talking to her after a few messages and made the suggestion she should call if she wants to clear the air. At first she kept saying how i changed and that I wasn't the same guy when she called. But after an hour of talking on the phone she ended up saying how I was the perfect boyfriend and that anybody with me would be more than lucky and that I was still the same great guy she fell in love with. So you can talk to her if you wish to have closure, it will feel better. In the end it really doesn't matter if you get back with her just don't do anything that tarnishes your image. You want to be remembered as that great ex boyfriend regardless if you get back with her because it helps you feel good about yourself. You don't want guilt or regret. If you end on a good image of yourself, regardless what she says, she will always remember you as "that" guy who was understanding. And who knows she might compare every guy she meets in the future and use you as the standard, and ultimately realize she wants you. But in a conversation with her just reiterate your need for space because my ex was so forgiving of me and said "I care so much, that I don't mind talking like this with you when ever you feel up for it".
maturityassets Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 But look, this is only one weekend. You technically don't need to talk to her. You can even tell her you're busy tomorrow or tell her you guys are better off speaking on a day you are available to have an actual conversation. Don't concede to her terms either! You're not a push over. You are ready to talk when you are ready
Chi townD Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 WAIT....WAIT....wait....Am I read this correctly? She went out of state and hooked up with another dude the weekend BEFORE the break up because she was worried and jealous about other girls wanting to be with you. Though, never mind that they weren't getting with you, just the thought of them WANTING to get with you.....That's just plain stupid if that's the case. She was look for ANY excuse to hook up with this dude and that is the most stupid one I have EVER heard. Dude, she cheated on you. Why would you want to be with a girl that would do that to you? What would happen if a cute girl walked by and told you that you have a nice shirt? Would she give a BJ to the next male that walked by because she felt threatened? Dude, just walk away. If she could do that to a boyfriend, I could only imagine what she would do to a friend.
maturityassets Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 (edited) WAIT....WAIT....wait....Am I read this correctly? She went out of state and hooked up with another dude the weekend BEFORE the break up because she was worried and jealous about other girls wanting to be with you. Though, never mind that they weren't getting with you, just the thought of them WANTING to get with you.....That's just plain stupid if that's the case. She was look for ANY excuse to hook up with this dude and that is the most stupid one I have EVER heard. Dude, she cheated on you. Why would you want to be with a girl that would do that to you? What would happen if a cute girl walked by and told you that you have a nice shirt? Would she give a BJ to the next male that walked by because she felt threatened? Dude, just walk away. If she could do that to a boyfriend, I could only imagine what she would do to a friend. No sorry you read that wrong. She hooked up with him after she broke up with me. Just talked to him during our initial break through text. It was very stupid of her because she clearly wanted someone to support a side of her that wanted to be single. Her mom, her best friend, her sister, her brother kept telling her she is making the biggest mistake not wanting to work on our relationship. But she is lazy and scared of work in a relationship, she is extremely immature at the moment and I wouldn't take her back until 2-3 years down the road and if she showed a bit of maturity. And no she found out I already went on a date with somebody else and after she told me about hook ups (her attempt to forget about me) I also had to convey a couple of my hooking up with girls (no sex, just making out) Edited May 14, 2013 by maturityassets
Author JTP Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 Hi everyone! Bit of a bad day, I was in college and spoke to her... She says she misses me, but not us?.. And that she's scared I'll probably find someone new by the end of our terms (College/Uni). Is this her saying she doesn't want me but she doesn't want anyone else to have me, or is it her saying that she probably will end up coming round to getting back or something of the likes? Thanks. And I've had a little cry already. NC is the way forward but I suppose I had to dish out my reasons why I have been ignoring her.
Author JTP Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 Sorry to be such a pain, could somebody please read my last post on the page before?
chelsea2011 Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Hi everyone! Bit of a bad day, I was in college and spoke to her... She says she misses me, but not us?.. And that she's scared I'll probably find someone new by the end of our terms (College/Uni). Is this her saying she doesn't want me but she doesn't want anyone else to have me, or is it her saying that she probably will end up coming round to getting back or something of the likes? Thanks. And I've had a little cry already. NC is the way forward but I suppose I had to dish out my reasons why I have been ignoring her. I'm sorry you are having a rough go of it right now. Break ups are never easy. I could be wrong, but maybe there was something about how your relationship played out that made her leave? As a woman, I was with someone and I can definitely say I miss him to the core, but I don't miss the type of relationship we had. It was too difficult for me to survive and thrive under the circumstances.
Author JTP Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 I'm sorry you are having a rough go of it right now. Break ups are never easy. I could be wrong, but maybe there was something about how your relationship played out that made her leave? As a woman, I was with someone and I can definitely say I miss him to the core, but I don't miss the type of relationship we had. It was too difficult for me to survive and thrive under the circumstances. Yeah we wasn't really a bad couple, it was just one argument after so long that ended it. We were going through a phase of arguing all the time, then we were perfect and then it slowly degraded... I can take responsibility for it though. Would you ever take your ex back? At all? What was wrong with your relationship may I ask?.. I'm having a super down day, but I need to just not talk to her as hard as that is. I am having some issues coping and I have slipped into somewhat a minor-depression. I couldn't even make food properly last night without thinking of her, it just tears me apart.
Calvin's wagon Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 You're not being a pain at all, it's good that you bump your thread, we're here to help you. A couple of questions to you, if you don't mind: - May I ask what was in all those messages she has sent you (you mentioned 17 fb messages or sth like that)? - Have you asked her directly if she is considering reconciliation with you in the nearest of the futures? What was her reply? - You've mentioned that she has been in quite a few relationship. Do you perhaps now how long (approximately) was she single in between them? Perhaps she wants to experience the "single" life for a while, because she never truly did? - You've mentioned a lot of bad things said/done between you two (c-word etc.). Have you thought about what you'll do to try to learn from this relationship (regardless if you get back together with her or not) and try to work on yourself in the future, to use this for personal growth? - Have you thought about what you, her & you two as a couple could to make your relationship, if you get back together, a better one for both of you? Have you talked about it with her about it? - Have you been reading other threads on this site (not just in the coping section, but others as well)? When I started using this site & posting, I tried to read plenty of other threads, because there's a lot of really good advice in them/on this site for you, even if it's not posted here in your thread As someone who has been affected a lot by a break-up in the past, I can understand how you're feeling at the moment. I wish you all the best and I will try to reply to your eventual reply, if my situation will permit me.
Author JTP Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 I'm sorry you are having a rough go of it right now. Break ups are never easy. I could be wrong, but maybe there was something about how your relationship played out that made her leave? As a woman, I was with someone and I can definitely say I miss him to the core, but I don't miss the type of relationship we had. It was too difficult for me to survive and thrive under the circumstances. She's also scared that I will end up with someone new within the next few weeks?.. Does that mean she doesn't want me but she doesn't want anyone else to have me? Or does that mean she's thinking it could work?.. Hmm...
Author JTP Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 You're not being a pain at all, it's good that you bump your thread, we're here to help you. A couple of questions to you, if you don't mind: - May I ask what was in all those messages she has sent you (you mentioned 17 fb messages or sth like that)? - Have you asked her directly if she is considering reconciliation with you in the nearest of the futures? What was her reply? - You've mentioned that she has been in quite a few relationship. Do you perhaps now how long (approximately) was she single in between them? Perhaps she wants to experience the "single" life for a while, because she never truly did? - You've mentioned a lot of bad things said/done between you two (c-word etc.). Have you thought about what you'll do to try to learn from this relationship (regardless if you get back together with her or not) and try to work on yourself in the future, to use this for personal growth? - Have you thought about what you, her & you two as a couple could to make your relationship, if you get back together, a better one for both of you? Have you talked about it with her about it? - Have you been reading other threads on this site (not just in the coping section, but others as well)? When I started using this site & posting, I tried to read plenty of other threads, because there's a lot of really good advice in them/on this site for you, even if it's not posted here in your thread As someone who has been affected a lot by a break-up in the past, I can understand how you're feeling at the moment. I wish you all the best and I will try to reply to your eventual reply, if my situation will permit me. Hey thank you for the reply and the questions, I don't know how to quote them individually so I'll answer them in numbers: 1. The messages were pretty much she said "Goodnight xx" on one of them and then I ignored from there, they involved "Hey can we talk today?" (she wants to get her opinion clear - not so much meet up and talk about US) Then it was just her saying "Jord.." (my name) loads of question marks another was her saying "I can't believe your adding girls already, we've hardly been broke up 2 days." But I didn't add girls, this one girl added me and I removed her instantly - I'm trying to keep my friends list under control. And finally there was one like "I can't believe youre treating me like this" I just replied saying "I'm sorry, I'm not ignoring you because I hate you or anything I care but I am just trying to clear my head, can you please respect my decision as I have respected your decision to break up." I didn't want her thinking anything too horrid - that would just push her too far away I think. So we nattered a little and she wanted to meet up as she thought this was too difficult over FB so I said "It was okay for you to break up over Facebook so we can do this over Facebook now." And then that led to me telling her I want a few weeks by myself and see how we feel by the end of the college term. I'll call her in about 3-4 weeks just making chit-chat I think.. I'm pretty good at NC. Well determined so that part doesn't bother me haha. 2. I have mentioned it but she says "She doesn't really know, she just wants to be alone for a while, there is no one else." Her response every time. 3. She has been in quite a few relationships and the only reason her and I got together was that it was a little more 'special' than her other relationships in all fairness. Bit of a spark in the relationship, bit of fun and we had great social life. I've been with girls in the past - even my first love but I have never been able to express myself like when I'm with her and vice-versa. I don't think she's really spent her life single at all throughout the majority of her school/college life. And she deserves to be single, I can agree with that. But I'm struggling to think of what if she bumps uglies with another guy, what can I do about that? It just wrecks me. And I'm also scared her in Uni she will find another guy - there are plenty there and she could easily pull in a boyfriend if she wanted. She's close friends with a lot of guys and that doesn't bother me, but I've been close friends with a few girls - and I know where that path leads. 4. I've wrote a list saying what went wrong with myself which has these on it; lashing out, being overly nasty when we argue (using nasty words, being really rough and saying things irrelevant to the argument making her feel like ****, which in my opinion brought the relationship to it's knees), I'm too selfish - trying to have her all to myself too much and being much too needy and I'm also very stubborn. I live a quiet life and I play a lot of games on the PC as opposed to going out, I'm also a bodybuilder/powerlifter so I like to diet quite a bit. But I've thought of a few methods of how to correct these if she decides to have me back which are: Be much more patient, dont be so pushy, leave her be with friends and man up stop being such an idiot and thinking pathetic things, when offered to go out with her and her friends GO because I'm missing out on her having fun because I'm such a stubborn idiot about everything I need to live, and I'd like to do it with her. When we argue, keep the argument to the situation and the problem not personal and don't bring up old things. I need to be more open and discuss more with her to keep problems at bay instead of them mounting to huge issues. And my final issue to sort is to be less petty and grow up about some things. I am a very nice guy, and I can be honest with myself about that, but sometimes I am just so pathetic and hurtful, I get mental. 5. Yes, I've thought a lot about it and what we could both improve. All I ask of her is to just let me know when she goes out so I can just tell her that I love her and I want her to enjoy her night and not worry about texting me back or anything... At least then I know she's out. Sometimes I don't know and I feel like an idiot when I've been texting and I don't know what's happening with her. I'm not talking to her at the minute just trying to let my head clear but I don't have enough things to do to keep myself busy. 6. Not really read through much else, I normally do. I've been using some other sources like guides on how to get your ex back and stuff like that which is probably a little insane. This site is good though and I'd like to hang about to help others. That would make me feel pretty good about myself. Sorry for such a long read, you ask the questions and the answers will roll.
Author JTP Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 You're not being a pain at all, it's good that you bump your thread, we're here to help you. A couple of questions to you, if you don't mind: - May I ask what was in all those messages she has sent you (you mentioned 17 fb messages or sth like that)? - Have you asked her directly if she is considering reconciliation with you in the nearest of the futures? What was her reply? - You've mentioned that she has been in quite a few relationship. Do you perhaps now how long (approximately) was she single in between them? Perhaps she wants to experience the "single" life for a while, because she never truly did? - You've mentioned a lot of bad things said/done between you two (c-word etc.). Have you thought about what you'll do to try to learn from this relationship (regardless if you get back together with her or not) and try to work on yourself in the future, to use this for personal growth? - Have you thought about what you, her & you two as a couple could to make your relationship, if you get back together, a better one for both of you? Have you talked about it with her about it? - Have you been reading other threads on this site (not just in the coping section, but others as well)? When I started using this site & posting, I tried to read plenty of other threads, because there's a lot of really good advice in them/on this site for you, even if it's not posted here in your thread As someone who has been affected a lot by a break-up in the past, I can understand how you're feeling at the moment. I wish you all the best and I will try to reply to your eventual reply, if my situation will permit me. Please reply when you can
TaraMaiden Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 You need to completely forget trying to see things from her side, wondering what she's doing, why or any kind of logical evaluation of what is going on with her. Go No Contact. Stay No Contact. For at least 6 months. AT LEAST. Complete, total, non-negotiable No Contact. Block delete, deny fall off radar. Read the NC guide, copy, print and paper your entire living space with it. hang a copy in the bathroom. Keep a copy with you at all times. Eat, breathe, live and BE the No Contact guide. Until you get it. It's OVER. FINISHED. Do the right thing. For both of you. 3
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